Newbie's Guide and advice

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

Newbie's Guide and advice

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Newbie's Guide and advice

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

Newbie's Guide and advice - 7/12/2006 12:46:54 AM

JalenJade

Posts: 2
Joined: 3/30/2005
Status: offline

I know there's several topics where separate issues seem to be addressed, but I'm surprised that I can't find one topic that helps to dispel the myths, and tell the newbies what's what. (Or if there is I can't find it..) I for one think that tapping into this knowledge could be very beneficial for those who stumble upon here and arn't sure what they're doing but are afraid to ask. (Possibly due to previous experiences, or other forums)

I don't want this to turn into a debate so I won't ask for definitions of terms, since that appears to be a subject of great debate. But something more along the lines of what the lifestyle is all about, break the pre-conceived notions and such. (I'm repeating myself I think...)

Post #: 1

RE: Newbie's Guide and advice - 7/12/2006 1:07:26 AM

BitaTruble

Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline

Myths:

BDSM is all about sex. (It can be for some, that's not universal.)

BDSM draws affluent people. (BDSM draw rich, poor and everyone in between.)

BDSM folks are more tolerant than non BDSM folks (Some are, some aren't, just like any other lifestyle choice.)

BDSM folks are accepting of everyone else's kink (Again, some folks are, some aren't.)

Submissives are always respectful to dominants (Some are, some aren't. Some feel respect is earned, some feel respect is given until proven undeserved.)

Dominants are entitled to submission just because they are dominants (Dominants are only entitled to submission by those with whom they have an agreement to do so.)

OK, that's my quota, so I'll make room for the next myth buster. ::grins:: Welcome to the forums.

Celeste

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."

(in reply to JalenJade)

Post #: 2

RE: Newbie's Guide and advice - 7/12/2006 1:35:51 AM

SusanofO

Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline

I am a newbie, too - am wondering when you'll hear something akin to:

"I don't use a safeword" - or, "You don't need a safeword" - or - "No respectable submissive uses a safeword". My advice (unsolicited and biased, I admit): Ignore this. Please nobody flame me - I am just a paranoid, little, wimpie-poo person.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 7/12/2006 1:36:19 AM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to JalenJade)

Post #: 3

RE: Newbie's Guide and advice - 7/12/2006 1:42:29 AM

diaphane

Posts: 24
Joined: 9/5/2005
Status: offline

Well, I hope it's okay to mention another site but one place I always found great for finding good information on the lifestyle is http://www.castlerealm.com , enter the site and go to the Library and scroll down for lots of articles written by people in the lifestyle. Of course there are also lots of other places to go on that site as well besides just the Library. =)

Otherwise, I'm still pretty much a newbie myself.

(in reply to JalenJade)

Post #: 4

RE: Newbie's Guide and advice - 7/12/2006 1:50:21 AM

litleone8620

Posts: 3669
Joined: 6/12/2006
Status: offline

You'll also hear a lot of: "I have no limits". This should also be ignored.

Celeste did a good job of dispelling the most common myths about BDSM.

How a person breaks down the lifesyle is pure opinion. For one person, it could be all about kinky sex, the next it could be about relinquishing all control.

You're going to get a lot of opinions here about it (i think), i hope you're prepare.

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 5

RE: Newbie's Guide and advice - 7/12/2006 1:53:18 AM

SusanofO

Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline

I love the lines I've read here that people will use to disabuse someone of the delusion that they have no limits.

"No limits? Okay, I order you to stop breathing!" Hahahahaha.

- Susan

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to litleone8620)

Post #: 6

RE: Newbie's Guide and advice - 7/12/2006 2:05:29 AM

irishbynature

Posts: 551
Joined: 5/11/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: JalenJade

I know there's several topics where separate issues seem to be addressed, but I'm surprised that I can't find one topic that helps to dispel the myths, and tell the newbies what's what. (Or if there is I can't find it..) I for one think that tapping into this knowledge could be very beneficial for those who stumble upon here and arn't sure what they're doing but are afraid to ask. (Possibly due to previous experiences, or other forums)

I don't want this to turn into a debate so I won't ask for definitions of terms, since that appears to be a subject of great debate. But something more along the lines of what the lifestyle is all about, break the pre-conceived notions and such. (I'm repeating myself I think...)

Many of the newbies (like myself) ask questions and receive a great variety of answers. Also, some will post some archives that help as well. Most of the folks here who've been on a while are very informative.

