RE: Improving Relationship Skills? (Full Version)

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cloudboy -> RE: Improving Relationship Skills? (7/25/2013 9:27:10 PM)

Don't focus on incompatibilities, instead concentrate on your relationship's strengths. Don't ruminate too much when your feelings get hurt. Mark your territory so that your partner knows what comes with you in the relationship. Respect privacy and give your partner space. When you are upset, combine negative emotions or anger with some kind of positive end point or constructive solution.



NuevaVida -> RE: Improving Relationship Skills? (7/25/2013 9:48:57 PM)

I saw a quote today that totally describes why what the Mister and I have is so awesome to us:

"The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them." ~ Thomas Merton, from No Man Is an Island

Stop attempting to change who the other person is, and love them as they are. Conversely, allow yourself to be who you are with the other person, rather than try to fit an image of what they want. Easier said than done, and takes practice.

Also, I'd recommend reading "The Seven Principles to Making Marriage Work" by John Gottman of the Gottman Institute. Whether married or not, this is an amazing book for anyone wanting a successful relationship.

Here is what he calls The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in relationship - worth checking out.




mysouldesire -> RE: Improving Relationship Skills? (7/26/2013 4:01:52 PM)

A man, dominant, suggested I read THE 5 LOVE LANGUAGES, by Gary Chapman.

I am plagiarizing while editing....
"Does it seem as though you and your partner are speaking two different languages? New York Times bestselling author Dr. Gary Chapman guides couples in identifying, understanding, and speaking their spouse’s primary love language—quality time, words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service, or physical touch.

By learning the five love languages, you and your spouse will discover your unique love languages and learn practical steps in truly loving each other. Chapters are categorized by love language for easy reference, and each one ends with specific, simple steps to express a specific language to your spouse and guide your marriage in the right direction." ~~ Amazon.

I have found this book to be incredibly helpful. Maybe some of its content could be wisely submitted to a talk on relatinships



LookieNoNookie -> RE: Improving Relationship Skills? (7/26/2013 4:54:52 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

I am working on putting on an all day 2 or 3 part program on relationship skills. I have a great class on communication but I am curious what people would suggest be included. I am a strong believer that basic,vanilla relationship skills are the foundation of all m/s and d/s relationships and,wthe lack of,them being,the,primary cause of their failure.

So interested in what, how, why, what shouldnt be there, whatever.



This isn't that kind of crazy horse shit where you discuss your feelings and shit is it?



jola37 -> RE: Improving Relationship Skills? (7/27/2013 6:35:24 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt

Accept your partner as is
Express appreciation
Be honest AND tactful
Agree to disagree
Support your partner's goals
Give your partner the right to be wrong
Be patient with relationship issues


word



evesgrden -> RE: Improving Relationship Skills? (7/27/2013 10:27:25 AM)

quote:

I am working on putting on an all day 2 or 3 part program on relationship skills. I have a great class on communication but I am curious what people would suggest be included. I am a strong believer that basic,vanilla relationship skills are the foundation of all m/s and d/s relationships and,wthe lack of,them being,the,primary cause of their failure.

So interested in what, how, why, what shouldnt be there, whatever.


Why are you doing this in the first place? What is is that you can offer people that is different from what folks already "know" --- see all the preceding posts for that.

Before you do something like this, according to the law you need to be trained yourself as some sort of expert. Otherwise it's called practicing psychology or social work or counseling without a license. These are protected fields. Your friends and colleagues might think you give good advice, and you might even be quite astute in the area, but that doesn't replace education, internships and supervised clinical work---even if it's just undergrad intro courses that you have behind you.

And no offense intended, but if you need to ask a bunch of folks online what you should include or exclude, you really have no business teaching something like a 2-3 day workshop. You don't even know what need you're trying to fill here, and that's the tail wagging the dog if there was one.



Kalista07 -> RE: Improving Relationship Skills? (7/28/2013 4:24:06 PM)

Simply Michael,
I know you mentioned you've alredy got the communication part covered...If it were me I would emphasize the importance of talking about trust. I would encourage people to not allow ghosts into their relationship. I think many people lose sight of the fact that communication impacts EVERYTHING...If I don't talk to Him about my expectations, needs, wants, desires, etc. our communication instantly deteriorates.
Personally, one of my biggest struggles is finding successful ways to detach my professional role and persona and embrass my submissive/slave self when I walk through the door to Him. I would love a course that could help me to ease this transition.
Good luck in your course. I am sure it will go well!!



Sheela22 -> RE: Improving Relationship Skills? (8/6/2013 5:41:55 PM)

Communication and compromise instead of punishment and ignoring [sm=needahug.gif]



cloudboy -> RE: Improving Relationship Skills? (8/6/2013 7:47:36 PM)

No argument here.



JeffBC -> RE: Improving Relationship Skills? (8/6/2013 8:06:14 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael
So interested in what, how, why, what shouldnt be there, whatever.

I know what makes my relationships work. But I have no clue how you'd teach it.

Both partners have to see the other partner and "us" as more important than themselves. All the rest of what has been written above follows from there. In the absence of that then everything written above is a facade anyway.

