RE: Players vs. Owners (Full Version)

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Bearlee -> RE: Players vs. Owners (8/24/2006 2:00:53 PM)

 
Fantasy realm? 
 
Not me.  Perhaps I wasn't clear.  I don't 'meet to play'.  I know some do...I don't.  I do, however, play with friends.  And after meeting a few times I might 'play' with a new friend in the process of getting to know him better.  This 'play' is likely at a club or friend's home with others around; it's Lite play. 
 
I think relationships have to start somewhere...and grow.  If someone seems interesting to me, I let that happen.  I like to spend time together talking, checking our restaurants, hiking...playing.  Is that scening?  I dunno; I sort of use the words interchangeably.  I was just trying to suggest, it's possible to 'be a player'...and yet still be selectively looking for someone with whom to have a LTR.  No?
 
beverly



Viper001 -> RE: Players vs. Owners (8/24/2006 2:03:58 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: mstrjx

<snip>
When you enter into a 'relationship', what is your expectation going in?

I think it's fair, if a person wants a LTR or more situation to consider whether getting together with someone for 'play' or to 'scene' a value to their time. I say this because I know that, to give an example, the way that I play creates the potential for an emotional bond rather quickly. For myself, I would much prefer a relationship than a series of play partners. So I, responsibly, evaluate my opportunities as ones which are likely to grow vs. ones that are not.

I would think everyone would have (or give) the same consideration. But then, we do live in the fantasy realm, don't we?


Can't disagree with anything you've said. Stated this way, the OP makes more sense (to me). Thanks for the clarification.
Fantasy realm or not, what we do has an impact on other's lives. [:D]

Respectfully,
RFJM



mstrjx -> RE: Players vs. Owners (8/24/2006 3:07:46 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: mstrjx

So I, responsibly, evaluate my opportunities as ones which are likely to grow vs. ones that are not.

I would think everyone would have (or give) the same consideration.  But then, we do live in the fantasy realm, don't we?

Jeff


Let me bash myself.  I threw in a tongue-in-cheek remark into an otherwise serious post, and sometimes that gets lost in the translation.

What I'm referring to in the phrase 'fantasy realm' is in that last remark.  That we treat each other with the respect that is deserved.  That we don't mislead people with our intentions, or promise them the world with not only no hope but no intent on delivering, or lie about our partnership status, or use people just to 'get a little' then drop them.

The fantasy is believing that none of this happens to those around us, or sometimes ourselves.

Jeff




Bearlee -> RE: Players vs. Owners (8/24/2006 3:10:43 PM)

 
<smiles>  Thank you Sir... makes more sense now! 
 
beverly

Edited to add:

Isn't it a shame though...that this DOES happen?  I've mentioned the Dom I hooked up with last year; not knowing he was married.  I see on TV, stories about people with several wives.  Last week I met a charming guy here...only to have him dissappear as soon as we made a date.  <shrugs>  THAT would be why I go slow, huh?  I go slow, I kick tires; I take my time.  I don't know why people DO that stuff...what on earth they get out of it.  So, while I understand you were being a bit cheeky (forgive me...Sir, LOL), I contend it's possible to live with honor and integrity towards others and just step around the rest.



Vancouver_cinful -> RE: Players vs. Owners (8/24/2006 4:30:38 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: justanotheclaire

shit happens lol
my addvice nowadays is beware married men who promise the world, it is not theres to give


My advice is to beware married men. Period. Life is too short to spend it only getting a fraction of what you need, want and deserve.



Vancouver_cinful -> RE: Players vs. Owners (8/24/2006 4:50:39 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Viper001


Several months down the road, this is no longer enough interaction for the submissive. She now wants more PE during her/our daily lives.
My own expectations/understanding had not changed. Her's had. Am I then a "player", in the negative connotation, for standing by the terms of the original negotiation?



I think this is the nature of human beings. We are not always clear on what we want, and we are often given to fooling ourselves. Something that sounds tasty today, may not please our palate after a steady diet of it.

Things happen, circumstances change, feelings grow unexpectantly. It's something you can try to keep a handle on through clear, open, honest, communications, but can not always predict.