_____________________________

What seems nasty, painful, or evil, can become a source of beauty, joy, and strength, for those who have the vision to recognize it as such. Henry Miller

(in reply to JalenJade)

Post #: 7

RE: Newbie's Guide and advice - 7/12/2006 2:13:08 AM

DoctorDubious

Posts: 267
Joined: 6/24/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: JalenJade

I know there's several topics where separate issues seem to be addressed, but I'm surprised that I can't find one topic that

helps to dispel the myths, and tell the newbies what's what.

(Or if there is I can't find it..) I for one think that tapping into this knowledge could be very beneficial for those who stumble upon here and arn't sure what they're doing but are afraid to ask. (Possibly due to previous experiences, or other forums)

I don't want this to turn into a debate so I won't ask for definitions of terms, since that appears to be a subject of great debate. But something more along the lines of what the lifestyle is all about, break the pre-conceived notions and such. (I'm repeating myself I think...)

Hey all,

Sometimes I want to write a million words,
and other times, I try, try try, to say it short and simple...

but what Mary Oliver writes below is not newbie stuff,
it is, for me, one of the great lessons of life,
that I keep trying to remember, time after time...
each time, perhaps, just a little better...

>>helps to dispel the myths, and tell the newbies what's what.

You do not have to be good.

You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.

You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.

http://www.collarchat.com/tm.asp?m=464300&mpage=2&key=&#471669

DD, a forgetful old goat...

(in reply to JalenJade)

Post #: 8

RE: Newbie's Guide and advice - 7/12/2006 2:16:13 AM

litleone8620

Posts: 3669
Joined: 6/12/2006
Status: offline

Go to CastleRealm. That is one of the best resources you can use when you're just starting out. I was thinking about that website, but couldn't remember what it was.

Excellent idea, diphane.

(in reply to DoctorDubious)

Post #: 9

RE: Newbie's Guide and advice - 7/12/2006 3:12:12 AM

shivvy

Posts: 746
Joined: 3/25/2006
From: Ireland, living in Kent, England.
Status: offline

i think the best advice i can give is just be honest. be honest with yourself, and be honest with any potential partner.

don't be afraid to ask questions. and if you don't understand the answer... don't be afraid to ask

some other websites you might find interesting, in no particular order (other than this woz the order i collected them in):

http://www.saroftreve.com/workshop/index.htm
http://www.fetishengine.com/
http://english.literotica.com:81/stories/showstory.php?id=70721
http://groups.msn.com/IronBearsCave/welcometomycave.msnw
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/BDSM
http://www.jahsonic.com/SMHistory.html
http://submissive1.homestead.com/subcreed.html
http://www.submissiveloving.com/femsub.html

i wish you luck on your journey hun.

take care.

luv,

shiv
xx

_____________________________

(¯`v´¯)
`*.¸.*´
¸.•´¸.•*¨) ¸.•*¨)
(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•.εΐз¸¸.·*´¯`v´¯`*·.¸¸ـ εΐз ~*luv shivvy*~ ـ εΐз

xxx
Owned and collared by SavageFaerie and Master P

(in reply to litleone8620)

Post #: 10

RE: Newbie's Guide and advice - 7/12/2006 3:37:20 AM

swtnsparkling

Posts: 1738
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

IMO CastleRealm. is not that great of a site. But to each their own. I would suggest Steel-door.com ( steels private chamber) there are articles on just about every question one would ask.

_____________________________

Never make anyone a priority who treats you as an option 2003

Walk in Peace

A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better than a "Yes" uttered merely to please

(in reply to litleone8620)

Post #: 11

RE: Newbie's Guide and advice - 7/12/2006 3:39:05 AM

bandit25

Posts: 3029
Joined: 6/18/2005
Status: offline

Anyone who wrote the guide would be biased and present only his/her opinion on bdsm. I agree with littleone (see? your posts DO get commented upon). It's how you and your partner(s) define it. Ask questions, read, but ultimately, only you can say what bdsm is for you.

(in reply to shivvy)

Post #: 12

RE: Newbie's Guide and advice - 7/12/2006 4:03:04 AM

lapgirl

Posts: 116
Joined: 1/5/2006
Status: offline

My first readings were at CastleRealm, and it was a great place to start. But, i have to say.... i have found the various forums here to be extremely helpful. They are full of real life situations, issues and problems and how others have coped or not coped. I have really enjoyed this site since signing up! My profile has received a lot of attention as well.

