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Vanilla Dating - 7/22/2006 3:33:03 AM   
ClassAct2006


Posts: 318
Joined: 4/12/2006
Status: offline 		I'm conventional, conservative, normal, old fashioned,  but have always been submissive in all relationships including my most of my marriage and I constantly veer between vanilla dating because I meet there men "like me", suitable long term life partners with families, careers, normal life in London, same interests, hobbies etc and seeking a dominant man. The men I've been out with since I divorced have wonderfully bridged the two but it's like seeking a needle in a hay stack. As soon as I see inherent controlling male dominance it's as clear as anything. If it's not there, it can't be created, not in the way I need it, in the way a man has to want to control and take power, rather than simply doing it because he knows I want it. So then I decided to merge the two by using "submissive" in my vanilla profiles and mentioning it in early emails with men from those sites and I've met a few and had some dates but I think the conculsion I've reached, given that I don't need a man for money, or family (had mine) or any of those traditional things that I couldn't compromise on needing someone dominant. After a vanilla date last night, I think I've made up my mind (not to give up on vanilla sites - because some dominant men lurk there) but not to date anyone who says he might be able to become dominant; only to meet those with experience because if you've reached my sort of age - 40s - and never practised dominance it can hardly be very inherent in you. I was feeling submissive when I was very young and never been anything else in any relationship ever with any man.  If someone is just after what I term "kinky sex" then a man who can turn that on to play around with would do. However if you need someone who will always and easily dominate in the whole of the relationship in the kind of takeinhand style I like then I think the "worm can't turn" and however suitable on paper Mr Potential Right might be, it's a hopeless cause and I am misleading him/them, wasting their time, building up their hopes unfairly.

Okay, just need to go and work on my D/S DNA testing kit. Somehow have to get to work on pheremones or by catching the breath of dominant men as I go past them which will vibrate the special device I design..... or use my natural submissive radar to look for the subtle dominance signals one finds.

Anyone else had any luck when dating vanilla men/women?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Vanilla Dating - 7/22/2006 3:55:31 AM   
sophia37


Posts: 1433
Joined: 2/7/2006
Status: offline 		What you didnt say was how long you've been looking and how many men you've met so far. Obviously there will be different schools of thought on this, depending upon the length of time you've been out there on your mission. If you've just started, the replies will mostly tell you to keep looking. If this is year number 5, you'll probably have people tell you to rethink what you're doing.

I for one married a dominant man. And regretted it ever after. I found out pretty fast that just becuse they are dominent, doesnt mean you'll find the man of your dreams. My dominant man's got no give to his nature. Its his way or the highway. Thank you no thank you. Strength without leadership skills is a problem.

So I would say what with my bad experience, that buyer beware. Others here  I'm sure, have had better success and will give you some good news.

(in reply to ClassAct2006)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Vanilla Dating - 7/22/2006 5:03:44 AM   
eruditegirl1


Posts: 175
Joined: 5/9/2006
From: Nevada
Status: offline
My introduction into BDSM was actually through a Vanilla dating site...the man I had been dating brought it up to me one night while he was on tour.....I had no idea what is really was until then....I had made a comment about pulling my hair to him....and he said...he'd been meaning to talk to me about that....lol....that is what started me researching about BDSM...it was like a whole new part of me was awaken....but due to circumstances....we split up....After him.... I had started dating another man while I was researching....from the same Vanilla site....very Vanilla guy....after we had been dating 2 months...I approached him about tying me up and such...he was so not Dominant...a control freak to an extent but not a Dom...he tried so hard to be Dom...but it just wasn't inside him....so I broke it off with him too....I view both of my dating site experiences as positive....both men were awesome...and I had a lot of fun too....if I was single...I would go back on the site....but just as you have done...I'd put in a few key words to attract the right men....

(in reply to ClassAct2006)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Vanilla Dating - 7/22/2006 5:33:33 AM   
sublizzie


Posts: 1252
Joined: 5/26/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sophia37

What you didnt say was how long you've been looking and how many men you've met so far. Obviously there will be different schools of thought on this, depending upon the length of time you've been out there on your mission. If you've just started, the replies will mostly tell you to keep looking. If this is year number 5, you'll probably have people tell you to rethink what you're doing.

I for one married a dominant man. And regretted it ever after. I found out pretty fast that just becuse they are dominent, doesnt mean you'll find the man of your dreams. My dominant man's got no give to his nature. Its his way or the highway. Thank you no thank you. Strength without leadership skills is a problem.

So I would say what with my bad experience, that buyer beware. Others here  I'm sure, have had better success and will give you some good news.



A dominant person and a domineering person are two totally different animals. Sounds like you were married to a domineering person, not a dominant one. The domineering types give dominance a bad name.