Sometimes in human interaction, damage control is the best you can do.



fyreredsub -> RE: Players vs. Owners (8/24/2006 5:03:18 PM)

sing it[;)]
there is nothing more true
except death and taxes

quote:

ORIGINAL: justanotheclaire

shit happens lol
my addvice nowadays is beware married men who promise the world, it is not theres to give



TemptingNviceSub -> RE: Players vs. Owners (8/24/2006 8:37:09 PM)

IMO..as Mstrjx stated I think that ownership develops as the relationship develops..As in any life you begin and see where life leads you..it could become closer and more initimate....or the differences become greater and eyes become more wide open and it ends..so I say Yes a player can become an owner if he finds the one that engenders the want to be an owner....Tempting



sapphirepleasure -> RE: Players vs. Owners (8/25/2006 6:07:58 AM)

Thanks to everyone for the insightful responses!

I agree with those who say that ownership develops over time, and I'm not going to be so quick to classify someone as owner or player (or pose that question to a new play partner again--"Are you a player or an owner?" and the conversation that ensued left both of us feeling rather out there, perhaps much like asking a vanilla, "Are you the marrying kind?" after a few dates!)  Eventually, over time, it becomes clear whether the play partners have potential to be more than that, as long as both are 'free' (no more married men for me, either--bad karma!) and honest about who they are and what they seek.



Homestead -> RE: Players vs. Owners (8/25/2006 8:33:08 AM)

I generally think of ownership as entailing a meshing that is quite pervasive in all levels of life-not just bdsm stuff. But I will flat out resist thinking of commitment to someone else until I see how well we will work together. So pretty much anything initially is going to be 'friends with bennies". I've had past girlfriends with a lot of hidden mental issues-so I am pretty gunshy of any making of promises now.

Ans THE worst ones always insisted on me making an immediate decision to commit. Looking back now, I realize that it was a fear issue with them. You have to be around someone for about 6 months on a day to day basis to really see them phase through all aspects of a personality.

And there is no way I am going to make the decison to "own" another without knowing them at least at superficial levels.



Donnalee -> RE: Players vs. Owners (8/27/2006 8:15:31 PM)

This is a great thread....I'm getting a lot out of it.

I wonder if some of the confusion comes out of those of us who are new and don't always know what we're saying or agreeing to or what they're saying and what it might really mean....and on top of all that, things can change so quickly as you explore and begin to define what you really want.

I recently encountered a fellow who defined himself as a Master wanting a slave, but had no desire for any D/s interaction, and was really mostly interested in exploring sadism with no strings attached.    I figure there is bound to be a train wreck at some point on that track, but he was as sincere as could be.

It's a hard thing to know yourself and be able to communicate it properly to others, especially at times of rapid growth....makes me think of Mstrjx's tagline:  Know thyself. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself.    Especially when it involves other people.



Viper001 -> RE: Players vs. Owners (8/28/2006 9:00:39 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Vancouver_cinful

quote:

ORIGINAL: Viper001


Several months down the road, this is no longer enough interaction for the submissive. She now wants more PE during her/our daily lives.
My own expectations/understanding had not changed. Her's had. Am I then a "player", in the negative connotation, for standing by the terms of the original negotiation?



I think this is the nature of human beings. We are not always clear on what we want, and we are often given to fooling ourselves. Something that sounds tasty today, may not please our palate after a steady diet of it.

Things happen, circumstances change, feelings grow unexpectantly. It's something you can try to keep a handle on through clear, open, honest, communications, but can not always predict.

Sometimes in human interaction, damage control is the best you can do.


Absolutely. :)
My premise is simply that one person shouldn't be labeled in a negative manner based on another person's changed perception/desire. Fair enough?
"There are two sides to every story, and the truth usually lies somewhere in the middle."

Respectfully,
RFJM




sapphirepleasure -> RE: Players vs. Owners (8/28/2006 10:56:59 AM)

Donnalee,

I agree that sometimes when one is new, it's not always understood what's being asked of you. 

I recall one time when I met a dom and he asked me if I wanted to submit to him.  I questioned him on what he meant by that, if I was agreeing to submit only to him, or to submit at that moment, in the scene.  He assured me that he wasn't seeking exclusivity, but a desire to engage, to play at that moment.  When I fully understood what he was asking, I was able to agree, and fully engage in that moment with him.

You're right though, it's a process, and we each are learning ourselves more and more in the journey.

sp



BlueHnS -> RE: Players vs. Owners (8/28/2006 12:03:13 PM)

I think part of the problem with term player is that it has more than one meaning. Not only does it cover a dominant who prefers just play, but it is also applied to users and abusers, who don't really care in any way about the other party involved.
 
I've been both a player ( in the it works for us but on a limited basis sense ) and an owner. Sometimes both at the same time though with different people. For me it's just about how things mesh with the other individual(s) involved.



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