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RE: Do you find yourself trying to conform to roles? - 1/11/2014 8:25:50 PM

D0MBLKMAN2Serve

Posts: 46
Joined: 11/8/2012
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quote:

ORIGINAL: HipPoindexter

I don't wanna pick on anyone in particular, but on both sides of the site I see anxiety about "Am I behaving like an x (Master, switch, Mistress, w/e) should behave?"

My response to these kinds of anxiety is usually to chuckle and sip my jasmine tea and roll my eyes and thank God I have other, much more complicated and exotic, kinds of angst. I try to use words other people will understand (submissive, masochistic, sadistic, etc) to describe my urges and behaviors, but I've never brooded over whether my urges and behaviors conform with one of these labels.

To me thinking "Is this something a Dominant would think?" makes roughly as much sense as thinking "Is this what someone who drinks diet vanilla cherry Dr. Pepper would think?" Labels describe actions, actions do not conform to labels. But I see so much anxiety over fitting into roles that I can't write it all off as just kl00less n00bs. Maybe there is more pressure on people who are actively part of some lifestyle stuff, or people who have partners who DO take labels and roles very seriously.

Do you ever worry about whether you're behaving properly given your "role"?

During the initial phases ( when I was younger), yeah I worried about it and would make extra effort. Those days information was not this freely available and hence you were literally 'learning while living'. Now it is different, one you have information you can read and analyze and two I have grown into a natural master, no more 'extra effort' as everything is effortless and seamless yet exciting! :-)

(in reply to HipPoindexter)

Post #: 21

RE: Do you find yourself trying to conform to roles? - 1/11/2014 9:44:41 PM

LookieNoNookie

Posts: 12216
Joined: 8/9/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: HipPoindexter

I don't wanna pick on anyone in particular, but on both sides of the site I see anxiety about "Am I behaving like an x (Master, switch, Mistress, w/e) should behave?"

My response to these kinds of anxiety is usually to chuckle and sip my jasmine tea and roll my eyes and thank God I have other, much more complicated and exotic, kinds of angst. I try to use words other people will understand (submissive, masochistic, sadistic, etc) to describe my urges and behaviors, but I've never brooded over whether my urges and behaviors conform with one of these labels.

To me thinking "Is this something a Dominant would think?" makes roughly as much sense as thinking "Is this what someone who drinks diet vanilla cherry Dr. Pepper would think?" Labels describe actions, actions do not conform to labels. But I see so much anxiety over fitting into roles that I can't write it all off as just kl00less n00bs. Maybe there is more pressure on people who are actively part of some lifestyle stuff, or people who have partners who DO take labels and roles very seriously.

Do you ever worry about whether you're behaving properly given your "role"?

No.

(in reply to HipPoindexter)

Post #: 22

RE: Do you find yourself trying to conform to roles? - 1/11/2014 11:15:42 PM

TNDommeK

Posts: 7153
Joined: 3/13/2010
Status: offline

I think being myself is *my* role.
Anything else isn't me.

_____________________________

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Our snark-nado needs more cowbell

(in reply to LookieNoNookie)

Post #: 23

RE: Do you find yourself trying to conform to roles? - 1/12/2014 12:21:03 AM

sexyred1

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline

I am neither confused or conflicted because there is role.

I just do what I want, what else is there?

(in reply to TNDommeK)

Post #: 24

RE: Do you find yourself trying to conform to roles? - 1/12/2014 12:34:58 AM

FieryOpal

Posts: 2821
Joined: 12/8/2013
From: Maryland
Status: offline

When it comes to conforming to roles, there's maturity in age, maturity being in your own skin, and then maturity in D/s lifestyle. I think there are some Dominants, no matter how mature they become in age or the amount of time spent in this lifestyle, who will never be comfortable in their own skin. UberDom comes to mind, or UberDominatrix, the Master of his/her micro-Universe. In their own minds, and in the mindscape of their slaves. Then there are switches who can't let go of their Dominant label out of ego or out of fear they will lose their subs' respect if they do. (So who's enslaved now?)

There was a time when I let the grandiose expectations of some male subs influence how I thought I should conform to their concocted image of the kind of Mistress they wanted. Harsh and strict. Exacting humiliation & punishment. Then I said f--- this sh-- and chose a more suitable sub for myself, with the maturity to want me and to know me as a real person, and for us to relate to one another for real. I never felt the need to prove Apha-Bitch femaleness in my vanilla dealings, and I don't need that (insecure) crap permeating any other part of my life either.

_____________________________

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. - Lao Tzu
There is no remedy for love but to love more. - Thoreau

(in reply to HipPoindexter)

Post #: 25

RE: Do you find yourself trying to conform to roles? - 1/12/2014 1:23:11 AM

AthenaSurrenders

Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: HipPoindexter

Do you ever worry about whether you're behaving properly given your "role"?

Not any more. Now I'm usually one of the first to point out that there's no right way to be dom or sub, as long as all parties are happy.

