pain vs tenderness

pain vs tenderness (Full Version)

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OTKkindaGirl -> pain vs tenderness (7/11/2006 9:24:02 PM)
inspired from a different thread. speaking as a masochist who actually enjoys pain, i rarely cry during a scene. in the past if i was left to myself after a scene, i would cry but it wasn't a completely satisfying type of cry that would give me full release. now in the hands of a caring Sadist, if i am shown the least bit of tenderness at all from my Master i cry faster and harder than if i was left to myself. i don't like to cry but the need and desire is there when any kind of tenderness is lavished upon me. dare i say that tenderness hurts me more than pain. i am trying to figure this out, what am i mourning about because that is what it feels like. a deep sorrowful mourning that seems almost inconsolable. i am a bit embarrassed when this happens because normally i don't sob, i just weep quietly. does anybody relate to this?

Driver1961 -> RE: pain vs tenderness (7/11/2006 9:42:01 PM)
He enters dips His lid, This seems to be part of your healing? Memories that you are not letting out or extracting to your conciousness to actually heal? Are you spacey or spacing when this happens? There can be mournful tears for a recognition that something is joyous when you have been told it is (for want of a better word that escapes me atm) sinful. How much of your past have you reconciled to your current? The answers to my queries may be more relevant off thread?...

jamesthehumanrug -> RE: pain vs tenderness (7/11/2006 9:42:35 PM)
greetings, otk i cried ONCE.... when i was so frustrated i thot i invented blue -bawls ;she was trickling the s and m treatment ,and, i ,just broke ;feeling mourning for myself; like i have to be a masochist; and have no choice but to hope ;wait; aquire the "specialist" who knows how to deliver ....so....i felt deeply bad ,about myself,in that moment she was over me and it came like a waterfall for no reason;i was embarrassed cause i looked like maybe i was frustrated and she was so good or something.....not good gossip for my rep;esp notes to other mistresses vanilla wise and gay wise;i had girls hanging on my ankles ,and a flock of girls awaitng a relationship ;i was never alone ;never without involvement for a day ,i had to sneak out bathroom windows in the bars ;i could always say no ,(and enjoyed it too cause vanilla females were passive/do me kinda girls, to me)and, i had to run ,to go home alone;vanilla bored me to tears;but, this one time;i figured myself out ,in that bedtime moment, and, cried for myself;i guess. i couldnt get enuff ,or....maybe , i knew i'd never be completely satisfied ,as a masochist;no one really satisfying as far as permanant or lasting by my high standards or choice ...AT THAT TIME....;i dont know,BUT, ,thats as far as i can figure ,and, i cried ONCE!....,that's all....,and,yes: I WAS very EMBARRASSED. Otherwise: , to me ; ....you cry.... it, just means you have to start all over again , and, no-thankyou!, i'll let you know.

mstrj69 -> RE: pain vs tenderness (7/11/2006 9:46:50 PM)
From a psychological point of view, I would say ypu feel you are not worthy and are not good enough for anyone to care that much about you. aka low self esteem. Your Master, be he a sadist or not still thinks you are very valuable and very deserving of his emotion and caring about you or he would not be sadistic with you or have you as his. If you want to break yourself, realize you could be hurting him every time you cry and reject his actions.

MasterFireMaam -> RE: pain vs tenderness (7/11/2006 9:51:32 PM)
Yep. It's this way with me and sacred sex (sex that I feel is spiritually based). When I have this kind of sex, its a total cathartic experience. But, even still, I only open up to it with certain people. I'm lucky to have someone like this in my life at the moment. Master Fire

OTKkindaGirl -> RE: pain vs tenderness (7/11/2006 10:13:27 PM)
thank you Driver, funny that you should mention healing and memories. i honestly thought i had reconciled my past with my present years ago. Master tells me that i battle with my subconscious in a fierce way though i myself, don't understand how, it's not like i rebel against him but within myself and my own emotions and i don't do it intentionally. you ask if i am spacey (by this i assume that you mean while coming out of subspace) during such times, i would answer half the time, yes. on the flip side, positive attention given to me unexpected, brings me to tears. tenderness, caressing, it's difficult for me to explain, it almost feels like a lie that i am not willing to accept. i mean i know that i am worthy of tenderness, kindness, consideration, and caressing but why do these things cause my heart to ache... i would much rather endure a beating and think that it is more positive than these other emotions?

