My ex is getting married today

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Iamsemisweet -> My ex is getting married today (3/26/2012 6:25:00 AM)
25 years ago today, my ex asked me to marry him. Today he is remarrying. Interesting that he chose my birthday as his new anniversary, but that is just him. I am remarkably emotional about the whole thing. I am the one who wanted the divorce, I remember being miserable being married to him, but now I am second guessing the decision. For one thing, I know I would be much, much better off financially had I stayed married, and, for another, I know he is not really a bad guy. I am very happy in my new relationship, and yet, I am still filled with regret. I am a little surprise at my feelings. Anyone else go through this?

LadyHibiscus -> RE: My ex is getting married today (3/26/2012 6:26:26 AM)
I think what you're feeling is normal. That whole might-have-been tristesse is part of knowing what's going on. Getting married on a Monday?

Iamsemisweet -> RE: My ex is getting married today (3/26/2012 6:37:43 AM)
Yes, they are getting married on Maui and that is when they scheduled it. Then they will honeymoon for the rest of the week. Why do I even know this? We had a very amicable divorce. Maybe that is part of the problem, a little hostility would have been a good thing

GreedyTop -> RE: My ex is getting married today (3/26/2012 6:41:55 AM)
Understandable feelings, hon.

Iamsemisweet -> RE: My ex is getting married today (3/26/2012 6:46:54 AM)
Really? The truth is, I am sad and kind of jealous. He and I had a nice interaction on Saturday, and it reminded me of some of his good qualities.

slvemike4u -> RE: My ex is getting married today (3/26/2012 6:53:36 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Iamsemisweet 25 years ago today, my ex asked me to marry him. Today he is remarrying. Interesting that he chose my birthday as his new anniversary, but that is just him. I am remarkably emotional about the whole thing. I am the one who wanted the divorce, I remember being miserable being married to him, but now I am second guessing the decision. For one thing, I know I would be much, much better off financially had I stayed married, and, for another, I know he is not really a bad guy. I am very happy in my new relationship, and yet, I am still filled with regret. I am a little surprise at my feelings. Anyone else go through this? Yeah Semi,I did When my ex was marrying the guy she was cheating on me with, I even took the high road and got my son fitted for a tux(I raised him,so it was easier for me to do it during the week)though she paid for the rental,I wasn't being that nice. Went thru a lot of painful feelings....but it gets better,believe me it does. Recently my son let me know that his mother and the putz were splitting up,she was getting divorced again...well old feelings die hard,my heart immediately jumped to silly notions. Thank god I actually had occasion to talk to her one day in person.I was moving my son in to his new apartment and he needed to pick up some stuff from his mothers,so we went over there .The ex and I talked for a good ten minutes or so....later while grabbing a bite to eat with my son I started to talk to him,I said"Mike,your mother....." my voice trailed off looking for the right words.My son decided to finish my thought for me...."yeah Dad,she's still a miserable person" Wow,I didn't know what to say to my son.....but he was right,my ex walks thru life miserable,she just isn't happy...and she makes anyone around her a victim of that unhappiness. Not a bad person,just a miserable person....that was the end of any silly notions I had

GreedyTop -> RE: My ex is getting married today (3/26/2012 7:01:08 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Iamsemisweet Really? The truth is, I am sad and kind of jealous. He and I had a nice interaction on Saturday, and it reminded me of some of his good qualities. yeah. You spent how many years with him? You had an amicable divorce, and you say he's not a bad person. Without knowing him at all, and only knowing you from here, I can only offer this opinion: You divorced him for a reason. SOmetimes that good person (even if you love them dearly) just isn't the good person FOR YOU. Divorce doesn't mean you can't mourn, and knowing he's getting married again, understandably IMO, can make you mourn again. You'll get through this, hon. Celebrate your Bday with your Love, and remember that you DID divorce the ex for reasons of your own. Like I said to Lithi in another thread: "they're called exes for a reason". (gawd I hope that made sense, I'm in the after-work wind down, and getting sleepy...)

Iamsemisweet -> RE: My ex is getting married today (3/26/2012 8:45:32 AM)
We were married 20 years. Strange how I only remember the good stuff now. I am really happy in my new relationship, and I am glad my ex is happy, but still. What might have been?

