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LTRsubNW -> I've decided to open my mail in front of you... (10/7/2006 2:25:54 PM)
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"IMPORTANT INFORMATION ENCLOSED":
Homefield finance wants to save me $700.00 a month in finance charges for my house (further reading in the fine print makes clear that Homefield is a rape artist and wants me to sign up for a mortgage that will allow them to give me a mortgage that causes $1,100.00 more per month to go to principal...DEBT....in essence, I will owe $1,100.00 more every month...but I'll "save" $700.00 a month refinancing with them).
Thanks, but no thanks.
The "Douglas Doniger" agency wants me to know (by addressing the correspondence as "To whom it may concern") that my commercial properties are of "significant importance", and they feel they could maximize my income potential by (I presume, addressing me as effectively "Hey YOU!").
(I actually didn't know anyone but my ex wife's divorce attorney even knew I owned commercial properties).
US News and World Report wants me to know that they're offering a "one time only!!!" opportunity to join "world reknowned, knowledgeable experts in economics" in the ongoing effort to educate "those of us who are world shakers" to maximize our investments.
(I sent them a very cordial response that the Douglas Doniger agency is handling all my maximization at this time, thank you very much).
Advanta (an agency for VISA) has opted to opportune themselves of my name (which by the way is "Owner" at {my address}), whereupon I can sign up, gain exactly $2,000.00 "Pre-Approved" and be on my way to flights of fancy, including "trips to Aruba, ski vacations in Switzerland..."
Thank you...no.
Wells Fargo. Those are the very people that insisted that I didn't make enough to cover the refi I asked for....now they want to offer me a $175,000.00 second mortgage.
(I'm thinking...I wasn't good enough for a first mortgage...I say they're not good enough for a second. SEE YA!!!!!).
The Wall Street Journal. They want me to subscribe. I'm afraid they'll have to speak to my representatives at Douglas Doniger...I'm simply far too rich to understand my current financial status (Hey...if you don't know how much your 73 Pinto station wagon cost...you can't afford it)....my agents at Douglas Doniger will inform you whether or not your publication will suffice for my needs.
(Have your people call my people).
Another mortgage group...very classy paper...almost parchment....but...insurance.
Thank you...no.
This next one actually looks good...they even used my middle name.
OH !!!!
I won the International Clearing House Winnebago Sweepstakes!!!!
If I can assure them that I can spell "Winnebago" on camera....I will have a 1 in 27 katrillion chance of getting a check for some amount that's in excess of....ohhhh...someone's at the door....
(I am such a tease).
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