RE: disappearing Doms [and subs]

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subservice -> RE: disappearing Doms [and subs] (2/10/2005 11:25:20 PM)
hello yes i am a male and i have had it happen to me time and again. the funny thing to me is it is ladies who make first contact and we seem to hit it off we exchange emails even chat on yahoo. then they stop for no reason. i myself am ready to give up on this site. try as i might i can't seem to meet anyone. i write polite letters and get mostly no replies. leo

Darthbetta -> RE: disappearing Doms [and subs] (2/11/2005 7:50:03 AM)
I call them " FADERS".. they come on strong, and then POOF ! they are outie like David Copperfield. it happens. Frustrating ? yes. Just happens to you ? no. cheers, D.

MsSonnetMarwood -> RE: disappearing Doms [and subs] (2/11/2005 8:18:34 AM)
Even though it's tough at times, I don't take it personally when people bail after I've invested time and effort into getting to know them.... But because this does happen so frequently, I have ended up what I call the "one month rule". It's simple - a sub who first contacts me has one month from first contact to meet me. This goes for if they've met me online, or we met briefly at a scene event. If they can't get it together to move that quickly, then they can move on. I tell people upfront that this is the timeline that I work with, and that I don't make exceptions to it. My expectation is that if first contact goes well and there's mutual interest, I want to "talk" regularly & consistently for 2-3 weeks online. This means both emails and via messaging. Messaging is great but email takes a little more effort - and they will need to be sent. This is usually the time period during which I will end contact if I feel I would not be interested in them. All going well and the interest is still there after 2-3 weeks? Great. I'll put an hour to one side and we'll talk on the phone. Phone call goes well? The sub has a week after the phone call to meet me for coffee, face to face. (You might even get that bumped up to lunch if you ask nicely enough) By rolling things through like this, it cuts out a lot of the nonsense with those that are soooo sincere but want to chitchat forever and a day before they meet if they ever do. I end up not having to invest so much of my time or myself, and that's that. Understand I am not saying at the end of a month that sub will be serving me. Far from it. There is plenty of time to get to know one another - but it won't be happening online. You just don't know about a person until you sit down and talk to them face to face; 10 minutes of that will tell me far more than chatting online for 3 months ever will. That period of talking will give me a feel for them (why I won't meet say, two days after first contact), and the prompt meeting in person will generally give me a good enough overview to know if I want to invest the time getting to know them better. I find this approach does chase off a lot of people LOL....but the hardy do make it through. But that's fine with me...I'm no more interested in wasting a sub's time than I am my own.

domtimothy46176 -> RE: disappearing Doms [and subs] (2/11/2005 12:01:36 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MsSonnetMarwood Even though it's tough at times, I don't take it personally when people bail after I've invested time and effort into getting to know them.... But because this does happen so frequently, I have ended up what I call the "one month rule". It's simple - a sub who first contacts me has one month from first contact to meet me. This goes for if they've met me online, or we met briefly at a scene event. If they can't get it together to move that quickly, then they can move on. I tell people upfront that this is the timeline that I work with, and that I don't make exceptions to it. My expectation is that if first contact goes well and there's mutual interest, I want to "talk" regularly & consistently for 2-3 weeks online. This means both emails and via messaging. Messaging is great but email takes a little more effort - and they will need to be sent. This is usually the time period during which I will end contact if I feel I would not be interested in them. All going well and the interest is still there after 2-3 weeks? Great. I'll put an hour to one side and we'll talk on the phone. Phone call goes well? The sub has a week after the phone call to meet me for coffee, face to face. (You might even get that bumped up to lunch if you ask nicely enough) By rolling things through like this, it cuts out a lot of the nonsense with those that are soooo sincere but want to chitchat forever and a day before they meet if they ever do. I end up not having to invest so much of my time or myself, and that's that. Understand I am not saying at the end of a month that sub will be serving me. Far from it. There is plenty of time to get to know one another - but it won't be happening online. You just don't know about a person until you sit down and talk to them face to face; 10 minutes of that will tell me far more than chatting online for 3 months ever will. That period of talking will give me a feel for them (why I won't meet say, two days after first contact), and the prompt meeting in person will generally give me a good enough overview to know if I want to invest the time getting to know them better. I find this approach does chase off a lot of people LOL....but the hardy do make it through. But that's fine with me...I'm no more interested in wasting a sub's time than I am my own. This makes perfect sense to me. Online contact is great for expanding one's pool of potential partners but has limited usefulness if one is looking for a R/T coporeal relationship. I, too, move thing along to a face-to-face meeting within a reasonable timeframe. No matter how well I might feel like I click with a potential partner, I am very aware that sometimes the chemistry just isn't there in person. I think it's much better to determine if there are real possibilities than to make assumptions that may be disappointing. Timothy

