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Dealing with issues, or just ignoring them? - 4/12/2012 2:08:07 PM   
ProlificNeeds


Posts: 1061
Joined: 5/19/2007
Status: offline 		How do you 'deal' with emotional issues? Do you ignore it until it stops mattering? Use a heavy blanket of forced normalacy to wash away the particularly upsetting or difficult situation? Or is there a way to really deal with emotional baggage, when the emotion seems to be a bit unrational?

I often wonder about 'normal' seeming people, are they just discreet with their dirty laundry, or do they infact just ignore it and pretend it doesn't exist?

How do you tend to deal with stressful or emotional situations or baggage you may be carrying? Confront them and get worked up, or just smoother them under daily routine until you forget about them?

--

I lost my father on easter weekend, I found out on monday, and I spent monday night crying, I had to call in absent for my work shift that day. But next day, and all week I've forced myself to go to work and just not 'think about it' so I can continue a routine of normalacy.

I know I have a lot of issues with his death, primarily because there's a lot of regret and guilt about my lack of relationship with him, but I'll work through those in time. My real question is though, how do you 'cope'? Is it unnatural to just box it up and put it away for an indeterminate amount of time? Or do you just wallow in it and face it up front?

Everyone has been very sympathetic towards my loss, but they seem to think I am a bit strange for simply compartmentalizing this event and going on with day to day routine.
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RE: Dealing with issues, or just ignoring them? - 4/12/2012 2:25:38 PM   
kitkat105


Posts: 1690
Joined: 11/29/2011
From: Eating dutch crunch in the Silicon Valley
Status: offline 		I'm so sorry for your loss. <hugs>

Grief is an extremely powerful emotion and unfortunately the only thing that heals (or makes it easier to cope with) it is time. Whether people accept it or not, most people usually cycle through stages of grief for some time. It's not linear, you will go back and forth, switch and swap. As far as some people being outwardly emotional and others hiding it well.. well they just might cope better in public but are a mess behind closed doors.

Everyone has different ways of coping with any emotional issues or grief. There is no right, wrong or easy way (although I wish there was). An example springs to mine is where my grandfather died I cried for days it seemed, including at the funeral. However not even 1 year later at my grandmother's, I felt I couldn't cry. It was like I was emotionally numbed by the whole experience, even though it broke my heart all over again.





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RE: Dealing with issues, or just ignoring them? - 4/12/2012 2:27:32 PM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		First, I am very sorry for your loss.

When it comes to emotional stuff, I tend to be able to compartmentalize most stuff and deal with it in private. I force myself to focus on the task at hand. If I need to cry, I cry......on my time and my terms.

Most stuff, I am very good at taking a step back and doing something I taught myself years ago. Not denying the validity of any emotion or experience, but instead of allowing it to overwhelm me, I watch. No judgement, just watching. I try to understand why I feel the way I do, what buttons are being pushed, what triggered whatever and why. Aside from the grief you are feeling, which is understandable and quite normal, I try to decide if the emotion is valid to the moment/trigger, or the result of some of my own baggage. Then try to examine it with that detached, watching. Rather than allowing it to take over and cause me to do or say something stupid.

I don't always succeed but I try.

One thing I have learned.....there is no forgetting or pretending shit doesn't exist. That just prolongs the problems and often creates more. I would rather deal and move forward with a clean slate.

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RE: Dealing with issues, or just ignoring them? - 4/12/2012 2:31:02 PM   
Iamsemisweet


Posts: 3651
Joined: 4/9/2011
From: The Great Northwest, USA
Status: offline 		I am sorry for your loss.  I lost my father and my brother within a couple of years of each other.  I coped pretty well with my dad, just because I believed he had a long and happy life.  My brother, who I was mostly estranged from, actually hit me harder.  He had a very difficult life, with little joy or satisfaction.  We had a reconciliation of sorts shortly before he died, but we certainly were not close.   It is very strange, but even almost three years after my dad's death and a year and a half after my brother's, I still start to cry sometimes, thinking about them.  Like right now.

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RE: Dealing with issues, or just ignoring them? - 4/12/2012 2:37:29 PM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		My condolences on the loss of your father. Losing a parent (like losing a child or a spouse) is a hugely significant loss in one's life, despite whatever relationship you had with them. So you need time to grieve.

I guess how you handle this depends on who you are and how you handle emotion. Me, I would take a few days off to wallow in my loss, then I would go about the business of "appearing" normal. I would not be, since I don't think you get over major loss in a couple days. Those close to me would be helping me day to day, acquaintances would have little idea something was wrong. (I just don't open myself up to those I don't know well.)

