I'm here to tell you... (Full Version)

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LTRsubNW -> I'm here to tell you... (9/29/2006 6:43:33 PM)

My cats have a different viewpoint on things;

I just came home and my cats said (I can read "cat") "hey...fuck you...I've been chasing mice all motherfucking day long...where the hell were you?"

Like I said...I can read cat...I know a cat bluff from a basic cat "Bud...what's happening?  Hey, I've been shitting in your shoes all day long while you were at work...how was your day?"
 
So...I walk in the door, my cats are standing there sticking their thumbs in their lapels...(which is rather freaky actually...now think about it....what's way the fuck freakier is when they change the channels, ask for a Bud light and then tell you you got the wrong bling on your new Toyota)...

And then the phone rang.

"No, I don't need a 27 year extended warranty on my new SEARS dishwasher...I never wash my dishes...I only put that thing in to attract chics...what?  If I run Asian garments through my dishwasher the warranty is voided?  Well, thank you so much...I was actually planning on dragging it out into my garden and using it as a mulching system and besides...I only order my clothing from the 3rd Draconian order of the 27th housewives of Org...thank you so much...how would I have known?"
 
(These people are good...they know shit).

And so it goes with my life.

My cats.

My cats seem to believe that if they sleep with me, they owe me something.  Now I have to tell you honestly...if I let you sleep with me...you owe me nothing.  Really.  Nothing at all.

I will give myself...why?  Because I'm a giver.

So...my cats...they seem to think that in all this fur that they share (which, by the way, I have an extreme collection of sticky roller thingies {and I use them})...so...there's that)...and then there's...

"THE MOTHERFUCKING DEAD SQUISHY THINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Yeah.

On the right side (where I get up actually), where my slippers aren't (they're on the left side....but I naturally get up on the right side)...gushy things...a love gift....

Squishy.

Very wet...and headless (generally not still moving).

I would like someone to tell my cats this is on the upper side of NOT MOTHERFUCKING OK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Thank you very much).




Elegrea -> RE: I'm here to tell you... (9/29/2006 6:48:27 PM)

Dogs...have owners.
Cats...have staff.

Cats...are a submissive's companion animal.
Dogs...are a Dominant's companion animal.
African Pied Crows...are a sadist's companion animal.

You've not been tortured til you've been tortured by a big, bored crow.
On the other hand, if you refrigerate your cat's presents and bring them to my crow...he will make short work of them, and leave you alone...at least until the time when he goes looking for somewhere to cache that beakful of rodent intestines.

*applauds*
Funny piece. Read well.


[8|]



philosophy -> RE: I'm here to tell you... (9/29/2006 6:50:30 PM)

"Cats...are a submissive's companion animal.
Dogs...are a Dominant's companion animal.
African Pied Crows...are a sadist's companion animal."

..and african pied cows are someone who can't spell very well's companion animal.



kyraofMists -> RE: I'm here to tell you... (9/29/2006 6:52:36 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LTRsubNW


"THE MOTHERFUCKING DEAD SQUISHY THINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"



lol

Be thankful that they are at least dead.  Crawled into bed the other night and mine had left me a live one  *g* 



juliaoceania -> RE: I'm here to tell you... (9/29/2006 6:55:52 PM)

My Kitty has left me such love offerings... I was squicked and touched at the same time... I love my Kitty.



stockingluvr54 -> RE: I'm here to tell you... (9/29/2006 6:57:57 PM)

I wuva wuva my kitty kat.......

And yes......she actually runs the house and boy does she get pissed when I'm not around to open the fucking door all the time! But I wuv my wittle kitty.........



SirKenin -> RE: I'm here to tell you... (9/29/2006 7:46:09 PM)

Somebody forgot to take their Ritalin.



LTRsubNW -> RE: I'm here to tell you... (9/29/2006 7:48:11 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SirKenin

Somebody forgot to take their Ritalin.


(I'm not feeling the love here)



SirKenin -> RE: I'm here to tell you... (9/29/2006 7:51:28 PM)

Awwwww.  Come here shnoookums... 

