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H2Otigre -> HELP/advice: wife not playing... (7/15/2006 1:52:18 PM)
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Hi All,
Question for honest, truly helpful feedback: A couple years ago I was getting very close to exploring a true D/s relationship. We all have all kinds of fantasies, but I really identified with the dominant side of an "alt" type of relationship. Then, quite out of the blue, writes a delicious blond morsel from [far away country]. We chat and email and email and chat and things get pretty HOT. Then we start sharing fantasies, etc. I tell her, somewhat bashfully, that my fantasy is to have a slave. She's quiet, but non critical. And while not offering to be one to me :~( (lol), she does not cringe, either. Even after sending her some links to D/s BDSM and "taken in hand" sites, she responds positively, actually, but also discloses some fears. While I was somewhat flexible (it takes two to tango), I was very clear about what sort of relationship I wanted. She responded positively to many shared stories, my own and those of other, of domination and submission. She expressed arousal... a good sign, I thought. I should say that I'd had some, if very limited, experience with dominating a woman sexually. And she'd had none (being dominated).
So, after some months of calls, daily IM and emails, we soon met face to face, first me visiting her, then her me, and ... I tried some things out on her, one at a time, testing the juicy waters of "kink" (well, for us at least). All was well... except to my mild, yet hardly deal-breaking dissapointment, she has no real taste (none expressed) for bondage and/or pain arousal at any level. Meanwhile, our love relationship grew... and I can say that she is pretty submissive in the bedroom. Nothing major but, for example I do, and she likes me to, hold her head and hair, applying motion and gentle force, while she's going down on me. I tried pulling her hair once, when behind her, but no luck.... I do spank her, though not hard (I'm coming to the question... set-up is helpful for context).
So last Feb. we got married. She'd moved here to be with me from [non US country] so, while neither of us felt compelled, it was somewhat necessary on a practicle level, for her continued stay (visa ran out, wants to work, etc.). Cut to July: now she getting to be a real pain in the ass. The proverbial honeymoon is OVER and she is less and less submissive by the week. It really is a total dissapointment. I WAS SO CLEAR! This morning (7/15) she declared "I don't like anyone telling me what to do."
Okay... so my question is: What to do when you're an inexperienced Dom, doing your best to keep your previously submissive (if not very...) wife in check, but she simply won't play along and, in fact, I am totally commited to her and our marriage?
Please, only sincere, experienced and helpful suggestions.
Dr. Warren, if you would, perhaps, please chime in as I'd read and respected your Loving Dom. book.
PS. She has declared that she'll give me a blowjob anytime I want, and it has so far stuck to her word. She has also said she loved the idea that I can fuck her any time I want, anywhere. She does like it when I call her a slut, etc. (even asking me to), durring "vanilla" sex. So perhaps all it not lost on the sexual front. But on the field of interpersonal communications, she's a royal pain in the ass now. The main problem is of over interpritation (assigning criticism where none was stated or intended). Her problem appears mainly to revolve around trust... I did date someone else just as our long-distance relationship was forming (so did she...), and now she's using it as some sort of excuse not to trust and commit and submit, as agreed. And by the way I am totally faithful, commited, I don't lie, beat, cheat, drink, wink, NOTHING! Nor does she. We're both honest folks doing our best to make a good go of it. I do all I can as her husband, elder (12 years dif.) and Man to steer her in the right direction, but.... We need some major intervention, else our marriage will almost surely fail (never mind become a family). It's serious. I'm a good sort, really; extremely well read, overly traveled, patient, kind and strong Man. I am human, too, and can, with persistant effort, be provoked to anger (and the full range of human emotion). But I can not, however, suffer a fool forever. I am not a hitter or hater... can nothing be done to get her in line?
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