How important is it, really? (Full Version)

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littleone14 -> How important is it, really? (9/16/2013 6:02:19 AM)

I was just reading a post in Health & Safety that raised a question for me. The OP was seeing someone who didn't like her partner going down on her. Someone responded with his experience, that it doomed the relationship because he couldn't make her cum and sex became more of an exercise.

That started me thinking. I take an excruciatingly long time to cum, so it's rare that I do with a partner. But I get a lot of other things from sex and playing, so it's not just an exercise. I know that, because that's how I am, I just have to find a partner who's ok with that. But my question is, how much of an issue is that for people? Would you not feel connected and intimate during sex if your partner didn't cum? I'm not talking about them just going thru the motions. If they were ok with the fact, and despite that were thoroughly enjoying themselves, would you be ok with it?



angelikaJ -> RE: How important is it, really? (9/16/2013 7:32:50 AM)

Once a partner makes that THE focus, it puts an inordinate amount of pressure on her.
And orgasms go from being improbable to impossible.


Orgasms aren't the goal for me.
Pleasure is.
The journey is.

I think for many men who need to make their partner cum, it is an ego thing.
But in terms of oral sex, not every woman can cum from that, and to assume that that would be the solution to her 'problem' is an ego thing.

In the example you gave, it seems as though her not cumming wasn't an issue for her.
It was a problem for him.


It can take me a long time to reach an orgasm...not always and not as long as it used to.
Now I can cum (usually quite easily) because He does not put that kind of pressure on me.

But it is still about the journey.





TigressLily -> RE: How Important Is It For Your Partner to Climax? (9/16/2013 7:40:09 AM)

It's definitely no fun when sex becomes more like work than play. There are those whose so-called kink (if one could classify it as such) is to ensure their partner always comes during sexual relations. They share in their partner's satisfaction, it's a huge turn on for them, even to the exclusion of reaching an orgasm of their own. Their are vanilla men who, for lack of a better term, are pussy-eating fools and expect nothing else in return. I know, I didn't believe it either in the beginning--I was positive it was all a flimsy ruse. (As in, what, do you think I was born yesterday?)

You could say this issue, of taking a long time to come, is more prevalent in women. That may be true overall, but there are men who have delayed ejaculation. And not from deliberate Orgasm Control/Denial or Ruined Orgasm practices. Some can only come during certain sexual acts and not others. The common denominator I've noticed is the control factor. These men cannot stand to lose control or else feel a loss of control. I'm not implying that this necessarily has to do with childhood molestation, but I knew someone once who was molested by his 18-year-old female babysitter when he was 10 while still prepubescent, therefore physiological incapable of ejaculating at that young of an age. He didn't consider this event to have been molestation. In his own words, he always looked upon it as having gotten "lucky." After we discussed the subject on a few occasions, it finally dawned on him that a good many of his control issues may have stemmed from this incident and his suppressed feelings of inadequacy. To put it another way, he had an epiphany of sorts once he realized that in rightfully not having had any control over that indisputably non-consensual situation, he had been deliberately withholding from his sexual partners in his own convulated way all of his life to minimize his own performance anxieties.

In answer to your question point blank, I don't think I could stay with anyone who couldn't climax while we were having sex, who then had to masturbate afterwards. This would be a form of withholding to me. Nor would I want a sexual partner who climaxed too soon; that would be much worse. Would I exercise patience? Sure, and when it comes to women, IMO a man would be a lousy lover if he couldn't figure out how to assist her in that respect, or eventually it would make him feel like he was. Now, if he were a selfish bastard, it wouldn't make any difference, would it?

______________________________
* * * Not A Fetish/Kink Delivery System * * *



getoutnow -> RE: How important is it, really? (9/16/2013 7:44:01 AM)

From an understanding male's point of view. There are very few women who just cannot orgasm. But then those are the ones who haven't quite literally tried everything.

I've been with women who could only do it through oral, or only vagina and some only anal. Others who needed to have a sense they were the focus of being used. Pretty much what I'm trying to say, is horses for courses.

The thing above all, is to be completely relaxed. Not to think about what is going on, but finding out what you want out of the experience, enjoying yourself and then letting yourself go.