[8D]



cuddleheart50 -> RE: I'm here to tell you... (9/29/2006 8:24:09 PM)

You are sooooooooo funny.  With you around, who needs to go to a comedy club....



lauren0221 -> RE: I'm here to tell you... (9/29/2006 9:47:36 PM)

I feel your pain. I came back from a 5 day trip, and found, in my living room, a squirrel, a large unidentified rodent, and a chipmunk. My little angels caught me welcome home presents, and were puzzled at my screams and shrieks as I disposed of their gifts.



DomKen -> RE: I'm here to tell you... (9/29/2006 10:33:46 PM)

You should be touched, your cats are simply trying to help support the household not like those idiot drooling all over everything never do anything useful but bark at the kids next door dogs.

I'm eagerly awaiting spring and my friend's Maine Coon's litter from which I've been promised a kitten. I am sort of curious what kind of "love offerings" a 15 lb. cat will find to bring me.



diamonddreamlove -> RE: I'm here to tell you... (9/29/2006 11:53:22 PM)

Can tell You that 15 lbs of kitty can bring home German Sheppards!  Mine has even taught a Rott a thing or two.  Birds don't stand a chance around here.  He climbs the tree and waits until they start to land on a limb and he jumps on them bringing them and him to the ground rapidly.  His squirrel intake has been awsome to watch.  And the family joke is what is Lightening having for dinner or is it who is he having for dinner.  Be prepared these cats can trap anyone and mine has even stolen my heart!



WyrdRich -> RE: I'm here to tell you... (9/30/2006 8:02:57 AM)

     We may have done a bad and dangerous thing.  We brought home a kitten of savage killer stock and have allowed the wolf to raise it.  On the upside, I haven't had my sleep disturbed by a mockingbird lately.



LaTigresse -> RE: I'm here to tell you... (9/30/2006 8:04:03 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: DomKen

You should be touched, your cats are simply trying to help support the household not like those idiot drooling all over everything never do anything useful but bark at the kids next door dogs.

I'm eagerly awaiting spring and my friend's Maine Coon's litter from which I've been promised a kitten. I am sort of curious what kind of "love offerings" a 15 lb. cat will find to bring me.


I used to have a 13# mutt of a cat that would bring home full grown ducks and rabbits and thought nothing of defending his territory against the neighbour's rotty. I miss that damned cat.

Now I have a lil 8# puss that only brings up mice, shrews, small rabbits. Unless of course the two dogs and the cat hunt together, then its multiple rabbits. Quite amazing to watch actually, the dogs head into the brush and flush them out towards the waiting cat. Even though I don't allow the dogs to eat the rabbits (worms) it doesn't stop them from the chase.

Thank you very much for the humorous story!![:D]



topcat -> RE: I'm here to tell you... (9/30/2006 8:24:35 AM)

quote:

I'm eagerly awaiting spring and my friend's Maine Coon's litter from which I've been promised a kitten. I am sort of curious what kind of "love offerings" a 15 lb. cat will find to bring me.


M. Ken-
 
think twice. Mine brought me a full grown rabbit(into my bed, while I slept), after aparrently having dragged it a few miles, and was trying to bring home the neighbors terrier when they chased it off the remains with a hose...



LotusSong -> RE: I'm here to tell you... (9/30/2006 8:29:03 AM)

My dear LTR-
 
Being I am well versed in cat protocol, I can assure you that what you are doing is not acknowledging the gift as it was given.
 
You should always pick up the offering., sniff lightly  and give a token taste.
 
You then stroke the cat and tell him that although you appreciate the gift it is not exactly your favorite and if they would be so kind as to leave their next one outside the pet so that it can be  warmed, you will pick it up at your earliest opportunity.
 
This way, the cat is not insulted and will not retaliate.



LadyMorgynn -> RE: I'm here to tell you... (9/30/2006 8:42:46 AM)

My personal favorite: 

Dogs come when you call them.
Cats take a message and get back to you.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Elegrea
Dogs...have owners.
Cats...have staff.



stockingluvr54 -> RE: I'm here to tell you... (9/30/2006 9:24:34 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SirKenin

Somebody forgot to take their Ritalin.


LMAO!



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