RE: To talk or not (Full Version)

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RedSavageSlave -> RE: To talk or not (11/3/2006 2:05:55 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sinergy

Hello A/all,

I have not had a vast amount of experience with different people in this lifestyle, but one of the main reasons I seldom meet people for coffee is that the situation tends to unfold like so.

1)  I work two jobs.  Im never home.  Im always driving somewhere to do something.  Today is an exception.  I could have worked today, but I refused to do so because I am trying to teach myself to work 5 days a week.  So I stayed home.  I moved some furniture.  I cleaned my house.  I unpacked a couple of boxes from my move.

2)  So on those infrequent times I have been chatting with somebody, I am fairly open about what is going on in my life.  We talk, I enjoy talking, those I have talked to seem to enjoy talking to me.

3)  So I finally make some sort of earnest effort to meet somebody for coffee.  I state up front that I am busier than a one-legged man in a butt-kicking contest, but if they can accept these parameters, sure, lets meet.

4)  We meet for coffee.  We enjoy our time chatting.  Sometimes we kiss in the parking lot.

Then it starts.  (ominous music builds in the background)

The accusations. 

The insistences that I am online chatting with a horde of people. 

The fact that I dont want to talk on the phone means I am having an affair. 

They wonder why I am not available, am I seeing somebody else?

The typical "If you really loved me" comments.

The desire to be invited over so she can move in and live with me.

5)  I finally politely indicate that I am not interested in pursuing a relationship.

6)  They ask why not.  I tell them.  The waterworks start.  The recriminations. The bargaining.  The attempted emotional blackmail.

Just easier to go to work or go dancing or whatever.

Just me, could be wrong, but there you go.

Sinergy


<chokes off laughter> yep.. I can sooo see that happening   *high five Synergy*




nikaa -> RE: To talk or not (11/3/2006 2:07:43 PM)

*gasps*
 
You mean you don't live your life on your computer or with your phone glued to your ear?
 
*shakes my head*
 
For shame.....
 
How do you expect to please a perfect stranger or simple aquantance that way!




toservez -> RE: To talk or not (11/3/2006 2:18:43 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: nikaa

*gasps*
 
You mean you don't live your life on your computer or with your phone glued to your ear?
 
*shakes my head*
 
For shame.....
 
How do you expect to please a perfect stranger or simple aquantance that way!


LOL

I had a guy, that I had sent a few positive Emails to and one IM chat, rip me for not checking my IM after I told him after I had gotten off work I ran errands, exercised and vedged out to some TV before turning the computer on let alone starting up IM. Apparently I was to always be near a computer at all times for total strangers.




diamonddreamlove -> RE: To talk or not (11/3/2006 2:29:31 PM)

Sinergy you took a day off work and worked that does not i repeat not really constitute a day off. LOL  But in the spirit of being busy as all hell it would seem that You do talk to hordes of people regularly since i see Your posts.  OOps not about You, smiling i am teasing you. But the reality is that getting attached too quickly to anyone in this or the vanilla world is pure insanity.  Relationships have to be nurtured and taken care of on a regular basis if they are to work well.  That of course depends upon the type of relationship one is seeking.  The OP seems to need someone to be there to control her life constantly.  I understand that but it is not likely to happen immediately upon meeting someone.  My Dom and i talk frequently don't remember the last time we did not atleast say hello to each other either online or on the phone or in person.  Even for a few moments that is wonderful but we did not start our relationship at this level.  It has taken time such as several hours and many meetings some for play and some just to talk and be together for this relationship to develop.  Even now if a day were to go by without hearing from him i would be concerned but not to the degree of freaking out.  We both run businesses and have lives separate from each other and i would suggest the OP find something else to do while she is seeking.  Otherwise there will only be continued heartbreak for you or unhealthy relationships.  There again perhaps it is not true and a Master will come walking by that wants that level of communication immediately.  If so good luck just hope you are not holding your breath for it to happen.




Sinergy -> RE: To talk or not (11/3/2006 2:51:06 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: diamonddreamlove

Sinergy you took a day off work and worked that does not i repeat not really constitute a day off. LOL 



Mea culpa!  Mea culpa!

