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Ds: What is it to you? - 7/22/2006 7:25:08 PM

MistressMelissa

Posts: 226
Joined: 11/21/2004
Status: offline

Greetings, As I read through the various threads, the phrase "life gets in the way of living a 24/7 Ds lifestyle" or something similar about kids and work, catches my attention. I know how I view or define what Ds means to me and I am curious about what it means to other people. Do most people associate Ds with play time? Are most people of the view that if you are not in the dungeon, you can't life the Ds Lifestyle? What does Dominance and submission mean to you? Can you be Ds and not play? Personally, I believe that there is no such thing as a 50/50 relationship. If you put any two people together one of them will take control in some way. If the "s" part of this equation bases their actions upon what the "D" part desires, wants or expects of them, that would establish a power exchange. If how you shop and how you arrange your day is done to be compliant with the rules of the house; have you not submitted? If you by a specific brand because I have asked you to or set the table for diner as I have instructed are you being vanilla or are you living a Ds lifestyle? Yes, life is life, but I would propose its how we live our daily lives, is what makes us Ds. If I take responsibility and provide structure and accountability for not only my own actions, but for all the members of my house, am I being a dominant or just a responsible partner. In many ways you may say its just being a responsible parent or partner, but when my word is accepted as final on any subject in the house, I propose that there is more to it that Ozzie and Harriet. What do you say? MelissaMistress of Ds Havenwww.dshaven.com

Post #: 1

RE: Ds: What is it to you? - 7/22/2006 7:38:36 PM

MrDiscipline44

Posts: 1776
Joined: 1/5/2005
Status: offline

I say you've described D/s as I see it nicely. All I would add is:

quote:

Do most people associate Ds with play time? Are most people of the view that if you are not in the dungeon, you can't life the Ds Lifestyle?

From what I've seen, yes.

quote:

Can you be Ds and not play?

I believe so. I think that if one is to have a relationship, they should concentrate more on that then their kinks. Because the relationship is more then just their kinks.

_____________________________

If you love somebody, you have to be willing to break them.

Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach.

Have you slapped your slave today?

(in reply to MistressMelissa)

Post #: 2

RE: Ds: What is it to you? - 7/22/2006 7:43:23 PM

peta

Posts: 29
Joined: 7/20/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressMelissa

Greetings, As I read through the various threads, the phrase "life gets in the way of living a 24/7 Ds lifestyle" or something similar about kids and work, catches my attention. I know how I view or define what Ds means to me and I am curious about what it means to other people. Do most people associate Ds with play time? Are most people of the view that if you are not in the dungeon, you can't life the Ds Lifestyle? What does Dominance and submission mean to you? Can you be Ds and not play? Personally, I believe that there is no such thing as a 50/50 relationship. If you put any two people together one of them will take control in some way. If the "s" part of this equation bases their actions upon what the "D" part desires, wants or expects of them, that would establish a power exchange. If how you shop and how you arrange your day is done to be compliant with the rules of the house; have you not submitted? If you by a specific brand because I have asked you to or set the table for diner as I have instructed are you being vanilla or are you living a Ds lifestyle? Yes, life is life, but I would propose its how we live our daily lives, is what makes us Ds. If I take responsibility and provide structure and accountability for not only my own actions, but for all the members of my house, am I being a dominant or just a responsible partner. In many ways you may say its just being a responsible parent or partner, but when my word is accepted as final on any subject in the house, I propose that there is more to it that Ozzie and Harriet. What do you say? MelissaMistress of Ds Havenwww.dshaven.com

Very nice post, thank you for sharing it. I am in agreeance with the above poster, there is not much that needs to be added.

Yes, I think many people associate D/s with play time.

and....

Yes, In my opinion there can most certainly be a D/s relationship without the play.

peta

_____________________________

Not trying for the popularity vote

(in reply to MistressMelissa)

Post #: 3

RE: Ds: What is it to you? - 7/22/2006 7:43:31 PM

sublizzie

Posts: 1252
Joined: 5/26/2004
Status: offline

To me D/s is more about the interaction between two (or more) people during their every day life than anything else they do. It's about one (or more) people putting another's (or more) needs above their own, following the rules and requirements and wishes of that one (or more) over their own.

