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Girlfriend wants rough sex; I'm a domestic abuse survivor - 5/28/2012 5:10:18 PM   
JCCantPlayRugby


Posts: 1
Joined: 5/28/2012
Status: offline 		Hi CM, long time lurker in need of some advice.
Before I met my current girlfriend, I was in two long-term relationships with abusive women. (I am also female.) I eventually got out of both relationships, and can see myself staying with my current girlfriend for a very long time. We are currently long-distance while she finishes up college.

The other night, we were chatting over skype about our sex life, asking if there was anything we could do to make it better for the other. She brought up the fact that she wants to be pushed around during sex. When I asked her to explain more, she said she wants me to be "a lot more aggressive, shoving, pulling me where you want me, stuff like that." I'm terrified that "stuff like that" includes hitting and/or verbal abuse, because that's definitely outside of my comfort level. She knows my history and said she understands if I don't want to do any of this, but I want to at least try since it's what she wants.

I want to know if there's anything I can do to help me separate my real-life abuse from the kinky "abuse" my girlfriend is asking for, because although we have used bondage equipment to tie each other up, the idea of bullying my girl and treating her how the girls I escaped from treated me really freaks me out.

< Message edited by JCCantPlayRugby -- 5/28/2012 5:16:32 PM >
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RE: Girlfriend wants rough sex; I'm a domestic abuse su... - 5/28/2012 5:20:07 PM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline 		The best thing you can do is to keep talking to her about how you feel.  It seems as though you are both communicating well already, so that's half the battle.

Take it slow, and when you reach the end of your comfort level, stop. It sounds like she will be understanding and is willing to go at your pace.

(in reply to JCCantPlayRugby)
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RE: Girlfriend wants rough sex; I'm a domestic abuse su... - 5/29/2012 12:02:39 PM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline 		Have been hit in the face both consensually and not, I can tell you there is a world of difference in my reaction depending on the intent of the hitter. Just take it slow and stop if you get triggered. Safewords aren't just for the receivers - feel free to safeword to stop. You may not be wired to Top or Dom, and that's fine, but it IS possible to separate real vs consensual abuse.

I would interpret "a lot more aggressive, shoving, pulling me where you want me, stuff like that" as a physical control thing, rather than a pseudo violent thing. If you've pulled her hair, how do you like this?

When I get massaged, I like it to be so deep that it hurts, so it's not surprising that I love to be hit with big, heavy floggers. This isn't the least bit abusive to me; I feel lucky when I met someone who is into flogging.

However, when I've watched an impact play demo in which he is hitting her with boxing gloves, my mind has a hard time not seeing this as abusive, even though intellectually I know they are a long term couple, yada, yada.

"The Topping Book: Or Getting Good at Being Bad" was useful to my (now ex) husband and I when we were newbies. The new edition is The New Topping Book

FWIW, one author is lesbian and I've seen complaints by reviewers about "Topping from a Female view" and "lesbian point of view," which may or may not be a plus for you.

(in reply to JCCantPlayRugby)
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RE: Girlfriend wants rough sex; I'm a domestic abuse su... - 5/29/2012 12:15:14 PM   
BurntKitty


Posts: 3340
Joined: 9/7/2010
From: Here To Eternity.
Status: offline 		That's an excellent choice of books, as is The Loving Dominant by John Warren.

OP, as kalikshama mentioned hair pulling that's a good, yet slow way to start. Grab a fistful of her hair from the back (close to the scalp) and slowly pull her toward you and kiss her as if possessing her - body & soul.

Best of luck to you both. As long as you communicate, you'll work it all out.



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(in reply to kalikshama)
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RE: Girlfriend wants rough sex; I'm a domestic abuse su... - 5/29/2012 3:47:07 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		Have you told her of your experiences and trauma?? If not, that's the first place to start.

Imo, if you are not comfortable with it then tell her and don't do it. Seek therapy as well since it seems as though you may still be having a difficult time dealing with your past.

If she gets angry and upset because you won't do it then you know where your relationship lies with her.


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RE: Girlfriend wants rough sex; I'm a domestic abuse su... - 5/29/2012 9:04:16 PM   
ProlificNeeds


Posts: 1061
Joined: 5/19/2007
Status: offline 		FR~

If you're not comfortable with it, just tell her so. Alternatively though, does she want maybe something 'forceful' but does the element of control appeal more than that icky 'losing control' situation you have had experience with before?

Example -
She says "I wanna be pushed around."
You offer alternative "What about being tied instead?"

Clearly I don't know what you're comfortable with or not, but try offering a different kink that you feel okay with, that might still sate her desire for 'rough-stuff' sex. In my experience too girls who want 'roughing up' don't actually want to be abused, they want to feel that edge of helplessness or submission to someone elses control, and just don't have the experience to create any other fantasy scenario in their mind.