[:(]

quote:



But in the spirit of being busy as all hell it would seem that You do talk to hordes of people regularly since i see Your posts.  OOps not about You, smiling i am teasing you. But the reality is that getting attached too quickly to anyone in this or the vanilla world is pure insanity.  Relationships have to be nurtured and taken care of on a regular basis if they are to work well.  That of course depends upon the type of relationship one is seeking. 



Maybe the problem I have is that I have this weird idea that meeting somebody for coffee is not synonymous with picking out curtains and sharing a toothbrush.

But that is just me and I could be wrong.

quote:



The OP seems to need someone to be there to control her life constantly.  I understand that but it is not likely to happen immediately upon meeting someone.  My Dom and i talk frequently don't remember the last time we did not atleast say hello to each other either online or on the phone or in person.  Even for a few moments that is wonderful but we did not start our relationship at this level.  It has taken time such as several hours and many meetings some for play and some just to talk and be together for this relationship to develop.  Even now if a day were to go by without hearing from him i would be concerned but not to the degree of freaking out.  We both run businesses and have lives separate from each other and i would suggest the OP find something else to do while she is seeking.  Otherwise there will only be continued heartbreak for you or unhealthy relationships.  There again perhaps it is not true and a Master will come walking by that wants that level of communication immediately.  If so good luck just hope you are not holding your breath for it to happen.



I am not arguing with this either.

All I am stating is that in my mind meeting somebody for coffee after chatting online and on the phone does not a collaring make.

Just me, could be wrong, but there you go.

Sinergy




adaddysgirl -> RE: To talk or not (11/3/2006 6:30:33 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: lilserenity

Where did we lose the place to communicate here.. I have had the opportunity to speak and get close to a person then all at once  they dump me because I questioned their communcations skills after no contact for two days not even a email.. I found this rude so I spoke my mind and told them it is one thing I did ask for daily contact and then I get dumped and told I had no trust in the person so they left. What in the world is happening here...Communication is a plau in any relationship good or bad,,if it has none then nothing will progress..I took this person to be a user and player  and walked away and  hes one that will never get my respect again but I just wonder tho if I hadnt said anything if it would of ahppened again,my answer  would of been probably... Now on to another communication issue...I started talking to another Dom and he also decided to take a leave for a weekend  and never emailed me,called me,or even Im'd me the whole time then a week later he emails me and says his mom had a heart attack and he went to be by her side..Well it took me by surprise and i felt bad for his situation but Im the type that worries and I worry because I lost a RT Master a week before we were to meet,he passed away  and it hurt me badly for a year,then when I came back i tried to  go on maybe its me maybe not but how do I deal with this situation,a phone call would of worked wonderfully but none were made,but I cant help but feel bad because of his emergency,do i forgive and wait or what? Its a toughie and i have lost sleep over thinking about this..There are so many fakes and wannabes online who play people by using emotional abuse and use all methods of disrespect to our friends to tell them  another side of the story to get  friends pity.. So now  we have a topic  Thank you all for any responses  means alot and hopefully I can sleep tonight..This person means alot to me and if it wasnt meant to be then so be it it wont be then,but I need communication daily to keep from worrying about them,may be from my past but I dont want to worry about anyone again...smiles ty and take care all  hugs serenity


i have to agree that you probably just aren't finding compatible partners.  i tend to have this communication need as you do, particularly at the beginning, when i am trying to get to know someone better.  As you say, if they aren't going to be around for a while, a simple 2 minute phone call to let me know that would be very appreciated. 
 
But what i really hate are the ones that aren't responding, yet you see them online all the time.  i'm not interested in that type of person either.
 
There's a saying floating around somewhere like 'i refuse to make you a priority in my life when i am just an option' (or something like that....i should have copied it when i had the chance).  In any event, that is my motto now. 
 
