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RE: When do you settle? - 7/13/2012 3:32:54 PM

kitkat105

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Nobody's perfect, but you can find someone that's pretty fucking awesome. Just my experience.

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RE: When do you settle? - 7/13/2012 3:37:01 PM

LadyPact

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kitkat, that's what the men in My life say.

And who in the hell said invade. I'm not invaded. I conquer.

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RE: When do you settle? - 7/13/2012 3:49:24 PM

OsideGirl

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quote:

ORIGINAL: kitkat105

Nobody's perfect, but you can find someone that's pretty fucking awesome. Just my experience.

He may not be perfect, but he's perfect for me!

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RE: When do you settle? - 7/13/2012 8:16:36 PM

ResidentSadist

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Long ago I was given sage advice by a very sweet submissive. Her and her Master were good friends and had an insight into my personal life and preferences. She said that I had previously been blessed and it may not be easy to find another poly/bi/maso/slave. She suggested I prioritize whether BDSM or poly was more important and seek someone that filled my major requirements.

I lent myself to her theory of "settling". I increased my scope to include submissives and for 3 of the 5 basic (poly/bi/maso/slave/sub) common interests outside the normal relationship requirements like being emotionally balanced and intelligent. I broadened my "unicorn" requirements and formed some new relationships with relative ease. My relationships were poly as a priority and I got all my needs met by the collective. The results were nice and several relationships lasted many years. It made the time pass pleasantly, but I didn't find a life partner.

I cannot describe the difference between settling, getting all your needs spread out over a collective in a poly verses having everyone compatible on all levels, but it is a significant difference as many have mentioned, in the very long run it just doesn't pan out. I recently met a girl that is compatible on all levels and I feel deeply content again, more so than when I have settled.

For me settling has worked and for many, getting 2 or 3 years worth of good relationship is pretty nice deal. The only loss I feel is that I invested time in relationships that weren't with life partners, but that is true for every relationship that isn't currently active whether it lasted 20 years or 2 years. I am grateful for them, the good times, the love and passion we shared. I don't think settling is harmful unless you make it out to be something it isn't. If you lie about who you are or what your needs are that isn't settling, that is deception.

< Message edited by ResidentSadist -- 7/13/2012 9:00:38 PM >

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RE: When do you settle? - 7/14/2012 9:32:41 AM

Missokyst

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Brilliant.
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quote:

ORIGINAL: ResidentSadist
I don't think settling is harmful unless you make it out to be something it isn't. If you lie about who you are or what your needs are that isn't settling, that is deception.

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RE: When do you settle? - 7/14/2012 2:16:04 PM

sheisreeds

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I guess I fundamentally disagree with the definition. Would it be great if my partner made more money? Yeah. Would it be great for him if I was less up tight? Totally. Did either of us settle, No.

Settling in my experience was always the biggest fear when I was less experienced with relationships, and it bit me in the ass when I least expected it. Settling happened when I stopped asking myself everyday if I was happy, and it only got worse when I stopped caring whether or not I was. It had nothing to do with anything tangible with my ex, it was something missing in the way we interacted. It was the thing I didn't know to look for.

My relationship has plenty of dark spots, and issues. Though everyday when we wake up, and every night before we go to sleep we ask ourselves whether or not we're happy. So long as the answer is yes (or we are willing to take measures to get it back to yes) we're going to keep doing it.

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RE: When do you settle? - 7/14/2012 2:20:59 PM

Toppingfrmbottom

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Depends on what that one major thing was. If it was something so big as to end a relationship, i never would have gotten involved in the first place.

But if it was something that cropped up later after being together for a long time, say like lying about stuff you have absolutely no freakin reason to lie about or constantly for years denying the other intimacy they want and need ? Then yes, i might end the relationship. Honesty is a big thing for me and for relationships i am in. If that was there in the beginning and changed, and several heart to heart talks and honest communication haven't fixed that, I'd eventually be packing my bags.

quote:

ORIGINAL: chatterbox24

IM always curious about the way people think about relationships what they settle for, what they dont, what their deal breakers are.

In a relationship if you had it all but one major thing was missing, what would that one major thing be that would end it all?

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RE: When do you settle? - 7/14/2012 3:00:16 PM

stellauk

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FR

I also don't have a 'tick box' strategy for relationships. in fact, to me trying to find someone for a relationship makes about as much sense as buying furniture and a fitted kitchen when you don't have a house.

Relationships aren't something I plan, but what results from the spontaneous results or outcomes of sharing intimacy with someone.

Some of the most special memories in my life and some of my best experiences come from times when I wasn't anticipating a relationship and some of those were shared with people I hadn't envisaged being in a relationship with. So much has been gained and so much learned from these experiences alone.

