prettichinadoll
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Joined: 12/16/2005
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I've heard many people said to me that Asian female are naturally submissive. I took it quite offensively at the first. As I see it, we are not necessarily naturally submissive, but rather, our manners are much more strict and rigid. A lot of manners, which are daily norm for a Chinese woman, would be considered as rituals in western eyes. I described the environment I grew up, and the expected manner as a daughter, he was quite surprised and said "it looks to me that you grow up in a high protocol environment". This comment inspired me that it would be quite interesting if I could take a look at the Chinese family structure and culture from a BDSM point of view.
Please understand that my discussion doesn't involve sex. I'm interested in BDSM with the perspective of power exchange. Looking at the Chinese family structure from such perspective doesn't mean that I believe Chinese are all kinky people. When I use the word dominate and submissive to describe a power structure between mother and son, doesn't mean they will have sexual relationship too. As many Chinese girl, sex doesn't exist in my family. We don't talk about, and we pretend we don't have it either. This essay is NOT about sex. I hope I make myself clear.
In a traditional Chinese family, there are different rankings which are almost as rigid as military rankings. The family leader is very much like a Master in a D/s relationship. The person would normally be a male. (In certain occasion, of which we will discuss in the later part of this essay, an elder female would be the family leader). The Master of the family is responsible to support the family financially. He makes all the decision, and his words are final. Everything happened in this family will report to him, and he has to approve all the changes from dishes for dinner to new piece of furniture. If the dinner is not what he's in mind, he has every right to ask his wife (or the female who cook for that night) to redo it.
Under this "Master of the family" would be his eldest adult son. He only submits to his father. When the father is not at home, he'll be the one who make and approves all the decisions.
Then there comes the mistress of the family—wife of the Master/father. She normally submits only to her husband, only when her husband is not present, she would submit to her eldest adult son. Under such circumstances, her opinion weights much more to her son compare to her husband. However, her eldest son still makes the final decision.
The mistress of the family dominates all the females of the family when males are not at present. In some situation, she acts as what we normally call an "alpha" slave. She would assign different people with various domestic chores. She would be responsible for domestic spends. Normally, Master of the house won't interfere with her responsibilities, unless something he sees as very wrong, and he has to step into her zone of authority.
The daughters of the family and wives of the adult sons are normally the lowest of the food chain. (In most traditional Chinese family, wives of adult sons are considered a part of the family.) They submit to everyone. For the daughters, they have to obey their father (the Master of the house), they're, in many aspect, considered as properties. During the old time, it was completely legal for the father to punish his daughters in any way he see fit, even death. As for the wives of the adult sons, they have to obey the Master of the house, then their husband, then their mother in law.
In a traditional Chinese family, daughters live with their parents until they get married. They would be the property of their father, until they become the property of their husband. Before the year 1949, most of the marriages are arranged marriage. These girls were more or less sold in various fashions.
Polygamy was very common and encouraged in ancient China. The small wives (as we call them in China) and the original wife would be a perfect picture of a D/s house hold with a Master, an alpha slave, and many other lesser slaves. Under rare circumstances other than the death of the original wife, should a "small wife" replace her and gain her power as the alpha slave. However, if the original wife doesn't have a son, or a small wife has a son before the original wife, she would have much power through her son, who is the eldest.
In many cases, the elder female would become the Mistress of the family. A very strong female normally takes power after the death of her husband. This power structure is very much accepted by the society if her eldest son doesn't show a strong dominate personality. Her sons would submit to her, and give her the rights to make all the decisions. She will continue to be the Mistress of the house until she's dead and her eldest son normally takes over.
Modern Chinese family inherits many features from its historical root, despite the effort of communist party who virtually broke the Chinese old value through the 10 years of culture revolution. The modern family structure keeps the old "Master of the house" dynamic. However it becomes much smaller compare to the old Chinese family, where many generations live under one roof.
The modern family as I see it would start in the year 1980 (around the time I was born). It was during that time period the communist party started to reinforce the policy of "one family one child" in order to control the population. The family becomes two working parents, and one child. The Power dynamic is very simple: father is the Master of the house, if the child is a boy, he would be the second on the power chain, then would be the wife/mother; if the child is a daughter, her mother would act as the alpha slave, and the daughter submit to everyone.
What I would like to emphasize on is the manner expected from the wife and daughter of the family. They are expected in every way to be the submissive of the Master of the family.
I was brought up by my grandmother, who was a very well educated lady from a wealthy traditional family. My father, who is an extremely dominate person, came to see me every weekend due to his busy schedule with work. He normally come to visit on Sundays. He'll first make a call to us and announce the proximate time of his arrival. My grandma will start prepare for the lunch, she'll ask for his approval for the dishes, unless he'll tell her: "do as you see fit". When my dad arrives, my grandma and I will come to the door to welcome him. I will take his suitcase or whatever he has in his hand. He comes into the living room, sits in the chair facing the door. I"ll prepare tea for him and bring him snacks. Normally my dad will talk to my grandma. I will be quiet unless someone talk to me (very high protocol). During that time when my dad is talking to my grandma, I'm supposed to focus on my dad. I'll be responsible for adding water to his tea, bring him napkins if he's eating the snack.