BTW....i've heard the 'my mother had a heart attack' excuse too.  Maybe we're talking to the same guys?  [sm=lol.gif][sm=lol.gif][sm=lol.gif]
 
Good luck to you [&:]
 
DG




KatyLied -> RE: To talk or not (11/3/2006 6:32:36 PM)

quote:

All I am stating is that in my mind meeting somebody for coffee after chatting online and on the phone does not a collaring make.


It does for some people though.  Usually it's a sad tale.




TemptingNviceSub -> RE: To talk or not (11/3/2006 6:36:36 PM)

To the OP...you seem to be attracting Dominants who seem to be used to submissives who are independant. You need to seek Dominants who desire submissives of a dependant nature,where they are your only thought, where they can be your "hero" and rescue you from your worries and angst......I have not read your profile, but you may want to redo it to show your specific "need"...be well..Tempting




angelic -> RE: To talk or not (11/3/2006 6:58:09 PM)

Here's my take, for what it's worth.

i agree with many that if these are strictly online, short-term sort of communications (short term meaning you've only known them a short period of time), needing daily communication seems a bit much.  Having said that, for me when first speaking to one, if he communicates with me daily for a week, let's say, and then nothing on the weekend, but first thing monday morning i get an hello.....you can bet i am going to take a step back and my first assumption is going to be a) married or b) significant other and it's adios for me.   

i believe that in a relationship worth working for, and after a certain period of time, yes there should be daily communication or if he is going to be gone or unavailable for a few days, to have the courtesy of letting me know.  i am (hopefully by this time) someone of some importance in his life and worthy of a 2 sec e-mail or phone call telling me.  my former Master used to use abandonment all the time with me, it stuck and i am very gun-shy.  i guess the bottom line is i do see both sides to this.




adaddysgirl -> RE: To talk or not (11/3/2006 7:09:07 PM)

Oh angelic....it was on your profile that i saw the saying i referred to above.  "NEVER make One a priority, while you remain Their option."   Love that!  [:)]
 
DG




angelic -> RE: To talk or not (11/3/2006 7:12:48 PM)

Thank you.  imo no truer words were never spoken and/or typed. [;)] 




dsamethyst -> RE: To talk or not (11/3/2006 7:13:13 PM)

my dear one...I am sorry for you loss of your previous DOM    carrying the fact that the poor soul was dead a week before you were to meet  well that just kinda sucks...but well I can understand it leads to "issues"

I personally have actually been on the other side of the computer screen..I have had potential playmates get bent out of shape because i seemingly fell off the face of the earth!  I have a house full of stuff to do...and far too many things to do and absolutely NO energy to do it with!   I have told these gents what i will tell you.....

You can want what you want  but unless i agree to it...BITE ME.  Unless you and the unavailable men have led you to believe that you should  be able to expect t be able to reach them you have NO RIGHT OR REASON to expect it..

and well  if you can expect this...then you should have anumber to reach them....

I personally do what i call "the married check"   that consists of doing a 2-3am phone call...i had been inadvertantly invovled with a very married man when i was a newbie and well  i figured out that a married man would be furious and outraged at me callin g him at those hours....a singl eman would be annoyed and concerned!  and it is really easy to hear the difference in their voices at that time in the morning!

Just  my nickels worth here..  have agreat day

little red




DiurnalVampire -> RE: To talk or not (11/3/2006 7:27:33 PM)

OK, my 2 cents for what they are worth.
Angel and I began our relationship being in touch every day, without fail. We would have some very long conversations, and otehrs he would just check in and say hi, how was your day. Unfortunatly, the appeal got old really quickly. I enjoyed the availability, however we really did run out of things to say to one another after a while. I thought it was pointless to have a hi, how are you phone call every day, so we changed how frequently we spoke.  We find one another online nearly every day, but neither of us expect it.  If you NEED to talk to someone every day, then they may get the idea you dont trust them. Things come up, where we arent able to necessarily get in touch. I know when I had an emergency and had to run out when I was suposed to be calling Angel, I was unable to even let him know I was gone.  I had no cell reception where I went, and certainly no time to get online and email him. When I did get back home, I simply told him what had hapened.  He didnt question me, nor get upset.  He and I both understand that real life doesnt always allow for constant communication.
If you NEED that sort of reasurance in the beginning, some Doms will have no problem with it.  The issue tends to be that it does grow old fast, since you should learn to trust them enough not to have to know what is going on constantly.  If they cannot get somewhere they can communicate, sometimes you have to accept that. Even if they agree to constant contact, getting upset becasue they miss one is going to cut you off from a lot of people.  I know I fall asleep before Angel gets home from work sometimes. Or, he gets involved with schoolwork and studygroups and either forgets to call or doesnt have time at night. 

