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disappearing Doms [and subs] - 12/13/2004 11:55:18 AM   
noonespersephone


Posts: 2
Joined: 12/9/2004
Status: offline 		Hello... i would like to preface my points with the fact that i first made a search for a similar post so that i would not repeat it but did not find any...

my question is.... have others run into disappearing Doms or subs?

i have run into a few and it makes me really sad :(

i dont understand it... i have talked with a few men... and we really seem to click with our interests social political views Ds sex play etc etc... it feels like we are really looking for the same thing in dating and in Ds...

then i dont hear from them again...

maybe i scare them away because im for real?
i want to explore the possibility of being their girlfriend and sub....
and im serious about it...
i am always polite and sweet....
so i really dont think and i hope its not ME who is scaring them away...

one Dom actually totally disappeared completely, a week later, his collarme profile was deleted, and he never returned my emails again...

and i feel like this is continuing to happen to me...
men who arent replying to emails and their instant message names disappear [maybe i was blocked and my emails get deleted]

i just hope to hear that others commiserate is all...

thank you very much for listening :(
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: disappearing Doms [and subs] - 12/13/2004 12:14:03 PM   
INSIDEYOURMIND


Posts: 483
Status: offline 		It is important that you do not try and take the blame for this, it is unfortunately a by product of our lifestyle.

There are an incredible amount of wannabes, posers, and just complete fakes out there. You offer them exactly what they want, but for slight issues, such as a wife, or girlfriend that has no clue to this, they cannot act on these urges except for online, or on the side.

Some are just HNGs, which to the uninformed is a HORNY NET GEEK, these trolls will search you out, make all the promises in the world, and poof they are gone.

I can't explain why these people waste your time, but have patience, there are good Doms out there who will see the qualities that you have to offer, and actually follow through and meet you!

I read your profile, it is clear in your needs, and outlines what you seek, you are sure to get bombarded with replies, but take the time to read each one, you never know, you could delete the perfect Dom for you. Read the thread included with this reply, it may give you hope!

The fates were with us

_____________________________

If I got smart with you.................
How would you know?

(in reply to noonespersephone)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: disappearing Doms [and subs] - 12/13/2004 12:36:01 PM   
happypervert


Posts: 2203
Joined: 5/11/2004
From: Scranton, PA
Status: offline 		You aren't the only one to have someone disappear while flirting. I'd say you should consider yourself lucky though -- somewhere around here there are threads where folks promise to meet and then don't show up; there are also examples where they keep delaying ever meeting and string another along forever. And then there are examples where they do show up and then turn out to be something other than advertised. So it is actually considerate of those guys to disappear before jerking you around any more.

Of course, we shouldn't get discouraged because such stuff happens occasionally. Just turn your bullshit detectors up a notch and keep plugging away. And if you can plug into a local munch group, you can meet real folks, and it is much tougher for them to just disappear.

Good luck!

_____________________________

"Get a bicycle. You will not regret it if you live." . . . Mark Twain

(in reply to noonespersephone)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: disappearing Doms [and subs] - 12/13/2004 1:37:04 PM   
sub4hire


Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		I think while searching everyone has come across people who just disappear.
I'd just chalk it up to...hey this is a person you would not have meshed with in the long term anyway. So their wife or husband catching them on the pc was a good thing for you.

Don't take it personal. I'm sure it isn't.

(in reply to noonespersephone)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: disappearing Doms [and subs] - 12/13/2004 2:49:16 PM   
harmony3709


Posts: 292
Joined: 11/15/2004
Status: offline 		Hello, welcome to CollarMe, and as well to the boards.........(smile). You are definitely not alone in this problem and from what my Dom friends tell me, this disappearing seems to be done on both sides of the fence. I don't know if that will make you feel any better, but at least you can know that it isn't just something about you personally. I think it's probably a combination of wannabes, people who are married and got caught, and those who just don't have the nerve or courtesy to send a simple, thanks but I don't think we have anything in common.

By the way, I read your profile over, and I think you did a great job describing yourself and were refreshingly honest and open. It was very well written, congrats!!

Going to a local munch is a great way to get to know other people in your area, and you don't have to go with the sole intention of finding your "One", you can meet friends there as well, both Dom and sub, and if you go with that kind of an open mind, maybe your "accidental and coincidental" meeting with someone will happen! It's hard as a single sub to go, believe me, I know but try it.....you might like it!!

harmony

(in reply to noonespersephone)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: disappearing Doms [and subs] - 12/13/2004 4:25:34 PM   
lilserenity


Posts: 41
Joined: 7/1/2004
Status: offline 		I agree with harmony go outside of the internet. There is where you will meet real people and they will bethere for you as well. I had the same thing happen to me so donot feel bad ,its made me sad but it made me see that the internet played another trick on me so I overlooked it and took it as a lesson learned..So step away from the typing and go have fun. There is no touching and people will love to talk to you and make friends with many that are like yourself,interested and looking..a munch is the best remedy of the internet..Enjoy............ hugs serenity

_____________________________

The gem cannot be polished without friction, nor man perfected without trials.