But when I got into my first D/s relationship, I was just nineteen. I had virtually no experience of adult relationships, let alone D/s ones. I tried very hard to live up to the image I had in my head of what a sub was (imagine a cross between a Stepford Wife, Nigella Lawson circa the Domestic Goddess years, I Dream of Genie and a nympomaniac). It was neither realistic nor fulfilling for either of us.

I don't think I ever worried that my actions would disqualify me from being considered a sub, but I constantly worried that I wasn't enough. Not pleasing enough. Not productive enough. Not sexy enough. In part it was cluelessness, and in part in was insecurity.

It was made worse by the fact that I cared so very much. I loved him to bits, and I wanted to make him happy. He had moved to another continent to marry me after only meeting me twice. The stakes were very high. Looking back I know that was all the more reason to be honest with ourselves and take things slowly, but I just wasn't mature enough.

So I can empathize with the people who ask those questions, especially if they are new or young. And let's face it, on the profile side they get bombarded with people trying to manipulate them into giving up sex by saying 'a real sub always...' and 'a true dom never...' The waters are pretty muddy until you have some decent information to anchor yourself to. It's natural that they might need a little reassurance in defining themselves.

What does frustrate me is the large number of people who set out to define other people based on their own preferences. On fetlife the other day there was a thread which could be summarized as 'omg if you like things in your butt no way can you be dominant'. This attitude also demonstrates insecurity, but this time manifesting itself as meanness and arrogance.

Edit: I only wish I could have been like the people in this thread who had no conflict, and who don't see it as a role. I also feel such worries about other 'roles' in my life - am I a good enough mother? Am I a decent citizen? 'Role' doesn't need to mean acting. It can be part of who you are and still sometimes cause you some concerns.

< Message edited by AthenaSurrenders -- 1/12/2014 1:24:43 AM >

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to HipPoindexter)

Post #: 26

RE: Do you find yourself trying to conform to roles? - 1/12/2014 2:23:30 AM

Secretdamsel

Posts: 39
Joined: 1/23/2013
Status: offline

Never.

Real people are complex why abandon that?

(in reply to NuevaVida)

Post #: 27

RE: Do you find yourself trying to conform to roles? - 1/12/2014 5:01:26 AM

torsionman

Posts: 74
Joined: 7/28/2004
Status: offline

Trying to conform to a role?

Opposites attract, similarities endure, roles define, compromises insure.

If you need a method to know if it works, I guess this is a way to do it.

(in reply to Secretdamsel)

Post #: 28

RE: Do you find yourself trying to conform to roles? - 1/12/2014 5:04:13 AM

torsionman

Posts: 74
Joined: 7/28/2004
Status: offline

Sorry @Secretdamsel, this was for everyone but it was done as a "Fast Reply". My mistake, no offense meant towards you.

(in reply to torsionman)

Post #: 29

RE: Do you find yourself trying to conform to roles? - 1/12/2014 6:16:51 AM

ResidentSadist

Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

quote:

ORIGINAL: HipPoindexter
Do you ever worry about whether you're behaving properly given your "role"?

Fast reply.

I think I might love you. No, I don't worry about it. To be really honest, I'm not all up and mushy about people that do. You're Dominant? Cool. Stop worrying about if this is Dominant or that is Dominant. Stop thinking that you can't engage in certain acts because other people think they aren't Dominant acts. When you don't, who's really in charge?

Screw all of that! My goal is to be happy. It's not like My life is a democracy and everybody gets a vote.

Great topic!

That about says it.

_____________________________

-=BDSM Book List=- Reading is Fundamental !!!
I give good thread.

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 30

RE: Do you find yourself trying to conform to roles? - 1/12/2014 9:17:40 AM

sunshinemiss

Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline

I am becoming the person I am.

If it happens to conform to a guideline or arbitrary "rule", fine. Just as likely it doesn't. And that's fine, too.

_____________________________

Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

(in reply to ResidentSadist)

Post #: 31

RE: Do you find yourself trying to conform to roles? - 1/12/2014 10:13:28 AM

lizi

Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline

When I started out identifying myself as submissive a few years ago I did try to conform to what the idea of being submissive was in my head. I was an easy target for insta-Doms at that time, because I wanted to join in. It was a journey to see that I didn't need to be anything other than what I already was in order to be a submissive.

Nowadays I'm just me and I don't look to conform to any exterior idea of what my role should be or how it should be personified.

(in reply to HipPoindexter)

Post #: 32

RE: Do you find yourself trying to conform to roles? - 1/12/2014 10:59:28 AM

MariaB

Posts: 2969
Joined: 4/3/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: needlesandpins

I guess it depends firstly on whether you are a 'lifer', or a 'bedroomer'. we are bedroom people, and we switch. we are anything, and everything we want to be. I know that plays with the trwoo people's heads, but we like that too. I did have a moment when playing where I suddenly thought 'hang on, wasn't I the domme when this started out? why am I suddenly the sub?' my next thought was 'meh, I don't care, this is all great'. that is how it has been since.

needles

This made me smile. You rock!!

