Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

Respect


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Respect Page: [1]
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
Respect - 8/16/2006 3:08:32 PM   
raiken


Posts: 868
Joined: 10/18/2005
Status: offline 		Sometimes one or more partners may react emotionally or irrationally to a situation, instead of being able,  in that moment of surge, to control their emotions and respond with a more controlled forethought.  Have any of you misunderstood your partner in this area, and felt that their lack of self control over their emotions equated to disrespectful behavior?   If so, what behavior caused you to feel this way?  How did you resolve this misunderstanding?  What does respect mean to you?
 
For me, it is more of an attitude i have toward others, where i am considerate of their feelings.  So if they are emotionally acting out for some reason, rather than take offense or take it personally, i first try to find out why they are feeling this way.  i know that others equate respect with being mannerly and polite or courteous, and i guess that is part of it also, but i have known many polite and courteous people who have shown a disrespectful attitude through other means.  i would be interested in your thoughts.
 
Thanks  :-) ~raiken

Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Respect - 8/16/2006 5:55:28 PM   
FirmhandKY


Posts: 8948
Joined: 9/21/2004
Status: offline 		raiken,

Doesn't seem like you are getting many "bites" with this subject.  So let me just add some "stuff". 

To me, emotional control is one of the most important issues that defines a "dom/me".  (Hell, that defines what an adult is.)

I'm not talking about denying your emotions, I'm talking about not letting your emotions overpower your analytical ability to affect the situation and people involved with you.

I think I've got a higher than average level of ability in suppressing my external reaction when faced with that initial emotional surge you describe.  I hold my reaction, hold my own returning emotional outburst long enough (most of the time) to process the situation and determine what response is really most appropriate, or try to discover any "real" issue.

Often, it's just that the other person needs some rant space.  I need rant space occasionally, too.  But you won't find me having an "emotional outburst" with a partner that I don't have a pretty high level of trust with already, and that trust is the very thing that allows both of us to reveal ourselves through our emotions effectively.

I think that's simply healthy.

The danger is that you can start to control yourself too much, that you can start to withdraw all of your emotions if you are faced with an emotional barrage on a regular basis (shell shock, battle fatigue, PTS syndrome ring any bells?).  I think that this is a trap that is toxic, and can foundamentally damage a strong, controlled individual.

FHky



_____________________________

Some people are just idiots.

(in reply to raiken)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Respect - 8/16/2006 6:05:14 PM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		raiken: I do like your encompassing definition of respect. My experience with some men (most notably my dead husband) has been that - while they will do things like open a car door for a female, they will neglect to intelligently follow that concept through - and let the female do things like shovel a 150 foot driveway with no snow-blower, all alone, because they are too cheap to buy one, or hire someone else to do it. Or, they will expect them to haul heavy furniture from one room to another - again alone with no help.

This kind of thinking, to me, shows a definite lack of respect. To me, respect is not just about Emily Post etiquette. Common sense says it is a concept and about general consideration for the other person and what is reasonable to expect of them, maybe especially from a physical standpoint, if that person is female.

But, enough kvetching about this topic from me. I do like the  fact you pointed this out, though.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 8/16/2006 7:05:00 PM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to raiken)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Respect - 8/16/2006 6:28:15 PM   
popeye1250


Posts: 18104
Joined: 1/27/2006
From: New Hampshire
Status: offline 		Susan, shoveling 150 foot long driveways and moving heavy furniture from room to room?
*You need to try condo living!*
I "may" sweep the front and back porches but that's about all the "heavy work" there is to do here.
We even have a guy who maintains the pool, all we do is use it! lol
Raikin, good question and I think you kind of answered it pretty well in your last paragraphs.

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Respect - 8/16/2006 6:53:30 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		What?  You mean like coming home after a long day at work filled with hours of tedious poring over spreadsheets and correllations followed by 50 minutes worth of traffic in what should have been a 20 minute drive to come home in the heat to NO cold cokes in the fridge despite there being 2 12-packs in the pantry and BOTH partners at home all day and dinner not started and neither of them having their phones on to call ahead to...and then snarking at both of them, coming into my room and laying down to cool off for awhile?

And then after 20 minutes, the younger partner comes in with a cold orange smoothie and the older partner has dinner cooking and I give them both hugs and kisses and say thanks for just letting me go and we're all fine.

