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RE: Of a serious nature - the ghosts of abuse - 9/25/2006 12:28:17 PM   
sophia37


Posts: 1433
Joined: 2/7/2006
Status: offline 		I most defintely brought my past to my present situation. It took me some years to work through my issues and recognize why Ive made the choices Ive made. I also had to come to terms and more farther along to the place of forgiveness. You can be free someday from making the same choices. You can even correct your path. Theres hope for us still I guess.

(in reply to CrappyDom)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Of a serious nature - the ghosts of abuse - 9/25/2006 12:51:36 PM   
Sinergy


Posts: 9383
Joined: 4/26/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie

Actually, I didn't ask that.  I mentioned that other threads have asked that, but that this thread was to ask how past abuses have affected current relationships.



Hello A/all,

Thank you for clarifying that for me.  I will give it a shot.  My parents both hit me frequently, in a couple of cases with things
like brooms, when I was growing up.  They also tended to be overcontrolling and domineering in the way they raised me.  Lastly, neither of them have much (if any) control over their emotions.  They were not as violent as a lot of other people's parents were, but I grew up with a fairly healthy respect for the down side of losing emotional control.

I studied martial arts and philosophy and self defense, and came to the conclusion around the age of 24 that I was not going to allow myself the luxury of allowing my emotions to rule my action.  This is largely because I generally have an aversion to spending time in either a hospital, a prison, or a morgue.  I never hit my children.  I seldom even yelled at them.  I am of a mind that thinks if one yells at people too much, eventually all they ever hear is the yelling, and then they tune the yeller out.

My sister ended up being rather submissive in her interactions with our parents, although we are not close enough to where I can guage her interactions with the men in her life.

Actions speak louder than words, and people learn from their primary caregivers.  I guess I took the lessons my parents taught me and have spent most of my life trying to avoid falling into what I perceive are the patterns of behavior they inherited from their caregivers.

Make sense?

Sinergy

Edited for clarity and because I misspelled edited.

< Message edited by Sinergy -- 9/25/2006 12:56:29 PM >

_____________________________

"There is a fine line between clever and stupid"
David St. Hubbins "This Is Spinal Tap"

"Every so often you let a word or phrase out and you want to catch it and bring it back. You cant do that, it is gone, gone forever." J. Danforth Quayle


(in reply to ownedgirlie)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Of a serious nature - the ghosts of abuse - 9/25/2006 3:18:29 PM   
julietsierra


Posts: 1841
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: WhipTheHip

I have a special place in my heart for the downtrodden, for misfits,
for society's outcasts, for the emotionally disturbed and for those
with mental health issue. 
 
Those who were abused need extra love, more attention, greater
reassurance. They may fear abandonment and mistreatment.
 
My heart goes out to all those who have been hurt, who have
been mistreated, and have felt unloved.   It is my desire to
give them all the love they have missed, to comfort them
and hold them, and make them feel worthy and needed.  It
is my desire to make up to them their loss.  


Well, I suppose that's nice and all, but I don't want or need pity - which is what this all sounds like, even if not meant to be. I don't need anyone to "make up" for my loss, and unless anyone has found a way to go back in time, I don't think that's possible. My life is what it is - good, bad and everything in between. I would feel completely smothered if someone tried to do this with me - however well meaning their intentions might be.

I like the fact that the person in my life recognizes that this kind of control, while not meaning to be, can be just as oppressive as any other. In my situation, I LIKE that his attitude is "ok, that happened. You can't change it. Now, how are you going to live the REST of your life?" And then he lets me figure it out.

I'd hate to think that the reason he's with me is to try to "make up" for whatever and whoever came before him. I want to be accepted completely on my own - regardless of what that means. I don't want him or anyone treating me with kid gloves or oh-so tenderly unless they MEAN it. And by "mean it," I mean that they feel love for ME, not pity because of who came before into my life.

I'm all for the underdog, but even Underdog didn't get pity. He fought for what was right. That - to me - is a far cry better than any  "you poor poor girl" reaction. I'm not a "poor poor girl." I'm stronger than the person who tried to destroy me ever could conceive me being, and I'll be damned if pity will take a front seat in my life now.

