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Mercnbeth -> RE: How D/sBDSM enhanses your life (10/25/2006 12:37:25 PM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: LotusSong
Let's have a "warm fuzzy" topic here.
How does D/sBDSM enhance your life?
What drew you to it?
If it didn't exist.. what do you think you would be seen as?
Lotus,
For the majority of my life my desire for BDSM, and in particular D/s, didn't enhance my life it frustrated me. Looking back, even at the onset of my sexuality I desired to experience activities now defined under the umbrella label of 'lifestyle'. This was long before access to any information was available to the general public, let alone the general public of a Catholic school system. My initial answer of 'Psychologist' to the question; "What do you want to be when you grow up?” was because in early high school it gave me access to the 'abnormal' psychology books in the library.
I found myself in those books. Read about icons such as the Marquis de Sade, and learned technique from my readings of the Inquisition. The dichotomy of the fierce, often uncontrollable, attraction to partaking in these activities under the backdrop of classes being taught by nuns and priests almost made be psychotic. I remember tossing away all my 'literature' and praying to God as a Lenten sacrifice; but on a really 'Good Friday' finding a date who let me tie her up and spank her. I felt the first real sense of D/s ‘power’ when my steady girl told me how embarrassed she was being the only girl shaved in the HS communal showers. I have an evil grin on my face now remembering very clearly that conversation, and the option I gave her. “Sure”, I said “you can let it grow back, but that means you aren’t my girlfriend anymore.” We dated through college.
Going to a college in the shade of NYC, the research took on a more 'hands on' nature. It was the glory days, of 42nd street debauchery. A person could start out as a virgin walking from Grand Central Station and by the time they made it to the Port Authority they'd be a heroin addicted street prostitute. Quarter eating 'private' video booths showed German movies where a tuxedo shirt and pants clad bearded man with a big beer belly tortured his slave 'M' in all manner of ways. Al Goldstein started SCREW magazine which actually had articles on spanking, bondage, and other 'perversions'. Best of all there were some 'personal' ads that showed that there were people, and better yet GROUPS of people who took part in these activities somewhat regularly.
It tool more than a little courage to walk alone up the steps to the first club I ever entered. “Hellfire” was a scary place. The only thing scarier looking were the people, at least until you talked to them. I was amazed how open they were; how quickly they became un-scary. What I saw I never saw before. It didn’t take much time to experience just a much. I loved the “Village” back then before the yuppies made it fashionable. It was the aftermath of Stonewall, and pre AIDS. It was an ‘open’ city. The gay men and woman and the leather community was coming into its own. These were just people. I learned about myself and knew, if it was possible, that I wanted to live a life with this ‘lifestyle’ ingrained in it as much as possible. I think at that point of awareness frustration set in.
You see, making that decision removed me from the majority. Many of my friends and those whose parities I attended saw these activities as a distraction or an outlet for the frustrations of working in the ‘City’. I remember seeing formally dressed men and woman in thousand dollar outfits stripping down and having their asses turned to raw meat. Afterwards they’d dress and I’d see them at a business dinner at “Windows”. There were very few who wanted to live all the time in the manner they displayed in the clubs. Most that did were already in relationships or of a sex, or an age that wasn’t compatible with me. I had many physical experiences and some emotional and mental relationships that lasted for a period of time, but eventually, it would end. Of course the worst example of that was my ex, who I met a NYC club, who on our honeymoon, literally on the plane, said to me; “I hope you’ve gotten all the BDSM nonsense out of your system.”
Well, I actually did try. I spent almost 20 years with her. I figured that maybe it was just a passing phase and I should be more “mature” in my sexual desires. She would placate me for holidays, birthdays, and other ‘special occasions’ (like when she was horny for the old days) bring out our old ‘toys’ and her favorite nipple clips. But the physical only nature of the activity was not fulfilling. She finally gave up, and when the arguments became more and more frequent said if I needed to go back to the NYC clubs I should. She became a typical wife of a cheating high powered executive, and I played the role of the ‘cheating executive. She had the big house, the country club, the kids in private school, and the charity work. I went back the clubs were we met, had a small apartment in the City for the ‘late working’ nights and enjoyed the friends who I was most comfortable.
In reality it was a sad life. It’s worse knowing what you what and not being able to have it. It’s almost as bad as not being able to find it at all.
It all came crashing down on 9/11. My company and business was turned to power with the rest of South Tower. I lost all the material wealth I had, and what I didn’t lose I gave to her and said goodbye. I had an opportunity to go west and drove out in a 19 foot U-Haul truck, with a flea ridden cat from the apartment and furniture reclaimed from the basement of my house. A D/s BDSM life was the farthest thing from my mind.
Somehow I came out the other side. When it was time to meet people and date again I realized that for the first time in 18 years I had the ability to search for a person compatible with my desires. Better yet, I now had experience and a better perspective giving me the ability to be ‘specific’. Also I had enough life experience not to accept compromise.
Well, the story has a happy ending. I found beth. And yes, the years since being with her have “enhanced” my life. By percentage it means 8% of my sexually active and aware life has been “enhanced”. I wouldn’t trade where I’m at for anything, but I’d trade much of the 92% that I had to go through to get here. I’m hoping that beth and I live to an age where enhanced percentage is in the majority.
If D/s BDSM or the ‘lifestyle’ didn’t exist I still would. Short of the Catholic education I had, there was no trauma in my life that manifested itself as a deep rooted need to degrade and/or whip people or women in general or beth in particular. If there were no internet outlets and all the clubs were closed I wouldn’t think of myself any differently. I’d be “seen” as I am today. And as today, I wouldn’t have a concern how anyone else sees me.
Look around CM. Very few posts and fewer questions document a person representing an “enhanced” life. More common are the frustrations of incompatibility; the frustration of being alone. When it comes right down to it, it shows that we as individuals, under the label of ‘lifestyle’, are no different than those living outside that label. It makes us common, ‘vanilla’ in the need for someone to share in your life for your life to be ‘enhanced’. Powerless, regardless of any effort, to enhance yourself through personal effort except to be more aware.
Ah, what a nice purge! Thanks for the opportunity.
Hope this doesn't derail your attempt at a "warm fuzzy" topic.
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