A dominant person can want their own way (duh!!) but they find a way to get people climb on their bandwagon with them about it. People will follow a dominant person's lead because it makes sense. A domineering person will use fear, manipulation, and intimidation to get their own way. There's a big difference.

My ex-mother-in-law was a domineering person. My ex-husband was abusive. I understand the difference between someone who is dominant and someone who is domineering and someone who is abusive. Give me a dominant any day. In fact, I *am* looking......!!

(in reply to sophia37)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Vanilla Dating - 7/22/2006 7:18:46 AM   
ClassAct2006


Posts: 318
Joined: 4/12/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sophia37

What you didnt say was how long you've been looking and how many men you've met so far. Obviously there will be different schools of thought on this, depending upon the length of time you've been out there on your mission. If you've just started, the replies will mostly tell you to keep looking. If this is year number 5, you'll probably have people tell you to rethink what you're doing.

I for one married a dominant man. And regretted it ever after. I found out pretty fast that just becuse they are dominent, doesnt mean you'll find the man of your dreams. My dominant man's got no give to his nature. Its his way or the highway. Thank you no thank you. Strength without leadership skills is a problem.

So I would say what with my bad experience, that buyer beware. Others here  I'm sure, have had better success and will give you some good news.


I knew what I wanted when I was very young. I was leading my then husband into sex shops to buy spanking magazines when I was still a virgin so there's never been any "conversion on the road to Damascus I am a  sub" moment. Then I was married for 19 years and divorced 3 years ago. In the 2 years I've been looking I've had good experience with a couple of boyfriends. I've met lots of men over coffee, at a guess about 40 and rejected virtually all of them. I hope I can tell the difference between dominant and domineering.

eruditeg, that's very helpful. I don't want to waste those two months or whatever you did which is why I had such a useful conversation with Man X last night when we met again and I'm now convinced you can't fake or put it on, not the inherent dominance I have always needed. The men who have it don't fake anything. It's second (or even first) nature just as my submission is. Since I started a bit of vanilla dating I've been told to get psychiatric help, told I must have been abused (I had a lovely childhood and felt submissive from at least 5), and most of all just not understood. I use the word submissive. I say if you don't understand what that means don't email. Then I get the emails so I point it out and they say oh, thought you just meant kind of surrendered wife/man in charge stuff, nothing heavier, I could never hurt a woman etc. So now I've changed them, if they let it through to say "in the D/S sense".

 I don't think even if Mr Right in 99% of ways is right but he isn't dominant,  I can accept it. I almost don't know how to behave with a non-dominant man. When I'm with someone dominant it's so easy, peaceful almost, to be accepted for someone to like acquiescence, compliance, passivity. it is as if I were a gay man, had tried dating women and then suddenly started to date men and the difference becomes clear. You never go back. Dating a vanilla man for me is a bit like being platonic friends with gay men I know. Okay convinced myself....

(in reply to sophia37)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Vanilla Dating - 7/22/2006 7:41:04 AM   
pissdoll


Posts: 343
Joined: 5/25/2005
Status: offline 		i have met men on vanilla sites who are more dominant than most of the men i have met off of bdsm sites.  it really just depends on the person.
in one case, i began corresponding with a man off of a rants & raves section of an online comunity and we chatted for a few months about life and ourselves.  nothing whatsoever about our sexual proclivities.  Until the week we decided to meet and he made the comment, "I am a dominant man."
Oh, ARE you???
He turned out to be more in tune with me than any other man i have ever met, and did some things to my body and mind that still make me blush.
So keep your profile on your "vanilla" sites.  And keep a few code words in them that don't label you as freaky, but will ring a bell for a man looking for what you are.  Because they are there!!!

(in reply to ClassAct2006)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Vanilla Dating - 7/22/2006 8:03:40 AM   
BillsGalSusan


Posts: 69
Joined: 7/18/2006
Status: offline 		I'm pretty sure that D/s and BDSM have been around practically forever, and it is easy to forget that until fairly recently, there were no special places to search for partners who shared our particular proclivities.That being said, many of us did find each other, even those of us who didn't have the language to label what we liked or needed as being D/s.

Bill and I met in 1970, when there were really no BDSM or D/s locales--in the "real" world or any place virtual (the 'net wasn't around back there, yanno). I'm pretty sure we recognized each other without having labels attached to us because we had that whole vibe thing going on that is so useful (yet, so often misleading). Bill just told me he knew he was "kinky". I just felt weird and out of step with the "modern" world, where women were just really beginning to talk seriously about equality and liberation.

Another Susan

(in reply to pissdoll)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Vanilla Dating - 7/22/2006 8:21:27 AM   
Hohoho


Posts: 135
Joined: 3/18/2005
Status: offline 		I will relate one success. I met my friend at a vanilla dating website. We'd chatted for a while before mentioning anything relating to BDSM. Lo and behold, he expressed his dominant ambitions as I my sumissive ones. It took about two years for us to finally decide to meet. Still relative newbies, we now share information with each other and enjoy each others company, be it bdsm related or outings with our kids. 