_____________________________

My store is http://e-stimstore.com

(in reply to needlesandpins)

Post #: 33

RE: Do you find yourself trying to conform to roles? - 1/12/2014 11:01:45 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ResidentSadist
That about says it.

Thanks, RS.

quote:

ORIGINAL: AthenaSurrenders
So I can empathize with the people who ask those questions, especially if they are new or young. And let's face it, on the profile side they get bombarded with people trying to manipulate them into giving up sex by saying 'a real sub always...' and 'a true dom never...' The waters are pretty muddy until you have some decent information to anchor yourself to. It's natural that they might need a little reassurance in defining themselves.

That's not especially different for those of us who didn't start on the net. When I first started coming around, there was a good portion of folks in the leather community that were still pretty strong about the belief that you had to start on the s side of the slash and work your way up to the power part of the lifestyle. I didn't want to do that. On top of that, I was a female and didn't want to do it. Guess how well that went over with some folks? Particularly the ones who were just hoping I was fresh meat and they could get in My pants.

quote:

What does frustrate me is the large number of people who set out to define other people based on their own preferences. On fetlife the other day there was a thread which could be summarized as 'omg if you like things in your butt no way can you be dominant'. This attitude also demonstrates insecurity, but this time manifesting itself as meanness and arrogance.

I think we saw the same thread. If it was, I was on it asking if that person's Mastery was in their head or up their ass. Play on words, but seriously, if you (general you) are allowing other people to decide what's ok and what's not in your bedroom, who's really in charge? It takes the stronger Dominant to have the confidence in themselves to enjoy what they like and say they don't care what other people think about it.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to ResidentSadist)

Post #: 34

RE: Do you find yourself trying to conform to roles? - 1/12/2014 1:51:04 PM

SpyUnderCover

Posts: 208
Joined: 6/21/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Phoenixpower

quote:

ORIGINAL: MissImmortalPain

No, I don't, but then this isn't a "role" in my opinion. This is just who I am. If others want to put a name on it then say that I do, or do not, live up to that label that is their issue not mine.

this!!!

Yes, this!

I don't feel pressure from within to conform to a role. But I've felt pressured from outside sources. I've had men tell me I was "too nice" to be a dominant. I've had them question my ability to dominate because I was polite and reserved. In a more general sense, I've had folks look at me askance because I don't have a profile on FetLife. And I've felt pressured to attend munches and hobnob more with the community at large, presumably because that is what "everyone" does.

I do D/s in a way that works for me. I don't conform, but I think there are outside pressures to do so.

Spy

(in reply to Phoenixpower)

Post #: 35

RE: Do you find yourself trying to conform to roles? - 1/12/2014 4:07:15 PM

ExiledTyrant

Posts: 4547
Joined: 12/9/2013
From: Exiled
Status: offline

I think gender roles should be banned under pain of death. I do domestic stuff better than any woman I've ever met. When my um was little I made all her clothes, frilly dresses with ribbons, bows, and cancans. My ums are pretty big now, but when Halloween rolls around, they still want da to make the uber awesome "wot ever" they want to be. Because if it requires sewing, fiberglass, and arc welding, I'll get it done.

YMMV

Exiled

_____________________________

Gnothi Seauton
To lead, first follow: Aurelius, Epictetus, Descartes, Sun Tzu, to name a few.

Semper fidelis (which sometimes feels like a burden)

(in reply to HipPoindexter)

Post #: 36

RE: Do you find yourself trying to conform to roles? - 1/12/2014 5:50:54 PM

tiggerspoohbear

Posts: 19141
Joined: 6/27/2010
Status: offline

I yam what I yam. Easy peasy, someone doesn't like it, door is that way ----》》》

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"I'm a baaa-aaad pussycat".

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Post #: 37

RE: Do you find yourself trying to conform to roles? - 1/12/2014 7:10:15 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: HipPoindexter

Do you ever worry about whether you're behaving properly given your "role"?

Nope. I don't see myself as a role. This is just me. Take it or leave it.

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to HipPoindexter)

Post #: 38

RE: Do you find yourself trying to conform to roles? - 1/12/2014 9:46:44 PM

JollySadist

Posts: 9
Joined: 11/6/2011
Status: offline

"Do you ever worry about whether you're behaving properly given your "role"? "

Pffffft.

No, but I've seen it cause lots of problems. Intentions/Expectation/role/etc.. are all important to discuss with people, because it's so easy to have assumptions.

And trying to standardize those? Fat fucking chance that'll end well.

We're deviants(I mean this in the most positive manner). We're not here because we've got a standard set of norms and expectations that's going to work well.

And that stuff doesn't stay constant with your partners either, hence why it's going to come up again in the near future.

(in reply to HipPoindexter)

Post #: 39

RE: Do you find yourself trying to conform to roles? - 1/13/2014 1:08:59 PM

egern

Posts: 537
Joined: 1/11/2013
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

It's not like My life is a democracy and everybody gets a vote.

Ha - well said!

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 40

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