RE: Self discipline and respect. (Full Version)

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thetammyjo -> RE: Self discipline and respect. (9/19/2006 8:01:55 AM)

I think the key to earning and maintaining respect is consistancy and sincerity.

I get a bit upset when folks in the "scene" complain about weight or body shape -- that seems so vanilla and mundane to me.

The only time I think it should be an issue between a couple is when either it is really a healthy issue (I believe I am overweight but guess what, no health issues here, every year I get a physical and I'm told I'm in good health) OR its a matter of hypocrisy (both partners are over or under weight but only one is expected to be 'working on it').

I think this applies to other areas. A person who can't be financial responsible has no business expecting someone else to be finanically responsible. Someone who drinks or smokes or does drugs is hardly in a position to demand their partner stop doing those things while they continue on their merry way.

So if a dominant wants respect she had best be consistant and realistic in my opinion.



raiken -> RE: Self discipline and respect. (9/19/2006 8:19:42 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

I have always said "The day I stop learning and growing, is the day I am dead".



Indeed!  Now that is my thought exactly, and i say it all of the time.

When i am inspired by another to want to better myself, that is what respect feels like for me.  That in turn, is when i feel the MOST inspired to pay it forward and give it to others.  There are many folks that have taught me over the course of my life, what respect looks like, feels like and behaves like.  There are equally as many that taught me what it doesn't, shouldn't or mustn't resemble.  i make no preference as to what type of personality one has, but rather what one brings out in me and in others around them.  Objectively and initially, i give respect to all folks, for at that point i have no reason to withhold it, for i respect myself so it is just a given that it flows from me to others.  It is the individuals themselves, by their own disrespectful actions and nature, that forfeit my respect.  i respect many here on the forums for their words of wisdom and insight.  All of you know who you are, those of you who respect yourselves, well, it shows in all of your thoughts and expressions, it is not easy to miss.  LaTigresse, You are one of those. *smile



ownedgirlie -> RE: Self discipline and respect. (9/19/2006 8:32:37 AM)

Great thread, LaTigresse.

I have always contended that one can behave respectfully, even toward others whom he/she does not respect.  I try to always practice this, although being a fallible human being, I fail at times.  I seem to notice more when I fail, however.

Like what some others have said, I observe the behavior of all, not just of the dominant.  If I were seeking a Master, however, you can bet that all that squabbling would turn my head in the opposite direction.  That would be just as well though, as he would likely not want a submissive who did not appreciate his squabbling :)





LadyHugs -> RE: Self discipline and respect. (9/19/2006 9:37:56 AM)

Dear LaTigresse, Ladies and Gentlemen;
 
Good topic dear lady.
 
As for your questions, I have a few thoughts on such and will share my observations and comments.
 
I really don't expect people to accept me as I am, in part to the way the 'community et.al.' behaves now days.  I also came up in a time, where you had to be in a submissive role for a solid year or more, without SWITCHING roles back and forth.  Accepting oneself happened in my slave days and reaffirmed in the phase into mastery.  If one cannot accept themselves first, they cannot expect others to accept them, as such people who always tries to please others, as to be accepted are 'wishy-washy.'  There is no consistancy there at all.  Without consistancy, there cannot be a solid reputation or respect.
Consistancy comes from self-discipline.  So, all are important elements.  But, in accepting the fact that you (in general terms) will never please everybody all the time, you shed the bondage of peer pressure.  Yet, when such demeanor is respectful, kind and thoughtful, there will be little fault for such.  It warms my soul to see when people can disagree without being disagreeable.  This promotes opening up a different way to see things independent of one's self.
 
I know as a dominant, by default due to the role of authority, that the community holds dominants to a different standard.  I do not mind being held to a different standard, if there was a consistancy in the community as to what is tolerated and what is not.  With current community standards where almost anything goes, standards are too broad and open into assumptions.  At least when I came through, there were standards and protocols, as to at least have an agreeable code of conduct and less havoc in trying to not step on everybody's individual protocols 'toes' per se.  I like to make it as the current state of things as a demolition derby rather than a honest race with rules.
 
When I do watch others exchange on the forum, I do tend to pay attention and savor the words written with great thought, by those who are kind, considerate, respectful and put thought into what they pose as far as topics and or responses.  My respect is diminished by those who should know better, that exhibit distasteful attitudes, behaviors and negative words.  I tend to go back to my youth, and the old saying; "If you cannot say anything nice, don't say it at all."
And, there are ways to disagree--in a nice way.
 
As far as seeking slaves/submissives, if I like to consider those who have exhibited responsibility and or those who seek to be saved from themselves, I would have to say that I wish someone with responsible traits.  At times though, some people need to be taught how to become their own 'White Knight."   It may be as a brief rescuer but, not enable the person, as to become a leach or dependant on me always.  I want to empower slaves/submissives--not be their Mummy.
 
Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs



amayos -> RE: Self discipline and respect. (9/19/2006 10:37:06 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

If I want a submissive/slave to respect me then I should behave in a manner that garners that respect. A huge, I mean BIG, part of that is self discipline on my part. I mean, if I am to expect someone to accept me in a dominant/leadership/teaching...etc etc position in their life, expecting them to accept discipline and guidance from me, shouldn't I be my own best example?



Respect is often gained through responsibility, authenticity, reason and consistency of character—regardless of the moral agreeability of that character. Since many disdain these qualities, many fail in earning respect. In my experience, respect is often invisible to and lost upon those who do not have an understanding of it themselves. Those who chase ever-shifting banners, who flee accountability or view everything as a joke are the authors of their own image. In my travels I have found the best way to fulfill respect is to contain it.



raiken -> RE: Self discipline and respect. (9/19/2006 11:28:20 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: amayos

I have found the best way to fulfill respect is to contain it.



Well said.



marieToo -> RE: Self discipline and respect. (9/19/2006 12:01:49 PM)

General reply:

I think respect is sort of a world view that we either have or do not have.  Respect, to me, isnt about whether or not someone becomes heated or mouthy in a touchy discussion.  Its not about how you address someone...Its not about being demure or necessarily polite in all situations.  

Its about how you see yourself first and foremost.  Its about holding the door for a woman with a baby in her arms,  because you cant imagine walking past her without doing that. Its about looking the busboy in the eyes and saying thank you when he takes away your dirty dishes, because you'd feel like an ungrateful slob if you didnt.  To me, its all about how you treat people that you'll never benefit from.  If you dont have self respect you blow through life like a bull in a china shop thinking only about number one and not caring about what you break and crash on your way through, as long as you get what you want.   If you respect yourself, you cant help but give care to others ....it just is what it is. 



raiken -> RE: Self discipline and respect. (9/19/2006 12:10:25 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: marieToo

General reply:

I think respect is sort of a world view that we either have or do not have.  Respect, to me, isnt about whether or not someone becomes heated or mouthy in a touchy discussion.  Its not about how you address someone...Its not about being demure or necessarily polite in all situations.  

Its about how you see yourself first and foremost.  Its about holding the door for a woman with a baby in her arms,  because you cant imagine walking past her without doing that. Its about looking the busboy in the eyes and saying thank you when he takes away your dirty dishes, because you'd feel like an ungrateful slob if you didnt.  To me, its all about how you treat people that you'll never benefit from.  If you dont have self respect you blow through life like a bull in a china shop thinking only about number one and not caring about what you break and crash on your way through, as long as you get what you want.   If you respect yourself, you cant help but give care to others ....it just is what it is. 



i believe that respect is an attitude, and i liked your descriptions.  If you have it, it will flow from you all on its own, as it is a part of who you are at the core.  It stays apart of you, for what you give out, like a boomerang, it always comes back, so the tank of respect for "self" and others is always full.  Law of attraction, can't say it enough. *grin



Amaros -> RE: Self discipline and respect. (9/19/2006 3:53:23 PM)

Funny thing to think about in terms of BDSM, talking about respect in the context of someone hanging from the ceiling being beaten with a whip while verbally abusing them, lol, but yeah, it does work both ways for most people I suspect - if a woman I'm trying to talk into something really nasty says "but you won't respect me anymore", I have to say, "Yes, I will: the question is, will you respect me?", heh.

Personally, I was raised to be polite, and generally try to stay in the habit. Though I occasionally hurt peoples feeling by accident, saying things before I've thought them through, I derive no particular enjoyment from the genuine pain of the innocent. Partly, it's a practical matter of not getting on peoples nerves, particularly those with whom you share quarters - and notwithstanding there are those who will try to take advantage of it, whom you have to set straight.

But in short, I offer respect until you prove to me that you don't deserve it - and that has nothing to do with your sexual proclivities, but how you much respect you show others, including myself.

Second, to reiterate something MarieToo said above, it isn't always about being polite, to me, it's more about taking people seriously, listening to what they say, and if you are going to argue the point, do it in good faith.

I have met very few people who didn't have anything to teach me, though not always what they intended - and maybe a few that only taught me what unrepentant assholes they could be. Of course, then, I may feel obligated to teach them the same if it happens to be a matter of convenience to me.

Neither am I "down" with the passive-aggressive thing of demanding respect - or else - meanwhile acting the fool and generally showing your ass yourself, something that happens frequently on internet boards of course.

An insult to ones intelligence as an adult human being with functioning senses: eyes, ears, and nose, will, and volition, is still an insult, in my book, a lack of respect whether it's explicitly personal or not, and I may or may not get testy in those cases, depending - although lately I've been avoiding it as it's more often than not, a passive-aggressive snare.

Finally, fear, mimicking respect isn't quite the same thing, and what you will get then is usually diplomacy: i.e., the art of saying "nice doggy", while looking for a big stick.



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