That kinda thing happens more often than I'd like, and it's actually pretty much my top priority of habits I want to control and change.  But generally it's mild and I've learned to just back away and cool down most of the time. 

For me what matters is knowing WHY they are acting out and HOW to temper the acting out over time.  If the WHY really is as simple as "She needs to eat" then it's not a big deal.  If the WHY really is "She is insecure about my feelings towards her" then you've got quite a bit more work to be done.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to raiken)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Respect - 8/17/2006 4:29:15 PM   
porcelaine


Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: raiken

Sometimes one or more partners may react emotionally or irrationally to a situation, instead of being able,  in that moment of surge, to control their emotions and respond with a more controlled forethought.  Have any of you misunderstood your partner in this area, and felt that their lack of self control over their emotions equated to disrespectful behavior?   If so, what behavior caused you to feel this way?  How did you resolve this misunderstanding?  



I believe there are instances when we are all guilty of the behavior you've described. However, I think it is important that someone maintains a level head when this occurs. It prevents needless arguments and unnecessary eruptions in the long run. I typically will ask the person in a quiet voice what has inspired their words or actions. I maintain a calm tone even if this person is venting or irate. I've noticed this does help to diffuse situations. However, I'm also mindful that sometimes the best course of action is allowing the person to speak and get it all out. I typically play things by ear to determine what needs to be done.

I'm patient and understanding but those traits will not be taken advantage of or exploited. I am a stickler for self control and couldn't relate to a dominant that had no rein over his emotions. I would hope that the individual is mindful of the impact their words and deeds will have on the recipient and recognize that intent does not wield a similar interpretation upon delivery.

porcelaine

_____________________________

His will; my fate.

(in reply to raiken)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Respect - 8/17/2006 4:44:38 PM   
Sunshine119


Posts: 611
Joined: 8/8/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: raiken

Sometimes one or more partners may react emotionally or irrationally to a situation, instead of being able,  in that moment of surge, to control their emotions and respond with a more controlled forethought.  Have any of you misunderstood your partner in this area, and felt that their lack of self control over their emotions equated to disrespectful behavior?   If so, what behavior caused you to feel this way?  How did you resolve this misunderstanding?  What does respect mean to you?
 
For me, it is more of an attitude i have toward others, where i am considerate of their feelings.  So if they are emotionally acting out for some reason, rather than take offense or take it personally, i first try to find out why they are feeling this way.  i know that others equate respect with being mannerly and polite or courteous, and i guess that is part of it also, but i have known many polite and courteous people who have shown a disrespectful attitude through other means.  i would be interested in your thoughts.
 
Thanks  :-) ~raiken




Please remember to take severe PMS into account!  LOL!


_____________________________


Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

(in reply to raiken)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Respect - 8/17/2006 5:08:43 PM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: raiken

Sometimes one or more partners may react emotionally or irrationally to a situation, instead of being able,  in that moment of surge, to control their emotions and respond with a more controlled forethought.  Have any of you misunderstood your partner in this area, and felt that their lack of self control over their emotions equated to disrespectful behavior?   If so, what behavior caused you to feel this way?  How did you resolve this misunderstanding?  What does respect mean to you?
 
For me, it is more of an attitude i have toward others, where i am considerate of their feelings.  So if they are emotionally acting out for some reason, rather than take offense or take it personally, i first try to find out why they are feeling this way.  i know that others equate respect with being mannerly and polite or courteous, and i guess that is part of it also, but i have known many polite and courteous people who have shown a disrespectful attitude through other means.  i would be interested in your thoughts.
 
Thanks  :-) ~raiken



Whoa boy.  Were you over here last night?!   We both did it to each other last night.  I lost two family members in a week (separately) and Master was dealing with some other big stuff, and then together we had a misunderstanding about a separate issue which involved us both.

It resulted in him coming down on me over something I either miscommunicated or he misunderstood (jury is out on that one, lol) and I got all twisted at being raked through the coals when I was not in an emotional place to deal with it.

Two hours later we both stomped off (said for dramatics) in our own separate directions (the conversations took place over IM and phone) and went to bed.  Angry.  Pffft to both of us.

Not that I got any sleep, mind you.  I got up at 2:30 in the morning with a much calmer and clearer mind and apologized.  He replied at 4:00 in the morning, appreciating the apology and acknowledging his mood in it as well.

