Relationship Question

Relationship Question (Full Version)

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Disturbance -> Relationship Question (11/17/2006 4:58:13 PM)
Well im some what new male dom had very little expierence but been online researching Bdsm since i was 14 and since i just turned 18 recently im still young. Well I figured out alot of things on my own but I still have a major question. I read alot of things how to talk to your Girlfriend or mate into the lifestyle. All my relationships have been vanilla normal boyfriend girlfriend and i have talk to many submissive girls that are looking for a dom to be loyal to, but it isnt like a normal relationship, they are in my eyes looking for just a playmate/ fuck buddy. Being a guy and how we think with our penis's we wont mind fuck buddy's. But i was wondering how submissives and other dommes feel about this if they are looking for a relationship based off the bdsm factor. Im sorry for my confusion, if you dont understand what i mean I will try to explain a little more about my question. but every one is welcome to put there two cents in. just please not bashing or harsh critism i didnt come to the forum to get flamed

BitaTruble -> RE: Relationship Question (11/17/2006 5:51:35 PM)
I'm not quite sure what you're asking. There are many different facets to BDSM, D/s and M/s and, generally, everyone who finds collarme and stays is looking for a piece or part of one or more of those facets. Are you trying to find a way to bring a current girlfriend into BDSM? I'm sorry I can't help more, but perhaps you won't mind a bit more clarification as to what exactly it is that you want to know and hopefully some folks will have some websites, books, advice or personal experience to offer you. btw: Welcome to the forums. :) Celeste

Disturbance -> RE: Relationship Question (11/17/2006 6:01:30 PM)
sry about the confusion i wasnt looking for any information about bringing a girlfriend into bdsm i was trying to say there is alot of resources on that. my question is kinda the opposit how to take a bdsm into a girlfriend boyfriend relationship. Some of the subs i talked to on here are looking for a dom and everything but i get more of a feeling of that they are looking for a playmate/fuck buddy. i was asking peoples opinions on this and what they look for when they say they are looking for a sub or a dom. personally i dont want just a playmate/fuck buddy

Disturbance -> RE: Relationship Question (11/17/2006 6:03:38 PM)
ps sry i forgot to thank you bitatruble for trying to understand my gook

GoddessDustyGold -> RE: Relationship Question (11/17/2006 6:20:32 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Disturbance Well I figured out alot of things on my own but I still have a major question. I read alot of things how to talk to your Girlfriend or mate into the lifestyle. All my relationships have been vanilla normal boyfriend girlfriend and i have talk to many submissive girls that are looking for a dom to be loyal to, but it isnt like a normal relationship, they are in my eyes looking for just a playmate/ fuck buddy. Being a guy and how we think with our penis's we wont mind fuck buddy's. But i was wondering how submissives and other dommes feel about this if they are looking for a relationship based off the bdsm factor. Im sorry for my confusion, if you dont understand what i mean I will try to explain a little more about my question. but every one is welcome to put there two cents in. just please not bashing or harsh critism i didnt come to the forum to get flamed What I bolded...just don't do that....please! Be honest and upfront. If you are dating vanilla don't try to shove BDSM down a girl's throat. I have oft heard the story (and witnessed it!) of the subbie boy who wants to convince his wife or gf that she should domme him, and the lady is completely scared by it. I have seen the other end of the spectrum also. Subtle domination, forced "hot-wife" style cuckolding, etc. It would take a lot of finesse to introduce this to a vanilla girl. So be careful. I don't like the term "talk her into the lifestyle". But that is just Me. Be honest, develop your own skills and figure out what it is you are seeking. Then look for that. If you date vanilla in the meantime, don't try to force your preferences on someone who has no clue. It is easy enough to drop hints and watch for reactions, but there is a fine line. Don't cross it. There are places you can go (munches), and other lifestyle social events where you can meet and greet and interact. As to your idea that the only submissive girls you have met who are aware that this lifestyle and/or subculture exists are looking only for "fuck buddies" and they are not looking for any real relationship, I think you are jumping the gun and making a mistake. At your age, regardless of lifestyle, few people are looking for more than a good time. But there are some. Take your time. No need to be so hasty in your generalizations. Be clear with yourself about whether you are talking about a "lifestyle" which would probably indicate a D/s or M/s dynamic flowing through everything, or if you are just up to a sexual preference that includes rope, whips and nipple clamps. Since a "lifestyle" isn't just about sex, if a submissive girl you meet is not into anything except a fuck buddy then she isn't into a lifestyle. She is into a kinky "fuck buddy" and probably not really all that submissive in the first place. If I misunderstood any of your post, sorry 'bout that. And welcome to the boards.