DesertRat -> RE: disappearing Doms [and subs] (2/11/2005 5:49:37 PM)
This has happened to me several times, too. The emails, Yahoo, discussing specifics, maybe feeling an actual connection, then.....POOF...gone. Most recent one was a woman who says that "online bores me", but seems to be after nothing more than cybersex. I've been doing this for awhile and have pretty much gotten used to it. But every once in a while it pisses me OFF. But then I just take some deep breaths, shrug, and keep on keeping on. I like MsSonnetMarwood's "one month rule". quote: ORIGINAL: subservice hello yes i am a male and i have had it happen to me time and again. the funny thing to me is it is ladies who make first contact and we seem to hit it off we exchange emails even chat on yahoo. then they stop for no reason. i myself am ready to give up on this site. try as i might i can't seem to meet anyone. i write polite letters and get mostly no replies. leo

GentleLady -> RE: disappearing Doms [and subs] (2/12/2005 3:17:41 PM)
What gets Me are the submissives who state in their profile that they are looking for a long term relationship or permanent Mistress yet they e-mail Me even though they live in a different country. They get a polite 'no thank you' note because I cannot see how they can be serious when there is no way of meeting face-to-face. Like others who have posted, if the submissive can make it through a few weeks of e-mails without setting off red flags then I speak with them on the phone as the next step. If they are not willing to give Me a phone number and/or a time when I can talk to them then I refuse to meet them in person. This is one of the safety precautions I use.

masterfng -> RE: disappearing Doms [and subs] (2/12/2005 3:18:39 PM)
It IS very disheartening to put so much effort into to someone you think is the ONE and this naturally leads to getting your hopes up... only to have them come crashing down again. You will probably never find out all the reasons why..... and what would it matter if you did? The end result unfortunately will still be the same. Don't let THEM take away the fire inside of you. Keep it burning for the ONE who will be all you ever wanted and could ever imagine. Stop wasting time emailing those that no longer have an interest in you..... they don't deserve it.

Shayna -> RE: disappearing Doms [and subs] (2/12/2005 3:58:24 PM)
Here's a good one: I met a male subbie off-line 2 times - he was very enthusiastic, tells me how he has been wanting this all his life, he's now divorced and ready to submit, blah blah. I haven't heard from him in a week, and today I find that he just registered a new profile on collarme....as a Dom. ROFL! Sometimes when a person poofs it's a blessing in disguise.

DiamondDiva -> RE: disappearing Doms [and subs] (2/12/2005 8:46:30 PM)
Welcome to the group and Yes I agree, do not take it personally. The internet is not exactly the best place to foster these type of relationships so you really have to go with your instinct. People hide behind the internet, they can be whomever they choose to be and then poof they are gone. Don't let this discourage you, he was not the first and will not be the last to act they way. Just know that each time it happens you become a little wiser to the game and can put an end to it before it starts.

domtimothy46176 -> RE: disappearing Doms [and subs] (2/13/2005 4:13:21 PM)
As a general rule of thumb, I find it useful to keep in mind that, until I've actually met someone in the flesh, their entire existence is hypothetical. I'm not particularly cynical, IMO, merely realistic about what I'm likely to encounter online. I don't get frustrated because I don't allow myself to invest text-based exchanges with R/T expectations. I hope this helps. Timothy