"Communication": Happens automatically when you think you're partner is a critical part of "us"
"honesty": I'm leaving that alone. Discussions of BDSM honesty can be done by the BDSM'ers
"trust": Happens automatically when the other person is demonstrably working in your interests.
"Embrace my kink": Happens automatically when other person perceives my kink as being critical to them.
"Active Listening": Happens automatically when you really, truly care about what the other person is thinking.

etc.



littlewonder -> RE: Improving Relationship Skills? (8/7/2013 7:53:05 PM)

one line of advice. A relationship is a "we" not a He or a me or a she.



TheHeretic -> RE: Improving Relationship Skills? (8/7/2013 10:04:06 PM)

FR

Communication, at least in terms of, "let's sit and cuddle and talk about our feelings," is a gigantic load of feelgood horseshit for damaged first wives (and pussy's) who've never come to grips with why it failed. It makes pop psycholgists and daytime talk TV asshats wealthy, and their suckers less likely to ever achieve a good relationship.

Talk, yes, but also be completely comfortable together, not talking. Be able to be at personal peace in easy silence. Laugh together, spontaneously. Have giggly-pillow talk. If you must have the "feelings" conversation, make sure, "I'm feeling pissed off, and want to be left alone," is an acceptable final answer.

I also place a high value on the importance of emotional maturity, anger management, and impulse control, in the individuals involved.



LaTigresse -> RE: Improving Relationship Skills? (8/10/2013 6:13:44 AM)

FR

Too many people look for some magic potion. Thee is no magic potion.

I read something somewhere about not trying to make others responsible for your happiness. That always stuck with me. I see it all the time, people having relationship problems blaming everyone/thing other than themselves.They end up creating drama and, unless the other/s capitulate to their passive aggressive games, end up leaving the relationship, still unhappy, looking (and usually finding someone with white knight syndrome) for a new 'happy fix'. It works for awhile, but they are usually still unhappy and end up making the other/s miserable as well. Never taking responsibility for their own shit. Usually end up in a revolving door of short term relationships and never learning that the root of their problem is them.

For ME, a solid relationship accepts the other person/s as they are. Honestly without the veil of initial infatuation. All while continually encouraging them to be the best 'them' they can be. And never EVER making your happiness their responsibility.

Communication is often over rated and misunderstood. It's isn't just the sitting down and talking, that we initially think of. In fact, it's been my experience that is often the worst. Generic Dude and I talk to one another a lot. But almost never do we have the "We need to talk....." type discussions. It has to flow more organically or it puts the other on the defensive and causes more problems than solutions. Some of our best relationship discussions have began on car rides, often times starting by discussing someone else's relationship problems that were brought to one of us.



ClassAct2006 -> RE: Improving Relationship Skills? (8/10/2013 6:20:57 AM)

I think a module on how not to be stupid financially and legally is a good idea.
1. Living together is nothing like the same as being married so don't be conned by thinking they are the same.
2. Whether female or male be very reluctant to give up your job or assets or house to someone else no matter what the kink.
3. Discuss in advance if your other half expects you to give up work or is happy with childcare, nannies, nurseries etc when and if you have children (and of course if they have children in their life plan or not). Look at their family. Do your due diligence on them before you get in too deep.
4. Wills, prenups, property ownership issues (very different if one pays the mortgage and the other buys the food than if both pay the mortgage etc etc etc)



njlauren -> RE: Improving Relationship Skills? (8/10/2013 10:36:53 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: evesgrden

quote:

I am working on putting on an all day 2 or 3 part program on relationship skills. I have a great class on communication but I am curious what people would suggest be included. I am a strong believer that basic,vanilla relationship skills are the foundation of all m/s and d/s relationships and,wthe lack of,them being,the,primary cause of their failure.

So interested in what, how, why, what shouldnt be there, whatever.


Why are you doing this in the first place? What is is that you can offer people that is different from what folks already "know" --- see all the preceding posts for that.

Before you do something like this, according to the law you need to be trained yourself as some sort of expert. Otherwise it's called practicing psychology or social work or counseling without a license. These are protected fields. Your friends and colleagues might think you give good advice, and you might even be quite astute in the area, but that doesn't replace education, internships and supervised clinical work---even if it's just undergrad intro courses that you have behind you.

And no offense intended, but if you need to ask a bunch of folks online what you should include or exclude, you really have no business teaching something like a 2-3 day workshop. You don't even know what need you're trying to fill here, and that's the tail wagging the dog if there was one.



If this is a seminar at a BD/SM convention or something like that, he doesn't need to be a licensed therapist or psychologist, if he did Tony Robbins and Stephen Covey would have been in jail years ago, as would ever self help guru out there. As long as you are not claiming to treat people professionally, don't claim it is therapy, it isn't illegal.

