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Amaros -> RE: Expectations.... (10/2/2006 9:55:57 PM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: sapphirepleasure
FR--
I think it's important to distinguish between *expectations* and *desires*. Expectations can and often do lead to disappointments whereas desires are natural and should be acknowledged to oneself but not imposed on another person.
sp
Good point, and probobly more along the lines of how I approach the subject - I do have desires, and it's difficult not to translate those into expectations - and face it - everybody has them.
The problems is, it's very rare to meet somebody who conforms to your expectation: you just don't know what someone is like until you meet them, and then you either try to change them to fit your expectations (seldom or never works), or compromise and adjust your own expectations to more closely match theirs (works if both sides work towards the middle), or you just figure out you're both going in different directions and chalk it up to experience.
So the best approach is to try and keep your expectations to a minimum, that way you don't end up resenting somebody who might turn out to be a good friend, even if they don't meet your expectations. Not always easy, but it comes with experience.
The worst though, is when you bury your expectations, and settle for less than you need - sooner or later those expectations are going to resurface, and everybody is going to end up miserable - so you really need to think about what you want vs. what you need.
I do have certain expectations that I'm unwilling to compromise on, because I'm not willing to make myself miserable for somebody, other areas where I'm more flexible because I don't expect or desire anyone to make themselves miserable for me.
Even in courting submissives, I'm kinda wary about martyr complexes, which can turn into a very tedious kind of passive-aggressive control trip. I think a good sub needs to be on a fairly even keel psychologically - I can't really figure out your expectations until I understand your motivations, an dI see it as part of my duty to try to get you bring you to equalibrium - otherwise, what fun ould there be in knocking you off your keel again? - But even if it turns out to be less than favorable to my cause, otherwise I risk getting locked into an unhealthy cycle.
These are the sort of expectations I entertain, beyond the superficial somatic level of sexual experimentation.
This isn't always some deep psychological thing, could be a sensation or emotion junkie, or you might just be kinky, and that works - it would tend to affect the approach I would take however, in order to acheive the best rapport.
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