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RE: Has this happened to you? - 6/5/2006 2:24:51 AM

irishbynature

Posts: 551
Joined: 5/11/2006
Status: offline

As long as the married spouse (be a Dom or a sub) explains their needs first and if the spouse cannot understand or meet that D/s need...THEN...an agreement must be established. One agreement called, "Open Marriage" is one solution. Divorce does not have to be the case in all situations. Some vanilla spouses do understand and allow their partners to find lovers in D/s to get their needs fullfilled. Best thing to do is level the issue, come out with it and be who you are. If your spouse says, "Get out"....well, at least you tried and were honest.

_____________________________

What seems nasty, painful, or evil, can become a source of beauty, joy, and strength, for those who have the vision to recognize it as such. Henry Miller

(in reply to skylark)

Post #: 21

RE: Has this happened to you? - 6/5/2006 5:54:47 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: cruelwhisper
Would you or would you not have met her?
Why or why not?

Nope, don't need the drama.

If someone wants to use me as their fantasy outlet, I'd prefer it be out in the open and free without the dramatic hang-ups of having an affair.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to cruelwhisper)

Post #: 22

RE: Has this happened to you? - 6/5/2006 6:05:54 AM

becca333

Posts: 1050
Joined: 4/11/2006
Status: offline

You did the right thing. If her husband knew she was looking for something outside the marriage, and agreed to it, then fine. Assuming you wanted to meet her, of course.

But the whole cheating thing always leads to trouble.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 23

RE: Has this happened to you? - 6/5/2006 7:32:18 AM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

a few years ago I came across a lovely but nieve submissive woman in an online chat room. She was a woman of more than a few years and was in a happy marriage of many years. As happy as she was in her marriage, there was this a part that was unfilling in her submissive personality as well as in her desire to explore her sexuality. Instead of approaching her husband, she looked out from the relationship to learn and explore. Frankly, she might of not ever of explored her inner desires out of her marriage. The character of the women would not allowed her to cross that line. However, her desires and needs was pushing her in that direction if she continued to hide these from her husband. Over the course of a few weeks and several conversations, she found the courage to confide in the man she has loved from childhood and the only man that touched her in over 30 years. After she confided in her husband, she was rewarded with a man that choose to learn and walk with her in exploring her desires and needs. Several months afterwards, I had the pleasure to meet them both and recieved a warm thank you from a gratefully woman.

The right thing for many is not to engage in a relationship that lacks integrity. However, I would suggest that assessing a person's character can allow you to determine if such a person is actually in conflict. Sometimes such people situations put them in a conflict between their desires/needs and their values/principles. Often such people just need alittle light to show them another option. The very character of the person will help and drive them to the choices that take them out of inner conflict and still find the ways to meet their desires and needs.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to cruelwhisper)

Post #: 24

RE: Has this happened to you? - 6/5/2006 7:56:51 AM

RavenMuse

Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: cruelwhisper
Why or why not?

I don't cheat and won't knowingly be involved in a situation where someone else is doing so! End of story!

_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to cruelwhisper)

Post #: 25

RE: Has this happened to you? - 6/5/2006 8:52:26 AM

Proprietrix

Posts: 756
Joined: 7/15/2005
From: Ohio/West Virginia
Status: offline

I would have met her for coffee if her husband came along as well. :)

_____________________________

IMO, IMHO, YMMV, AFAIK, to me, I see it as, from my perspective, it's been my experience, I only speak for myself, (and all other disclaimers here).

(in reply to RavenMuse)

Post #: 26

RE: Has this happened to you? - 6/5/2006 9:05:55 AM

missturbation

Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: enigmabrat

Good for you Sir
Never get involved with someone married it isnt right and it makes you just as bad as the married person for playing along.
It is very bad that she would do this and it makes her not a very good person.
not someone you want to get involved with. You may be the next one she cheets on!!

I have been in this position, my last Master was a married man who's wife had no inclination of his cheating on her never mind his d/s side. I have felt guilt over this but it does not make me a bad person to fall head over heels in love with someone.
I would request of anyone judging those who are married or get involved with someone who is married to stop and take the time to think that maybe there are good reasons for this and every situation is different.

_____________________________

What you don't witness with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth. Proverb.

If it fit's in a toaster, i can cook it.

Buying 10 item's or less is not shopping !!

(in reply to enigmabrat)

Post #: 27

RE: Has this happened to you? - 6/5/2006 9:11:23 AM

CreativeDominant

Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: cruelwhisper

The other night when I was online a rather sensual submissive contacted me.

