Single Doms as Mentors

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mistoferin -> Single Doms as Mentors (8/28/2006 7:03:27 AM)
Perusing profiles I see many single (mostly male) Doms offering "mentoring". If you are looking for a mentor, why would you choose a single person? Wouldn't that be kind of like going to a priest for marriage counseling? It seems to me that if I were looking for a mentor, I would want it to be someone who is in a working and successful relationship. At least that way I would know that they had some kind of understanding of how to apply their "knowledge" in a real life manner. I personally don't agree with having a "mentor" in that I believe that it confines oneself to a single viewpoint. I believe that people should use all who they come in contact with as mentors if you will...take what you can use and throw away the rest. Having a few good close acquaintances that you can bounce things off of adds balance also.

twicehappy -> RE: Single Doms as Mentors (8/28/2006 7:17:35 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: mistoferin Perusing profiles I see many single (mostly male) Doms offering "mentoring". If you are looking for a mentor, why would you choose a single person? Wouldn't that be kind of like going to a priest for marriage counseling? And yet if you are a good Catholic that is exactly where you would go, lol. I am with you one this one. I would rather seek advice from a few trusted acquaintances who i knew to be well experienced with real time relationships.

MzTlaz -> RE: Single Doms as Mentors (8/28/2006 7:17:49 AM)
I think mentors can be a good thing but the trick is not to take what they say as gospel. As for single male Doms as mentors...well, I do know a few who do this and from my observations it seems that they do it for the power rush...with female subs anyway. I think this happens a lot online, it may be easier to have someone sign up for 'mentorship' than to have them submit but from what I've witnessed it's all about control and power. I can't say I've had mentors in the classic sense, I watch people, see how they handle themselves and if they impress me I talk to them and learn from them.

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Single Doms as Mentors (8/28/2006 7:35:33 AM)
I agree. It would be a very rare single dom who would be interested and useful for mentoring to a single sub. But then the odds aren't that good when they aren't single either- then they can go for threesomes and the golden fleece of bdsm- POLY! I think people advertising themselves as mentors, or who conveniently pop the term up with a newbie are definitely the ones to be avoided.

porcelaine -> RE: Single Doms as Mentors (8/28/2006 7:37:46 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: mistoferin Perusing profiles I see many single (mostly male) Doms offering "mentoring". If you are looking for a mentor, why would you choose a single person? Wouldn't that be kind of like going to a priest for marriage counseling? It seems to me that if I were looking for a mentor, I would want it to be someone who is in a working and successful relationship. At least that way I would know that they had some kind of understanding of how to apply their "knowledge" in a real life manner. I could be optimistic and suggest they are offering their services to sincere seekers and trying to be of assistance. However, as we know it is more probable that most are merely providing their own brand of mentorship to the unsuspecting applicant. I think it can be a good thing in general, but the lines between the two need to be clearly defined. The availability factor could prove to be a problem in the long run, especially if both parties are looking or happen to connect. A random occurrence I'm certain. g porcelaine

popeye1250 -> RE: Single Doms as Mentors (8/28/2006 7:38:59 AM)
Or, they're just trying to get laid.

Aubre -> RE: Single Doms as Mentors (8/28/2006 7:39:48 AM)
Maybe what they are saying is they are really into the 80s punk band called The Mentors.

Homestead -> RE: Single Doms as Mentors (8/28/2006 7:43:04 AM)
I just talk with people who interest me. I'm interested in the learning going both ways. Why not just be honest? In my world, a mentor has to keep a certain distance out of ethical concerns. One that I may not want to have to keep. It's hard not to get attached to someone you find merit in.

Bearlee -> RE: Single Doms as Mentors (8/28/2006 7:46:08 AM)
I would say mentoring is only as good as the one giving it. If the Dominant is single, has integrity and is serious about mentoring...it's all good. If the Dominant is single and a player...the submissive will be taken for a ride. Mentors don't have sex with those they mentor...and 'play' is educational in nature, if they play at all. Merriam-Webster online says a mentor is: a trusted counselor or guide: Tutor, Coach Trust is a big deal. Married guys who are messing around are hardly trustworthy. Nor are men who encourage those they mentor to lean to hard on them; including falling in love. Your 'mentor' should be encouraging you to meet people...Doms and submissives and to stay away from players. Just my thoughts, beverly

NastyDaddy -> RE: Single Doms as Mentors (8/28/2006 8:25:22 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: mistoferin I personally don't agree with having a "mentor" in that I believe that it confines oneself to a single viewpoint. Very similar to reading a book and being confined to a single author's viewpoint. By application of this logic, are people to read say one book with the left hand... and in order to preserve objectivity... simultaneously read another book by a different author with the right hand? Most certainly no one should NEVER read a book written by a single unattached author... their ulterior motives are so blatantly obvious, and their intent is so sinisterly flagrant... their books and their purpose are just far too obvious... Mentorphobia is upon us.... do not be seduced by a swinging dick single Dom mentor, there's one lurking behind every tree! Which is the more illogical and paranoid mentorphobia, diagnosing the perceived illness or administering the perceived cure?

thetammyjo -> RE: Single Doms as Mentors (8/28/2006 8:28:53 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: mistoferin Perusing profiles I see many single (mostly male) Doms offering "mentoring". If you are looking for a mentor, why would you choose a single person? Wouldn't that be kind of like going to a priest for marriage counseling? It seems to me that if I were looking for a mentor, I would want it to be someone who is in a working and successful relationship. At least that way I would know that they had some kind of understanding of how to apply their "knowledge" in a real life manner. I personally don't agree with having a "mentor" in that I believe that it confines oneself to a single viewpoint. I believe that people should use all who they come in contact with as mentors if you will...take what you can use and throw away the rest. Having a few good close acquaintances that you can bounce things off of adds balance also. I think it depends on why they are currently single. Someone who had a successful BDSM relationship(s) which ended positively or because life happens (the partner died, had to take another job elsewhere, etc) could have a lot of good experiences and bad experiences to share. Why would one have only one mentor? Know of the people who mentored me ever asked me to limit myself to them. I certainly do not ask those I've mentored to limit themselves to me. I personally think that would be the sign of a foolish and arrogant person, not a good mentor.