As far as asking other people, why shouldn't he, even a professional might need other people's ideas or perspectives....and if everyone 'knows' the answers, why is it that many relationships are so fucked up? I think if this is in the context of a BD/SM group or something to remind people that relationships are relationships, and these boards are good examples of that. A good number of the threads on here often are exactly that, dominants forgetting that their sub is a human being with feelings and needs, subs who think a domme is some caractiture of a person rather than a woman, and so forth. Sometimes we know, but when someone else puts it together we say "ya know, unreal, never saw it that way". I kind of treat information like this like the whole concept of free speech, there is nothing better than speech on a topic except for more speech, even if it disagrees.



ChatteParfaitt -> RE: Improving Relationship Skills? (8/10/2013 10:42:14 AM)

I agree with lauren. He's not claiming to treat people, merely to (possibly) educate them. That he is asking for input as opposed to thinking he knows it all is, to me, a sign of a good presenter.




njlauren -> RE: Improving Relationship Skills? (8/10/2013 10:57:46 AM)

I think people gave a lot of great suggestions, and I think one of the most wonderful is the idea of 'we', to get out of this notion of 'what does he bring to me" or 'what does she bring to me', it becomes "what does this do for us?"....and yeah, that is very difficult, couples therapists go nuts with that kind of thing (and the obverse, where people so totally see 'the we' they forget about themselves, which isn't good either).

If I was going to teach it, assuming I would ever foolishly try to do something so unrewarding (hey, I once put out a church newsletter, that is even less rewarding:), I think I would take it a bit deeper..

For example, with trust, it is easy to say 'you need trust'...but a lot harder to explain to people how to build it, and I think that is important. IMO, the biggest element with trust is figuring out how to show it, words are all great and good, but trust is caught from what the other person does. For example, if someone is in a relationship and sees that their potential partner deals with others fairly, when he says they have a friends back they do, says a lot more than "honey, I'll always be on your side". If the partner does something altruistically, if they demonstrate by let's saying going to any movie made out of a Nicholas Sparks book or willingness to read certain books, because you like it, it means more than words. As human beings, we 'pick up' a lot more by actions and how someone is and acts than we do by words.

Plus we have to demonstrate that we truly trust them, and usually that comes up by at some point, they say "honey, I am telling you, white castle hamburgers are the cure for what ails you" and you then eat them, that is demonstrating trust *lol*. Seriously, to trust someone you usually IME need to know they trust you, too, it is an interlocking pair.

It also is about learning how to fight, and do it fairly and without absolutely ripping things apart, and that isn't easy, when you get to know someone, get intimate with them, you get to know how to push buttons, hit triggers, and often it is unconscious, which means it is hard to control. Mary Matalin and James Carville, probably one of the most mis matched couples, at least politically, two strong willed, intelligent, dynamic people have a marriage that has lasted a long time..they wrote a book on it, and I thought it was well written, especially on how to fight......

Another useful thing might be the warning signs of a relationship about to go south, like when you start blaming the other person for everything bad happening without looking at your own part, like when you start living up in your head rather than in the relationship (could be anything from daydreaming about a perfect relationship and comparing it to your own, reading modern romance novels and wondering why your mate isn't 6'5, can shoot the eye out of a one eyed jack at 100 yards and after 15 hour days wants sex 4 times, or the woman who has born you 3 kids, works a tough job, makes one hell of a pie, and has a barbie doll figure, looks great in a leather mini at 45, and is willing to do anything in bed after a long day..), or when you think that somehow every other couple has it better than you....

My biggest tip? My dad used to say nothing happens by osmosis, and when you find that the relationship is coasting along with no work, no issues, where you just go through your daily lives and there is no drama at all, no highs, no lows, where you don't have to do anything, it likely is a relationship IMO that won't last....i.e that a relationship means work, and that a relationship coasting along on some sort of lowest common denominator level of happiness that seems to lack drama or downside, probably also is seriously lacking in upside, and in the long term, very likely will hit a rock and possibly sink. My therapist kind of described this as being emotional prozac, when you are on anti depressants it mutes the lows, to allow you to function, but mutes the highs, whereas someone not on it can experience incredible highs, and incredible lows, with most of life being somewhere in between, and the incredible highs are what helps make life move along...a couple 'caught in the middle' , who avoid the highs cause it might mean having lows, too, are doing the same thing. Working at a relationship means finding a way to experience the highs and also in learning to deal with the lows, so you aren't afraid to face the swings.



cloudboy -> RE: Improving Relationship Skills? (8/12/2013 7:09:55 PM)


One way is to put you on moderation to drive you away from posting again. I'm curious to see how this works out.



getoutnow -> RE: Improving Relationship Skills? (8/12/2013 7:15:26 PM)

I think a workshop where you teach how a woman can best please the man of the house when he gets home providing for her, with a very long and attentive bj to get him to the edge. Finally to present her ass for a real hard butt-fuck and pushing back forcibly until he sperms. Once he is done, quickly get out the dinner and serve it to him. Watch tv, talk about his day and then both go to sleep happy and fulfilled.

Really, there's nothing to giving out relationship advice. I mean, if it works for me, then surely it must for everyone else.... right?

/sarcasm

oh and stop calling me shirely.



metamorfosis -> RE: Improving Relationship Skills? (8/12/2013 7:18:13 PM)

I think he's gone. Whatever the reason, I'm sorry to see it.



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