Today we have spoken calmly about all of it.  Sometimes it is best, when you BOTH are having a crappy time of it...to just be alone.  But what is ultimately important in all of it is being honest, and in my case, knowing my place which means shutting the hell up until we are both calm enough to talk about it.  Doesn't always happen.  What happened last night was rare, but fortunately we can both recognize the others' grief and a) let some things go; and b) start anew with a new day.  No one is perfect and to think (in my opinion) that both people in a relationship are going to do the perfect thing each and every time is just crazy.

When it's just one of us having a bad day of it well....if it's him, I take it and love him and let it go (well I might sniffle a little about it later...heh).  If it's me he gives me opportunity to "see the light," and if I fail at that, he leaves me alone to calm down before I get myself into hot water.  If I still insist on yielding to my mood, rather than him (that really doesn't happen anymore), I can expect some ramifications for it.

(in reply to raiken)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Respect - 8/20/2006 7:29:00 PM   
classykindasassy


Posts: 291
Joined: 12/13/2005
Status: offline 		ok here is a case in point of how strange this can be...

I am the sub. All my life i was forbidden to throw tantrums or talk back. I was punished for outbursts. I got really good at stuffing my feelings.

I had a particularly stressful week at work and in life. My dom is also under a lot of stress as he has a serious surgery pending. We both are wondering how we are going to deal with the separation as he recovers.

My work prevents me from seeing my Daddy as I used to during the week, and I had an opening to take an extended dinner break from work, and called him to see if he could come meet me. He explained he'd made other plans and I proceeded to get totally pissed off that he would not drop everything for me and come see me, and he was going to a play party stag that evening.

Rather than start going off, and getting nasty/screaming on the phone...I said "anything I say now I will regret" and hung up the phone. My thinking was that it was better form to not have a tantrum.

As it turned up, Daddy was more disturbed, disappointed and upset that I hung up - he said he'd rather have had me express what was on my mind even if I got really really upset.. It really torqued him that I hung up rather than get upset in his direction.

I am surprised at every turn at how Daddy is different than any other man I have partnered with. But this really threw me for a loop.

I don't indulge in drama or disrespect and he knows that. It is hard to understand, but he would rather I not hold in my upset, but instead get it out - he has the capacity to not take it personally.

I am still trying to get my mind around this one, but I love who he is and the amazing compassion he has. He would not tolerate my disrespect, but could handle me expressing an upset even if I threw an adult tantrum.

Not that it's encouraged or appreciated...or that it would happen very often...but, he is an amazing, loving person - and has given me the opportunity to heal my past in so many ways. I don't understand it, but I'm trying.


_____________________________

"The less I seek my source for some definitive, the closer I am to fine." -The Indigo Girls

(in reply to ownedgirlie)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Respect - 8/21/2006 1:23:34 AM   
Noah


Posts: 1660
Joined: 7/5/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: raiken

Sometimes one or more partners may react emotionally or irrationally to a situation, instead of being able, in that moment of surge, to control their emotions and respond with a more controlled forethought.  Have any of you misunderstood your partner in this area, and felt that their lack of self control over their emotions equated to disrespectful behavior?  


Yes.

quote:

How did you resolve this misunderstanding?
 

I told her to stop what she was doing and to behave differently. She complied.

Obedience of course does not require any "controlled forethought." When one obeys, self control is in the the relevant sense abdicated in favor of control by another. Instead of forethought (thinking ahead) obedience calls for one to inhabit the present moment.

"Do this. Now."


I believe that centering yourself in the present moment is seldom a bad idea for anyone.

At a time or times I found appropriate we talked about the matter until I believed that sufficient understanding was reached within the terms set for our relationship.

In some cases a broad and deep mutual understanding was the object of the talking. In other cases the understanding I sought was primarily for me, to her was left the task of surrender and emotional acceptance. Another way to say this might be that in these cases her task was to either make her heart as obedient as her behavior was or to live with the pain of the dissonance between her desires and the way things would be.

If "submission" doesn't entail this then I don't understand the word.

Obviously to re-align one's behavior is relatively uncomplicated--whether it is easy or difficult in a particular case. To surrender one's will as well as one's behavior can be more complex. It can take far more time and the process proceeds in a different way--though beginning with behavior alignment can be a good first step toward an emotional realignment.

It is an aspect of the power exchange as I conduct it that I give as much consideration as I choose to my partner's desires and ideas. Then I decide, and she complies.

