Thoughts on service

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gypsygrl -> Thoughts on service (10/10/2006 6:26:31 PM)
A couple discussions lately have gotten me thinking about service, something I've always enjoyed. Almost as soon as I started exploring with bd/sm and D/s I realized I was very much service oriented and that serving gave me a feeling of safety. With that realization came a nagging suspicion that my desire to serve was somehow related to a need to be in control, and so long as I was serving, I was safe. I hate being on the receiving end of service because it makes me feel so weak and dependant and I don't like the attention. Its as if 'service' allows me to hide. I imagine sometimes that if I ever ran into a sadist who really wanted to cause me discomfort, the perfect way to do that would be to wait on me hand and foot. I've read about Dominants like this, and it does give me a bad case of the heebie jeebies. I don't have a good handle on this, and I'm not putting this thought out with the idea that its defensible. In the past, when I've thrown things out for comment or discussion, its been really helpful in pushing my thinking along, so I'm just kind of looking for other people's thoughts. :)

BitaTruble -> RE: Thoughts on service (10/10/2006 6:31:41 PM)
I have sooooo been there, gypsygrl. It took the longest time for me to come to terms that the service which I provide to Himself needs to be done on 'his' terms and not my own. Sometimes his terms include him getting me a soda (or whatever) and I always felt that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach when he would get up to do anything for me (or even for himself!) Eventually, it did dawn on me that being owned by him meant that he owned my time as well as my body and what he chooses to do with that time is up to him. If he doesn't want my feet (his feet!) walking to the fridge, then they don't walk. It is still not my preference to have anything done for me, but at least I don't get the sinking feeling anymore. Celeste

Rayne58 -> RE: Thoughts on service (10/10/2006 6:44:38 PM)
I broke my toe a few months ago....boy was it hard for me to just put my foot up and let Him look after me for a change! It felt so "wrong"[&o] but now I've thought back on it and realised that Him taking care of me didn't take anything away from Him as a Master, rather it made me realise how loved and cherished I am [:)] And after all it's in His best interests to look after His sub, otherwise how can she take care of Him to the best of her ability? [;)][:D]

Littlepita -> RE: Thoughts on service (10/10/2006 6:50:58 PM)
He had given me two commands not long ago. One is that I open no doors by myself if he is there, and two I don't carry groceries up the stairs. The door thing wasn't so hard to get used to, but the groceries still bother me. I feel so rude just walking up the stairs with purse in hand while he lugs all the bags. But that is what he wants so that is what I do. [:)]

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Thoughts on service (10/10/2006 7:21:28 PM)
One of the hardest things for subs to give up authority over is of receiving pleasure. Subs are very often people pleasing perfectionists- and indeed often use it as a way to deflect attention from themselves while simultaneously being useful and gaining favor from those around them. As I said in the other thread, it's very hard to bring a sub past some of those control issues, but very nice for everyone when they do.

MasterFireMaam -> RE: Thoughts on service (10/10/2006 8:19:48 PM)
One of my challenges as a Master, especially a woman raised to be very independent, is to let people serve me. I mean, I know that given enough time, the right instruction and the right tools, I can do ANYthing. The situation gets worse, though, when whomever is serving is coming into my home in order to serve. This is becasue my southern upbringing kicks the "hostess" thing into high gear when people come into my home. Just last week, I apologized to the slave half of a Ms couple that visited. I did all her work...even made the Master half oatmeal when no one else was hungry. I'm glad she wasn't offended. I'm working to get over it, though. In time, I too will be able to say, "Glasses are beside the fridge." :-) Service, though, isn't something that's just for subs and slaves. I've always felt that it's an honor to serve your friends, no matter what your station. That's why I served my friends during their title run. Plus, it was just fun to be in a "submissive" role and see people's faces when I was introduced...as Master Fire. :-) Master Fire

MyNameisMaam -> RE: Thoughts on service (10/10/2006 9:20:14 PM)
I get what MasterFire is saying. Was raised by the perfect military wife and hostess who modeled the traditional southern hospitality mentality when it comes to serving your guests. As a strong, independent woman, I find myself doing a lot of things for myself instead of allowing others to do them for me. It's a strange balance.