OTKkindaGirl -> RE: pain vs tenderness (7/11/2006 10:34:04 PM)
thank you mstrj, it isn't that i don't think that i am not worthy.... i know that i have a lot to offer. i love easily, always have and most likely always will. i know that love is difficult to find and easy to lose too. i don't have expectations of being loved but that doesn't mean i find myself unworthy of it, afraid perhaps but not unworthy. better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.... edited to add; i do try to keep in mind at all times how my tears effect my Master just sometimes he pulls them from me, unbidden. i usually keep a tight reign on my emotions otherwise. i don't cry all the time or everytime.

OTKkindaGirl -> RE: pain vs tenderness (7/11/2006 10:48:57 PM)
thank you james for sharing your experience. i totally understand and can relate to what you have said. i can be with anybody.... i just choose not to be and yes the vanilla world bores me to tears too. am i mourning my masochism then? were you embarrassed because you cried or because you came or both? do you go to AVN or DomCon? just curious because you sound like somebody else i know. smile

SusanofO -> RE: pain vs tenderness (7/12/2006 1:00:47 AM)
I had this happen once, but for me it felt like some kind of release and gratitude; it wasn't depression (so maybe it was not the same - but it was a reaction to the intial situation you're describing). I still have no idea what it was about (wow, what a helpful answer from me, huh)?[:D]. It's a good topic thread, I think, though. - Susan

shivvy -> RE: pain vs tenderness (7/12/2006 1:20:32 AM)
sorry, i don't know if my comment is going to be relevent, but i need pain but i enjoy tenderness. but i often cry during both. probably because i'm just really emotional (i cry at the dumbest stuff, especially when watching a film on telly, or even just watching my daughter sleep sometimes...). i cry at pain because it hurts. that's simple enuff that even i can understand it![:D] but sometimes when i just cuddle up with Master, or He puts His arm around me, or He pets me, or even just looks at me sometimes, i feel a big lump in my throat, and i feel so unworthy of Him. as has been said above, i don't think it Has anything to do with low self esteme, coz i'm happy with who i am... but sometimes i just feel, i dunno.. lonely? heart broken? i don't know wot it is... but it's like i miss Him, even when i'm with Him... dumb i know, but that's really the only way i can describe it. luv, shiv xx

SusanofO -> RE: pain vs tenderness (7/12/2006 1:32:00 AM)
Shivvy, you are such a sweetie![:)] I know the time I felt this, it was mostly gratitude also. I think, after years of being in a relationship where the other person almost didn't seem to recognize I was even there much of the time, having found someone who not only wanted to be with me, but also wanted bdsm, was just seeming like too much luck for me, or something. - Susan

shivvy -> RE: pain vs tenderness (7/12/2006 2:15:28 AM)
aye, gratitude. i think you hit the nail on the head Susan... you're so clever[:D] thank you. i'm a yahoo girl, and spend hours in chatrooms and stuff, just chatting to people i've been lucky enuff to make friends with ova the years, and they're really lovely and say Paul (my Master) is a really lucky bloke... but i tell them, and i mean it, but i think i am the lucky one in our relationship, coz Master, to me, is just perfect. He knows all about me (we have NO secrets - and how many vanilla couples can really say that?) and He still luvs me for being me. and that just blows me away. luv, shiv xx edited to correct really bad typos/spellin[&:]