DesertRat -> RE: disappearing Doms [and subs] (2/14/2005 2:41:55 PM)
That is VERY wise advice. But right now....grrrrrr....gnashing of teeth...minor tensing of muscles....grrrrr....slightly elevated pulse......gggrrrowwwlll...yes, it has happened AGAIN! Same sub....reminds me of Charlie Brown and Lucy with the football. I am feeling FRUStrated. But it will pass, and it's part of the learning process. I feel better for having vented. Thanks. Bob quote: ORIGINAL: domtimothy46176 As a general rule of thumb, I find it useful to keep in mind that, until I've actually met someone in the flesh, their entire existence is hypothetical. I'm not particularly cynical, IMO, merely realistic about what I'm likely to encounter online. I don't get frustrated because I don't allow myself to invest text-based exchanges with R/T expectations. I hope this helps. Timothy

RiotGirl -> RE: disappearing Doms [and subs] (2/14/2005 3:15:38 PM)
Access Denied

lilserenity -> RE: disappearing Doms [and subs] (7/23/2007 12:21:11 PM)
[:@]WELL I have found now tahts Doms ask if you have a webcam first instead of name lolol. I say no then they disappear what a drag. Nope Im not going to EVER buy a cam..This goes to show you that players won't meet or greet anymore so the Heck with them.. Now I will ask if they have a cam then I won't bother with them..Sounds about equal doesnt it. I'm not usually this way but I found getting to know someone then all of a sudden your picture isnt good enough even tho it may be a week old,they want a movement.If I cant give them a movement they are GONEEEEEEE.. If anyone here has a cam I apologize I'm not condemning you I'm condemning those who don't care about anything but themselves and to get off. This is a shame and waste but its their life I just wish they went somewhere else and wasted someone elses' life..But its another internet lesson to learn..I just learn to easily and too fast.. So have no cam will travel will be my new motto .....smiling take care.. serenity

LATEXBABY64 -> RE: disappearing Doms [and subs] (7/23/2007 12:34:58 PM)
one word tourist freaking tourist

MasterMataeo -> RE: disappearing Doms [and subs] (7/25/2007 8:12:39 PM)
not your fault,,

jflynn -> RE: disappearing Doms [and subs] (7/25/2007 8:19:01 PM)
Eh, it happens. I think when it first happened to me, I was particularly peeved, since the person had seemed very intelligent, wasn't a flake, and was also very well spoken. And after about 4-5 private e-mails. Poof gone like that. I fretted and was irked that maybe I had come off as over-eager and scared them.. but in the end I figured that they were just flakes, or just sub-hoppers.. hopping from one to another, and every time someone slightly better/prettier/more articulate/etc came along, they severed and went to the next. Oddly enough, they re-reg'd about a year later, and messaged me again. I was happily in a relationship, and seeing them coming after me again.. after flaking.. well they got a nice little snarky message. :)

ProlificNeeds -> RE: disappearing Doms [and subs] (7/25/2007 10:02:10 PM)
I've had someone poof on me after phone and face to face meeting, which seemed to go very well. It was a bit.. sketchy, they'd made plans with me, then had cancelled due to 'work'.. rechedualed for the following weekend... then poofed during the week. I waited it out, the weekend passed, no note or anything. I did notice the individual in question logging into collarme though, I left a polite message for him to contact me, via messenger, but it recieved no response, so I left a message in his collarme mail, since he was obviously logging into that mail system according to the profile, and left it at that. Two weeks later I got an angry, belligerant e-mail that included a story about how his beloved aunt died and he had to travel half way across the country with no notice... and had no private internet access to respond. There was pointedly no apology for his vanishing, and a very capitalized 'fuck you' in there, apparently being concerned about his disappearance was rude of me. I sent my condolences and apologies and his profile was deleted less than 24 hours later. Hmmm I didn't lament that houdini act for a minute. Could have been true, but I still don't spend time thinking about people who obviously haven't been thinking about me.

LadyKimberly33 -> RE: disappearing Doms [and subs] (7/25/2007 10:15:12 PM)
I have had subs poof right out of My darn house before, online I kind of expect it now, maybe 90% Its not you!!

AZDarkKnight -> RE: disappearing Doms [and subs] (7/25/2007 10:21:47 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyKimberly33 I have had subs poof right out of My darn house before, online I kind of expect it now, maybe 90% Its not you!! You know the fireplay is going too far if they are going "poof" before your eyes! Its unfortunate, but I am also along the lines that online I expect it and so talk with no expectations the majority of the time.

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