Dom/me’s obligations.

Dom/me’s obligations. (Full Version)

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Master96 -> Dom/me’s obligations. (6/27/2006 1:54:07 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: needtobetold ... but I think true submission comes from a place of power. You posses that which he desires which is your control and that is one of the most precious gifts you can give someone. If you are concerned at all and he is not able to understand or allow you to explore these concerns than he does not deserve this incredible gift you have to present to him... quote: ORIGINAL: desertdancer ...a Master needs to be aware of your feelings, your joys, your sadness, your health and your emotional state at all times, and in being open and clear with Him, your helping Him to be a better partner to you... After the thread “Slave Rights ”. And other than what said in the quotes; what makes a Dom/me a better partner, and deserve to own his/her sub/slave. Thanks, Master96,

littlemissub -> RE: Dom/me’s obligations. (6/27/2006 2:02:46 AM)
The Dom I am talking to now has said very much the same thing. A slave is allowed hard limits. You should have a safe-word. That word is "No". In being so, if you ever have to tell your Dom/me "No", that means they truly do not know as they should and you should not be together. Sure, they should not understand you completely immediately, but they should only push you as you grow and They do learn you. Hard limits should not exist or be a worry with someone you trust completely and allow yourself to be given over too.

Master96 -> RE: Dom/me’s obligations. (6/27/2006 2:15:06 AM)
Thanks littlemissy, thats a great idea. Master96,

littlemissub -> RE: Dom/me’s obligations. (6/27/2006 2:17:37 AM)
no problem. I thought it was a good point when I first heard it as well. I had never even thought of it that way.

SusanofO -> RE: Dom/me’s obligations. (6/27/2006 2:19:05 AM)
None of this really applies to me right now, (or shouldn't, at this point in time, perhaps - but - as long as you're asking, I think this is a great exercise - and thanks for the opportunity to "get it down on paper"). I may be completly misunderstanding the question but - I guess qualities that can really send me through the roof (and might make me want to submit or be in a bdsm relationship, sometime, with someone else), would be: 1. Kindness and understanding (not to be confused with "coddling"). I need to have the impression someone is capable of being decent and caring to other people. Watching how someone treats a wait person in a restaurant, for example, might be a seemingly cliche' way to test this - but - I think it's a cliche' for a reason. 2. Someone pretty bright (but if there's a contest, kindness still wins). I like people who have opinions based on having thought about, or better yet, read about a topic (also, I just like peope who read. I don't care if it's a Great Books literature series, but think it's nice when people read books - once in awhile, if they have time. 3. Someone who is diplomatic (not to be confused with "pushover") and listens as well as talks or communicates. 4. A good sense of humor cannot ever be underestimated as far as it's power to attract (I think this is probably true for many people). 5. Someone artistic, or at least interested in "fine arts" is usually more interesting (to me. Someone who writes or draws or does scultpture, acts or sings. Not necessary but it's interesting - because I like that stuff, too. I like to know they won't brush it off as unimportant or silly if I like to do things like see plays and draw pictures (I don't care if they come with me - I've been going alone or with friends for years. Just that they'd not prohibit these things and it would be much better if they'd be supportive. Best case is they like the same things. 6. Someone who prefers to build someone up as opposed to tear them down, overall. No matter what their "methods" for doing this might be - their overall goal, in general, is something I find much more admirable if it's to help the other person become a better person (my goal would be to be very supportive and reciprocate). I have to be able to trust them (which means trusting their overall motives). 7. An adult who has things in their life like a real job (or is in school ), pays real bills, and thus copes with things like "real world stress" without running for the hills. Income? Might be a huge big deal for some, but it's never really been a deal-breaker for me. Lazy can be, though. 8. Taller than 5'9 or so - tall is nice (certainly not "essential"). "Good looks" are entirely subjective, and personality counts for a lot, with me ("hot", really is great, but it's not anywhere near the entire "package"). I do like nice expressive eyes, a big, open smile (when they do smile), someone who "hugs" well (is openly affectionate), and has a great voice (that's pretty subjective, too, I guess). 9. I really find it hard to communicate with people sometimes if they think the world is black-and-white and there are no shades of gray, and there are hard and fast answers to every question out there - and they've got them. They may have very well thought out opinions based on hard won experience (I've got respect for those, usually). But if voicing theirs doesn't leave room for many others to have their own, ever, (not just mine) we would probably not be a good match. *If someone has these qualities, then it would probably be muuuch easier for me to want to initially submit. Once I imagine I've done that, I've done it because I wanted to do it, and would want to do what they asked of me (in other words, wanting to submit wouldn't be an "issue" - maybe occasionally not wanting* to do something, but that would be all, probably (hopefully). - Susan

slavejali -> RE: Dom/me’s obligations. (6/27/2006 3:06:48 AM)
What makes a Dom a better partner? The same qualities it takes for anyone to have a successful relationship whether in D/s or vanilla. What makes a Dom deserve to own a submissive/slave type? The ability to dominate and take control of their partner. P.S. I dont think submission is a gift any more than a smile you give to a stranger passing by in the street is.