(in reply to bandit25)

Post #: 13

RE: Newbie's Guide and advice - 7/12/2006 4:25:55 AM

IronBear

Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline

BDSM is a Lifestyle (It is for some and for others it is a weekend game with or without sex. All varies from person to person)

RULES: There is no written rule book. However when in doubt don't. Play safe and find responsible and knowlegable people to learn from

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to lapgirl)

Post #: 14

RE: Newbie's Guide and advice - 7/12/2006 5:22:42 AM

CrappyDom

Posts: 1883
Joined: 4/11/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline

I suggest turning off your computer and having nothing to do with any bdsm site on the net that posts articles as 98% of what they post is crap. Castle Realm is so full of shit they should call it the Compost Realm.

I think anyone new to whatever it is we do should be tied down and gagged and forced to read The Ethical Slut, The Bottoming Book, and Consensual Sadomasochism and only then should their keyboard be handed back to them.

(in reply to IronBear)

Post #: 15

RE: Newbie's Guide and advice - 7/12/2006 5:41:53 AM

mistoferin

Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline

I'm with CD on the CastleRealm thing....talk about a load of fluffy, overly romantacized crap. CastleRealm is about as close to the reality of this lifestyle as Harlequin romance novels are.

Being new to this lifestyle the thing to keep in mind is that you should not get caught up in the "newness" and retain all of your common sense. You are not going to find a better class of people here than you will find anywhere else in life. This is a repost of a post that I made a few months back:

quote:

Often times those who are newer to this lifestyle will have a warped view of what they can expect to find here. I have to assume that there are some people out there who are spreading these myths.
"People in the lifestyle understand themselves better", "People in the lifestyle are more accepting.", etc., etc...

One of the most damaging that I see commonly is that somewhere there is a message being sent that people here, especially Dominants, have higher levels of morals, ethics, integrity and honesty.

New submissives are frequently told by Dominants about the importance of placing their trust in them....and of course because they have been told that Dominants are some superior species they blindly buy into that BS and the end result is often times disastrous.

I think that it is important that when we are speaking with someone who is new, that we need to convey to them that this lifestyle is not far removed from the rest of the world. Yes, the beaches may indeed be appealing but there are sharks in the water. No different than any other beach.

We are not proportionately more honest, more morally or ethically superior...or have more integrity than the rest of the world. Reality....I know....it sucks.....

The rest of that thread, if it interests you, can be found at:
http://www.collarchat.com/tm.asp?m=401184

I also think that things such as "safewords will keep you safe", "submissives need protection", and "no limits" are myths.

These are my personal opinions and I am sure there are many out there who don't agree....but I will say that they are opinions that I have formed through trial and error over the last 28 years and they work for me...so I think I'll keep em.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to CrappyDom)

Post #: 16

RE: Newbie's Guide and advice - 7/12/2006 5:59:57 AM

CrappyDom

Posts: 1883
Joined: 4/11/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline

There are people who run groups who act like assholes, users, shitheads, jerks. There are people in groups who do the same, there are teachers and mentors who do the same.

I am NOT saying everyone is that way, the point is, as Erin says, keep your common sense with you, watch and listen and form your own judgements of people and ignore whatever badge they wear, whether it be one of office or stature or orientation.

I myself have broken too many hearts, done more than a bit of emotional manipulation and broken promises and I bet if you ask any of the more experienced people here they will tell you the same thing. I AM better at it but I am far from perfect.

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 17

RE: Newbie's Guide and advice - 7/12/2006 6:05:56 AM

CrappyDom

Posts: 1883
Joined: 4/11/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline

A word on safewords.

They are great to use for two people new to this and exploring things, "hey RED, that hurts too much" or "I am starting to feel TOO used, RED"... etc.

They are also useful if playing with someone you don't know IF they give a rats ass about you. In other words, if you are already in safe hands, safewords are useful but redundant. If you are in unsafe hands, they are useless unless you are playing at a public event in which case just screaming for help will work just as well.

They will NOT keep you safe when meeting strangers and playing in private. They are not a sign of who is and isn't a "safe" dominant. They are just words.

(in reply to CrappyDom)

Post #: 18

RE: Newbie's Guide and advice - 7/12/2006 6:08:04 AM

sophia37

Posts: 1433
Joined: 2/7/2006
Status: offline

So the answer is, keep reading here and elsewhere, ask questions and live your life. It takes a lifetime to understand but a small fraction of what there is in the world. No one is ever a complete master. We are but students all.

(in reply to CrappyDom)

Post #: 19

RE: Newbie's Guide and advice - 7/12/2006 6:27:22 AM

twicehappy

Posts: 2706
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

Best advice;

Question everything!

Research anything before you try it.

Read a lot.

_____________________________

Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations.

The human heart is not a finite container but an ever expanding universe with all the stars contained there in.

(in reply to JalenJade)

Post #: 20

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Newbie's Guide and advice

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.078