Kaliko -> RE: My ex is getting married today (3/26/2012 12:06:14 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Iamsemisweet I am a little surprise at my feelings. Anyone else go through this? Sort of, yes. I had seen a therapist for almost a year before my divorce, and almost a year afterwards. She had warned me that at some point, I would feel something similar to what you have felt. She said that happens because once we've removed ourselves from the situation, it was easier to remember and feel the good times and not remember and feel what was making us so sad in the first place. Normal. Expected. A little late in the game, maybe. (She had said it would happen a year or so after and, for me, she was spot on.) My own regret is not for him, but for the life I no longer have - that I never really had. Check yourself and consider...is it maybe more the regret for what you wanted and thought you had? I'm sorry, though...it's a tough time and it is hard on many levels.

LafayetteLady -> RE: My ex is getting married today (3/26/2012 1:48:06 PM)
You work a semi significant amount in family law don't you? This should come as no surprise then. I don't mean that in an insulting way, since it always hits as a surprise, especially for those who are the ones seeking divorce. Even in the most miserable of marriages, divorce brings on form of grief. So it is completely natural when the marriage wasn't so miserable to feel grief. Add to that the fact that no matter how much we wanted the divorce, or how bad the marriage was, there is a part of us that wants to believe our former spouse isn't going to be nearly as happy with anyone else. Yep, a total pride issue. You and your ex have an amicable relationship. Try to remember that you are happy you both have a second chance at being happy. Accept your feelings, allow yourself to feel them. Don't wallow in them, but let yourself feel what you are going to feel. By doing that, you will move on to being happy for him, and for you without any feelings of regret much quicker.

GrandPoobah -> RE: My ex is getting married today (3/26/2012 4:18:01 PM)
Despite all that happens, we all have "good memories" of our relationships. Even discovering "*I married an axe murderer*" doesn't change those memories, although it might make them seem less important. When a relationship fails, we all (well, virtually all of us) tend to look back, wondering how much of it might have been "our fault" even if, intellectually, we know that's not the case. Abused women often talk about how "I must have done something wrong that upset him" instead of recognizing that quite possibly they did nothing wrong. I've personally lost two relationships. The first, my marriage, had a bunch of good times, and two pretty good kids. We just grew apart and ultimate lacked any common interests. We had the usual disagreements, but such is life. The second, which was only a couple of years ago, still baffles me to this day. It was not an intimate relationship, although we shared details of each other's lives pretty openly. At some point, something happened...I honestly have no idea what...and she just disappeared. I know she's still alive, and without much effort I can come across her tracks on the internet. I asked...politely, but never got so much as a response. I still wonder what I did, or what changed, and I'm guessing I'll never know. Again...such is life. As for your feelings? Yeah, they're completely normal. After all, it isn't like you can (or necessarily want to) reformat your brain and completely erase that part of your life. Memories are meant to be kept, and hopefully the good ones outnumber the bad ones.

KMsAngel -> RE: My ex is getting married today (3/26/2012 4:43:25 PM)
my ex's new anniversary date is 2 days after our old anniversary date. i'm not such a nice person that i can't hope at some point he remembers the wrong anniversary for the wrong person. he cheated on me with her, so i reckon it would just be karma coming back to bite him. i've heard through my kids that he's making the same mistakes that were made in our marriage. guess that's what happens when you don't figure out what went wrong with the first go-round, and don't take the time to make yourself right again...

LizDeluxe -> RE: My ex is getting married today (3/26/2012 5:30:33 PM)
I can't say I have ever felt that way. I have nothing but total apathy toward my ex. No love. No hate. No anger. No remorse. No regret. I simply do not care. They could win the lottery tomorrow and I wouldn't be envious or snarky. They could get run over by a truck and I would shrug and get on with my day. I simply do not care anymore. The first ten years were fairly happy. No fireworks but I enjoyed it and was content. The last year I saw a completely different side. I guess the two parts balanced out. Yes, there were good times and there were really bad times. I walked out the door and put it behind me. I never think about them unless someone brings the subject up.