Come to think of it, I wouldn't consider myself on the coldest day in hell to be a misfit, an outcast of society or emotionally disturbed. My mental health is intact. I've made sure of that thank you very much.

I've dealt with my fears of abandonment and guess what...it was THROUGH intentional and planned abandonment that I did so. Too much catering to someone's difficulties only creates more reliance on them.

I never have ever wanted a white knight or personal savior. I wanted a MAN - full of all the arrogance, foibles, laughter and pragmatism that a man has.



juliet

< Message edited by julietsierra -- 9/25/2006 3:25:24 PM >

(in reply to WhipTheHip)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Of a serious nature - the ghosts of abuse - 9/25/2006 3:28:23 PM   
sapphirepleasure


Posts: 411
Joined: 4/27/2006
From: Land of Enchantment
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: pqwinny

i want to add 2 more cents as this relates to D/s...

i am finding that my relationship with my Sir has had a surprising side effect as it pertains to things i know are linked to past negative experiences. 

Because He has instilled in me such a strong sense of unconditional love and safety, i have experienced the surfacing of some of the deepest and most painful emotional releases of my life.  Stuff that seems to have been locked far away for my own protection and self-preservation has surfaced with Him-the human psyche is remarkable, to me, in the way that it is geared to survival and healing under all conditions.

When this first occurred it was unsettling for both of us.  But we have come to understand, accept and embrace it happens as symbolic of the trust and deep connection between us that creates an environment conducive to not only pleasure and gratification but healing and growth as well. 

It's never pleasant for me when it occurs but it is most definitely cathartic.  And i wonder if this new level of healing would have been available to me if not for D/s.


Thanks for sharing this so beautifully, pq.  This is what I am hoping to find and why I am not avoiding the things that take me to these scary places.  It definitely is cathartic and healing in the context of a loving and safe relationship, which is what I am hoping to find.

sp

(in reply to pqwinny)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Of a serious nature - the ghosts of abuse - 9/25/2006 6:34:57 PM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		You can move beyond it?  I have never been able to accomplish that.  I am a masochist. 
I am Not just someone who enjoys extreme sensual sensation.  I found that masochism allowed me to settle the world into a livable space.  I have my moments of peace in a nilla way.  If I feel secure I can temper the masochist beast within and just enjoy what ever comes. 
But If  I am feeling insecure I vent that beast upon myself.  It is a very destructive process.  It can be physical, reckless, or emotional, but it isn't something I can control on my own. 
FOrtunately, it is something that I focus on myself.  I would hate to see me let this loose on someone else.
Emotionally though, it can be tough on a partner who isn't prepared to reel me in.
Kyst. <who feels shame now, and may have to flog myself>  LOL
quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sinergy

Your question is a bit puzzling, because it seems to ask whether there is a one to one correlation between abuse and their being
involved in the Lifestyle.


Actually, I didn't ask that.  I mentioned that other threads have asked that, but that this thread was to ask how past abuses have affected current relationships.

Indeed it is a hell, but we can only strive to move past it.  Similarly to what you said.  Not trite at all :)



_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley


(in reply to ownedgirlie)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Of a serious nature - the ghosts of abuse - 9/25/2006 7:23:36 PM   
WhipTheHip


Posts: 1004
Joined: 7/31/2006
Status: offline 		> Why do you feel the overwhelming NEED to be the Rescuer?
 
Good question.  Why are you a Dom and not a Sub?
 
Maybe because I am Holden Caufield.    Maybe because
I am Don Quixote.  Maybe because I have had my own
problems.  Maybe because I have empathy.  Maybe because 
I have a guilt or martyr complex.  Probably, because I felt like
the underdog so much of the time when I was growing up.
I don't really know for sure.  Does it really matter?
 
Cheers,
Michael



_____________________________



(in reply to MasterFireMaam)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Of a serious nature - the ghosts of abuse - 9/25/2006 8:14:46 PM   
JerseyKrissi72


Posts: 10238
Joined: 8/21/2006
From: Reed City, Michigan
Status: offline 		When I met my late Master I brought alot of my past in the relationship as well...I had a very abusive childhood both emotionally and physically ---i suffered from post traumatic stress disorder not to mention that i was bipolar which is something that I deal with very well now...I was a recovering cutter when we met but had one episode where I fell into a deep depression and began again...He taught me other ways to deal with my past...how to get the rage I felt inside out without hurting myself....I now have my self esteem back and I have him to thank for it...When he passed away I felt a tremendous void inside and wanted to fall back into my old ways of self abuse but I couldn't...I just remembered what he taught me and even to this day I can hear his voice, reminding me of my self worth.