(in reply to littlewonder)
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RE: Girlfriend wants rough sex; I'm a domestic abuse su... - 5/31/2012 7:06:26 PM   
Lucifyre


Posts: 1067
Joined: 3/27/2012
Status: offline 		You can be forceful without being violent. It's all about your delivery. Someone above mentioned hair pulling (one of my favorite things btw) you can wrap your fingers in her hair and slowly guide her where you want her, then talk dirty to her and tell her all the things you're gonna "make" her do. Trust me when i say you likely won't need to make her do abything she'll be so turned on by what you say.

< Message edited by Lucifyre -- 5/31/2012 7:07:43 PM >

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RE: Girlfriend wants rough sex; I'm a domestic abuse su... - 6/5/2012 2:14:03 PM   
fucktoyprincess


Posts: 2337
Status: offline 		I see two things going on here. One has to do with your rational side and your previous experiences, and the other has to do with your emotional/psychological reactions to the same.

To me, BDSM play is consensual activity between two adults. And so, by definition, for me, it is not, and can't ever be, "abuse". A BDSM relationship can turn abusive, but that is generally only when things cross a line (that line could be a hard limit, consent, or some other line that is specific to the couple). So if your prior relationships were "abusive", as I think of that term, then it means things were done to you that you did not agree to or approve of such that there was no consent. And I am sure you are aware of the fact that it can be difficult to extricate oneself from an abusive partner.

So rationally, consensual play between you and your new partner, provided it is completely consensual, and you negotiate a safe word, or some similar mechanism, to allow her to signal to you when she is not interested in going further, is not the same thing as a abusive relationship at all. So rationally, if you set things up properly, the two of you should be able to explore without you having to worry that it is turning abusive.

However, I will also add that any abusive relationship leaves its scars. So there is the danger of the BDSM dynamic triggering unwanted/repressed emotions/psychological issues for you that have not yet been resolved. And those issues still need to be handled by you. And I don't know if they can be properly handled as you explore this new relationship, or whether they really need to be dealt with separately before embarking on this.

The goal should be a healthy, mutually fulfilling, consensual relationship for the two of you. But part of me senses that that can't happen until you resolve some issues around your prior abusive relationships (including why and how you ended up in not just one, but two of them). If you feel you have resolved them sufficiently then I would just carry on, but something tells me the very fact that you asked the question that you did suggests you are still resolving your issues around the abuse. And you are entitled to the time and space to resolve those issues properly. Maybe you will be ready for this type of relationship, but not quite yet? I'm only speculating. Only you know what is actually going on and whether you are ready for this step or not.

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(in reply to JCCantPlayRugby)
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RE: Girlfriend wants rough sex; I'm a domestic abuse su... - 7/4/2012 1:39:19 PM   
crazyml


Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline 		I can't add anything whatsoever to the really awesome and thoughtful posts others have made, I just wanted to wish you the best and to tip my hat to the fucking awesome people that have replied so far.

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(in reply to JCCantPlayRugby)
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RE: Girlfriend wants rough sex; I'm a domestic abuse su... - 7/7/2012 5:50:52 AM   
evesgrden


Posts: 597
Joined: 6/9/2012
Status: offline 		It sounds like she wants more physical intensity, which is VERY different from bullying. Perhaps you should think in terms of raw passion. Grabbing a fistful of hair and kissing her hard, but hold her tight because her knees will buckle if she gets off on it, throwing her down on the bed and pinning her arms over her head as you kiss her again... and watch her melt.

Context is everything. In the absence of fear and distress, this might not even be an issue for you so take it slow and talk about it as everyone said, but don't assume you'll have a problem. Be vigilant for it, but don't assume it. She may want to feel your strength and your power and that physical force is one expression of it. She may want to just go limp and lose herself in you. She may want the adrenaline rush that one gets from a struggle; and remember that there's a big difference between anticipation and apprehension. It's context.

Keep talking with her about it. Find out what it is she's looking to feel. You know what you want to protect her from, and you know what you don't want to jump into this blindly if it's going to make you relive traumatic scenarios.

I took care of my father for his last few years, and my motto was "we will find a way" for whatever it was that he wanted, or that needed to be done. The two of you together will talk, and find a way that your fears can be allayed, and your girlfriend's desires can be met. Once you put a problem into words, it makes it much more concrete and therefore solvable :)

good luck

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(in reply to crazyml)
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RE: Girlfriend wants rough sex; I'm a domestic abuse su... - 7/7/2012 1:29:07 PM   
Endivius


Posts: 1238
Joined: 8/22/2011
Status: offline 		another necro thread.