(in reply to noonespersephone)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: disappearing Doms [and subs] - 12/13/2004 6:12:31 PM   
ShadowKnight


Posts: 40
Joined: 12/7/2004
From: Missoula, Montana
Status: offline 		well i think that is something that happens on both sides of the fence. If you are able to make it to a local munch then that is all well and good. Personally I am unable to do that here with two small children and no babysitter so oftentimes this is the only outlet for Me to meet possible interested parties.

ShadowKnight

_____________________________

What is weightier than gold yet depresses no scale?

The collar is put on from without, but what it encircles comes from within. Slavery, true slavery, comes from within.

(in reply to lilserenity)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: disappearing Doms [and subs] - 12/13/2004 6:16:55 PM   
Spankinatrix


Posts: 90
Joined: 7/5/2004
Status: offline 		Hey! Welcome! Nah, don't take it personally. I can't tell you how often this has happened to me... online, in person, after a first meeting, over the phone, you name it. Its part of a game for some folks, but in the end it always feels worth it once that wonderful-someone is found be it for a scene with a mysterious stranger of the beginning of a lifetime together! The area of the country matters, too, frankly. Upstate NY isn't a bad place to be for that, if you're near a sizable city. I do agree with everyone encouraging munches, however! I co-moderate a local munch group just for 18-35 year old kinksters called the 'TNG munch', and I see that you fit into that range. I would suggest asking around, or doing a websearch, for "TNG Munch"es in your area. That stands for The Next Generation, but is NOT related to Star Treck...its just..um..a name refering to our age status. They exist all around the country. Some time ago I lived in central/upstate NY while going to Syracuse U and I bet they have one in the area, judging from the folks I knew there at the time. I hear that some TNGs are now being called TNG Fight Clubs, but of course the first two rules would prohibit me from talking about that, eh? If you're at all able to get to NYC there is a fantastic TNG there that does classes and gatherings regularly. Drop me an email and I'll hook you up with that one.
N

(in reply to noonespersephone)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: disappearing Doms [and subs] - 12/13/2004 6:45:50 PM   
afmvdp


Posts: 494
Joined: 7/10/2004
Status: offline 		It's the nature of the beast, online isn't always the most condusive way towards meeting someone "real". I noticed yhou're from upstate NY you tried going to any of the groups there locally?

(in reply to noonespersephone)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: disappearing Doms [and subs] - 12/13/2004 8:56:23 PM   
bumblebee


Posts: 29
Joined: 12/1/2004
Status: offline 		EXACT same thing happened to me just recently. His profile disappeared and everything. It's frustrating when you finally find someone you really click with and then they vanish. I had a really good feeling about this one too so it's making me question my judgement.
I'm sure the advice about munches is good, i'm just finding it a bit intimidating to go when I don't know anyone there. Of course that will never change if I don't get up the nerve and go. So I've answered my own question there, oops.

(in reply to afmvdp)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: disappearing Doms [and subs] - 12/13/2004 9:08:05 PM   
FangsNfeet


Posts: 3758
Joined: 12/3/2004
Status: offline 		don't be upset at yourself. Some ppl are jerks who just want to get a little out of you. Your number, email, litlle things to make them feel special. Kinda like the guy who flirts with the waitress and such. Some just want you to call them for the uplifting ego. Just considered yourself to have been flirted with. But hell read my profile, you like what ya see, well maybe there could be something for us.

_____________________________

I'm Godzilla and you're Japan

(in reply to noonespersephone)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: disappearing Doms [and subs] - 12/13/2004 11:12:17 PM   
slavegyrl


Posts: 16
Joined: 11/29/2004
Status: offline 		i know what you mean. When they find out that i am real, some have told me that i'am to much. Could you imagine, being to much, with a profile that say's they are the ultimate. And then others like you say just vanish. They start the contact, get you all fired up and nothing, zip, gone. Oh well, to bad for them.

(in reply to noonespersephone)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: disappearing Doms [and subs] - 12/14/2004 3:43:07 PM   
harmony3709


Posts: 292
Joined: 11/15/2004
Status: offline 		AAAAAKKKKK!!!!!!!!!! I just found it so ironic that I had posted just recently on this thread and how the disappearing act happens to all of us and then it just happened to me again, LOL!! And for the record, I think that is the best way to deal with DDS -- Disappearing Dom Syndrome -- or DSS -- Disappearing Sub Syndrome -- to laugh and laugh and pretty soon you'll be laughing because you mean it, not because you're faking it..... *keep laughing girl, keep laughing*.........