liljoy -> RE: Single Doms as Mentors (8/28/2006 8:41:25 AM)
i've always thought Dom should mentor Dom and sub should mentor sub

bandit25 -> RE: Single Doms as Mentors (8/28/2006 8:46:13 AM)
Yeah, I don't know about the whole "mentoring" thing. I guess it can be a good idea, but I see a lot of potential for abuse.

Owned1 -> RE: Single Doms as Mentors (8/28/2006 2:54:27 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: liljoy i've always thought Dom should mentor Dom and sub should mentor sub I personally think this is the best way as well. There are then like minds, from the same perspective. As well there is no room for taking advantage of the other. Owned

raiken -> RE: Single Doms as Mentors (8/28/2006 3:08:32 PM)
i think that both doms and subs can mentor each other interchangeably, and that it largely depends on the nature of the connection, trust and friendship shared. i have seen it work from both sides. i have also seen it fail and become a huge mess from both sides, that is why i say it depends on the unique connection. i believe that if a mentor is in a relationship with another, and not poly oriented, it may lead to complications on both sides. i also know that if a dom is single, but has some solid life experience under his belt and also the freedom to train, it can be a win win situation. i would be leary of single doms, more so, the inexperienced doms wanting to mentor single subs. There are too many scenarios that can go awry. However as in anything, it is about takng a risk, i just hope the risk takers choose wisely.

LeatherLord2003 -> RE: Single Doms as Mentors (8/28/2006 3:25:47 PM)
I have Mentored both Dom and submissive. But in my doing so, I always add the disclaimer, this is just my opinion, do with it as you will. This lifestyle is vast and around each corner is something that can sway your mind in any given direction. What works for one does not work for everyone... I myself pride myself in not fitting the mold, letting my Dominance sneak up on you while you arent looking. Not much into beating my chest to proclaim myself. I do find however that most male ego's limit their ability to listen to what another has to say. For a Dominant man to hear what I have to say, most often I have to make it seem like he thought of it himself. Not sure why that is, but I find it to be true. And I only offer to those that ask, as I force my opinions on no one... kind of like religion...and politics....

ThatLilBrat -> RE: Single Doms as Mentors (8/28/2006 3:36:39 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: mistoferin I personally don't agree with having a "mentor" in that I believe that it confines oneself to a single viewpoint. Please forgive if this sounds like I'm tooting my own horn. The purpose of this post is to let others know that there are female mentor/support groups I'm a mentor. I chose to have a seperate nickname for that purpose only. My first priority is 'safety' and provide safe calls. (FYI - also provide the phone number of the local police, driver's license number, make and model of the car and license plate to your safecaller..) quote: portion of my "LadyDollz" profile http://www.collarme.com/bdsm/v/93729/rzuf/35643/details.htm The lifestyle is very individualized. It is not my intent to 'teach' my personal view of what a submissive should be. I will be presenting a wide range of study material and references. Each sub/slave is encouraged to accept what feels comfortable and applies to their personal situation. http://www.collarme.com/bdsm/v/93729/rzuf/35643/details.htm

Tamerofwild1s -> RE: Single Doms as Mentors (8/28/2006 3:38:14 PM)
*steps in as Father Tamer* I personally don't see the problem with single Doms as mentors as long as thier intentions are true .. as a mentor I can teach someone all aspects of the lifestyle I know .. if they use but 5 of those things then I feel I helped them along their journey. when I mentor someone I get the respect of being a Dom without the fringe benefits of a collar.

denverdomm -> RE: Single Doms as Mentors (8/28/2006 3:46:27 PM)
Well it is not a bad idea to have a mentor when one is introduced into bdsm. My slave had a fantastic one in the chicago area years ago. In regards to whether they are single doing whatever, you are an adult, do what feels right. Most metors will negotiate an agreement. I know it is popular these last 5 years especially, with the internet growth to be all concerned about others and see them as victims. Well, grow up do it if you want,otherwise dont. If legal laws are broken have folks charged or arrested. But be responsible for yourself whether single, new,old, responsible or irresponsible.

Sinergy -> RE: Single Doms as Mentors (8/28/2006 3:58:59 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross But then the odds aren't that good when they aren't single either- then they can go for threesomes and the golden fleece of bdsm- POLY! Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt... I derive enough enjoyment out of one person, there is an aspect of having moresomes which to me is such gilding of the lily. I am serially monogamous. The problem I have with a single Dom(me) offering to mentor somebody is that the power relationship is all skewed. What I would worry about happening is the same sort of dynamic you find in teachers that mess with their students, psychiatrists who mess with their patients, clergy who mess with their congregation, etc. The ethical issue in any of those makes me feel a bit ill. In other words, there is an extant power relationship between the two people, which to me means that true consent (for one to become submissive to the other) is not possible. I have mentored two people into this lifestyle in the past. One when I was single, and the other when I had a submissive. In neither case did I cross the line from mentor/mentee to Dom/sub or engage in anything sexual and/or bdsm with the person I was mentoring. The sad part (for me) of this was that in one case she begged me to take her on and I refused for the reasons I have just stated. But this is just me and I could be wrong. Sinergy

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