Disturbance -> RE: Relationship Question (11/17/2006 6:41:10 PM)
well thank you for the response goddess. and i understand where your comming from with dont jump the gun. I also have a feeling that younger sub's that im going for have more want to have a good time then older submissive that are ready to settle down

TemptingNviceSub -> RE: Relationship Question (11/17/2006 7:32:04 PM)
Ok I will give it my best shot..but remember I may be way off base in understanding what it is you seek...but here goes...I think you are trying to say that you want a more traditional D/s relationship now rather then just a top/bottom scenerio,but most subs your age still see it mostly in the context of sex only.And you have maybe a vanilla girlfirend who is more into a relationship so hence you wish to have her "introduced into the D/s style"?...IMO..maybe that is jumping the gun a wee bit.She may not be ready to do so because unlike you she has not researched on-line since age 14 about WIITWD..So I say while you wait for possibly age and knowledge to occur in a possible mate, or to find one, why do you not start honing any skills to make you a very good Dominant.Possibly find a Dominant mentor in your area with a good reputation one who may be able to instruct you in any areas that appeal anything from the protocols, to wielding a whip to etiquette in general.Learn , grow,hone your own skills so that when you find the right submissive or girlfriend that becomes interested then you will be ready to lead wisely,with care and knowledge...I believe there is a group for the younger BDSM'r called the "next generation" try asking LA about it, or try to look it up here on collarme. I believe there have been a few postings on such...best wishes..Tempting

BitaTruble -> RE: Relationship Question (11/17/2006 7:45:26 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Disturbance sry about the confusion i wasnt looking for any information about bringing a girlfriend into bdsm i was trying to say there is alot of resources on that. my question is kinda the opposit how to take a bdsm into a girlfriend boyfriend relationship. Some of the subs i talked to on here are looking for a dom and everything but i get more of a feeling of that they are looking for a playmate/fuck buddy. i was asking peoples opinions on this and what they look for when they say they are looking for a sub or a dom. personally i dont want just a playmate/fuck buddy Ah, ok. I get it now. :) You want something a bit more serious than what you've found so far. Something which goes beyond the sex and you are finding that the younger generation you're in contact with isn't looking for that right now. Disturbance, all I can say is keep looking. You're just running into people who aren't compatible with you. Your search may take longer than you expected, but in the meantime you can continue to study and grow, personally, so you are ready to take on the responsiblities of a dominant when you do find the one you seek. She's out there .. and you'll find her exactly when you are supposed to find her and not one second before. ;) Be patient and good luck. Celeste

LTRsubNW -> RE: Relationship Question (11/17/2006 7:52:43 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Disturbance Well im some what new male dom had very little expierence but been online researching Bdsm since i was 14 and since i just turned 18 recently im still young. Well I figured out alot of things on my own but I still have a major question. I read alot of things how to talk to your Girlfriend or mate into the lifestyle. All my relationships have been vanilla normal boyfriend girlfriend and i have talk to many submissive girls that are looking for a dom to be loyal to, but it isnt like a normal relationship, they are in my eyes looking for just a playmate/ fuck buddy. Being a guy and how we think with our penis's we wont mind fuck buddy's. But i was wondering how submissives and other dommes feel about this if they are looking for a relationship based off the bdsm factor. Im sorry for my confusion, if you dont understand what i mean I will try to explain a little more about my question. but every one is welcome to put there two cents in. just please not bashing or harsh critism i didnt come to the forum to get flamed I'm fairly confident that this response will follow what has now become the one post that in all my history here, I've understood the least. Huh?

Disturbance -> RE: Relationship Question (11/18/2006 12:23:24 AM)
haha sry LTR for the confusion i think it was more ranting and i wasnt thinking about making any sense. Bitatruble and goddess basically nailed it on the head. sry tempting you tried but no i dont have a girlfriend. I have had several vanilla relationship that i brought BDSM up * not directly * in nice and slow ways, One relationship actually was more into it then rest of my vanilla relationships but she was a bedroom sub nothing more, and like many high school relationships didnt last forever. Im pretty good at talking to vanilla girls about what i like with out scaring them away. If they seem the in the least scared or not wanting i wouldnt push it on them. but like Bitatruble figured out what i was trying to say was that alot of the submissives of my generation are like to fuck buddies in the vanilla world and i thank you Bitatruble for the advice, like i said earlier in my reply i think it was more ranting because of bs shit i went threw with subs my generation lately. just took me a night out with the guys and a few drinks to figure out that im still young no reason to be pissed off

sub4hire -> RE: Relationship Question (11/18/2006 5:22:24 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Disturbance but it isnt like a normal relationship, they are in my eyes looking for just a playmate/ fuck buddy. Being a guy and how we think with our penis's we wont mind fuck buddy's. But i was wondering how submissives and other dommes feel about this if they are looking for a relationship based off the bdsm factor. Above in bold is his question. My two cents is you don't. BDSM heightens the relationship it isn't only the relationship. What happens if you choose someone who is the perfect play partner but you can't stand how they talk. Their hobbies...their looks. Can you imagine waking up beside them the rest of your life? You can't and you won't...the relationship will fizzle out as quickly as you got started and you will be back here wondering why it fizzled so fast. When I met my dom so many year's ago now. I had a list of wants and needs. I found him using only my absolute needs. One need was he had to be a dominant. There were no ideas of play in my list. They were on the want list...which wasn't a factor in my choosing a mate. He had to like the same things I liked in vanilla life...at least some. So, we could hang out. He had to be an intellect so he could stimulate my mind. He had to want the same sort of relationship I wanted in life....why start out with someone who isn't compatible? There were many needs. The way he threw a flogger was last on the list...as that sort of stuff changes over time when in a committed relationship. As empathy and compassion comes in you will try something that maybe you didn't want to try to begin with. So, a lifestyle relationship is the same as a BDSM relationship. Instead of going to the movies on Saturday night you might go to a club and make a movie instead.

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