She was from my area and wanted to meet, seems her husband wasn't interested in her submissive side, or didn't know about it....

Fed up, she was looking outside her marriage to get the sexual dominating she wanted.

I politely declined, gentleman that I am. <No, I won't give you her name! lol>

My question to you is this -

Would you or would you not have met her?

No, I would not have met her.

quote:

Why or why not?

The only time I have been involved with a married submissive, her husband was well aware of the situation. He was dominant and she did not feel submissive to him...too many years of running the household. He had his own submissive. I made my own mistakes along the lines of not letting my partner know what I was doing and it only led to heartache for all involved...won't go there again.

(in reply to cruelwhisper)

Post #: 28

RE: Has this happened to you? - 6/5/2006 9:24:49 AM

Fawne

Posts: 462
Status: offline

Good for you, OP! May you find what you seek :)

Sneaking cheaters - You make finding a serious partner harder for sincere singles and those frankly polyamorous !

Now, honest single people have a tough time just to "prove" they are single!
Not surprisingly, those who are deceitful don't give a flying f about others.

"Cheaters" out there: actions show character.
You could very well lose all by your short sightedness.

I do understand the pain felt by a person who is unfulfilled. I also realize that there are exceptions, that may preclude honesty - but they are rare.

Knight of Mists tale is beautiful, do most agree?
COMMUNICATION! All won!!! All happy!!!
TY for sharing that, KOM.

OP: best of luck!
fawne

For those who don't understand why honesty is important ...

< Message edited by Fawne -- 6/5/2006 10:06:58 AM >

(in reply to RavenMuse)

Post #: 29

RE: Has this happened to you? - 6/5/2006 10:35:23 AM

MasterRenegade77

Posts: 1852
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: Upstate N.Y. (Broome Co.)
Status: offline

I don'r even consider Marrieds... Glad You didn't get involved w/her, I always think, "What if I were the Husband"??? Thinks she should get it straight W/him or get out of the marriage before she plays!!!

(in reply to cruelwhisper)

Post #: 30

RE: Has this happened to you? - 6/5/2006 12:01:46 PM

fun2getspanked

Posts: 26
Joined: 4/14/2006
Status: offline

I get married men asking me to play all the time, even when my personal ad says "no married men!". I politely tell them they can ruin their own relationships all by themselves, they do not need my help, LOL!
Spanked

(in reply to skylark)

Post #: 31

RE: Has this happened to you? - 6/5/2006 12:13:56 PM

BrattyBottomRN

Posts: 73
Joined: 4/3/2006
Status: offline

Well, I guess this just makes me a steaming pile of shit, doesn't it?

Think what you want, but yep, I'm married. I have a daughter. My husband is a wonderful man and wonderful father but I've been trying to get him to see the kinkier side of things for YEARS and it just won't happen. He just isn't into it. So I have a regular Master who I see weekly. And my husband doesn't know about it. I feel fulfilled and happy in my life. If that makes me an awful person, then fine. I'm an awful, terrible, cruel horrible person and I'm going straight to hell. But my marriage is doing well and I am a better wife and mother because I am fulfilled in all aspects of my life. Why get divorced from a perfectly good relationship when simple weekly BDSM sessions will satisfy me!? I feel as though my submissive side has to be satisfied, and I will always have the need for this.

I'm a nurse. I take care of sick people for a living. I volunteer on an ambulance corps. I let people merge in front of me in traffic and would give a stranger a quarter for a phone call. I am not a BAD PERSON. Screwed up, needing counseling, lol probably.... but not a bad person.

I didn't mean this reply to be disrespectful to anyone who views this as unethical and morally wrong. I know it's morally wrong, and I respect everyone's opinion. I just wanted you all to see the other side of things, that these situations aren't always so black and white.

(in reply to skylark)

Post #: 32

RE: Has this happened to you? - 6/5/2006 12:22:52 PM

BrattyBottomRN

Posts: 73
Joined: 4/3/2006
Status: offline

God... way to make a girl feel like crap. Geeeeeeeez.........

(in reply to skylark)

Post #: 33

RE: Has this happened to you? - 6/5/2006 12:45:03 PM

RavenMuse

Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline

You are quite welcome dear!

On here it is simply opinion... my opinion is that no matter what excuse used, it is ultimatly damaging.

But so long as you are not trying to involve me... I'm not about to throw rocks!