Id say you just have to relax a bit, and notthink that theres a problem every time someone is out of contact.  You re going to drive yourself insane that way.

DV




CrazyC -> RE: To talk or not (11/3/2006 7:46:30 PM)

Maybe a big thing here is Trust.

Sweety, you are still dealing with a loss. Fire was right on in that you need to learn from the pain, and grow. Check the sight...

When going through a hard situation, we tend to make "truths" in our lives that aren't really true. Now that you are ready to come back to this life, you will have lessons to learn here. How do you get back into a life style that is completely based on trust? By taking the steps of learning to trust again. You will come to those who aren't really worthy of your time, and get hurt...then you will move on. You will meet those who abide to what you want...but realize that they aren't helping you grow by cuddling you away from dealing with your healing. And then when you have finally found yourself back to being whole, you find the one who respects you for you...and respect the person you are still able to become. It is all part of healing after a great loss.

ok....now. Another great hint that my real life GF live by is if we haven't heard from them and we want to, we call that man. If he still doesn't talk, we let him know we would love to hear from him when he is able. This is all done in a tone of fun and silliness. Then wait. Yep it sucks...but either they will call back or they won't. After a couple of days...they are off the list. And most importantly, make it a person rule that there is no relationship between you and any Dom tell you meet face to face. Trust me if they are interested....they'll make the time to come see you. ;)




RiotGirl -> RE: To talk or not (11/3/2006 7:47:17 PM)

To answer the thread title......

i say being mute is best




CrazyC -> RE: To talk or not (11/3/2006 7:54:08 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sinergy

Hello A/all,

I have not had a vast amount of experience with different people in this lifestyle, but one of the main reasons I seldom meet people for coffee is that the situation tends to unfold like so.

1)  I work two jobs.  Im never home.  Im always driving somewhere to do something.  Today is an exception.  I could have worked today, but I refused to do so because I am trying to teach myself to work 5 days a week.  So I stayed home.  I moved some furniture.  I cleaned my house.  I unpacked a couple of boxes from my move.

2)  So on those infrequent times I have been chatting with somebody, I am fairly open about what is going on in my life.  We talk, I enjoy talking, those I have talked to seem to enjoy talking to me.

3)  So I finally make some sort of earnest effort to meet somebody for coffee.  I state up front that I am busier than a one-legged man in a butt-kicking contest, but if they can accept these parameters, sure, lets meet.

4)  We meet for coffee.  We enjoy our time chatting.  Sometimes we kiss in the parking lot.

Then it starts.  (ominous music builds in the background)

The accusations. 

The insistences that I am online chatting with a horde of people. 

The fact that I dont want to talk on the phone means I am having an affair. 

They wonder why I am not available, am I seeing somebody else?

The typical "If you really loved me" comments.

The desire to be invited over so she can move in and live with me.

5)  I finally politely indicate that I am not interested in pursuing a relationship.

6)  They ask why not.  I tell them.  The waterworks start.  The recriminations. The bargaining.  The attempted emotional blackmail.

Just easier to go to work or go dancing or whatever.

Just me, could be wrong, but there you go.

Sinergy


Sorry you went through that. All signs of someone who isn't secure with herself....i only know because i was like that once.




Sinergy -> RE: To talk or not (11/3/2006 9:25:25 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: CrazyC

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sinergy

Existential Dominant Whining



Sorry you went through that. All signs of someone who isn't secure with herself....i only know because i was like that once.


It is not like it only happened once...