toservez -> RE: Thoughts on service (10/11/2006 6:47:20 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross One of the hardest things for subs to give up authority over is of receiving pleasure. Subs are very often people pleasing perfectionists- and indeed often use it as a way to deflect attention from themselves while simultaneously being useful and gaining favor from those around them. As I said in the other thread, it's very hard to bring a sub past some of those control issues, but very nice for everyone when they do. I echo this very much. Throughout all aspects of my life I am uncomfortable with people doing things for me or doing something that I perceived to be something I should be doing. For instance I can be at a dinner party and someone takes my plate to cleanup and it will drive me internally bonkers. I have learned over the years to deal with it and not instantly react or protest but the feeling is always there initially. I have found it often helpful to try to ubnderstand the person who is doing the helping and when I can see that it is something they are wanting to do and not doing it because they think they should I can relax and enjoy it.

MzMinx -> RE: Thoughts on service (10/11/2006 7:25:20 AM)
I agree Master Fire Maam I to have had to learn to allow service smiles ... there has never been a doubt I enjoy it .. desire it .. and get all sorts of pleasures out of it.... but it is not only about being the 'independant competant' individual and all the behaviour patterns such can entail... I love 5 star hotels and all the delights of being served in such 'profesional' ways ...... I have had house keepers for years ... and I can happily direct someone else's submissive to where things are etc ..... but such feels little different than managing and directing things at work ... But when its about an individual submissive I am interested in, then everything changes, its now an intimate act ... the energy conection that is formed, when its not just some one getting me a glass of water ... but of serving me in attitude and actions ... it is so much more than just the effect of the action .. eg me getting the glass of water .... it evokes a very visceral reaction from me .... depending on the submissive its like a trigger or pull to my dominance ..... and I choose who is allowed to move into that space with me .... many submissives seem to find it quite surprising I wont allow them to serve me when we have first met ... but to me its part of becoming intimate and conected with one I also feel I learn a lot about a submissive .... when in the begining, I might serve the coffee ... or do other things which they might normaly be expected to take care of ... for example .. do they try to do these things automaticaly ... do they jump up to help me .. do they just let me do things and dont even notice ... do they ask if they may .... do they keep offering ...... do they get frazzled or surprised at my actions ... etc as bita says .... I am looking for how they react to things when I set 'my terms' ... my limits and structure over their desire and belief to serve .. warm smile ... but I have never believed to serve is the same as being submissive ..... same as submitting does not make you a submissive .. or haveing control make you a dominant I serve in many ways ... to me service is part of being a whole human ... its the expression, the intent and the wholeness of me, above any single action or feeling that defines who I am

gypsylee -> RE: Thoughts on service (10/11/2006 7:55:41 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: gypsygrl With that realization came a nagging suspicion that my desire to serve was somehow related to a need to be in control... bingo. i lived with a young guy who did almost everything for me. in the beginning i needed it cos i was recovering from a serious illness and i was very physically and emotionally weak. but as i regained my strength and independence it became a real issue because i didn't need it and he'd been trying to make himself indispensible. i ended up having to kick him out because he became so controlling that it was unbareable. this is a really extreme case, but yeh i guess it's what they mean by, 'topping from the bottom'.