One thing I do, when I am with a woman. Is tell her, she has to pee infront of me until she gets extremely confortable doing it. Then peeing naked when I am inside her touching her, messing with her. I do this merely for the exercise of her being completely confortable and having her vagina muscles seriously relaxed around me.

The turn around to this, is that from the point I introduced this. All the women I have been have climaxed, they have enjoyed sex in different ways and climaxing from each way and some even squirting.

If you get a woman who is uptight, has a particular problem in the bedroom or fixates about something during sex. Doesn't matter how good the guy is, she's never going to cum.

Forget the journey, its always the destination. Why? I'm the one being hassled at 2am in the morning for sex. That's how I like it. [:D]



chatterbox24 -> RE: How important is it, really? (9/16/2013 7:50:46 AM)

I find it nonsensical.

I can paint my nails, hmm a tune, or try try try and if it aint happening it aint happening. I know my body and when someone tells me they know it better. Please! Really?

Its not about the orgasm for me at least. When it becomes all about that, and the person is disappointed about it, that you don't, its about them not you. Somehow they feel inadequate when it has nothing to do with them in the least ( well sometimes lol)



DaddySatyr -> RE: How important is it, really? (9/16/2013 7:58:34 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: littleone14

I was just reading a post in Health & Safety that raised a question for me. The OP was seeing someone who didn't like her partner going down on her. Someone responded with his experience, that it doomed the relationship because he couldn't make her cum and sex became more of an exercise.



I believe you got the wrong impression (or I wrote it wrong) from what I wrote.

quote:

ORIGINAL: DaddySatyr

I had this exact same situation but it was 30 years ago (I am dead-curious to know if this girl is from NJ). Anyway ...

I can tell you exactly what happened to me and what I fear your fate might be:

This young lady I knew was completely okay with me, having other ladies. I was in a band. She knew what the deal was. Groupies aren't just "cum dumpsters". They can make or break a band.

She would tell me: "Michael you can eat any woman you want. What is it with you and wanting to do it with me?"

Well, it wasn't about her. I'd love to tell you that I needed her to "submit completely" and that's why it was so important but that wasn't it.

The plain fact is; without being able to go down on her, sex wasn't as enjoyable. It was more of an "exercise". She wasn't able to orgasm, except by herself so even penetration wasn't doing her any good as far as that goes.

Sure, there was intimacy but there was no climax ... no "magic moment".

I felt powerless and ineffectual. The relationship was doomed. It ended, without arguments. There was no dramatic scene. We just weren't what each other needed.

I wish I had words of hope for you but, I don't.

My best to you.



Peace,



Michael


The first part that I have bolded was the real issue. I enjoy oral sex. Plain and simple. If I can't engage in oral sex, sex is no longer as pleasurable for me.

The second part I have bolded is the real "meat" of the issue. Her limitations did not meet my expectations and we needed to "move along".

The fact that I don't look at ladies as "recepticles" is, indeed, part of the "problem". I don't have relationships with holes. I have relationships with good, honest people that happen to have friendly vaginas.



needlesandpins -> RE: How important is it, really? (9/16/2013 9:01:58 AM)

I have a friend who by her own admission has had a lot of different guys. she has also told me that she has never had an orgasm with any of them. however, this doesn't mean that she's only had crap sex. she hasn't. from what she's told me she's had fantastic sex it's just that she can't orgasm with guys. the only time she does is playing by herself.

now for me that just wouldn't do because it's really easy to make me orgasm, but you still have to listen to what my body wants. I was never bothered about oral and didn't particularly enjoy it. I most certainly never had an orgasm from it. my ex enjoyed it and would get frustrated in trying to give me orgasms. he desperately wanted me to cum. I would if he used his fingers as well, but otherwise it just wasn't happening. most of the time i'd lay there thinking why doesn't he just move to the....couldn't just change and stop doing that.....actually this is annoying me now. I tried talking to him about it, but it didn't work.

then I met himself. this man comes along and it's like he's know my body for years. not just touching it as a man, but as though he's touched it as me. knows how it feels from the inside. he enjoys giving oral a lot, so I let him. jeez was I in for a surprise. it's a big part of our play for me now when I had never thought it would be.