As far as the day to day grieving, I would not put a time limit on it, or allow others to. We do a shitty job of grieving and handling death in this culture. Some people seem to think once the funeral is over you dry your tears and "move on."

I don't agree. You do whatever you need to do to get through this awful first grieving stage, knowing that in your own time you will pass through the stages of grieving and make some piece with your loss.




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RE: Dealing with issues, or just ignoring them? - 4/12/2012 3:02:40 PM   
lilgirlatheart22


Posts: 7
Joined: 4/5/2012
Status: offline 		I am very sorry for your loss. It may not seem like it now but as time goes on it will get easier. Granted the pain never goes away but it get's easier.

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RE: Dealing with issues, or just ignoring them? - 4/12/2012 3:06:46 PM   
LunaM


Posts: 183
Joined: 3/3/2012
Status: offline 		My condolences on your loss.
Everyone grieves differently, and every death affects us differently.
You grieve how you wish to grieve, talk if you want to talk, cry if you want to cry, scream in anger if you want to scream in anger. I had a journal after I lost my most beloved dog of 11 years. It hit me harder than losing a boyfriend in high school and I found I couldn't talk to anyone. So I turned to a journal and began writing letters to my dog and it strangely helped me heal. I still have the letters. Writing may not be for you but even saying it in your head or working it out with someone else you trust can be theraputic too. There isn't a "right" way to grieve, in my opinion. You grieve how you want.


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RE: Dealing with issues, or just ignoring them? - 4/12/2012 3:23:21 PM   
tsatske


Posts: 2037
Joined: 3/9/2007
From: Louisville, KY
Status: offline 		I am sorry for your loss, and esp. that it was a difficult loss, in that you had not finished your buisness with him.

You know the answers to most of your questions, I suspect. The only way out of grief is through it. there is no way around. People who completely stuff issues end up having it bite them in the ass later. This does not mean that it is abnormal to find your normal routine comforting, or to not be demonstrative in public. You deal with grief in your manner. Some people seem really offended, ime, if you don't melt into a puddle at their comforting feet. Fuck 'em, I say.

I have not lost a parent and can not imagine your pain. i have lost a husband a newly adult daughter. My sister worked the day of my daughter's funeral. She was a mess but did not know how to go about getting out the words to ask for the time off, so she just worked. Another sister closed her self owned buisness, a daycare, for the week, unanounced (since the death was of course unannounced). She said, 'I love the kids I watch, but I don't love any of them enough to watch them this week.'

I wish I could remeber the name of the most recent book I read about grieving - it was a Christain book, but wonderful. He lost his wife and infant and older daughter, but not his sons, in a horrible drunk driver caussed accident. he talked about working normally, then sitting alone at night after his boys were asleep, putting on music, and just letting himself cry.

When my daughter cried, I don't believe I even cried at the funeral. I almost never cry in front of people. but for six months, I cried every time I was alone in the car. Sometimes with such wracking sobs that I had to pull over.

Allow yourself to deal with it your way. There is no right way. Just because you are destracting yourself for part of the day does not necessarrily mean you are stuffing it. No one can be in undistracted pain 24 hours a day without going mad. This is why people laugh in funeral homes.

Be gentle with yourself. It gets better. and call hospice. Even if your father was not a patient, you can use their after death services, they have wonderful grief groups and classes.

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RE: Dealing with issues, or just ignoring them? - 4/12/2012 5:10:53 PM   
ProlificNeeds


Posts: 1061
Joined: 5/19/2007
Status: offline 		Thank you everyone for sharing, and for your condolences.

I'm pretty sure the dynsfunctional association between my father and I makes it even harder to try and grieve. I don't know that I'm at the stage where I can actually talk to anyone face to face, but being able to post here certainly helps me look at the process a little more objectively.

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RE: Dealing with issues, or just ignoring them? - 4/12/2012 5:29:30 PM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ProlificNeeds

How do you 'deal' with emotional issues? Do you ignore it until it stops mattering? Use a heavy blanket of forced normalacy to wash away the particularly upsetting or difficult situation? Or is there a way to really deal with emotional baggage, when the emotion seems to be a bit unrational?

I often wonder about 'normal' seeming people, are they just discreet with their dirty laundry, or do they infact just ignore it and pretend it doesn't exist?