soul2share -> RE: My ex is getting married today (3/26/2012 7:42:18 PM)
I remained friendly after I got divorced, we had a son, and I didn't want to put him thru the angst that kids have to deal with when their parents hate each other. And our divorce was very amicable......he filed after he met his current wife, I signed a waiver of appearance, and it was a done deal. No screaming, no ugly custody issues, just two people who fell out of love and knew that our son wasn't the reason we wanted to use to be together and miserable the rest of our lives. Upon hearing that he was getting married, I wished him well, and he's been happier with his second wife than I would have ever made him. They are still married, and have two more boys in addition to our son. This last June, our son got married, it was the first time each set of parents (ours, that is) actually met each other. It was a great time, no one had any bad feelings, and it was great reconnecting with my exes family too. (Even though I didn't recognize half of them!) I never felt any negative feelings towards his second wife, in fact, we are friendly, never had any problems getting along. Their friends thought it was rather strange to see me and them at my son's functions getting along.....I think they expected us to start screaming at each other or something. I am actually grateful in that my son ended up living with them for the better part of each year, and that she never once treated him any different than her own boys. She's a wonderful woman with a huge heart. I did feel a twinge in my heart the first time he called her "mom", but she is also his mom, and earned/deserves the title also.

KMsAngel -> RE: My ex is getting married today (3/26/2012 9:10:14 PM)
yeah, soul, but i think that when there are issues of infidelity, quite apart from all the other issues going on, and when he then goes on to marry that person, it's a LOT harder - at least for me - to have any friendly feelings. i did think it was funny when the new wife suggested my girls call her 'mom'. she was a 'third daughter' to my ex and i for a year or two before we split, and they remembered that. and she's only 10 yrs older than my oldest. my kids weren't having it [8D]

LookieNoNookie -> RE: My ex is getting married today (3/26/2012 10:13:35 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Iamsemisweet 25 years ago today, my ex asked me to marry him. Today he is remarrying. Interesting that he chose my birthday as his new anniversary, but that is just him. I am remarkably emotional about the whole thing. I am the one who wanted the divorce, I remember being miserable being married to him, but now I am second guessing the decision. For one thing, I know I would be much, much better off financially had I stayed married, and, for another, I know he is not really a bad guy. I am very happy in my new relationship, and yet, I am still filled with regret. I am a little surprise at my feelings. Anyone else go through this? Mine chose a date 2 days after ours, and yeah....it stung a bit but let me just say this about that: Your ex's eyes are far too close together....and EVERYONE with half a brain knows....that's a sure sign of criminal intent so..... FUCK HIM....(and let go).

Iamsemisweet -> RE: My ex is getting married today (3/27/2012 6:06:06 AM)
And today I feel better. I really do wish him well, he is a great father to my kids, and god knows we both deserve to be happier than we were. I think we have both found the people we were meant to be with

GreedyTop -> RE: My ex is getting married today (3/27/2012 6:19:56 AM)
quote: I can't say I have ever felt that way. I have nothing but total apathy toward my ex. No love. No hate. No anger. No remorse. No regret. I simply do not care. They could win the lottery tomorrow and I wouldn't be envious or snarky. They could get run over by a truck and I would shrug and get on with my day. I simply do not care anymore. I spent maybe a week after my two divorces feeling bad. I felt worse after the 5 yrs live-in guy (he married a mutual friend, but she's a good lady, and they've just passed their 10 yr mark.. she and I are actually friended on FB now)(there's a HUGE backstory there, but that's not for this thread). Especially with my second divorce, the quoted but applies. Every now and then I wonder whatever happened to my first husband. ETA, because apparently I accidentally deleted it: I'm happy you're feeling better, semi!!

kalikshama -> RE: My ex is getting married today (3/27/2012 6:38:02 AM)
Glad you're feeling better! I was married 18 years but we didn't have any children, so there was no reason to stay connected. People in my family stay friends after divorce, but not in his, so we didn't. Plus he was resentful that I had moved to Florida, which is something he had always wanted to do. I was surprised when he got remarried a mere 6 months after our divorce was final, but didn't care, until I realized this meant I lost my health insurance, the only thing I'd negotiated in the divorce settlement. I couldn't find a lawyer willing to open this back up for me, but didn't aggressively pursue it, as being a veteran, I was able to get health insurance through the VA.

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