gypsygrl -> RE: Thoughts on service (10/11/2006 9:47:25 AM)
Ok, good. These comments hit home some. BitaTruble, yeah, that's kind of where I got to in my thinking and I'm very big on permission and trying not to assume I can tell what another person needs or impose myself on them. But only do things for someone when they request it. This, actually, is how I prefer to be treated and it helps me with the feelings of dependency. Rayne58, I want to say, yeah! thats the way it should be, but I'm not sure I could deal with it so gracefully. I mean I can see the logic there, but thats different from feeling the feeling. Littlepita, thats exactly the sort of sadist I'm talking about. If not allowed to carry groceries, I could see my self flapping my arms, stomping my feet and going into a good long, if silent and internal, temper tantrum. LuckyAlbatross, I agree that for me, its a way of deflecting attention while at the same time maintaining positive connection. I'm not sure how it relates to a sub giving up authority over her own pleasure, though. Are you saying that in not wanting to be served, I'm maintaining control over how others please me by simply not allowing it or resisting it? MasterFireMaam, I was raised to be independant and more or less self-sufficient and in my adult life its those qualities that seems to attract people to me so, making do for myself is one way I've learned to please people. This goes back to my childhood, but it was also a factor when I was married with my ex-husband. Of course, there's something brutal about this: if I didn't need anything, he didn't have to give anything. I also have the hostess thing and I have to be really careful because guys, vanilla or otherwise, think that just because I'm nice to them, I like them or something and Dominants do confuse attentiveness and other service oriented qualities with submission. And, I'm like, I'm not necessarily submitting I'm just like that with pretty much everyone unless I have a reason not to be. Its my default mode. Even as I was breaking up with a previous Dominant I was involved with, I still got him drinks when he indicated he wanted them and stuff like that so he thought there was still a chance. I had to work really hard to act in a way consistant with break-up mode. MyNameisMaam, yes, it is a strange balance: to serve everyone but to require little service yourself. I think it goes back to being able to maintain a connection while maintaining independance. toservez, I feel really bad when someone cleans up after me. I take it as an instant commentary that I'm slacking and at a dinner party, its like I failed in being a proper guest. I like to be able to help clean up, but I try not to be a pain about it especially since when I'm the hostess (which is rare) I like to work by myself. MzMinx, I'm getting some insight from your comments into how it might work from 'the other side' of the D/s M/s coin. I agree, it is about intimacy and choosing who accesses that intimate space gypsylee, yes! Ok, so, yeah, there is a close relationship between service and control. It feels kind of like cheating to me, or striking a nefarious bargain, because typically, in serving I can keep my distance and not risk intimacy while at the same time getting the positives favor. I don't think I've ever used service to control someone else, at least not in the recent past, but I have been on the receiving end of that kind of dynamic.

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Thoughts on service (10/11/2006 10:09:28 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: gypsygrl Are you saying that in not wanting to be served, I'm maintaining control over how others please me by simply not allowing it or resisting it? Yup.

becca333 -> RE: Thoughts on service (10/11/2006 10:17:55 AM)
I hadn't thought of it that way before, it's a real eye-opener. You're right, I can see how serving others can be a way of controlling the situation. Thanks for this thread - I've got a lot to think about!

Mavis -> RE: Thoughts on service (10/11/2006 9:14:09 PM)
It's also a way for subtle mind-gaming within sub/slave circles. i know on occasions when i'm with groups of submissive women, i've been graced with gloats as one would whisk away my hubby's plate, as another refreshed his drink. i know it has nothing to do with serving HIM, it's showboating for the single Dominants. But i have had my pride hacked that way and literally raced a gal across the room to get to a fork first, because i sat down with my plate and said oh, fork, and as i started to rise, she took off like a shot to get it for me. It was all in fun, but ... not really. There is a definate current of one-up-manship going on sometimes. i had to really look into my self to see why i was so easily drawn into the "i can out-serve you" game, and it came down to i was afraid of O/others in company perceiving me as not servile enough, not fast enough, not intuitive enough.. Now i can say "eh-uh. If i'm refreshing His drink too early just to beat another sub doing it, i'm not serving His needs. Nowdays i can wait for the sign-language between U/us to do the companion things, let them do the fetching, and let them carry on their marketing blitz unhindered. Or even help it along with, "oh, While you're up, care to bring me a coke?" <giggles>

theRose4U -> RE: Thoughts on service (10/11/2006 9:37:24 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam One of my challenges as a Master, especially a woman raised to be very independent, is to let people serve me. I mean, I know that given enough time, the right instruction and the right tools, I can do ANYthing. The situation gets worse, though, when whomever is serving is coming into my home in order to serve. This is becasue my southern upbringing kicks the "hostess" thing into high gear when people come into my home. Just last week, I apologized to the slave half of a Ms couple that visited. I did all her work...even made the Master half oatmeal when no one else was hungry. I'm glad she wasn't offended. I'm working to get over it, though. In time, I too will be able to say, "Glasses are beside the fridge." :-) Service, though, isn't something that's just for subs and slaves. I've always felt that it's an honor to serve your friends, no matter what your station. That's why I served my friends during their title run. Plus, it was just fun to be in a "submissive" role and see people's faces when I was introduced...as Master Fire. :-) Master Fire This isn't just you. Southern upbringing I think gets into your DNA. I actually look for boys that can give good service. Dinner parties are easier when there are multiple sets of trained and willing hands. If I could find one that was as into wine as I am food and gardening I'd be set.

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