if a guy couldn't get me to orgasm in one aspect, as above, then it would be no big deal. however, if it was in all aspects of sex then it would be a big deal for me as i'd be frustrated. I don't mean when it doesn't happen sometimes because lets face it a session can be great anyway without me having an orgasm, but if it was every single time when I cum like I do.....yeah there would be a problem.

also on the other side of this......if I knew he could cum by himself, and had no issue with others, but he couldn't cum with me then yeah my ego is taking a massive kick. I want him to cum and to be that excited. again i'm not talking where we're about to get out of bed and I give him a bj to say good morning, but then we wait until later for more involved play. I do have enough ego that I want him to be turned on enough by me and what we are doing that he cums. if it's something that I could be doing slightly different to tip him over the edge then I want to know, and so on.

so yeah, subjectively my orgasms are important to me, and his to me as well.

needles



DesFIP -> RE: How important is it, really? (9/16/2013 1:13:36 PM)

It's a problem when someone else decides that what I get from sex is insufficient. That I have to achieve a goal they've picked in order for me to say it was a good time. Because basically what they're telling me is that I'm either so stupid I don't know if I liked it or not or else that I'm a liar.

Neither of those things is acceptable. If I orgasm, great. If I don't but we've been intimate and sensual, also great.
Sex for me is a journey, not a destination. Sure you could take the highway and get there quick but then you miss all those great road side things to enjoy.

I'd rather stop and smell the roses, so to speak, then be impelled to have a joyless orgasm.



littlewonder -> RE: How important is it, really? (9/16/2013 6:52:04 PM)

I don't always cum when Master and I are fucking. Sometimes I'm just not in the mood, I'm tired or meds are kicking in or sometimes I just have no idea why.

Thankfully Master is ok with that. His feelings are "that's fine. I'll just get mine". [:D] and I'm ok with that too. Sometimes we'll have a discussion as to why if he feels there was something going on with me or I will say something to him, but most times, it just happens <shrugs>.

And just because I'm not cumming doesn't mean I don't still enjoy it most times. I just told him that and he understands. No big deal. Easy cum, easy go. It's just not even a thing that comes up with us.

I would say just be honest with the guy and explain to him that you still get something from it but you just don't need to always orgasm to be satisfied. Make sure to let him know it's not him if he starts feeling that way and hopefully he'll be confident enough to not be worried about it. If he's insecure with the issue then you might want to rethink who you are with. In the end his insecurity will cause other bigger issues in the relationship.



MistressDarkArt -> RE: How important is it, really? (9/16/2013 8:01:43 PM)

Orgasms are optional in my relationships. We're all in our 50s; the boys' dicks don't work the way they used to, and I've had my insides surgically rearranged to the point where only very specific things work for me. Since we've had oodles of 'gasms in our lives, we don't always miss them when they don't happen now. Using electro and vibrators I can force dribbles out of the guys if I've a mind, and sometimes I do it 'for their own good'. (Gotta keep that plumbing clear!) [:D] But orgasms just aren't the be-all end-all they once were.

My preferred methods for getting off don't involve anyone else's body parts. If I want the guys around for this (I generally enjoy it more as a private event) I'll have them rub my feet, scratch my back, or massage my head while I'm doin' the do. One boy is bummed about this since he loves giving oral, but I'm in charge here and I say keep your yeasty mouth away from me.

So, in our case, it's just not that important. We've been together for years. 'Gasms or lack thereof are just a piss in the ocean and have no bearing on what we've built together.



njlauren -> RE: How important is it, really? (9/16/2013 8:56:23 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: getoutnow

From an understanding male's point of view. There are very few women who just cannot orgasm. But then those are the ones who haven't quite literally tried everything.

I've been with women who could only do it through oral, or only vagina and some only anal. Others who needed to have a sense they were the focus of being used. Pretty much what I'm trying to say, is horses for courses.

The thing above all, is to be completely relaxed. Not to think about what is going on, but finding out what you want out of the experience, enjoying yourself and then letting yourself go.

