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stellauk -> RE: Orchid Girls. (1/8/2012 10:40:38 AM)
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Okay.. I'll post..
I am on the journey, one which used to dominate my entire life and everything in it, but now not so much.
There are things I wanted. I wanted my own child, simply to satiate this maternal instinct inside me, I wanted to carry a developing embryo inside my body, and to give birth to a complete human being who I would love unconditionally and care for and protect to the end of my days.
But I cannot have this. I cannot even menstruate, let alone get pregnant.
I am doing this journey for one reason - to be me, the happy, complete, whole me.
Not to be concealed inside another person who everybody thought was me which is how it once was. How can you be happy in such a situation? How can you appreciate that someone loves you when all they perceive is the other person?
There came a time when I didn't want to continue living if all it meant as if I was going to be perceived as someone I'm not. I mean, what is the point of living if you cannot be yourself and other people just can't see it?
I contemplated suicide a few times, then I realized that suicide would be defeat, I would be proved wrong, and besides, I would only be remembered as someone else, not as who I am in reality.
But that maternal instinct within me still runs strong, and so there came acceptance and the realization that as long as I keep on trying and working, then I will be me.
Then.. I am me. This is the whole point. I am me, I always have been me, I have no desire to become anyone else because I like the me that I am..
It's not me that has to change. All that changes is the parts of me which suggest I am that other person, and how I am perceived by others.
Yes there are things I still want. I want some of the things that other people take for granted. What is it like to be so close to someone, to love them, and for them to love you, and to express that love together in a bed physically?
What does it feel like to be loved psychologically, emotionally, physically, and for all the sensations and emotions and feeling to be in harmony? What does it feel like to have an orgasm, to be held, kissed, caressed, to enjoy making love with that other person?
Can you imagine the fear of becoming close to someone as you yourself for them only to reject you for the parts of that other person or because they see you as that other person?
How would you feel if someone became attracted to you for the part of your body that you feel doesn't belong to you and the part you would like to lose? Do you know how it feels when someone is attracted to just a part of your body and disregards the rest of you? How would that make you feel?
But you know, you have to keep your perspective. Yes it is uncomfortable to have to tuck it away, and there's stuff that you cannot wear.
Welcome to womanhood. This to me is no different from the pantyhose you buy in your size and then when you put it on you have to keep pulling them up when no one's looking and the whole time they threaten to drag your underwear down to your knees. This is no different to learning or understanding that just because you're female and the item of clothing is also female you can't wear it because you don't look right in it.
But then again there's women out there who also cannot conceive, there's women with boobs much bigger than they would like, there's women who have real problems with facial hair and body hair, women with big feet, and I'm quite sure there's a few women reading this who know what it's like when someone is attracted to just one part of your body.
There's women who cannot have sex, who cannot easily orgasm, women for whom sex is painful, women who have been raped and abused that they will probably never have sexual intercourse again for the rest of their lives.
I am as female as I'm ever going to be, no amount of hormones or surgery is going to change this. Even if I haven't completed my whole transition I can still function as a woman, relate to others as a woman, submit as a woman, and love someone else pretty much as anyone else.
I compensate all that waiting and not knowing by the fact that it only needs one person - the right person - to bring something special into my life. Am I really losing out that much? I don't think so.
Thankfully there are other people who realize this. It's important not to get sidetracked by the details or let what you don't have ruin your life.
You only have one life, a life which is probably shorter than you think. I personally feel that we should make the best of it, because some opportunities don't happen a second time around.
ETA: But then again I'm of the opinion that people make being transgendered a much bigger issue than it is in reality. Try not to be one of those people.
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