(in reply to Missokyst)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Of a serious nature - the ghosts of abuse - 9/25/2006 9:00:55 PM   
swtsouthernsub


Posts: 477
Joined: 12/23/2004
Status: offline 		 applauds everyone for showing there courage on this post
i saw it yesterday and felt it needed to  be respond to  but had reservations .
because my demons still rear there ugly heads often and instead of trying to deal with what happened to me i got into dating  married men  because i was to scared of committment  and  abuse but falling in love with a married man is abuse in itself .
then the  drugs  were my escape very early on in life   and for so many years i tried finding men that  were the oppisite  of the abuser   i was a loner most of my early 20's but then again was to ashamed to even tell them about my past only two men in my life know what really happened to me from the age of 6 to 14 one walked away the other  became a very dear friend but walked away and married another just the same .
so im back to trying  to find out what my reason  and purpose  in life really is  im not looking for pity or someone to fix me it was my life growing up and i dealt with it back then and i shall continue to do so.
but certaintly  by other means then the one's i spoke of earlier.
counseling hasnt ever been affordable but I've always been taught the good Lord won't put on you no more then you can handle and if he does then hes carring you . and what want kill you will make you stronger
there have been many reaccurring flashbacks ,nitemares ,nite terrors, cold sweats waking from a blood curling scream  some caused by play some by small little incindents that ocurr in life journey 
But it most certainly has made parts of me who i am today the good the bad and the ugly  and ive excepted that is who i am my purpose if nothing else is to  strive to please everyone  regaurdless of my own needs for a long time i considered myself damaged goods for that was what was brainwashed into my head that a womans place is in the home overseeing the household and the families needs  and she is her duty to be  seen then heard.
for years i blamed my own mother for leaving me there  but the anger and resentment ate at me like a growing cancer and one must learn to forgive never forget but move on thats a bridge you've already crossed  so i ask for no pity  no tears because i shed my own daily but just    know that it had alot to do with the relationships  i had as i got older  i built a wall around me to where i was stand offish cold ,heartless  but caused me to be clingy and very needy of the ones i did get involved with  was always to agreeable  as if i didnt  really have a say so in what went on even when i was asked my opinion  as if my opinion ever really mattered   i am much better  in a bruttally honest way   i have forgiven all parties and have moved on the demons are just like the devil they will never leave us alone  hopefully that helped answer your question in yesterday's post
im still a  lot of work in progress   and theres days the  Lord still carries me

_____________________________

DEBBIE
Messenger Of Truth
Let the words of my mouth and meditations of my heart,
be acceptable in thy sight O Lord my strength and redeemer
Psalms 19:14

Those with a closed mind live a sheltered life.

(in reply to sapphirepleasure)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Of a serious nature - the ghosts of abuse - 9/25/2006 9:20:01 PM   
Sinergy


Posts: 9383
Joined: 4/26/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: swtsouthernsub

for years i blamed my own mother for leaving me there  but the anger and resentment ate at me like a growing cancer



Hello A/all,

As I grew up and educated myself, I came to the conclusion that the old adage "Never consider evil intention what ignorance can explain" to be one of the most profound statements I have ever read.

At this point in my life I feel bad for my parents.  I feel rather sorry for the people who have damaged the many students who come to our class.  While years ago I was very bitter and resentful, I came to realize that this was counter-productive.  I teach something, it is up to the students to learn it and apply it to their own lives.

I tend to think that everybody has their own path in life to walk.  For me, the anger and resentments and regrets were something I saw as being a cancer that would eat me up from the inside.  So I spent a lot of time learning to forgive and let go.  I hope I was able to teach my children this lesson, but I can only show them the path and help them on it, they have to walk it.

Just me, could be wrong, but there you go.

