RE: Telling a partner about humiliation

RE: Telling a partner about humiliation (Full Version)

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graceadieu -> RE: Telling a partner about humiliation (10/4/2012 6:30:32 PM)
OP - what exactly is it that you want her to do? What are you doing now? You mentioned wanting her to share you with other women, and you probably should keep quiet about that if you're monogamous. (It's not a very realistic fantasy for most people anyway.) But I'm sure you could do some other things. She may not be dominant, but she could probably indulge your foot fantasies more as long as you're reasonable about your expectations. Just don't be asking for it all the time, and do nice stuff for her and fulfill her fantasies in turn. Would it be enjoyable for you to sit at her feet and massage her feet every day and give her a pedicure? Because women love that kind of stuff, and if you're good at it and generous about it I bet she'd be willing to do more feet stuff sometimes. Ordering you to kiss her toes or call you a bitch or whatever sure beats paying a pedicurist, lol.

descrite -> RE: Telling a partner about humiliation (10/4/2012 8:15:25 PM)
Seeks, your post breaks my heart, and I feel for you-- I hope you can work it out so you're both satisfied. Sadly, the sexual component is a Need, as much as all the rest; it's impossible to skimp on any given Need without harming the overall (Wants, of course, can be compromised). Your type of situation was exactly what I had in mind when I posted: I know too many people who didn't know themselves at 19, or 25, or even 32, to share themselves with someone else properly. quote: Honesty is always the best policy. That's patently ridiculous. If honesty includes, "Your mother smells like feet," "I am only at this event because I love you," or "your child is ugly and stupid," lie.

kalikshama -> RE: Telling a partner about humiliation (10/5/2012 1:40:52 PM)
Ah, but one can tell the truth with love.

descrite -> RE: Telling a partner about humiliation (10/5/2012 5:21:37 PM)
Show me the love that can survive an hoenst opinion about a mother-in-law, and I will show you heavy medication.

Duskypearls -> RE: Telling a partner about humiliation (10/5/2012 9:37:55 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: descrite Seeks, your post breaks my heart, and I feel for you-- I hope you can work it out so you're both satisfied. Sadly, the sexual component is a Need, as much as all the rest; it's impossible to skimp on any given Need without harming the overall (Wants, of course, can be compromised). Your type of situation was exactly what I had in mind when I posted: I know too many people who didn't know themselves at 19, or 25, or even 32, to share themselves with someone else properly. quote: Honesty is always the best policy. That's patently ridiculous. If honesty includes, "Your mother smells like feet," "I am only at this event because I love you," or "your child is ugly and stupid," lie. Des, I get where you're going and why, but I beg to differ. I see sex as a DESIRE = WANT, strong perhaps, but a desire nonetheless. Needs I consider: food, air, water, shelter, heat. Other than that, I agree with everything you've said. Clever boy. I like ya!

Aswad -> RE: Telling a partner about humiliation (10/5/2012 9:45:42 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus It's very true that no one knows what goes on in our minds. Who knows if some past lover wasn't thinking of Sigourney Weaver! Stop reading my mind. [:D] IWYW, — Aswad.

SexyThoughts -> RE: Telling a partner about humiliation (10/5/2012 9:52:12 PM)
Talk a lot first I mean a lot. People are more willing to consider alternate points of view if it lacks consequences. Split a bottle of wine talking under the stars, and she might see your point of view has slight merit, maybe. And you can build off that down the track But otherwise you're going in cold and neither of you will like that. To use a muggle analogy. Foreplay is important, trying to slide down a waterslide without water hurts.

Aswad -> RE: Telling a partner about humiliation (10/5/2012 10:43:39 PM)
Starting a complete relationship might also help. Without communication, openness, familiarity, respect and so forth, I'm inclined to say one isn't in place. Relationships, apparently, are usually something people sometimes start having at some point after they've been dating for a few years, at times simply because they've run into a bump that means they either have to disband their affiliation or upgrade it to a full blown relationship. [8\|] IWYW, — Aswad.

descrite -> RE: Telling a partner about humiliation (10/5/2012 11:17:43 PM)
Dusky-- I respectfully disagree. It's been a lonnnnng time since high school bio class, but I remember that the defining characteristics of Life included reproduction (if I remember correctly, the others were motility, respiration, ingestion, excretion, and Sneezy)...I know this definition got amended somewhat to account for viruses (are they alive? dead? what are they???)...and a whole new Kingdom got added since I left college (I am old). But I think the sex drive is a Need, and selling it short is one of the saddest elements of our culture; hence the marginalization of us, here on this board, and the promotion of Puritan values in our stead. Someone who has a fetish or is kinky will not be able to sublimate those Needs without skimping on some other portion of the relationship. The LGBT community was forced to do just that for most of the 20th century, and it didn't make for happy marriages, it made for sad, closeted gays and hurt, diminished spouses, with some rather confused children.

littlewonder -> RE: Telling a partner about humiliation (10/5/2012 11:40:19 PM)
Sex is only a need for procreation purposes only. Otherwise, all those who are celibate for one reason or another, would be dead or insane.