It's intimacy on it's deepest level and giving, from both sides, on very deep levels. It's also what I'm looking for, but it seems difficult to find.

(in reply to MistressMelissa)

Post #: 4

RE: Ds: What is it to you? - 7/22/2006 7:48:34 PM

Rayne58

Posts: 746
Joined: 2/22/2005
From: Sydney Australia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MrDiscipline44

I say you've described D/s as I see it nicely. All I would add is:

quote:

Do most people associate Ds with play time? Are most people of the view that if you are not in the dungeon, you can't life the Ds Lifestyle?
From what I've seen, yes.

quote:

Can you be Ds and not play?
I believe so. I think that if one is to have a relationship, they should concentrate more on that then their kinks. Because the relationship is more then just their kinks.

I have always said that our relationship comes first and the D/s second. The dynamic is always there though, under the surface. There are little things I do every day that reinforce my submission to Him. I serve His meals first, make sure He takes His meds on schedule, remember appointments and get Him there on time, make sure the bills are paid and there's food in the fridge, and generally do the best I can to make His life easier. He will walk past the computer and grab my hair or the back of my neck - instantly makes me feel absolutely HIS

(in reply to MrDiscipline44)

Post #: 5

RE: Ds: What is it to you? - 7/22/2006 7:49:54 PM

enthralled

Posts: 249
Joined: 9/13/2005
From: Nashville, Tn
Status: offline

quote:

Do most people associate Ds with play time?

I can only speak for myself ... but no, play time is play time ... BDSM is what I do, D/s is my state of mind and how I choose to live.

quote:

Are most people of the view that if you are not in the dungeon, you can't life the Ds Lifestyle?

Again, I cant speak for 'most people' ... but I dont believe that to be true. Why would I need a dungeon to validate my identity as a submissive? I am a service submissive. I don't have a dominant so I find other ways to fulfill part of that desire by doing things for other people like cooking dinner, cleaning house, running errands ..... without them even being aware that I'm quenching my submissive thirst to be of service.

quote:

What does Dominance and submission mean to you? Can you be Ds and not play?

I wholeheartedly believe people can be D/s and not play. A perfect example- my grandmother and grandfather .... neither knew anything about the 'lifestyle' or BDSM, but she was a damn near-perfect submissive!

~enthralled

_____________________________

A man never discloses his own character so clearly as when he describes another's.-Jean Paul Richter

(in reply to MistressMelissa)

Post #: 6

RE: Ds: What is it to you? - 7/22/2006 7:55:24 PM

Caretakr

Posts: 1221
Joined: 6/24/2006
Status: offline

D/s is just a structured way of living.

It's not as if it's a new and radical idea, people have done it from the dawn of time.

Only our twisted current culture has made it a "kink".

(in reply to enthralled)

Post #: 7

RE: Ds: What is it to you? - 7/22/2006 8:33:14 PM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressMelissa
As I read through the various threads, the phrase "life gets in the way of living a 24/7 Ds lifestyle" or something similar about kids and work, catches my attention. I know how I view or define what Ds means to me and I am curious about what it means to other people.

ok... I am not sure what your connection of "Life gets in the way of living 24/7 Ds lifestyle" to the point of how you view Ds relationships. Could you clarify?

quote:

Do most people associate Ds with play time? Are most people of the view that if you are not in the dungeon, you can't life the Ds Lifestyle? What does Dominance and submission mean to you? Can you be Ds and not play?