You know, maybe a list should be created somewhere, like the missing persons bureau or something, but with a list of Doms or Subs who have vanished into thin air............would be nice to check before agreeing to that first meet or even responding to an email...........don't ya think? Hmmm.......I see a new web site forming here.......pics and all.......picturing a 10 Most Wanted kind of look to it..........

harmony

(in reply to noonespersephone)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: disappearing Doms [and subs] - 12/15/2004 12:00:58 PM   
MsDiana18102


Posts: 2
Joined: 9/20/2004
Status: offline 		I know that feeling all to well. Tried to start a discussion with a male *cough* slave. He replied maybe once with a 'running out the door, but would love to talk further Madam'. Attempted again, saw he read the message, but no reply. "Sighs" The red flags should have been flying high after reading his profile more closely.

I am really starting to have sincere doubts there are actually serious Life people on this site.

(in reply to harmony3709)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: disappearing Doms [and subs] - 12/15/2004 12:02:51 PM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

I know that feeling all to well. Tried to start a discussion with a male *cough* slave. He replied maybe once with a 'running out the door, but would love to talk further Madam'. Attempted again, saw he read the message, but no reply. "Sighs" The red flags should have been flying high after reading his profile more closely.

I am really starting to have sincere doubts there are actually serious Life people on this site.


Yeah - you've gotten a good enough sampling there, I agree.

(in reply to MsDiana18102)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: disappearing Doms [and subs] - 12/31/2004 4:56:12 PM   
liltxsubby


Posts: 328
Joined: 11/18/2004
From: TX
Status: offline 		it seems to happen all too often. the online disappearing act i've come to accept and move past (unless a meeting had been arranged and then when it comes close *poof*), hopefully i won't have that experience in the near future. What really stinks is you meet someone you really think you click with, person agrees to teach you some things, and does a few time. Next thing you know, e-mails, IMs and phone numbers are blocked. YUCK. Is it so difficult to just tell somebody "hey i don't wanna see you anymore"? i personally think it shows a complete lack of respect.

(in reply to noonespersephone)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: disappearing Doms [and subs] - 12/31/2004 10:16:06 PM   
MizSuz


Posts: 1881
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		A good rule of thumb is that someone is just smoke and mirrors until they are sitting across a table looking into your eyes. Not that there's anything wrong with smoke & mirrors, just that it's prudent not to put too much value or investment in it.

Start meeting people r/t. Either at a club, a munch, or find an interested party who will accompany you to a public place to meet people fairly early on.

If they can't make it for coffee they're too far away (but you'll be happy to meet them should they find themself in your town).

Save the "Master, please" and "Yes Master" until after you've looked in their eyes, a number of times. Until then they haven't earned that anyway and being willing to do that crap just feeds the horny net geeks looking for masturbatory material. I'm of the opinion that an experienced dominant worth their salt will understand your wish to save your submission to keep it precious and won't push until you are willing to be pushed. Anything other than a cursory list of interests (online) is jack off material. If you're going to write jackoff material online you should get paid for it (unless you enjoy providing that service for free, in which case have at it). Common courtesy should be enough and in my experience is, at least initially, plenty to an experienced player.

All that being equal, you'll still have people poof on you, just like in r/t you'd have vanilla blind dates not show up. Their loss.

But then that is the perspective of a dominant woman, your mileage may vary.

_____________________________

“The more you love, the more you can love—and the more intensely you love. Nor is there any limit on how many you can love. If a person had time enough, he could love all of that majority who are decent and just.”
- Robert Heinlein

(in reply to noonespersephone)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: disappearing Doms [and subs] - 12/31/2004 11:50:43 PM   
Nvernilla


Posts: 303
Joined: 10/1/2004
Status: offline 		Well yes I have but just because they disappear doesn't mean its a problem with you. People change, get hooked up and some are too airheaded to maintain a functional ( or disfunctional ) situation too. The bottom line is that its always best to blame the other person. If they're not sure if they want you or not, aren't they really a waste of your time? Keep on keepin on just like the song says. ( that Dylan guys pretty smart )...Mike

(in reply to noonespersephone)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: disappearing Doms [and subs] - 2/9/2005 11:26:53 PM   
noonespersephone


Posts: 2
Joined: 12/9/2004
Status: offline 		i would like to thank everyone for their great advice! i have joined my local bdsm group and everyone there is awesome :)

funny thing is... the specific disappearing Dom i mentioned -- messaged me on another BDSM website... he used the same username, physical attributes, language, etc etc... i totally blew his spot and he hasnt replied... i dont think he will...

it's ok... im doing fine without him.
im really happy with all of the supportive and caring people on this site :D

(in reply to noonespersephone)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: disappearing Doms [and subs] - 2/10/2005 5:33:29 AM   
topcat


Posts: 1675
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Tidewater, VA
Status: offline 		Midear 'persephone-

Thanks for the update!

A lot of people post here, and get some good advice, and are never seen again- in fact, they kinda disappear<g>. it's nice to know what happens next.

Stay warm,
Lawrence

_____________________________

-there is no remission without blood-

(in reply to noonespersephone)
Profile   Post #: 20
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