LadyPact -> RE: Telling a partner about humiliation (10/6/2012 9:00:36 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: descrite Dusky-- I respectfully disagree. It's been a lonnnnng time since high school bio class, but I remember that the defining characteristics of Life included reproduction (if I remember correctly, the others were motility, respiration, ingestion, excretion, and Sneezy)...I know this definition got amended somewhat to account for viruses (are they alive? dead? what are they???)...and a whole new Kingdom got added since I left college (I am old). But I think the sex drive is a Need, and selling it short is one of the saddest elements of our culture; hence the marginalization of us, here on this board, and the promotion of Puritan values in our stead. Someone who has a fetish or is kinky will not be able to sublimate those Needs without skimping on some other portion of the relationship. The LGBT community was forced to do just that for most of the 20th century, and it didn't make for happy marriages, it made for sad, closeted gays and hurt, diminished spouses, with some rather confused children. Oddly enough, I'm one of those folks who does make the distinction between need and want. Nobody is going to drop dead over a lack of sex or kink. Worst flipping excuse used by those in supposedly monogamous relationships when they cheat on their partners. "Oh, but I have neeeeeeds!!!!" Bullshit. You had a want that you fulfilled. Instead, I would say that people have various degrees of want. What some can not, or will not do, is prioritize them. Very few folks are willing to see their wants as either/or situations. If you can provide Me with legitimate proof of someone's demise over not being humiliated or satisfying their foot fetish, I'm all ears. In the meantime, the fact that I've remained celibate in the past during times My husband was in other countries, and I'm still breathing, counters the argument.

GreedyTop -> RE: Telling a partner about humiliation (10/6/2012 9:28:05 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: descrite Show me the love that can survive an hoenst opinion about a mother-in-law, and I will show you heavy medication. Given that the OP was about the relationship with his WIFE, and NOT his MIL, I do believe that honesty IS the best thing. Honesty between life partners is not the same as saying "oh yeah, your mom is a peach" when talking about sexual desires. it is unfair of a partner to be dishonest about what they want/feel they need in a sexual partner at the gate, and then try to change it up later, when the partner thinks it's all hunky dory. Sexual desires should be stated clearly. It should not bear the burden of totally unrelated issues. and I am not sure I am saying that as clearly as I want.. it's taken me since your first or second post to try to determine how I wanted to say this (and I think I still got it a bit wrong).

descrite -> RE: Telling a partner about humiliation (10/6/2012 11:24:05 AM)
LP: agree-- as an excuse for cheating, it's bad. As a reason for a breakup, it's completely sensible, though. It is fair to say to someone, "I need this [fill in blank] to be sexually fulfilled; I need a partner that will offer that." If a spouse/partner can't or won't, then the spouse has two options: let the Needer find another partner for that specific Thing, or end the relationship. It is ridiculous, in the 21st century, to expect someone to live a life without sexual fulfillment. Obviously, temporary discomfort and displacement (geographical unavailability, as you said) is not the same as lifelong lack. lw, the drive is for procreation/reproduction, which is why it's life-defining; we can use technology (sterilization, birth control) to obviate the results, but the drive is just as strong a motivator whether or not kids are actually popping out. The drive for sex is as strong as the drive for food or water or air. Pretending otherwise is weirdly Puritanical. GT, I think we're agreeing. Sometimes, honesty is not the best policy (such as when discussing your partner's family), while sometimes it makes more sense for everyone involved (discussing sexual needs). But I think you ignored the possibility I was addressing: a person can sometimes learn of their own kinks/fetishes/Needs after they've already entered a relationship (which is unfortunate for both partners). This is not "dishonesty," because they truly were not aware of those Needs until the committment had already been made. Sexual contracts must be fluid and allow for growth and accomodation, or be temporary.

littlewonder -> RE: Telling a partner about humiliation (10/6/2012 3:39:20 PM)
When I was celibate for many many years for spiritual purposes, I had no drive whatsoever for sex. It was not a need. I never once, felt I NEEDED to fuck someone or even masturbate. It just never once even crossed my mind, so no, it isn't a drive. It's just that people tend to focus on it as a "need" and call it a "drive".

SeeksExcellence -> RE: Telling a partner about humiliation (10/6/2012 3:58:04 PM)
Well, that's just bullshit. I won't claim to be an expert on the effects of mental health on physical health and it's fair that some recent posters argue that denial of sex drive won't necessarily lead to immediate death as neglecting respiration, consumption, and excretion would but it doesn't mean denying sex drive is healthy or worthy of high-minded derision. Your personal "truth" isn't proof of anything other than you trained down your sex drive. When my own wife and I started having sex only a few times each year, my own drives diminished but so did other aspects of my personality. Abstinence colors your cognitive abilities and has other detrimental effects. Exceptional people can train themselves to walk on fire and break stone with their hands. Neither of which is proof that you're a specimen of good physical and mental health. That said, sex drive is not an excuse for bad behavior and OP needs to address the matter like an adult.