I do believe that many associate Ds "Within" their Playtime. I do believe that many associate playtime (BDSM) with ds. For myself, BDSM is a seperate issue than Ds structured relationships. The two go hand in hand very nicely, but neither requires the other and can be mutually exclusive of the other. As far as what Dominance and submission mean to me... well alot of things but most importantly. For me they are both internally motivated and relate to the interaction dynamics of a relationship.

quote:

Personally, I believe that there is no such thing as a 50/50 relationship. If you put any two people together one of them will take control in some way. If the "s" part of this equation bases their actions upon what the "D" part desires, wants or expects of them, that would establish a power exchange. If how you shop and how you arrange your day is done to be compliant with the rules of the house; have you not submitted? If you by a specific brand because I have asked you to or set the table for diner as I have instructed are you being vanilla or are you living a Ds lifestyle? Yes, life is life, but I would propose its how we live our daily lives, is what makes us Ds. If I take responsibility and provide structure and accountability for not only my own actions, but for all the members of my house, am I being a dominant or just a responsible partner. In many ways you may say its just being a responsible parent or partner, but when my word is accepted as final on any subject in the house, I propose that there is more to it that Ozzie and Harriet.

What do you say?

what I have to say is what you ask here and express is rather subjective for each person and their given relationships. I will state however at the end of the day... WHO has the Authority? That Final Say! Within the aspect of Ds focused relatioships it is rather clear in most cases. In the mainstream society... this final say is often not so clear. Years past that wasn't the case, in this day thou... clearly defined authority within the intimate relationships is becoming less common.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to MistressMelissa)

Post #: 8

RE: Ds: What is it to you? - 7/23/2006 2:17:16 AM

MistressMelissa

Posts: 226
Joined: 11/21/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressMelissa
As I read through the various threads, the phrase "life gets in the way of living a 24/7 Ds lifestyle" or something similar about kids and work, catches my attention. I know how I view or define what Ds means to me and I am curious about what it means to other people.

ok... I am not sure what your connection of "Life gets in the way of living 24/7 Ds lifestyle" to the point of how you view Ds relationships. Could you clarify?

While I've read through different threads, I will read things like "with kids, work and everything else we can't live a 24/7 lifestyle". I often find phrases like "We would like to be 24/7 Ds, but there is just not enough time in the day" or "We can't be 24/7 cause there are kids in the house". It's statements like these that have made me wonder how other people define Ds and if they only associate the kink with living the lifestyle?

Thanks to all that have offered their input.

Melissa
Mistress of Ds Haven
www.dshaven.com

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Post #: 9

RE: Ds: What is it to you? - 7/23/2006 8:13:54 AM

sophia37

Posts: 1433
Joined: 2/7/2006
Status: offline

So what we are really then trying to articulate is, the word "kink" and "vanilla" are simply different words to describe our understanding of who we are.

We are "vanilla", if say during our conversations with people we discuss joe schmoe as being so overbearing or dominating when it comes to how he treats his wife. Or we say, gee wiz, I sure wish Missy/Johnny would stop submitting to his/her bullshit.

But we are purverours of BDSM when we investigate these words, then adopt them to describe ourselves with an understanding of what makes us tick. Its not just words in a conversation. It's ownership of the words. Am I getting it right here?

(in reply to MistressMelissa)

Post #: 10

RE: Ds: What is it to you? - 7/23/2006 8:17:44 AM

JessieMe

Posts: 510
Joined: 6/5/2006
Status: offline

To me, D/s is the interpersonal relationship between two individuals professing to uphold each side of the dynamic. You have one Dominant personality and one submissive personality. I am going to make the assumption that both are self aware and fairly congnizant of how to use these dynamics in their relationship with each other in a non harmful fashion.

Soo.. if we are talking about personalities and relating within the relationship.. what does that have to do with who else is scampering around underfoot?

_____________________________

This is who I am
And this is all I know.
That I must choose to live for all that I can give
The spark that makes the Power grow
<Immortality by Celine Dion>

(in reply to sophia37)

Post #: 11

RE: Ds: What is it to you? - 7/23/2006 8:28:38 AM

mellian

Posts: 211
Joined: 9/6/2004
Status: offline

It is very possible to have D/s relationship despite reallife being in the way, and no it is not always play and games either as it requires alot of work for it to be successful as well. D/s can happen in subtle ways only the Dom/Domme and sub knows about and no one else around them.