Sinergy




LadyHugs -> RE: To talk or not (11/3/2006 10:10:07 PM)

Dear lilserenity, Ladies and Gentlemen;
 
As a dominant, I also have a life away from the home PC.  I am involved with community as well as care giver.  Once I had two to provide care to, now I am down to one.  My sibling does not do their share in giving me a break.  I find myself doing my sibling's job and mine as well. 
 
Before my daughterly duties got me so nailed down per se; I always tried my dead level best to warn people of the 'Expect the unexpected.'  I live in a neighborhood that was build in the late 1940s and early 1950's.  Telephone and power lines are above grown, trees all around, its often true that Air Conditioning in summer isn't needed due to the shade.  But, as trees age, die and such; weather takes some trees down and out.  So, I'm at the mercy of 'mother nature.'
 
I honestly had zero time to get on the PC and email anybody, when a parent had a sudden heart attack.  Totally a shocker, and had to tow the other parent with Alzheimer's along, have them dress and such as to transport them both to the hospital.  First time and trip, the parent survived the severe heart attack.  Got home from the hospital, being the one driving and dealing with a freaked out parent.  In four hours the parent was dead in the chair and the whirl of emergency and crisis handling went into gear, only taking the one parent DOA and a freaked out parent and sibling in a daze.  I honestly had no time.
 
The day after my parent's death, I had an academy class to teach.  I had my handouts and gear and don't know how I made it but, I did.
I did the parents funeral planning, cemetary stuff and went back home and then changed, picked up my gear and went back to the academy, did it again, bury the parent and went to the academy afterwards.
 
I've had to drop out of my involvment at the academy, as the surviving parent and the running of house and grounds got to much.
I take my parent at times twice a day to different doctors. 
 
It isn't that I'm avoiding--I just have little time.  And, when I do have time, I make the best of it.
 
If I was void of all this currently, I could afford to be available for a clingy and needy slave.  But, if I don't take care of myself--I won't be good to anybody.
 
My slave robert was the perfect slave for such a situation I am in now, if he was around.  He isn't but; my slave robert was my sunshine and positive charge always.  He let me set the pace.  In times of his crisis, I let him set the pace.  We're still the best of friends and hold deep affections for each other.  When my life is at a dull roar again--perhaps we'll resume our lives together.  And--maybe not.  Never know. 
 
But, it is true--a female dominant I know has had their father die about five times now.  So, I wouldn't be surprised if other people, regardless if dominant or submissive used such an excuse.  Sometimes, you just have to trust people are telling the truth unless you have such evidence of some stretched truth, like a father dying five times--excuses used in different groups at different times.  Just forgets that some people are in different groups also.
 
Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs




FelinePersuasion -> RE: To talk or not (11/9/2006 6:43:11 PM)

I would be mad if you called me very early just to check on me wheather I was cheating or not.
quote:

ORIGINAL: dsamethyst


I personally do what i call "the married check"   that consists of doing a 2-3am phone call




MmakeMme -> RE: To talk or not (11/10/2006 4:12:20 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

quote:

All I am stating is that in my mind meeting somebody for coffee after chatting online and on the phone does not a collaring make.


It does for some people though.  Usually it's a sad tale.



Codependency. It is a poisonous and cyclical behavior pattern. Ida feels isolated so she tries to manipulate and control people to do what she wants. Other people do not like Isolated Ida's manipulation and control so they refuse to participate.

Isolated Ida becomes even more upset and more manipulative, not understanding that this very behavior is causing the problem. She blames / shames the person who refuses to play, and that person (the target) does not allow her control, she simply finds someone else toward whom to direct it.

The only problem is that, as the OP pointed out, the behaviors repeat themselves no matter who else is involved. This is a survival mechanism, NOT a weakness or a reason to be ashamed. Codependency serves codependents well but there comes a time that one must break out of this behavior pattern.

I highly recommend therapy and joining a CoDA group. If nothing else, get "The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie and read it daily. I used to be Isolated Ida and know how bad the OP feels ... I also know how good it feels to be in recovery. Good luck.




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