SusanofO -> RE: pain vs tenderness (7/12/2006 2:21:27 AM)
Sounds wonderful. He is lucky (sounds like you are both lucky). That is certainly what I am going to aspire to have, when the time is right. I had a wee taste of it, and so it is encouraging to know the possibility is out there - I see many on these boards who seem ecstatically happy for the first time, maybe, in their lives. It's so encouraging. - Susan

irishbynature -> RE: pain vs tenderness (7/12/2006 2:30:09 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: OTKkindaGirl i don't like to cry but the need and desire is there when any kind of tenderness is lavished upon me. dare i say that tenderness hurts me more than pain. i am trying to figure this out, what am i mourning about because that is what it feels like. a deep sorrowful mourning that seems almost inconsolable. i am a bit embarrassed when this happens because normally i don't sob, i just weep quietly. does anybody relate to this? I cannot relate to 'pain' as a submissive or crying because the pain is that intense. However, I can relate to crying from tenderness. Tenderness moves me far more than pain and it has brought me to tears before. As far as your tears and shame, I believe that crying is a release of emotion and is healthy as long as the goal is to release and it does not become a reaction to repeated emotional abuse heaped upon you from another person. Warmly, Irishbynature

shivvy -> RE: pain vs tenderness (7/12/2006 2:46:22 AM)
i just think it's really nice to be able to just be yourself... before Paul, i woz in a vanilla relationship for 13 months. and whilst i did luv luke, he expected me to be "normal", and be his equal, and i really hated that. i am just not like that, and i've always prefered to just give myself to whoeva i'm with, and just do as i'm told or go with the flow, you know? but luke used to do my head in, keep asking me stuff, and wanting me to make decisions, and i hated that[:(] but we split up ova christmas, and then at easter i met Master, and coz i woz drawn to His "natural" dominance and assertiveness, i just fell in luv with Him completely near enuff straight away. and to be able to give myself to Him completely, is just so.... i dunno the word, sorry. But it's like a releif. it's like this huge weight being lifted off my shoulders. it's like i don't have to pretend to be strong anymore, and i can just go back to being me. i'm allowed to luv Him and do things that make me comfortable, and Hes things to me that shows He is paying attention to me. i feel at home. comfortable and content in myself... it's just grand hunny, and i hope you really do find your One, much sooner rather than later. i really do. coz you're lovely, and deserve to be happy. luv, shiv xx

SusanofO -> RE: pain vs tenderness (7/12/2006 2:48:27 AM)
You're so sweet. Thank you for saying that! - Susan

bandit25 -> RE: pain vs tenderness (7/12/2006 3:29:09 AM)
For me, it's cathartic...the pain that is. Yes, I cry also, but I see them as good tears. I don't cry all the time either, but when I do, I feel much better afterwards. I think we are both lucky to have found Ones who understand this.

Littlepita -> RE: pain vs tenderness (7/12/2006 4:27:52 AM)
Wow! I really relate to this thread. Tenderness and gratitude that I have such an amazing man makes me cry a lot. I do cry from pain, but that is different then the tears I often cry when we are cuddling and he is saying such sweet things to me. I have a lot of baggage in my past and he is working on getting that all out of me. In fact we are going away for a few days starting today and things will be happening to help me deal with my past. I'm a little scared but also very willing and trusting of my Dom to get me through anything that happens. It's time to heal and live my new life fully with him. I have packed lots tissue!

firstsub -> RE: pain vs tenderness (7/12/2006 6:17:36 AM)
This thread had tears in my eyes just reading it. so much of what others feel is the same that this slave feels too. and why should i find that strange? so many of us search for the same things and need the same things....the pain to release the tears and the tenderness to heal them. the reasons behind that need may be different or similar. Master's have the needs and desires to give or control that release and healing. Isn't that just wonderful.......

mistoferin -> RE: pain vs tenderness (7/12/2006 6:28:01 AM)
I think that you cry because you're in a place that you know is safe to do so. Have you ever taken a child in for a medical procedure? Many times when they are working on the child they will ask Mom to leave the room. This is because often times it is less traumatic for the child. The child knows that it's ok to cry in front of Mom and Mom will comfort them if they do. I know that with my own children, the moment they saw me they knew it was ok to let the tears flow. There was just no need to be big and brave for me and they could let all of their guards down and let it go...because I made it safe to do so. I have found that I have done the same thing. It's not something that has ever happened with a Dominant that I am just sceneing with though, no matter how intense the scene got. It is something that occurs when I am with someone that I am in a committed relationship with where I feel safe to just let it all go. When the tenderness happens and you see that he has compassion for you...it's kind of like permission.

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