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need advice - 6/15/2006 3:47:53 PM

Divinepwr

Posts: 14
Joined: 6/14/2006
Status: offline

Ok I will get to the point and make this short and sweet. I am new to the D/s lifestyle. I have recently been aquainted with it. I involved with a woman who is submissive and we have done some D/s activities and I have definetly established that I am a Domme. The thing is we both started into this way too fast. We are starting over on the dating level not too serious right now. She is playing complete mind games with me like today she accused me of being up to late when I really wasn't up that late. She calls me and says one thing then the other. I don't know whether I should keep pursuing this or not. I like her a lot but wonder if this is even healthy. I hope this makes sense its just a confusing situation in which I have no clue what to do. Any advice on this would be wonderful.

Post #: 1

RE: need advice - 6/15/2006 3:51:40 PM

Arpig

Posts: 9930
Joined: 1/3/2006
From: Increasingly further from reality
Status: offline

You are dating, and she accused you of being up to late?
I would tell her in no uncertain terms that it is none of her damned business when you go to bed.

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(in reply to Divinepwr)

Post #: 2

RE: need advice - 6/15/2006 3:53:01 PM

slavejali

Posts: 2918
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Sounds like she is confused too. Sit down chat and making some defined parameters might help. Also in the start of any new relationship, people are vulnerable, unsure, trust needs to be established....could be just that.

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(in reply to Divinepwr)

Post #: 3

RE: need advice - 6/15/2006 3:53:45 PM

zumala

Posts: 1121
Joined: 6/16/2005
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She's accusing YOU of being up too late? Who's the Domme again?

zuma

(in reply to Arpig)

Post #: 4

RE: need advice - 6/15/2006 3:55:46 PM

Divinepwr

Posts: 14
Joined: 6/14/2006
Status: offline

I agree. It's not only that but her parnoia. She hung up on me. So I left a message saying what is up give me a call. That was about an hour ago. She hasn't called me back to say sorry or anything. She is definetly in the wrong here. So my solution is to let her call me back and if she doesn't it just shows to me that she has no respect for me and that isn't even worth it to pursue. It does hurt me though because we have invested a lot of time in each other and I really saw something in here. Maybe I am overanalyazing and did something wrong somewhere to provoke this but no one deserves to be treated this way. Anyways I just need to vent this.

(in reply to Arpig)

Post #: 5

RE: need advice - 6/15/2006 3:56:06 PM

bklynbbw

Posts: 147
Joined: 10/19/2005
Status: offline

Thats what I was thinking....I had to go back and reread the original post. Hmmm thinking the Domme can go to bed any damn time she pleases.

(in reply to zumala)

Post #: 6

RE: need advice - 6/15/2006 3:59:03 PM

Divinepwr

Posts: 14
Joined: 6/14/2006
Status: offline

I agree with you slavejali. That could be a possibility. We do need to define things but I fear it could be too late for that I think we may have lost each other in the midst of this. I leave the ball in her court. I just wonder if she even cares about me but then again if someone got so parnoid and upset about something so small they maybe they do care about me. I don't normally voice this stuff but I can't help but wonder.

(in reply to zumala)

Post #: 7

RE: need advice - 6/15/2006 3:59:32 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

If your gut tells you something is wrong here it probably is... trust your own intuition.

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Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to Divinepwr)

Post #: 8

RE: need advice - 6/15/2006 4:01:52 PM

Rule

Posts: 10479
Joined: 12/5/2005
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I do not know her. You do. So I will make two suggestions, but caution you that neither may be appropriate. You decide what is appropriate.

If she has a strong personality, listen to her, do not respond to her remarks, and next command her to perform a task, like doing the dishes, painting the fench or whatever. When she repeats her mistake order her again to perform some task.

If she has a small personality, listen to her, command her to bring you a gag and put it in her mouth. Tell her to report back to you when she has gained wisdom, or after half an hour or one hour, and remove the gag. Repeat when the situation calls for it.

(in reply to Divinepwr)

Post #: 9

RE: need advice - 6/15/2006 4:04:34 PM

Divinepwr

Posts: 14
Joined: 6/14/2006
Status: offline

My mind and heart tell me two different things. Love is truely blind. My mind is telling me to get out of this its not healthy. My heart says this girl needs to be protected, loved, disciplined, needs direction. I told her I can not give her 100% right now because of some things that are happening in my life at the present moment. I said once I get those things taken care of I can give you my full self. She agreed. I think she tries to drive me over the edge so that she can get what she wants. Well mind games aren't going to get her anywhere. I am not going to give her what she wants in this case. This sounds so immature but it really has been an issue and I want to get it resolved right now so that we can move on with our lives. Amen!

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 10

RE: need advice - 6/15/2006 4:12:07 PM

Rule

Posts: 10479
Joined: 12/5/2005
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I now get the impression that she is testing you and the relationship to the breaking point, expecting it and you to fail the test. Tell her to stop that nonsense. Be firm about it and put down your foot whenever she tries it again. If so, she just wants to be sure that you won't leave her. Your impression that she is a good egg if only she gets guidance may be correct. So be what you are: a dominant. Do not waver. When she learns that she can trust you, she will stop her testing of the relationship.

If this is indeed her problem, you may also consider counseling.

(in reply to Divinepwr)

Post #: 11

RE: need advice - 6/15/2006 4:15:38 PM

Divinepwr

Posts: 14
Joined: 6/14/2006
Status: offline

I agree Rule. She is testing it. I will communicate this with her. I appreciate all of your advice.