Eventually, my grandma will go to get lunch ready, I would either go help her or stay with my dad if he needs to talk to me. At the dinner table, the general rule is no one would sit down by the table if the host or Master of the house doesn't sit down. No one would start eating if Master doesn't start eating. However, if he sits down and he starts to eat, it would be consider extremely rude if one seat is still empty. If the dish is far away from me, I can not stand up and reach for it. However, Master of the house has the rights to ask for the dishes to be brought to him. I would have to eat whatever is in front of me and with in my reach. Master of the house will occasionally ask other people to enjoy a certain dish. At this point, if the dish is far away from me, others will bring it to me, or I'm allowed to stand up and reach for it. If I'm not talked to, I normally expected to be quiet. However, I'm allowed to talk to people next to me, without drawing any attention to me.
As a daughter of the Chinese family, the most important thing is "do not draw any attention to yourself". Asking or show off for attention is considered to be extremely rude and reflects poor manner. It would embarrass the Master of the house hold, in my case, my father. Even today, when I go have dinner with my dad and his guests, I normally sit right next to him; I'll discuss dishes he would order with him if he asked for my opinion. I would silently remind him about certain facts of his guests; I would remind him about the time, about certain things he would like to address…Other than that, I still keep quiet if no one talk to me. I will focus on his needs, his tea, the food he normally enjoy, if he needs fresh napkins, if he need to change his plate. Because he needs to focus on his discussion and his guests, it's my responsibility to focus on him…Formal dinners are very exhausting, and I try to avoid those occasions.
When talking to elders, especially the Master of the house, I would never talk in terms. Even if I'm tired or frustrated, I will always speak to him with a pleasant and obedient tone. Hold in emotions is also part of the requirement. I was not allowed to cry under any circumstances. Crying in public is very embarrassing. It falls into the criteria of "drawing attention to yourself". A proper lady should always calm, pleasant and drama free.
The idea here is very similar to D/s requirement to a submissive. You should never consider yourself as the most important. It is your Master whom you should put first and always. A Chinese female is required to put her father, later her husband first in her life. She should always focus on his need, obey his orders, and make him happy. The "do not draw any attention to yourself" concept is almost in a Old Guard fashion. Yet many Chinese ladies still trained with it, and are training their daughters with the same concept.
Punishment for misbehavior or disobedience varies in different families, and acceptable punishments get less severe over the years. Once it's normal to put a daughter to death as punishment is consider illegal now. However, physical punishment is still acceptable as a part of education. Chinese culture encourage physical punishment, we even have the saying "beating would make a decent child". For girls, most of the punishment would be kneeling in the corner and spanking. When I was a child, my grandma used to have a two feet long bamboo ruler. She used to spank my hand with it until I start to play piano. Then it would be my arm, hurts even more than my palm. Other girls from my class also got various spanking as normal punishment for unpleasant grade, or coming home too late. Mother would mostly be the one who carried out those punishments. It would be like asking the alpha slave to carry out the discipline of the beta slave.
Master once told me about this advance technique of a slave—"see through a wall". A slave is in service of her Master, she would pull coffee for her Master and leave him and go to another room where she can not see her Master or his coffee cup. However because the slave is completely focusing on her Master, and she knows how fast her Master would finish that cup of coffee, she would come in and add more coffee for her Master at the right time, as if she can see through the wall.
I don't know about myself, but I've seen many ladies in my family who could easily make it happen. If you meet a Chinese lady, especially those who were born in China (compare to those who are born in the United States), you might expect to see some strong submissive tendencies. When I look back on the way I was brought up, it would considered as high protocol. We have a certain, almost rigid "proper" way for every thing.
But does that means that population wise, traditional Chinese women are more to the submissive side? I don't think so. Master believes that 80% of the population is submissives. It just so happen that Chinese culture encourages female to be submissive, to be obedient to her "Master". Female submissive nature in western culture might be repressed due to feminism movement; while female submissive nature is encouraged in Chinese culture. As a result, Chinese girls show more submissive character compare to western girls.
However, BDSM as I see it should be consensual. A submissive should be aware of her submissive nature; her submission should not come from habit or culture, but rather her own choice. She needs to realize her inner desire for control and dominate. She should draw great pleasure simply from serving her Master. A willing and selfless heart is what makes a submissive truly what she is, and that's what makes her gift of service priceless.
PS:
Master, it's been some time since I wrote something. I can't tell you how excited I am that I have the drive to write and draw and paint again. I have my energy and creativity back. I often compare our creative people to pearl oysters, sadly enough, we need to hurt ourselves to create something as beautiful as pearl. I have been hurting for so long and hopefully whatever come out of it would eventually prove to be worth the pain and effort.
Sincerely yours
F.
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