_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to BrattyBottomRN)

Post #: 34

RE: Has this happened to you? - 6/5/2006 1:10:27 PM

eruditegirl1

Posts: 175
Joined: 5/9/2006
From: Nevada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CERCKL

Well, not seeking but I would not have. I am still legally married, though my wife and I are in the process of a legal seperation...she found what she needed outside and then told me after the kids had and she had left.
I sorta started to look after she left, but just half-heartedly and actually found her...she knew and was cautious, which I respected; if there had been any chance of my marriage working out at all...I would not look.
Another part of it is I am relationship based, good or bad, fail or not that is what I seek...and I couldn't have a relationship with one I couldn't trust. I realize all is situational and shit happens but I try not to make big messes.

C

I agree....you did the right thing....and one should never move into a relationship into another to quickly before knowing what their true feelings are....messes are hard to clean up...best to not make them in the first place...kind of know thyself...know where your head is at...so you are able to not involve others in the process of your selfishness....so if you had meet this woman...not only would you have put the two of you into a situation...but also have included her spouse as well....for every action...there is a reaction so to speak....

(in reply to CERCKL)

Post #: 35

RE: Has this happened to you? - 6/5/2006 1:15:26 PM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

given the state of my own affairs and the saying, those that live in glass houses........Without knowing the full story I would not pass judgement. If someone is lying and sneaking behind someone's back I don't have time for them. If someone is lying about their intentions I do not have time for them. I suppose all things considered I have a very different point of view of the legal marriage contract however I do not want any part of lies. There is just too much potential for icky drama. I like my drama free bubble.

(in reply to RavenMuse)

Post #: 36

RE: Has this happened to you? - 6/5/2006 1:24:17 PM

kittinSol

Posts: 16926
Status: offline

Smythe, I agree with you: I find most of the replies so far moralistic and over-simplistic. Who are we to judge? It's damned easy, isn't it, to throw stones at a woman because she is married. Were she not, and just 'sharing a dwelling' with a man, would it have made a difference?

If her 'pants were on fire', perhaps it means that her husband's water hose is broken. Or that the water supply's been cut off? Perhaps there's a problem up there, in the mains? So what is she supposed to do, lmao, burn down?

Stone me if you wish, but I consider marriage as an agreement between two parties, not as a sacrament. We all deal with our own morals: I would hate to go back to a society whereby people were endlessly judged, tortured and killed because they didn't obey the general rules.

_____________________________

(in reply to Smythe)

Post #: 37

RE: Has this happened to you? - 6/5/2006 1:54:45 PM

cruelwhisper

Posts: 8
Joined: 6/2/2006
Status: offline

Thank you for all the replies.
Very thought provoking, which was my intent....

I think we have all desired others at one time or another. I love my wife dearly, but have met several subs online that I had wanted to bed. I have never acted on my impulses and never will, and that's just me. I am NOT pointing my finger at this woman, or any of you. Sharing of your experiences and opinions here may help someone faced with this delimma, and I thank you all for that.
CW

(in reply to kittinSol)

Post #: 38

RE: Has this happened to you? - 6/5/2006 2:29:48 PM

Fawne

Posts: 462
Status: offline

Hi
I feel so mean speaking so strongly in my post above. I wish to apologize to all who face a choice between a secure marriage and fullfillment. May it all work out for you and yours.

quote:

ORIGINAL: BrattyBottomRN
I didn't mean this reply to be disrespectful to anyone who views this as unethical and morally wrong. I know it's morally wrong, and I respect everyone's opinion. I just wanted you all to see the other side of things, that these situations aren't always so black and white.

(in reply to BrattyBottomRN)

Post #: 39

RE: Has this happened to you? - 6/5/2006 2:57:10 PM

proudsub

Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline

quote:

a few years ago I came across a lovely but nieve submissive woman in an online chat room. She was a woman of more than a few years and was in a happy marriage of many years. As happy as she was in her marriage, there was this a part that was unfilling in her submissive personality as well as in her desire to explore her sexuality. Instead of approaching her husband, she looked out from the relationship to learn and explore

That could of been me several years ago.

quote:

The character of the women would not allowed her to cross that line. However, her desires and needs was pushing her in that direction if she continued to hide these from her husband

Except i did cross the line.

quote:

After she confided in her husband, she was rewarded with a man that choose to learn and walk with her in exploring her desires and needs.

That was the mistake i made, not talking to Him until after He found out. Hubby has been my Dom for about 3 yrs. now and we are about to celebrate out 38th anniversary.

I think the OP did the right thing but i can also empathize with those like BrattyBottom who feel trapped.

Here are two of the many earlier threads on this topic:

Collars when married to others

Married

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Post #: 40

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