How do you tend to deal with stressful or emotional situations or baggage you may be carrying? Confront them and get worked up, or just smoother them under daily routine until you forget about them?

--

I lost my father on easter weekend, I found out on monday, and I spent monday night crying, I had to call in absent for my work shift that day. But next day, and all week I've forced myself to go to work and just not 'think about it' so I can continue a routine of normalacy.

I know I have a lot of issues with his death, primarily because there's a lot of regret and guilt about my lack of relationship with him, but I'll work through those in time. My real question is though, how do you 'cope'? Is it unnatural to just box it up and put it away for an indeterminate amount of time? Or do you just wallow in it and face it up front?

Everyone has been very sympathetic towards my loss, but they seem to think I am a bit strange for simply compartmentalizing this event and going on with day to day routine.


Some losses you just can't smooth under daily routine and hope they go away.
Sooner or later you do have to deal with them and in my own experience the longer you put it off the messier it gets.

I am not saying that putting it off is wrong as there is no right way to do the grieving process.
I am just letting you know that when you do deal with it it is still going to suck.

Given that you have unfinished business a therapist who specialises in loss and grief might be something you might want to consider.

(((hugs)))

I am sorry for the loss of your dad and the loss of the opportunity to heal the relationship... things left unsaid; things left undone feels like an unmade bed in the otherwise tidy room of one's life.
Both losses are valid.


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RE: Dealing with issues, or just ignoring them? - 4/12/2012 7:08:04 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		Every time that I've had to grieve over a deep relationship it was difficult. When my husband died it took me over 10 years to actually get my life back in order and deal with my emotions from the fallout. I kept my emotions pent up, fucked up my life by doing stupid stuff just to forget my emotions and bottle them away until it got so bad it I realized I was killing myself and my daughter. I had to take control of it and hit it head on. I cried and cried and cried and continued to cry and sought out help between praying, therapy and church.

When my dad died I had learned at that point how to deal with death of someone so close to me. It was a difficult death because we saw him dying at the hospital day by day until we had to make a decision. We all cried around his bed for what seemed like days instead of hours. For me I grieved openly, I talked to people about my feelings, I went to church and prayed, I got involved in my dad's after death dealings so that I could help myself bring closure.

To this day I still love my dad and miss him a whole lot. I'm open about that and don't hold back. When I need to cry I let it out.

There are however steps to grieving that most people go through. Maybe it can help you to deal with it and don't forget...talk to someone...a brother, sister, friend, counselor, therapist, spiritual guide, mentor, etc... I wish you the best of luck and I'm sorry about your father.

http://www.recover-from-grief.com/7-stages-of-grief.html

ETA: I know you said you and your father were not on the best of terms and thought I'd just add this little bit. My mother is up there in age and I've been wondering actually lately how I will deal with her death. We are not on the best of terms these days either. I still love her but not in the way other people love their parents. So I keep wondering, will I cry at her funeral? I don't know. I have no idea how I'll react.

Take it one day at a time. Don't worry about what others say. But like I said, I think you should talk to someone at least just because you both were not on the best of terms and this will help you to sort through your emotions.



< Message edited by littlewonder -- 4/12/2012 7:12:39 PM >

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RE: Dealing with issues, or just ignoring them? - 4/12/2012 7:32:22 PM   
fucktoyprincess


Posts: 2337
Status: offline 		I'm so very sorry to hear of your loss.

I think the grieving process differs for people depending on who they are, and the specific situation at hand. I think the death of loved one is something that will necessarily take a long grieving process. It will probably be a while before true normalcy resumes. And given that there are unresolved issues for you regarding the relationship, then it will likely take even longer.

My only advice to you is to be patient with yourself. I would acquaint myself with the various stages of grief, and then settle in for the ride. There is no set timeline for this stuff. And there will be a lot of ups and downs as your psyche processes everything. But one day in the future you will wake up feeling lighter. It just may not be anytime soon.

As for specific things that you can do for each stage, I think this has to come from your own understanding of yourself and how you best deal with the various stages of grief (i.e., what are your best coping strategies for things like shock, anger, or feelings of depression?).

Regardless, I think no strategy is better or worse. Do what works for you, and don't worry if it's not the "recommended" strategy. And again, just be patient with yourself. Give yourself permission, as it were, to go through the ups and downs. I sometimes feel we are too hard on ourselves when trying to process things like this.



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RE: Dealing with issues, or just ignoring them? - 4/13/2012 1:47:16 AM   
DonGiovani


Posts: 129
Joined: 8/28/2011
Status: offline 		First, my condolences. A loss like is never easy, nor is the coping mechanism / grieving process for it the same for everyone.