(in reply to Rule)

Post #: 12

RE: need advice - 6/15/2006 4:57:25 PM

ErictheRed12662

Posts: 17
Joined: 3/27/2005
Status: offline

well, if she's playing mind games with you, then perhaps she is either testing it like others have already said, or perhaps SHE wants to be dominant

just a thought there... also, you summed up this story pretty quickly... other than staying up late (which to be honest I think you're overreacting on, she could have just been worried about you), what all has been going on?

try to look at this from her point of view: maybe she doesn't want it to be pure D/s right now. maybe she's confused about it being a real relationship because, as you said, you jumped into that aspect of things too fast. maybe she likes the play, but wants more out of the non-bdsm side right now, and doesn't know how to tell you so she contradicts herself when talking to you.

I'm sorry, but relationships, even bdsm relationships, are not all "oh I'm Domme and you're sub"... there's a person outside of those titles too. unless this is a lifestyle live-in D/s relationship, outside of the scene, you're a girlfriend. stop looking at it like bdsm if that's not solving things, look at it as a relationship.

(in reply to Divinepwr)

Post #: 13

RE: need advice - 6/15/2006 8:34:18 PM

theRose4U

Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Divinepwr

I agree. It's not only that but her parnoia. She hung up on me. So I left a message saying what is up give me a call. That was about an hour ago. She hasn't called me back to say sorry or anything. She is definetly in the wrong here. So my solution is to let her call me back and if she doesn't it just shows to me that she has no respect for me and that isn't even worth it to pursue. It does hurt me though because we have invested a lot of time in each other and I really saw something in here. Maybe I am overanalyazing and did something wrong somewhere to provoke this but no one deserves to be treated this way. Anyways I just need to vent this.

Sounds like she's off medication. Bi-polar maybe? Would explain a lot I think.

_____________________________

Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
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(in reply to Divinepwr)

Post #: 14

RE: need advice - 6/15/2006 8:53:25 PM

PlayfulOne

Posts: 1047
Status: offline

Personally, I would tell her to mind game herself out the door and if at some point in the future she can behave lilke an adult we might discuss her coming back. Then agaiin I've been called a worthless sob and told I am too direct. If there is a problem I am happy to sit down and discuss what is going on and how one is feeling, but I have zero tolerance for silly petty games.

Are you sure your the Domme, because it sounds as if she is the one running the ship. Your guts already tellng you this is wrong and shes trouble. You either need to listen to your gut, or if you feel like you should give things a chance have a long talk to clear the air and set down some specific rules and guidelines. Should she be unwilling or unable to follow them, you know what to do.

K

< Message edited by PlayfulOne -- 6/15/2006 8:54:29 PM >

(in reply to theRose4U)

Post #: 15

RE: need advice - 6/15/2006 9:03:54 PM

KennelDeSade2

Posts: 210
Joined: 9/19/2004
Status: offline

If you wamt to be Domme, there is no time like the present so start carrying the weight. Be responsible, and let her know that the behavior won't be allowed to continue, and if it does, you will put some distance between the two of you, so that things don't devolve into a really bad breakup that there will never be any way back from.

(in reply to Divinepwr)

Post #: 16

RE: need advice - 6/15/2006 9:26:42 PM

Estring

Posts: 3314
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

It sounds like neither one of you should be involved with anybody at this time.

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Post #: 17

RE: need advice - 6/15/2006 9:35:44 PM

mastersayed

Posts: 119
Joined: 3/21/2006
Status: offline

give her love, assurance and maybe a spanking. she's probably just self concious and paranoid.

(in reply to Divinepwr)

Post #: 18

RE: need advice - 6/15/2006 9:46:05 PM

LadyHugs

Posts: 2299
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

Dear Divinepwr, Ladies and Gentlmen;

It seems like this is reading as a repeat that another person I know of just experienced but, roles were reversed.

The 'behavior' appears similar to bi-polar to which is a very difficult mental disorder to deal with on the best of days and times.

In your novice state, there is much to work on alone and not deal with a relationship. The more people you interact with, the more you will learn about the power exchanges, the responsibilities, duties, skills and knowledge in being a dominant. I highly recommend seeking out BDSM support and education groups to grow on your own terms.

One thing that I find a concern, that this lass is considering you a possession. As some say "my" girlfriend, domme or whatever. Your view is acquaintance, which in my mind's eye is lower than friendship. So, certainly you are not in a relationship that is firmly established.

In the conversation, should the lass be accusing you of a behavior, it would tell me the 'intent' more if she expanded on why it is her concern. If it was indeed late by her standard, to which she is tracking you and gaining knowledge about you--it might be a control issue and it will lead to negative results. However, if she was doing so in jest, in a teasing manner that is different yet, I sense this is more negative and disturbs your sense of peace.

You teach people how to treat you Divinepwr. If you tolerate disrespect and false allegations by some stranger, even though an acquaintance, she still is a stranger; then you open yourself to further abuse down the road.

Personally, I would write a list of what you want in this lifestyle and what your ideal slave or submissive would be. Make a standard. I would seek out BDSM support and those with good female on female relationships. I would take your power back as well. Determine where you wish to go and not the other lass.

Follow your gut instincts. You can like somebody but, hate what they do. You can hate someone and like what they do. But, in a D/s and or M/s relationship, you really should attempt to seek somebody you like and like what they do.

Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs

(in reply to Divinepwr)

Post #: 19

RE: need advice - 6/16/2006 5:55:07 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: slavejali
Sounds like she is confused too. Sit down chat and making some defined parameters might help. Also in the start of any new relationship, people are vulnerable, unsure, trust needs to be established....could be just that.

Yeah ditto. The situation is too vague and un-ds related to give better advice than that IMO.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to slavejali)

Post #: 20

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