feastie -> RE: Dom/me’s obligations. (6/27/2006 3:44:45 AM)
Might be easier to say what a dominant is not: 1. A dominant is not omniscient. His sub/slave must share her thoughts, feelings, etc for him to understand her. 2. A dominant is not superior. 3. A dominant is not ego driven. 4. A dominant is not mean or cruel. 5. A dominant is not lazy. 6. A dominant is not stupid. 7. A dominant is not infallible. 8. A dominant is not unethical. 9. A dominant is not abusive. 10.A dominant is not disrespectful. This could go on...

SirDiscipliner69 -> RE: Dom/me’s obligations. (6/27/2006 3:44:57 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SusanofO None of this really applies to me right now, (or shouldn't, at this point in time, perhaps - but - as long as you're asking, I think this is a great exercise - and thanks for the opportunity to "get it down on paper"). - Susan I think you have a good grasp on what you perceive to be needed. To Me it is a thinking person's relationship that is done in a postive manner for the betterment of both individuals via mental and physical challenges and stimulation. Intelligence and the ability to understand another's perception and continue the communication is important to Me. I like the fact that you mentioned humor ..some see it as a sign of weakness...also compassion is sometimes viewed the same way. I believe logic will always win over brute force in an ongoing relationship. The ability to look at one's mistakes and foibles and be willing to admit a mistake is actually a sign of strength rather than weaknes in My book. I like to view things is a positive manner along the lines of the only time I quit trying is the last time I was sucessful in what I was attempting to do. Sometimes it is the imagery of the relationship..the facade...illusion...fantasy that is more important rather than the personal interactions of people. Break that illusion...so some kinks in the armour...poof...it no longer holds appeal to some...reality vs illusion / fantasy can be sometimes brutal. Then again everything I know could be wrong . ;) Ross

SusanofO -> RE: Dom/me’s obligations. (6/27/2006 3:45:30 AM)
Well I'm making progress, hehe. Actually, now that I think about it, tall and "good looks" doesn't count for much of anything compared to the size of someone's soul. Personality counts for so much more. That's what really matters - to me. If somebody is willing to try to be really a good human being toward other people, it makes a huge impression. Like someone else said, if they treat other people that way, that means they'll probably treat me pretty kindly and fairly, too. The older I get, too, the less I am impressed by money (if I ever was that impressed, which I wasn't). I can and have supported myself, money isn't much of a problem for me and even it was (who wants to starve? Or even come real close - I've "been there", once, too, a loong time ago) but -it's just not - ever- as important as the kind of person someone else is. People can display a caring attitude in all kinds of different ways, and most men really do this differently than most women, probably - it doesn't have to be showy or blatant (but I usually notice people are that way. They probably think nobody's watching. Well, they are wrong). I think that it never makes someone less "macho" - but lots of men out there probably were raised to think differently, I suppose (this, too can be a matter of preference, I guess). To me that's sort of tied into having good judgment, being diplomatic, etc. It's cool when someone is willing to be a "lone wolf" and stand up for what they believe, too, regardless of what others think (an ability to "pick one's battles" in this regard is something I can find impressive, too. Some things aren't worth debating, some are). As far as what makes a good Master after I'd have submitted to someone - well, I guess a good Master knows how to "read" their submissive or slave really well and knows how to draw out their best so that their own needs are served - they communicate well, and hopefully they are both growing (or at least having fun), as a result. I suppose everyone has their own individual list of kinks they prefer, but hopefully, they'd both be very concerned for eachother's emotional and spiritual welfare, whatever it involves. I think it's an outstanding question, actually. - Susan