It seems like your method is as valid as any other, if it helps you deal with the immediate loss and allow it to pass through your life. As for the longer term issues that seem to be involved, there may come a time where those issues start to interfere with your day to day, and counseling is certainly an option for that.

But for the moment, give yourself permission to grieve however you feel is appropriate.


Namaste'.

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RE: Dealing with issues, or just ignoring them? - 4/13/2012 4:02:16 AM   
ProlificNeeds


Posts: 1061
Joined: 5/19/2007
Status: offline 		I'm sure I must be somewhere around 'guilt' by now, but I seem to just revert back to the shock and denial stge of the process. I allow myself to cry awhile and there's no... feeling better, so I just stop crying and go do something else.

As a bit of insight, my father was never part of my life. he was never in it, and for many years he didn't want to be. That presented me with plenty of issues growing up as I knew who he was, and his side of the family DID want to know me and welcomed me into their lives. So there was always the reminder of him being absent by choice not by circumstance.

I came to terms with that eventually, and was pretty sure I was okay with it. When he died I had that little "I wish we had connected". I'd always thought maybe when he got older he'd want to connect with me as an adult, when I was more prone to want a friend not a father. That opportunity is gone now.

Worse still is when I confessed that small hope, my mother told me, she thought he did want to connect with me again in more recent years, but had probably been too self conscious or just plain afraid to approach me, not knowing how it would be received.

I feel great guilt for not making the effort to talk to him or see him again. It's been 16 years since we last talked and he made it clear he did not want to be around in any capacity. I dread to meet his friends and family at the funeral on sunday, if they try to tell he had changed his mind in recent years, I really don't know how to deal with that. It's almost better believing he didn't want to know me.

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RE: Dealing with issues, or just ignoring them? - 4/13/2012 6:19:12 AM   
littlecherie


Posts: 137
Joined: 3/29/2012
Status: offline 		Ignoring for too long always does bad things for me.
I am THIS close to having to quit my job because I've been ignoring my mental issues.

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RE: Dealing with issues, or just ignoring them? - 4/13/2012 8:50:42 AM   
Musicmystery


Posts: 30259
Joined: 3/14/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ProlificNeeds

How do you 'deal' with emotional issues? Do you ignore it until it stops mattering? Use a heavy blanket of forced normalacy to wash away the particularly upsetting or difficult situation? Or is there a way to really deal with emotional baggage, when the emotion seems to be a bit unrational?

I often wonder about 'normal' seeming people, are they just discreet with their dirty laundry, or do they infact just ignore it and pretend it doesn't exist?

How do you tend to deal with stressful or emotional situations or baggage you may be carrying? Confront them and get worked up, or just smoother them under daily routine until you forget about them?

--

I lost my father on easter weekend, I found out on monday, and I spent monday night crying, I had to call in absent for my work shift that day. But next day, and all week I've forced myself to go to work and just not 'think about it' so I can continue a routine of normalacy.

I know I have a lot of issues with his death, primarily because there's a lot of regret and guilt about my lack of relationship with him, but I'll work through those in time. My real question is though, how do you 'cope'? Is it unnatural to just box it up and put it away for an indeterminate amount of time? Or do you just wallow in it and face it up front?

Everyone has been very sympathetic towards my loss, but they seem to think I am a bit strange for simply compartmentalizing this event and going on with day to day routine.

This happened not even a week ago. There are no rules about short term handling of an emotional blow like this.

Be you. Do what you need to do. Think what you need to think. Don't do or think if you don't want to. Just be.

Things will clear, time will pass, and you will heal. Just not shortly. Be with friends. Take care of you.

And in the meantime--celebrate your father's example of a beautiful life well-lived.

Peace. All will be well. All is well.

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RE: Dealing with issues, or just ignoring them? - 4/13/2012 9:01:49 AM   
JstAnotherSub


Posts: 6174
Status: offline 		I have faced things in life that I thought "WTF am I so batshit crazy, when others never act this way?".

As I have gotten older, and not worried so much about talking about stuff, I have come to realize that many go through things the same way I do.

One friend cried every day for months, as soon as she left work. i think we all put on a good face, when we have to, and, to me, that is normal. It is just as normal to fall apart as often as you need to.

Believe me, you are not alone.

eta

quote:

As a bit of insight, my father was never part of my life. he was never in it, and for many years he didn't want to be.

