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NuevaVida -> RE: The "I feel sorry for" statement. (1/9/2014 9:59:32 AM)
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Fast Reply
I wasn't offended by the statement, nor did it anger or upset me, but I didn't like it. I explained why in the other thread.
The only thing I can really equate it to is, if there was something you wanted all your life, something you thought about since pre teen, something you couldn't wait to do, and something you planned for in your adult life...that you then found you couldn't do (for whatever reason), you're suddenly faced with everything you thought your life would be, being different. You have to make a new plan, and scrap your lifelong dream, which had always appeared to be a future reality. You grieved what you didn't have, because you already loved it in advance, thinking you'd have it.
So sure, make another dream, create another plan, move forward. Accept that the life you planned for is scrapped and it's time for a different plan. That's doable, but there is an emotional effort involved.
While you're readjusting to your new reality, you are surrounded by those who DID get that life ( and quite honestly, yeah there's envy to work through, too). Those who have that life are telling you you will never experience the greatness they have. They aren't malicious in saying so, but they say it whenever they say statements like "Motherhood is the greatest/hardest/most rewarding/most tiring/most ANYTHING job in the world!!" Right or wrong, it's salt on a wound, because of the internal pain of not realizing your lifelong dream and plan.
Add to that, people are constantly asking why you didn't do what you had planned all your life. It's tedious to respond after awhile.
Add to that, you are constantly picking up the slack at work for people who DID get what you wanted, because it interferes with their work life.
Add to that, there's an air in society that assumes you didn't WANT that plan, and thinks you are selfish and materialistic for not doing it.
Just a lot of things that combined, that can cause frustration.
This isn't a pity party, it's hopefully a big picture of the constant, daily interactions which cause you to internally re-address your life being so different than what you had planned for and very much wanted since youth. It's a daily thing. It's rarely vocalized. You just move on with life, but there's always that small pang in the background.
So when someone comes along and casually says "I feel sorry for you" it doesn't sit well. Even when said totally innocently. It bites that pang. One person says so and it opens the door for others to relate. Saying so is met with "You shouldn't feel that way" types of responses, and things escalate.
Those who have kids are never going to fully relate to those who wanted nothing more but couldn't have them. Those who don't have kids are never going to fully relate to those who do. So there's a lot of non-understanding going on, which is...well...understandable.
It's ok to not like where someone's coming from. It's ok to not understand it, either.
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