SusanofO -> RE: Dom/me’s obligations. (6/27/2006 4:00:24 AM)
Yes, good point, feastie. - Susan

bandit25 -> RE: Dom/me’s obligations. (6/27/2006 4:01:49 AM)
This is such a subjective question. What makes a "good" Dom for me may not be the same for someone else. However, I do think there are a few qualities...as Susan mentioned, kindness toward others. I don't see how anyone (although I know they do) can view that as weakness. Someone who cannot be compassionate towards others will not be compassionate toward me. I am human and makes mistakes...my Dom knows that and accepts me for who I am. That's not to say that he may not correct me and I expect that, but he is understanding. And a sense of humor! That is prolly the most important aspect to me. If I can't laugh with him, then there's something wrong. As far as not having limits or being able to say no...I don't think we've ever sat down and listed things out. I don't know that we've had the need to. He reads me very well and we haven't run into any problems there. I do think he's more preceptive at that sort of thing than I am, tho.

JohnWarren -> RE: Dom/me’s obligations. (6/27/2006 5:16:22 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: littlemissub The Dom I am talking to now has said very much the same thing. A slave is allowed hard limits. You should have a safe-word. That word is "No". In being so, if you ever have to tell your Dom/me "No", that means they truly do not know as they should and you should not be together. Sure, they should not understand you completely immediately, but they should only push you as you grow and They do learn you. Hard limits should not exist or be a worry with someone you trust completely and allow yourself to be given over too. I have two problems with this. First, while "no" may be a perfectly good safeword for some people, a number of the people I play with including Libby love to scream "no" during play, sometimes they are quite unconscious that they are doing so. In such cases, another unequivocal term should be chosen for the safeword (which needs not be a single word; "I want this to stop now" is a perfectly valid safeword.) The other is more significant. That is the belief that if someone has to use a safeword the dominant is somehow at fault. Dominants aren't mind readers and people's tolerance even for familiar stimulations vary from day to day. Also, outside influences like cramps and such can call for a suspension of activity. These are all valid uses for safewords.

RavenMuse -> RE: Dom/me’s obligations. (6/27/2006 5:45:00 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Master96 what makes a Dom/me a better partner, and deserve to own his/her sub/slave. A Dom should be able to Master himself else he has little chance of being able to Master someone else. He should take his responcibilitys seriously. He should be honourable, honest and trustworthy, a girl should be able to take him at his word and if he says something will be done she will know it will be done (Unless something drastic like being hit by a bus happens). He will treat her as a person, NOT as a piece of meat. He will take control because it is part of who he is and how he cares NOT because he is an insecure little shit. He will use that control for the benifit of the whole relationship, NOT just to get the girl to jump through hoops to proove the control he has (A Master who is secure KNOWS he has control, will excersise it when needed but has no need to constantly PROOVE it?). He listens and communicates not just talks at his girl.

PlayfulOne -> RE: Dom/me’s obligations. (6/27/2006 6:07:11 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: JohnWarren quote: ORIGINAL: littlemissub The Dom I am talking to now has said very much the same thing. A slave is allowed hard limits. You should have a safe-word. That word is "No". In being so, if you ever have to tell your Dom/me "No", that means they truly do not know as they should and you should not be together. Sure, they should not understand you completely immediately, but they should only push you as you grow and They do learn you. Hard limits should not exist or be a worry with someone you trust completely and allow yourself to be given over too. I have two problems with this. First, while "no" may be a perfectly good safeword for some people, a number of the people I play with including Libby love to scream "no" during play, sometimes they are quite unconscious that they are doing so. In such cases, another unequivocal term should be chosen for the safeword (which needs not be a single word; "I want this to stop now" is a perfectly valid safeword.) The other is more significant. That is the belief that if someone has to use a safeword the dominant is somehow at fault. Dominants aren't mind readers and people's tolerance even for familiar stimulations vary from day to day. Also, outside influences like cramps and such can call for a suspension of activity. These are all valid uses for safewords. Thank you John. There have been the threads lately about how safe words have no place and the thought that if you need a safe word you do not know your sub/slave and you should not be together. I have always thought that was rather BS. As you mentioned bodys change, we all have days where we repsond differently to stimulus and we can't be expected to predicte every mood and moment. Yes I know my girl well, and that can be the problem. I know her too well. I am reading her body and responding to what I see and know. My sadistic streak is much larger than her masochist side so as we are playing I tend to back down when we reach certain points or move forward very slowly. I was holding back and she was at a place where she wanted to be pushed forward. We had many discussons on what she thought she was ready for and I was concerned about her enduring things just to try and make me happy. Fast Forward to this weekend. She asked me to just let go and make her hurt, to make her cry and scream. I let go and pushed her hard and in the middle of it she starts begging for me to please stop and that she would never ask for anything again. That was part of the release for her. I knew she had her safe word in place and I had to trust her to use it just as much as she trust me not to harm her. Her begging for me to stop was not meant to end the play but help her get thru it. Had I stuck to reading what I know about her body and reactions I would have backed down long before the place we finished at. In the end it brought us closer, took our relationshipand play to different levels and would have been terribly more difficult without having the safe word to fall back on. K