It isn't always her perogative to delve until she is satisfied that she "understands." For her to demand the "right to understand" would not be respectful in our context. Whereas your partner might wish to grant this right to you to the extent that your efforts to understand did not exceed his personal boundaries.

That is to say that your definition of respect would run out of traction if, say, my partner tried to invoke it in our relationship.

quote:

What does respect mean to you?


Respect for me is a matter of recognizing another person as a person rather than as an object or as a means to an end.

Depending on our respective roles and the specific context of the moment the manifestations of respect will vary. The underlying idea won't.

(in reply to raiken)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Respect - 8/21/2006 7:13:13 AM   
marieToo


Posts: 3595
Joined: 5/21/2006
From: Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: raiken

Sometimes one or more partners may react emotionally or irrationally to a situation, instead of being able,  in that moment of surge, to control their emotions and respond with a more controlled forethought.  Have any of you misunderstood your partner in this area, and felt that their lack of self control over their emotions equated to disrespectful behavior?   If so, what behavior caused you to feel this way?  How did you resolve this misunderstanding?  What does respect mean to you?
 



Yes, I have reacted emotionally..or in a way that would appear to be 'disrespect'. 
What caused me to react the way I did, was fear.

Defining respect is hard for me.  It would depend on the context.  In the ds relationship context, the contexts that I have known and am familiar with, Id say its a mindset thats illustrated in the way I speak to and relate to the dominant party.

(in reply to raiken)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Respect - 8/21/2006 7:58:43 AM   
raiken


Posts: 868
Joined: 10/18/2005
Status: offline 		Thank You for your thoughts, and most of what was expressed is what i am dealing with at the moment.  i am in a tough middle situation at present, so it feels good to not feel alone, sometimes ya just need to reach out and express it.  One of the Master's i serve, who before i agreed to submit to him part time, was and is also one of my closest long time friends, and colleague.  His new live-in slave has been acting out during different situations, and (i personally observed and do feel) that he has been taking it a bit too personal. Like some of you have stated, he is a stickler for self control, and so what ever issues seem to trigger her, it causes her to raise her voice, so she gets immediately punished, and her feelings never get expressed in the right context or understanding.  He is one who is so even toned, that sometimes, if you don't know him, you would swear he has no feelings! *smile
 
He has asked me for my thoughts, and before i expressed them, i put it out here for your feedback to help me with my wording.  i want to say to him that what is causing her to react rather than respond is too upsetting for her to control right now and that he may want to look past the elevated voice and listen (FEEL) her feelings/concerns and /or intentions behind the sound, and consider or address them FIRST before he reacts.  i feel he needs to respond to her as well.  i want to suggest to him to NOT take it so personal, and not immediately feel disrespected when in fact in i don't believe that is where she is coming from, nor is it her intention.  i want to say that it may help to speak to her about voice elevation AFTER she has calmed herself, and after she has been allowed the freedom to express or emote.
 
i am still kind of searching for the right way to present this, so your input has helped me.  Thank You, and if anyone else has any thoughts, i have until the weekend to sort this out for a better presentation, as we will be meeting over dinner.  Being involved with him intimately on an M/s level, after years of friendship, changes for me in this area, in that i feel to be more gentle and not as blunt and direct as i usually would be in our professonal friendship.  i just want to offer my thoughts in the best way possible, being that we now have an M/s dynamic.  So Thank You all again. *smile
 
~raiken


(in reply to raiken)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Respect - 8/21/2006 8:11:24 AM   
ExSteelAgain


Posts: 1803
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Georgia
Status: offline 		I’m not perfect and have reacted emotionally to situations so I’m not about to jump on a slave every time she reacts poorly out of a human frailty we all have. I’m not perfect, I’m a human Dom made of skin and bones.

Does she show disrespect when she behaves poorly now and then? I don’t think so; she is behaving in a totally normal way, that I, a hopefully wise Dom, should show compassion for. If I have the ability to understand poor judgment, I have the ability to forgive.

In response to an emotional outburst, I may respond with a laugh or I may point out another view instead of punishing. I don’t get too serious about every little thing that comes my way. I will be a far more effective Dom by leading with my real self, keeping things fun and uncontrived. Trust me, there will be enough domination to keep us both happy.

_____________________________

You can paint a cinder block bright pastel pink, but it's still a cinder block. (By Me.)

(in reply to raiken)
Profile   Post #: 13
Page:   [1]
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Respect Page: [1]
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.111