< Message edited by Hohoho -- 7/22/2006 8:23:03 AM >

_____________________________

"Official Kilt Inspector"

(in reply to ClassAct2006)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Vanilla Dating - 7/22/2006 9:44:10 AM   
ClassAct2006


Posts: 318
Joined: 4/12/2006
Status: offline 		The most dominant man I ever met I got in touch with via a work/professional site, nothing to do with dating/sex or anything. I suppose you just spread your net wide. Can't decide whether to cancel date with second vanilla man next week after last night's experience though. Sometimes it's good to be taken out, dress up, wear heels, look good, be desired...

(in reply to Hohoho)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Vanilla Dating - 7/22/2006 10:37:41 AM   
SexyRed


Posts: 529
Joined: 8/19/2004
Status: offline 		I find that if I give any indication of my BDSM on vanilla dating sites, I attract only those who want kinky sex or who think I am just looking for sex in general.

I have also found an overwhelming amount of men who are submissive on vanilla sites who approach me and ask if I will switch.

_____________________________

A trucker will slow down for a blonde, stop for a brunette, but back up 500 yards for a redhead!


(in reply to ClassAct2006)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Vanilla Dating - 7/22/2006 12:33:48 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		It can certainly work- people into authority dynamics certainly are also on vanilla dating sites.

Just don't make the mistake of thinking dominant type personality will equate to "right dominant orientation for me."  If you are also into kink, I'd be sure to bring that out fairly early in the dating process as well.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to ClassAct2006)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Vanilla Dating - 7/22/2006 12:46:46 PM   
caitlyn


Posts: 3473
Joined: 12/22/2004
Status: offline 		I guess it depends on if you are looking for someone that will fill the role of mental/emotional dominant, or just someone that will tie you up, spank you, and play S&M games with you.
 
My experience is that you can talk about 95% of all men into the latter, if that gets them in your pants. If that's not working, try frat boys. That works 100% of the time.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Vanilla Dating - 7/22/2006 1:17:44 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

It can certainly work- people into authority dynamics certainly are also on vanilla dating sites.

Just don't make the mistake of thinking dominant type personality will equate to "right dominant orientation for me."  If you are also into kink, I'd be sure to bring that out fairly early in the dating process as well.


Absolutely spot on, it gets more uncomfortable to bring out your toys and kinks the longer you hide them under the bed. I wouldn't have sex with someone unless they knew of my submissive ways, it is only being honest after all.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Vanilla Dating - 7/22/2006 4:56:23 PM   
popeye1250


Posts: 18104
Joined: 1/27/2006
From: New Hampshire
Status: offline 		I met a woman on the y dating site one time and we went out a few times and had sex together. Funny thing though, she actually liked to be spanked but when I mentioned tieing her to the bed she wouldn't have any part of it!  "Oh no! That's just too weird!"
Takes all kinds I guess.

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Vanilla Dating - 7/22/2006 8:20:00 PM   
Dollbecky


Posts: 197
Joined: 10/22/2005
Status: offline 		My rule for dating is "be yourself" ...its always worked for me after all if you are a conservitive submissive women ..let people see that..
I have meet all my BDSM partners in vanilla settings ...I just am myself and ...the right people  have always picked up on it ..

(in reply to popeye1250)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Vanilla Dating - 7/23/2006 4:05:49 PM   
ClassAct2006


Posts: 318
Joined: 4/12/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

It can certainly work- people into authority dynamics certainly are also on vanilla dating sites.

Just don't make the mistake of thinking dominant type personality will equate to "right dominant orientation for me."  If you are also into kink, I'd be sure to bring that out fairly early in the dating process as well.


Absolutely spot on, it gets more uncomfortable to bring out your toys and kinks the longer you hide them under the bed. I wouldn't have sex with someone unless they knew of my submissive ways, it is only being honest after all.


That's why I mention it up front but as said above it does tend to make vanilla men think you're after sex..  I suppose they email women on line who want marriage and then they find someone who might just want some kinky sex or so it appears to the man, so they home in on that.

Right dominant orientation for me is the key for me.A friend gave me some useful wording I've lost but a few key questions - have you ever controlled a woman through orders and instructions to her? That kind of thing. The point is they have to need to want to do that, to be aroused by it, not just doing it to please me. I can see the right kind of dominance when I find it so I know it's out there and it's great when I've had it.

I also get a lot of submissive men who are finding it so hard to find a woman to dominate them and they think just because you're "kink" you can change but I am so fundamentally submissive that no way would I ever alter.

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 16
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