ownedgirlie -> RE: Dom/me’s obligations. (6/27/2006 8:49:12 AM)
(Fast Reply) Can we just agree that safe words work for some and not for others, and cut the debate? Color me moody today but I'm a little tired of reading post after post demeaning those who do not use safe words. What does it matter to you? As for what makes a good Dominant...it is subjective. For me it is my Master who took the time to know me inside and out, and make decisions accordingly. As a result, I am a better person for it.

Caretakr -> RE: Dom/me’s obligations. (6/27/2006 8:58:45 AM)
The use of roles and protocols is never an adqeuate sustitute for having basic relationship skills.

txpet -> RE: Dom/me’s obligations. (6/27/2006 9:02:55 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: RavenMuse quote: ORIGINAL: Master96 what makes a Dom/me a better partner, and deserve to own his/her sub/slave. A Dom should be able to Master himself else he has little chance of being able to Master someone else. He should take his responcibilitys seriously. He should be honourable, honest and trustworthy, a girl should be able to take him at his word and if he says something will be done she will know it will be done (Unless something drastic like being hit by a bus happens). He will treat her as a person, NOT as a piece of meat. He will take control because it is part of who he is and how he cares NOT because he is an insecure little shit. He will use that control for the benifit of the whole relationship, NOT just to get the girl to jump through hoops to proove the control he has (A Master who is secure KNOWS he has control, will excersise it when needed but has no need to constantly PROOVE it?). He listens and communicates not just talks at his girl. ::smile:: Thank You ... that was very well said!

TxBadMan -> RE: Dom/me’s obligations. (6/27/2006 9:19:39 AM)
quote: After the thread “Slave Rights ”. And other than what said in the quotes; what makes a Dom/me a better partner, and deserve to own his/her sub/slave. Thanks, Master96, I do not think that there is a standard answer for this question. What makes me a good partner for one girl, would not work with another girl. All I can do is be as honest as I possibly can, in both my expectations and my needs. None of this however, gives me the right to 'deserve' anything. If a girl accepts my conditions, it does not mean that I deserve her; only that we accept each other for what/who we are.

TxBadMan -> RE: Dom/me’s obligations. (6/27/2006 9:24:13 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: littlemissub The Dom I am talking to now has said very much the same thing. A slave is allowed hard limits. You should have a safe-word. That word is "No". In being so, if you ever have to tell your Dom/me "No", that means they truly do not know as they should and you should not be together. Sure, they should not understand you completely immediately, but they should only push you as you grow and They do learn you. Hard limits should not exist or be a worry with someone you trust completely and allow yourself to be given over too. I, too, have a problem with this. My girls scream no at me all the time duing play. Does not mean that I will stop what I am doing. However, both have used the simple phrase ' I can't take anymore', which to me says it's time to stop. Of course, everyone is different, and everyone expresses themselves in different ways. I would never advocate the use of the word No for a safeword though. Just my opinion and preferences though.

txpet -> RE: Dom/me’s obligations. (6/27/2006 9:39:53 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: littlemissub The Dom I am talking to now has said very much the same thing. A slave is allowed hard limits. You should have a safe-word. That word is "No". In being so, if you ever have to tell your Dom/me "No", that means they truly do not know as they should and you should not be together. Sure, they should not understand you completely immediately, but they should only push you as you grow and They do learn you. Hard limits should not exist or be a worry with someone you trust completely and allow yourself to be given over too. The only time i have ever used the word "no" ... and i repeated it over and over ... i meant "no" don't stop ... i believe that everyone should have a safeword but it should be a word that is picked and agreed to before hand that will never be said accidentally ... for me, i also like the word to be short and easy and quickly said because i often get to the point where complete sentences are beyond me and even trying to say "i can't take anymore" would take me awhile to say Master actually had to train me to the point where i would say the saafeword as needed, but He has dones so and i can't imagine being the type of person who wouldn't use the safeword when the actions were leading to damage.

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