One example I ended up without thinking fantasized about this past week after realizing I have been wearing skirts most of the week to work, is lets I am in my mid-twenties and have a good job along with my Domme which is a reallife thing that cannot be ignored, yet the Domme can tell me that I am not to wear pants anymore, with exceptional situations. While to the outside world it is nothing and whatever, to me it is a constant reminder of the dominance of the Domme as over me whenever I wear a skirt afterwards. Despite being nothing sexual, the dominance is also quite turn on, which I had to flush my mind of before I go to work as it can be quite distracting. :p

-mellian

_____________________________

Since my pic link doesn't work, here is my profile:

http://www.collarme.com/bdsm/v/50276/details.htm

(in reply to MistressMelissa)

Post #: 12

RE: Ds: What is it to you? - 7/23/2006 8:51:59 AM

BillsGalSusan

Posts: 69
Joined: 7/18/2006
Status: offline

The one issue that was initially difficult for us to figure out long-term was how to do what we do without other family members coming to believe that how decisions were made in our household was related to gender: that there was women's work or that men were entitled to be the decision makers or ultimate authority in a family. It involved a great deal of behind the scenes (not that scene LOL) discussion and strategy.

Another Susan

(in reply to mellian)

Post #: 13

RE: Ds: What is it to you? - 7/23/2006 9:00:39 AM

mellian

Posts: 211
Joined: 9/6/2004
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I would tell my family to buzz off in they become way to snoopy, yet they learned that they rather not be with my life considering. :p

-mellian

_____________________________

Since my pic link doesn't work, here is my profile:

http://www.collarme.com/bdsm/v/50276/details.htm

(in reply to BillsGalSusan)

Post #: 14

RE: Ds: What is it to you? - 7/23/2006 10:02:13 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressMelissa
Personally, I believe that there is no such thing as a 50/50 relationship. If you put any two people together one of them will take control in some way.

Taking control in some way doesn't mean that you've taken controlin ALL ways nor that you have ultimate authority.

For example, in our new apartment, everyone gets to do what they want with their bedroom. I took over living room and dining room however, I get input and final decision to a group choice. And my other partner took over the kitchen.

How would you describe that? We're all working together. We use our strengths so that everyone gets the best end result.

I agree with your main point- Ds has nothing to do with the actions, but the authority dynamic which can exist at all times.

However, there certainly are relationships which share control and authority on multiple levels.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to MistressMelissa)

Post #: 15

RE: Ds: What is it to you? - 7/23/2006 10:04:18 AM

BillsGalSusan

Posts: 69
Joined: 7/18/2006
Status: offline

Well, in a long term relationship, sometimes you have other family members around for 18 years or so that you just can't tell to buzz off ;)

Another Susan

(in reply to mellian)

Post #: 16

RE: Ds: What is it to you? - 7/23/2006 10:34:46 AM

MrDiscipline44

Posts: 1776
Joined: 1/5/2005
Status: offline

But your relationship is your own to be in. If Bill tells you to "Toddle off and get me a drink, love." he shouldn't have to hide it. If you want to serve him, you shouldn't be worried about who's watching when around your own family. Anytime I take any of my girls around my family, the only thing that changes are the title we call eachother. But then again, we don't consider pulling her across my lap and spnaking her as part of our D/s relationship.

_____________________________

If you love somebody, you have to be willing to break them.

Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach.

Have you slapped your slave today?

(in reply to BillsGalSusan)

Post #: 17

RE: Ds: What is it to you? - 7/23/2006 10:35:23 AM

hizgeorgiapeach

Posts: 1672
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressMelissa

As I read through the various threads, the phrase "life gets in the way of living a 24/7 Ds lifestyle" or something similar about kids and work, catches my attention. I know how I view or define what Ds means to me and I am curious about what it means to other people.