Sinergy

_____________________________

"There is a fine line between clever and stupid"
David St. Hubbins "This Is Spinal Tap"

"Every so often you let a word or phrase out and you want to catch it and bring it back. You cant do that, it is gone, gone forever." J. Danforth Quayle


(in reply to swtsouthernsub)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Of a serious nature - the ghosts of abuse - 9/25/2006 9:46:52 PM   
Takethiswaltz


Posts: 199
Joined: 3/13/2006
Status: offline 		Dear Ownedgirlie,
I, too, have ghosts of the past, demons even, as you put it.
They DO rear their ugly heads from time to time, and have caused
great and destructive tornadoes . I have found the best way to deal is to listen to them, not too assume it is all lies.  There is a reason why they keep returning again and again.  Try to listen.
My best to you,
T.

_____________________________

Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in...

~Leonard Cohen~

(in reply to ownedgirlie)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Of a serious nature - the ghosts of abuse - 9/25/2006 9:52:16 PM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		I have often tried to learn that lesson.  MOST times If I feel secure I dont have any masochistic thoughts beyond the playful ones.  Insecurity though, brings on the beast that is far easier to tame with a weapon than with my head. 
Kyst
quote:

ORIGINAL: JerseyKrissi72

void inside and wanted to fall back into my old ways of self abuse but I couldn't...I just remembered what he taught me and even to this day I can hear his voice, reminding me of my self worth.


_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley


(in reply to JerseyKrissi72)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Of a serious nature - the ghosts of abuse - 9/25/2006 9:54:48 PM   
swtsouthernsub


Posts: 477
Joined: 12/23/2004
Status: offline 		i as well have forgiven all parties involved i now have a wonderful relationship with my mother  and i understand   why she did  what she did  it no longer eats away at me i have moved on just wanted to clear tha up  

_____________________________

DEBBIE
Messenger Of Truth
Let the words of my mouth and meditations of my heart,
be acceptable in thy sight O Lord my strength and redeemer
Psalms 19:14

Those with a closed mind live a sheltered life.

(in reply to Sinergy)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Of a serious nature - the ghosts of abuse - 9/25/2006 11:44:19 PM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sinergy
"Never consider evil intention what ignorance can explain"


What a great quote.

First, thanks all of you who posted to this thread.  I realized when I wrote it that replying to it might cause some to feel they were exposing too much.  But I thought it would make for some interesting dialogue, and maybe some would feel they were not alone (myself included) in some of the unwanted struggles we have been burdened with working through.

I appreciate each response.

Sinergy that quote really does hit home for me.  It is interesting, now that my Dad has died and I'm spending countless hours helping my mother - the woman who made our household a living hell.  I see her so differently now.  She is such a scared person who really does not understand the world outside her own mind.  She is a case of undiagnosed bipolar if I have ever seen one (I say that with all seriousness) and extremely anxiety ridden.  I watch her go over the edge over the simplest of things and think, This woman raised five children.  It is no wonder we are all overwrought with issues!

In my case, because love was so conditional, and removed at the whim of her mood, it becomes difficult for me to trust another's love and/or care.  Over two years into my slavery with my Master and I will occasionally wake up with a thought that it's all a lie.  Usually I can work through it rather quickly on my own.  Othertimes well, not so quickly.  I continue to work on myself.

Again, thanks for the replies.  They are valuable.

Master Fire, the link you posted did not work.  But I did take value in the quote you wrote from it.  Thank you for that.

(in reply to Sinergy)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Of a serious nature - the ghosts of abuse - 9/26/2006 4:16:08 AM   
WhipTheHip


Posts: 1004
Joined: 7/31/2006
Status: offline 		The quote goes: "Never attribute to malice that which is adquately explained by  stupidity [or ignorance]"
The author of the quote was Albert Einstein. 

_____________________________



(in reply to ownedgirlie)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Of a serious nature - the ghosts of abuse - 9/26/2006 4:23:55 AM   
WhipTheHip


Posts: 1004
Joined: 7/31/2006
Status: offline 		The cockroach is the world's greatest survvior., butterflies only live for
seven days.. But I would rather be a butterfly than a cockroach.  I would
rather live a short life making people happy and brightening  the world,
then live a long, selfish life dedicated to persuing my own self-gratification,
and just taking care of my own needs.


_____________________________



(in reply to ownedgirlie)
Profile   Post #: 35
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