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RE: When do you settle? - 7/14/2012 5:58:30 PM

sophia37

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I am 53 years old now. So sure I'll settle! I'll settle for someone in my age group who probably doesn't have the perfect body. I'll settle on a guy who might not have much hair. I could settle for a person who's got some baggage. I might settle on someone who's lost money in the stock market or has a devalued house.

I mean lets get real. There are plenty of perfectly fine imperfect people who try to lead decent lives. And unfortunately Ive met so many women who refuse to "settle" because a person's not adding up to 100% of our wants. As if we are all Bo derek the perfect ten. But sure carry on. So much more fun reading about how we all wont settle.

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RE: When do you settle? - 7/14/2012 6:46:03 PM

Kaiel

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

quote:

ORIGINAL: chatterbox24

IM always curious about the way people think about relationships what they settle for, what they dont, what their deal breakers are.

In a relationship if you had it all but one major thing was missing, what would that one major thing be that would end it all?

I have never EVER settled and wouldn't.

Either I am compatible with someone or I am not. I don't measure relationships using checklists.

Maybe when I was younger. I "tolerated" or settled for things that I usually wouldn't. However, As I have grown older, I never EVER would settle.

< Message edited by Kaiel -- 7/14/2012 7:42:15 PM >

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RE: When do you settle? - 7/14/2012 7:04:08 PM

littlewonder

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quote:

ORIGINAL: sophia37

I am 53 years old now. So sure I'll settle! I'll settle for someone in my age group who probably doesn't have the perfect body. I'll settle on a guy who might not have much hair. I could settle for a person who's got some baggage. I might settle on someone who's lost money in the stock market or has a devalued house.

I mean lets get real. There are plenty of perfectly fine imperfect people who try to lead decent lives. And unfortunately Ive met so many women who refuse to "settle" because a person's not adding up to 100% of our wants. As if we are all Bo derek the perfect ten. But sure carry on. So much more fun reading about how we all wont settle.

I guess if you find those things you listed as important enough that you need to settle, then yeah...go ahead, settle.

But those things you listed were never and never will be important to me. They were never on my list of something a man has to have for me to even want to date him. I don't care about money or how much he lost or why or anything else having to do with finances, except that he can take care of himself.

So thankfully, I never settled.

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RE: When do you settle? - 7/14/2012 10:47:03 PM

Greta75

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I don't know what is settling. What if all the amazing things about him is super amazing that awes you all the time, and then he just has one bad point that also drives you completely mad.
Is it settling, because his not perfect?
I often thought about this.
With my x-husband, although again he was not perfect, but he did fulfill 90% of all my criteria.

What is not settling? Looking for that 100%?

< Message edited by Greta75 -- 7/14/2012 10:49:04 PM >

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RE: When do you settle? - 7/14/2012 10:58:54 PM

sexyred1

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DeviantlyD

How do you have "a phenomenal connection" with someone who doesn't feel for you what you feel for him?

Of course you can. It is called Chemistry. Chemistry can exist without love or reciprocal love.

I had an extremely long last relationship with someone I had phenomenal chemistry with. The kind of chemistry you would kill for, from a sexual and physical standpoint.

However, we were not compatible and we tried too hard to make it work even though we knew we were missing the essential connection. It is very difficult to be in love with someone who is bad for you.

The fact that I stayed far longer than I should have, is settling. I will never do that again, EVER. I stayed because he constantly told me he loved me, but his actions proved differently.

Nothing is worse than the feeling that love is not enough and the other person will never be what you really need. But you have to face the fact or waste even more time; settling.

< Message edited by sexyred1 -- 7/14/2012 11:00:04 PM >

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RE: When do you settle? - 7/14/2012 11:01:54 PM

LadyHibiscus

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Absolutely, Sexyred.

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RE: When do you settle? - 7/14/2012 11:02:00 PM

CRYPTICLXVI

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quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

quote:

ORIGINAL: DeviantlyD

How do you have "a phenomenal connection" with someone who doesn't feel for you what you feel for him?

Of course you can. It is called Chemistry. Chemistry can exist without love or reciprocal love.

I had an extremely long last relationship with someone I had phenomenal chemistry with. The kind of chemistry you would kill for, from a sexual and physical standpoint.

However, we were not compatible and we tried too hard to make it work even though we knew we were missing the essential connection. It is very difficult to be in love with someone who is bad for you.

The fact that I stayed far longer than I should have, is settling. I will never do that again, EVER. I stayed because he constantly told me he loved me, but his actions proved differently.

Nothing is worse than the feeling that love is not enough and the other person will never be what you really need. But you have to face the fact or waste even more time; settling.

This...

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RE: When do you settle? - 7/15/2012 8:58:36 AM

DreamyLadySnow

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Wow. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who 'settled' for me. No one can be our everything. We have lots of needs and I'm not sure any one person can meet them all.
Respect for self, me, others - that's my dealbreaker. They MUST have it.

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