One thing I do, when I am with a woman. Is tell her, she has to pee infront of me until she gets extremely confortable doing it. Then peeing naked when I am inside her touching her, messing with her. I do this merely for the exercise of her being completely confortable and having her vagina muscles seriously relaxed around me.

The turn around to this, is that from the point I introduced this. All the women I have been have climaxed, they have enjoyed sex in different ways and climaxing from each way and some even squirting.

If you get a woman who is uptight, has a particular problem in the bedroom or fixates about something during sex. Doesn't matter how good the guy is, she's never going to cum.

Forget the journey, its always the destination. Why? I'm the one being hassled at 2am in the morning for sex. That's how I like it. [:D]



I don't know about can't orgasm at all, but supposedly 50% of more of women have trouble achieving orgasm, and there are a significant percentages of woman who have never had an orgasm while having sex...



TigressLily -> RE: How Important Is It For Your Partner to Climax? (9/16/2013 10:04:26 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: TigressLily

In answer to your question point blank, I don't think I could stay with anyone who couldn't climax while we were having sex, who then had to masturbate afterwards. This would be a form of withholding to me. Nor would I want a sexual partner who climaxed too soon; that would be much worse. Would I exercise patience? Sure, and when it comes to women, IMO a man would be a lousy lover if he couldn't figure out how to assist her in that respect, or eventually it would make him feel like he was.


In retrospect, I should amend my statement to not give the impression it's primarily the man's responsibility. Most men I've known already feel a responsibility to satisfy their lovers, which is why they will tend to feel inadequate if their end-goal isn't reached. Consequently, they don't always allow themselves to enjoy the journey of getting there either, without realizing they're inadvertently making their lover feel pressured to put on a performance for them. I rarely feel as if I've had enough foreplay for foreplay's sake, but I can hardly complain about that since I'm the one in charge of the choreography, my own teasing & edging.

You don't have to answer this gon, but do you self-stimulate while having sex? I don't mean masturbating while your partner watches. I've found that younger women tend to be more clitoral, but once I reached my 30s, I began experiencing vaginal orgasms. It probably has to do with the elusive G-spot which I'd thought must be a myth. Once I started reaching my sexual prime (which in women I don't believe ever ends), I also became hyper-sensitive and needed a very gentle touch, not a lover who acted like the proverbial bull in a china shop. Nor a guy who acted as if he were so famished he was feasting at his last buffet. That actually became anti-climactic for me.

Then as nap mentioned, you may need digital penetration during cunnilingus, or a combination of erotically stimulating activities all at once. With the exception of a medical condition or other impediment (such as male ED) hindering one's orgasmic process, it might be female performance anxiety. I don't know what your private status is, but it sounds to me as if you've settled or sold yourself short in terms of fully bonding with your lover by experiencing sexual ecstasy together. The fullness thereof, that is. If you're perfectly content with the way things are, then that's unequivocally your prerogative.

_____________________________

* * * Not A Fetish/Kink Delivery System * * *



littleone14 -> RE: How important is it, really? (9/17/2013 5:24:47 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: DaddySatyr

I believe you got the wrong impression (or I wrote it wrong) from what I wrote.



Sorry bout that. I was trying to paraphrase your post in one sentence, and didn't mean to misrepresent you. Tho the paraphrase wasnt intended to be the essence of your post, just the part (as I read it) that started my train of thought towards the question I ended up at......



littleone14 -> RE: How important is it, really? (9/17/2013 6:10:13 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: angelikaJ

Orgasms aren't the goal for me.
Pleasure is.
The journey is.



I think this is my philosophy in a nutshell. Maybe it would be different if I was different, but that's the way I am. It takes me a long time. And not just during intercourse or oral sex. it takes me a long time when im by myself. So if I made cumming the sole focus, or have a partner who makes it the sole focus, there's no joy or pleasure in the journey....

But I do agree wih what some of you said, that there's ways to relax to have it happen easier. And as Tigresslily just said. I may be selling myself short. I'm single at the moment (despite what my profile says. I haven't updated it since my breakup cause it cuts down on the unwanted advances!), but would like both the journey and the destination to be important in my next relationship.



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