Do most people associate Ds with play time? Are most people of the view that if you are not in the dungeon, you can't life the Ds Lifestyle? What does Dominance and submission mean to you? Can you be Ds and not play

I associate BDSM with play time - bondage discipline sado-masochism. I do not include power exchange dynamics in my definition of BDSM. I never have, and it's doubtful that I'm going to start doing so now, 23 years after the fact.

Yes, people can be "ds" and not participate in "play" such as dungeon activities. The two are not interchangable, although they can (and frequently do) happily coexist in the same relationship.

A "ds/ms" or power exchange dynamic - to me - boils down to unequal control/responcibility issues. Someone either expecting to have all the control or none of it, all of the responcibility or none of it. (Yes, I know - not a view that most here are going to like, or agree with. I don't expect those who enjoy set power exchange dynamics to agree with me. And before any of you get your panties in a knot making assumptions, please refrain from reading more into my statement than is actually present.)

In my case, control and responcibility are shared inside the relationship or the relationship ends. I don't do obedience, I don't expect obedience. Who ultimately has control over any given issue - rather than ALL issues, which neither of us has control over - depends on what the issue is and how both myself and my partner are feeling/looking at that issue at any given time.

_____________________________

Rhi
Light travels faster than sound, which is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Essential Scentsations

(in reply to MistressMelissa)

Post #: 18

RE: Ds: What is it to you? - 7/23/2006 11:16:46 AM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressMelissa
While I've read through different threads, I will read things like "with kids, work and everything else we can't live a 24/7 lifestyle". I often find phrases like "We would like to be 24/7 Ds, but there is just not enough time in the day" or "We can't be 24/7 cause there are kids in the house". It's statements like these that have made me wonder how other people define Ds and if they only associate the kink with living the lifestyle?

Thank you.... I appreciate you explaining your answer and I do agree with you. I find that those reasons you suggest would indicate individuals that define Ds to be a structure that requires activities that are not appropriate in from of young ones or non-consentuals. My own personal Ds structure allows me to incorporate it into my daily life. For example, alandra is responsible to ensure the vehicle is always filled with gas. I don't remember the last time had to take time out of my day to go and fill the vehicle. Each and every time she takes care of this responsibility she is actively demonstrating our Ds structure. Because I don't associate Kink as my Ds, it makes it much easier to incorporate everyday things into the Ds structure.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to MistressMelissa)

Post #: 19

RE: Ds: What is it to you? - 7/23/2006 11:35:35 AM

BillsGalSusan

Posts: 69
Joined: 7/18/2006
Status: offline

quote:

MrDiscipline44

But your relationship is your own to be in. If Bill tells you to "Toddle off and get me a drink, love." he shouldn't have to hide it.

Of course not, and he never did. However, if my 31 year old son believed that because he is a guy he automatically has the right to lord it over women it would mean that we had done a poor job making it clear that good relationships are respectful, caring, and based on the personalities, strengths, weaknesses and preferences of those involved in them. And if my 22 year old daughter were caught up in an abusive relationship, and thought it was OK for her to be abused, it would mean that we had failed her, too.

As we lived our lives as a D/s couple, we needed to keep the fact that what we did could be misinterpreted and guard against that. Here's an example of the tiny little everyday situations, that can, over time, be (mis)interpreted in a strange sort of way.

Yesterday, Bill and I went to Home Depot. After following Bill around as he debated with the guys in orange about the best way to do something, I said I'd liked to go look at the BBQ stuff. He said I could go to that, and that I should stay there and he'd come find me. It took me 30 seconds to figure out that they didn't have what I wanted, and I then stood in the BBQ department for 15 minutes waiting for Bill to collect me from there. There is nothing particularly odd about that given the nature of our relationship.But when that kind of thing happens over and over again, people who do not understand the context (and mebbe shouldn't) might reach the mistaken conclusion that I am a doormat or stupid or that it is a woman's lot in life. None of these things are true.

I know this is still not completely clear, but given board rules, it is the best I can do.

Another Susan

.

< Message edited by BillsGalSusan -- 7/23/2006 11:38:16 AM >

(in reply to hizgeorgiapeach)

Post #: 20

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