Kana -> RE: Telling a partner about humiliation (10/6/2012 4:06:22 PM)
Just cuz you have one experience doesn't mean it's universal. Let me drop one of the great rules of life on you-different folk react differently to grief

LadyPact -> RE: Telling a partner about humiliation (10/6/2012 6:30:42 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SeeksExcellence Well, that's just bullshit. I won't claim to be an expert on the effects of mental health on physical health and it's fair that some recent posters argue that denial of sex drive won't necessarily lead to immediate death as neglecting respiration, consumption, and excretion would but it doesn't mean denying sex drive is healthy or worthy of high-minded derision. Your personal "truth" isn't proof of anything other than you trained down your sex drive. When my own wife and I started having sex only a few times each year, my own drives diminished but so did other aspects of my personality. Abstinence colors your cognitive abilities and has other detrimental effects. Exceptional people can train themselves to walk on fire and break stone with their hands. Neither of which is proof that you're a specimen of good physical and mental health. That said, sex drive is not an excuse for bad behavior and OP needs to address the matter like an adult. Spoken very much like someone who can not see that one priority over the other can also be beneficial. What people do not ask themselves often enough is a simple question. Do you love the life you have with your spouse, the person you supposedly love so much, to piss that whole existence off so that you can (what boils down to) get off? Is sex a healthy drive? Yes. At the same time, is it necessarily worth what a person would give up in exchange? Granted, I am biased. I've walked away from kinks before and spent years never giving them a thought. Certainly not activities that I would fuck somebody over for.

footfetishloser -> RE: Telling a partner about humiliation (10/7/2012 1:19:11 AM)
Wow that's a lot of advice and moral indignation guys. Without addressing each point individually as said my wife and I were young when we met, I mean did any of you truly know what you wanted at 21? The truth is my relationship has not been the strongest for a while now, I have had my moments of weakness (unknown to her) filling non fetish wants or needs depending on your philosophical stance, but we share a child and that's the most important thing to me now. I guess to re word the original question; Should I try to explain the less vanilla aspects of my foot and humiliation fetishes (i.e trampling, spitting, tease and denial, verbal humiliation, forced cross dressing) to her? Or is the more sensible and realistic option to just keep on trying to get my jollies elsewhere on an as and when basis? I mean, aren't relationships with secrets generally the happiest ones (according to new psychological investigations) ?

AthenaSurrenders -> RE: Telling a partner about humiliation (10/7/2012 1:53:05 AM)
Yes, I knew what I wanted at 21. I married my Master the day I turned 20. And you originally said that you always knew you were into it. It sounds like you're looking for justification to cheat, to be honest. Yes, for god's sake, tell her about your kinks if they are important to your happiness. You are supposed to be a team. How do you think she would feel if she caught you cheating because you wanted your kinks fulfilling that you hadn't even told her about? That would be a marriage-ending secret to me. And if you're going to do that, just end the marriage gracefully and save her the shame. How would you feel if she went outside the marriage and used the excuse 'well I had kinks to explore' - would you think that was ok or would you think 'why didn't you give me the chance to explore them with you' or even 'why are your kinks more important than our marriage?' You know what, I do think a sex drive is a healthy drive. I also think marriage and family are the most serious commitments a person can make. Why not at least try to reconcile the two before throwing one out of the window? When your marriage ends because you were licking someone else's feet behind her back, you WILL come out as the bad guy. If you're afraid of people learning about your kinks, wouldn't it be much more embarrassing that they all knew you were cheating while your wife was home caring for your young child?

LadyPact -> RE: Telling a partner about humiliation (10/7/2012 2:17:54 AM)
So, are you saying you're already cheating on her? That's over and above the fetishes that you want her to indulge you about? Dude, call it moral indignation all that you want. Obviously, there are people on the planet that think you have an option to be a better human being. If the relationship isn't strong, maybe you could put your efforts into strengthening it. Have you thought about some counseling? If the marriage is beyond repair, or you are too far apart in your interests, there's no shame in realizing that possibility later in life, getting the divorce, and moving on so you both can be happy. You say that the child you share is the most important thing in your life. Are your actions teaching that child to be an honorable person? I'm not talking about your kink. I'm talking about the way you are treating the child's mother by indulging in activities behind her back, the lying, deception, and whatever else is going on. That "child" isn't going to be a child forever and when Mom breaks it out someday that the reason she got hurt is because of not being treated right, how well do you think that's going to go? I'll be very honest with you. Lots of people come here and think because this is a kink site, that whatever they do in the name of kink, or sexual needs, or whatever, is cool because, HEY, those kinky folks are so lacking in moral character that everything a person does is ok. What is failed to be realized is that we also tend to be really big on honesty, trust, and ethics. Sure, like anywhere else, you'll find some folks who will tell you that whatever gets your rocks off is ok and fuck how it effects everybody else, but it's not universal. Yes, you do need to talk to your wife, but it doesn't need to be about your fetishes. It needs to be about your marriage and about BOTH of you having the best future possible. Better options exist and right now, you're cheating both of you out of them. And, while I know I'm wasting My breath (keystrokes) and it's really rare that cheaters show up on these message boards and what is said here turns somebody's life around, I just want you to be reminded that you have the CHOICE to be a better man. It's NOT that I'm being hard on you. I just know you can do better.

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