SusanofO
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Joined: 12/19/2005
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I like LA's comment on learning the art of the 'half' (white) lie. I see nothing wrong with them at all in the situation described by the OP - or in situations where someone is asking things akin to: "Do these jeans make me look fat?" (if they really do make them look fat, but why say that if they: A). Don't really want to know (and you know they don't really want to know, you know 'em well enough to tell) and -
B). It's just going to hurt their feelings if you say: "Yeah, geez you've put on some pounds lately haven't you"?
Most of the time, bottom -line (for me): Who's it hurting? (plus, if I do decide to opt out of a "white lie" I think could be useful, and be, instead "blunt, or "more honest" (or whatever) - I usually look at my "to-do" list for the day and think: "And just how much time do I want to spend? (after I say whatever), explaining "what I mean by that"?
Unless the topic is extra meaningful to me, that is usually enough to make my decision for me. Lazy of me? Possibly (I do have to ask myself, though, just how much time the other person really would want to hear me opine on their possible weight gain if their jeans really do make them look fat - in the name of my personal quest for more honesty. The answer usually seems to be: Not all that much. So - do I think a "white lie" sometimes completely practical? Almost always.
I have never been in your situation but, as far as your "intentions with their son" you could say something like: "To contribute to his happiness as much as possible - hopefully I'm doing that now - I really love him and want to see him as happy as he can be."
That (I imagine) is true - and the bdsm part of a relationship maybe is not something that's even relevant to answering that. Gosh, currently, almost nobody I know (hardly, sans two people who are not involved in bdsm in anyway, and three that actually are involved in this area of "life-style preference" (sans the people at CM) know I am involved in it. I am not ashamed of it - but it simply doesn't come up as a topic. Well once, with my sister. She knows too, I guess. She doesn't care - I think it was kind of a non-starter for her, as far as being "shocked."
I am a believer that - whether or not you'd "admit it" if someone put a gun to your head to get you to discuss them - there really are areas of one's life that really truly are nobody else's business. This might be one of those areas. So I wouldn't feel too "guilty" or not "open enough", etc. about not "coming clean" or whatever with any of 'em about what it is you two do together.
As far as getting them to like you - you're likeable, right? What's not to like?
You can: Ask them about themsleves and be a good listener (people love to talk about themselves, I think. Especially sometimes, the quiet ones it seems might not have much to say). I once asked my father-in-law, a WWII POW, about his experiences as a fighter pilot during WWII and he want on for hours. He said things his nuclear family members hadn't known about - ever. He got all esxcited (in a good way) talking about it. Nobody had asked him about it much before, I guess (my husband's family is/was also kind of "quiet", so he never volunteered it, either, I am guessing).
I am no expert, but - sometimes I think people can be somewhat 'blown away' by it if you remember something about them that maybe your significant other has mentioned (somebody has gone back to school, or has had surgery) and you inquire "how it's going" - I think it shows you are at least interested in them. As far as that kind of thing being construed as "phony" - to me, even letting that thought cross one's mind may very well be "hair-splitting" if it is the end result you are concerned with anyway (making them feel good about you).
Maybe you could send some of them little note cards to just say "hi", or "thanks for dinner, enjoyed meeting you" etc. - if you're the kind of person who does that kind of thing (some people don't send cards, but - maybe call them instead, to say thanks for dinner). This can be hard for shyer people or around people one wants to impress somehow (it has been for me, on more than one occasion I know).
I was lucky enough to have in-laws who were/are: A). Sane B). Genuinely nice people. I actually like being around them. Some folks aren't that lucky (my sister, for one).
I have wished on occasion, that side of the family would learn to "talk" more (they don't talk much. Gosh, I was raised by parents who almost never stopped talking...but - my husband's family are all pretty quiet and seem a little insulated (not a put down) - but I think they think I am some kind of anomaly or rare species of human they've never seen before because I like to talk (I've felt that on holidays, for years. Talking is something that I've usually thought is better if more than one person does it in a conversation, but will do monologues if necessary, he, he. But still, they are nice people. Not everyone's likes to talk. Some people (some Bhuddists, for instance, think much of it can be 'frivolous'. But of course, they're not logging on to chat-rooms or websites like this one, I imagine either and that's off the topic here anyway).
Good luck with this. - Susan
< Message edited by SusanofO -- 6/24/2006 2:21:50 AM >
_____________________________
"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson
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