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DanteMalo -> Headgames for the Vanillas? Yes I say! (8/4/2006 1:24:21 AM)
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But then in my hometown (berkeley oakland area) I am well known for my mischief.
Seriously. It is they (you know, "them") who enforce the mores of their old, obsolete, ways of thinking on us EVERY DAY,with their bland, flavorless, "romantic candlelit dinners" and ther stupid MYV shows like "next" and so on. I hate the vanillas. (not very much, but they do annoy me)
Just because they can't take a joke, (many have proven that they can not) does not mean that I will be anything other than what I am, a dry wit, with biting humor (no pun ntended), split-second timing, and double entendre in tow.
I found one such encounter particularlly enjoyable.
My encounter with the Mormons:
Dateline:
Berkeley. A sunday morning in June 2006. All is quiet in the land......................
There is a loud knock at the door. I stumble out of bed, saunter downstairs, and tie my bathrobe, covering my massive man-spear. manners. It is 9 AM. no one is stupid enough to wake me on a sunday at 9.
I open my little cage peephole, and say in in a very inditimidating voice: YES?
"Hello sir"
I open the door a crack to find two bright-eyed and bushy-tailed young white gentlemen, who were dressed in a style I can only call "midwestern sales clerk, headed for plumbing school chic"
I turn to the side so they can easily see my dragon tattoo. (big scary dragon!)
"Sir, we'd like to talk with you about current events, and how your life can live up to it's full potential with Jesus Christ"
"oh" I say while yawning. I try to sound bored. "ok" "what's your philosophy?"
"you see, sir, in these troubled times there is something greater than us, somoething that is all encompassing, something that that brings peace to all nations and sucess to all who follow it"
"damm" I think to myself. "this kid is good. Let the games begin"
"really?" I try to sound suddeny interested.
"yes. accepting jesus as your personal savior, is that greater thing"
"I already have a greater personal thing" I say, defensively.
"really? they look sincerely curious and confused.
"Yes"
What?
"Satan, lord of all worlds" I say, drop-dead serious.
They go suddenly quiet and one of them while keeping his eyes on me, slowly reaches for his bible the way a gunslinger would right before a shootout.
"are you serious?" says one of them. the younger one, not being sure what to do starts thumbing his bible at about the speed a cashier at a bank counts dollar bills.
"yes. you know. SATAN? lord of all earthly pleasures, king of the rapture, corruptor of souls, beezlebub, ruler of hell, old scratch, the devil. you know. you haven't heard?"
"heard what?"
"your bible's not up-to-date. Satan made a deal with your "god", and now we can do whatever we want"
They both laugh nervously.
"what's your name?" I say, even though I can easily see their name tags.
'I am Elder James, and this is elder Price"
"Look JAMES, (there is no fucking way I am calling this little skinny 18 year old pipsqueak "elder") I am kind of busy at the moment. I have a lot of work to do in satan's name"
Now they know I am bullshitting. almost. they're a little scared still. I am sure this will be a mighty story eventually about how they confronted a satanist. it will make for great chat around the punch bowl later.
"what kind of work?"
"you know. evil stuff. devil stuff. spanking, whipping, hot wax, sexual bondage, lesbian training, dildos (I start ramming my hand back and fourth in a dildo ramming motion)....... Hey! where are you going?"
They are headed off the porch quick.
"maybe we'll visit another time"
"it's ok. don't worry. my dark lord will provide! thanks for the visit!"
By then they were halfway down the block.
Haven't heard from them since. that was six months ago.
Note to self: mormons are easily upset at the word "dildo"
I just love those cute litle mormons.
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