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RE: Girlfriend wants rough sex; I'm a domestic abuse su... - 7/7/2012 4:52:36 PM   
ARIES83


Posts: 3648
Status: offline 		Necro thread?
What you mean? Dead?
I thought it has a valid OP and
some considerate replies...?

If you mean its already been answered
pretty well and job well done, then I
agree.

Lafay:
"The best thing you can do is to keep talking to her about how you feel.  It seems as though you are both communicating well already, so that's half the battle.

Take it slow, and when you reach the end of your comfort level, stop. It sounds like she will be understanding and is willing to go at your pace."


Sounds good to me.

-ARIES

< Message edited by ARIES83 -- 7/7/2012 4:53:51 PM >

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RE: Girlfriend wants rough sex; I'm a domestic abuse su... - 7/7/2012 6:41:24 PM   
Muttling


Posts: 1612
Joined: 9/30/2007
Status: offline 		Lots of GREAT advice above. Here's my addition....


FIRST, you must ask yourself if this is something you're willing to try to please your significant other and you need to consider what your strict limits are. Since you're on this site, it appears that you are willing to try this within limits and I encourage you to do so.

SECOND, dominance and taking control of a submissive doesn't have to be violent at all. It may be that you can meet her desires without doing the things that are difficult for you. Simply pinning an arm under you and holding the other wrist above her head while you masturbate her or fondle her is quite arousing for a submissive. Most desire more, but that's a great level of control to start from and control aspects can easily be accomplished with no impact play at all.

THIRD, rough play is a very different emotion than abuse. It comes with love and care as well as a willingness to stop, this allows the submissive/ masochist to enjoy the rough play. True abuse is NOT fun and is a bad thing that comes with bad emotions. Talk to her about starting light and about having safe words in part for her well being but also for your comfort in knowing that you're giving her pleasure by you being in control and giving a fun level of discomfort to her. Then play lightly to start and my safe word suggestion is to ask her during the play "What color are you?" She should say Green to mean I'm doing great keep it up or even Bright Green to mean she's really liking it, Yellow to mean she's nearing the limit, and Red to mean lets stop n cuddle. Normally we use these words to be safe for the submissive, but they can also be used to give the Dominant a comfort level and know that it's what the submissive actually desires.

My last suggestion is to NOT talk about these things immediately before and especially not just after play time. Let those times be for letting the relationship happen and for enjoying the closeness that comes with this kind of a relationship. Have these talks in a very vanilla setting.

(in reply to ARIES83)
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RE: Girlfriend wants rough sex; I'm a domestic abuse su... - 7/8/2012 8:46:28 AM   
Dresproperty


Posts: 202
Joined: 6/30/2012
Status: offline 		For me there is a BIG difference between consensual kink and abuse. However my suggestion is if its not something you are comfortable doing then don't. Doing things just on the basis that someone else wants you to do it~no matter how much you care for them~will just build resentment. If its something you want to try then take babysteps while keeping lines of communication open. I wixh you the best of luck :-)


-Bella

Being a slave isnt what I do its who I am.

(in reply to Muttling)
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RE: Girlfriend wants rough sex; I'm a domestic abuse su... - 7/8/2012 11:11:45 AM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: JCCantPlayRugby
I want to know if there's anything I can do to help me separate my real-life abuse from the kinky "abuse" my girlfriend is asking for.

Sure there is. It's easy. Is she asking for you to abuse her? If not, then what's the rub? If so, then run for the hills.

For the record, it IS possible to start slow and stop wherever you want. "Rough" could be as simple as grabbing her hair and pulling her mouth in for a kiss. Sure sure, subs like to talk in aggressive hyperbole. But you might substitute the word "assertive" for "rough" at least as a starting point and see where that gets you.


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officially a member of the K Crowd

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RE: Girlfriend wants rough sex; I'm a domestic abuse su... - 7/8/2012 11:25:25 AM   
MstrPBK


Posts: 573
Joined: 1/2/2008
Status: offline 		I call this a case where the OP has to decide on their own comfort level. I have never been there but ... I perceive that domestic abuse can have some negative side effects which may or may not have been sorted out in the OP own life yet. Personally I do not believe that S&M, and the like, ought to be used as 'therapy' for sexual abuse victims or past aggressors of domestic violence.

MstrPBK
St. Paul, MN USA

(in reply to JeffBC)
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RE: Girlfriend wants rough sex; I'm a domestic abuse su... - 8/4/2012 9:55:56 PM   
Silentrunner26


Posts: 424
Joined: 7/15/2009
Status: offline 		First set up boundries as to how far you will go . Then start off light push her on the bed grab her legs and act like she is a doll and move her where you wnat her . If it starts to get to you just back off till your ok and move again . Take things slow and move on with what your ok with .

(in reply to MstrPBK)
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