I think you may be mourning the loss of what could have been too. I had regrets when my dad died, I was only 23 then, and things were left unsaid.

The "best" part of losing mom was having her in home hospice at the end, and nothing went unsaid. I was holding her hand when she took her last breath, and I wouldn't take a million dollars for that.

Good luck.

< Message edited by JstAnotherSub -- 4/13/2012 9:05:07 AM >

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RE: Dealing with issues, or just ignoring them? - 4/13/2012 9:12:27 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		My condolences.

And yes, you've got a lot of issues to sort through. Grief at his loss, anger that he wasn't the father you needed, that he didn't want to be part of your life.

Nobody else gets to tell you when and how to grieve. If you want to live normally for weeks and then spend an entire weekend raging at him, that's your right.

What I will say is that if in a couple of years you notice you're still not progressing in the grief cycle, then I would get some help. And to help with all those complicated issues, I recommend going to ACOA meetings and just listening to other people talk. Then go out to your car, turn on the radio loud and cry. Keep tissues in the car, you'll need them.


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RE: Dealing with issues, or just ignoring them? - 4/14/2012 1:03:13 PM   
fucktoyprincess


Posts: 2337
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ProlificNeeds

I'm sure I must be somewhere around 'guilt' by now, but I seem to just revert back to the shock and denial stge of the process. I allow myself to cry awhile and there's no... feeling better, so I just stop crying and go do something else.

As a bit of insight, my father was never part of my life. he was never in it, and for many years he didn't want to be. That presented me with plenty of issues growing up as I knew who he was, and his side of the family DID want to know me and welcomed me into their lives. So there was always the reminder of him being absent by choice not by circumstance.

I came to terms with that eventually, and was pretty sure I was okay with it. When he died I had that little "I wish we had connected". I'd always thought maybe when he got older he'd want to connect with me as an adult, when I was more prone to want a friend not a father. That opportunity is gone now.

Worse still is when I confessed that small hope, my mother told me, she thought he did want to connect with me again in more recent years, but had probably been too self conscious or just plain afraid to approach me, not knowing how it would be received.

I feel great guilt for not making the effort to talk to him or see him again. It's been 16 years since we last talked and he made it clear he did not want to be around in any capacity. I dread to meet his friends and family at the funeral on sunday, if they try to tell he had changed his mind in recent years, I really don't know how to deal with that. It's almost better believing he didn't want to know me.


Please realize the stages of grief are quite long stages. Sometimes we cycle through all of them quickly, and then return to some of them for a while as we process things. So realize you might be in a certain stage now, but can return to prior stages, and that the overall process can take years, even, as you cycle back and forth between different stages. The process is neither quick, nor necessarily sequential.

I think your personal story is one that is difficult, because you feel there are loose ends. But remember, in any life, it is not always possible, feasible, necessary, or right, to tie up all the loose ends. The messiness of life entails a certain amount of loose ends. I realize that what you desperately want right now is a definable closure with your relationship with him, but now that he has passed away, that simply is not going to be possible. My Hindu background tells me that there are reasons in life (and in death) for everything that happens. Please trust that this is the way that things are meant to be (regardless of what you hear at the funeral). Please start on the path of accepting what has happened, and finding peace for yourself as you go forward. There is no good, either for you and your soul, or his, that can come from tormenting yourself with guilt for any extended period of your life over the way things have happened. So please take the time to grieve, and be patient with your feelings. But also understand that ultimately, over time, you will slowly need to accept what has happened and find your inner peace.


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RE: Dealing with issues, or just ignoring them? - 4/14/2012 4:53:39 PM   
needlesandpins


Posts: 3901
Status: offline 		you have my sympathies for your loss.

it always depends on the problem for me as to whether i deal with it straight away or bury it. however, due to my nature i will over time break it all down, study the life out of it and try to sort it all out. if it involves anyone else then i want to talk it through, get it sorted and move on. it doesn't always work out that way though.

i am well aware of my problem of bottling things up though which just makes things worse.

at the moment i am keeping myself to myself as i'm just too exhausted to force myself to be 'happy' around everyone else. people will either leave me alone or care enough to come and ask me what is wrong. those who really matter know anyway.

i'm sorry, i've waffled and probably said nothing of any consequence. as others have said, you have alot to work through and it will involve anger, sadness, loss, probably more anger and tears and so on. take the time you need and if needs be ask someone if you can just vent without them judging anything you say. writing it all down in a diary may help too.

needles

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