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Breaking up is hard to do - 12/15/2011 11:24:56 PM

Iamsemisweet

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Joined: 4/9/2011
From: The Great Northwest, USA
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I thunk it is about time to call it quits with my business partners. We have been together for about five years, and it is getting to the point where I can barely drag myself into the office every morning. I am ready to practice on my own.
I have gone through a couple of firm breakups before, and they are always gut wrenching, full of hostility and anger. I used to have a romantic relationship with one of my partners at my current firm, so I am afraid this time is going to be especially bad. Actually, it was more sexual than romantic, but he is a very emotional person, and will no doubt see my leaving as a betrayal.
As anyone ever been in a similar situation? How do you keep things from escalating into an emotional disaster?

_____________________________

Alice: But I don't want to go among mad people.
The Cat: Oh, you can't help that. We're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad.
Alice: How do you know I'm mad?
The Cat: You must be. Or you wouldn't have come here.

Post #: 1

RE: Breaking up is hard to do - 12/15/2011 11:52:05 PM

Clickofheels

Posts: 603
Joined: 10/23/2011
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Hello Iamsemisweet <smiles>

Are you asking how to keep the dissolving of your partnership from becoming an emotional disaster?

Or are you asking how to keep leaving your once romantic partner from becoming an emotional disaster?

(in reply to Iamsemisweet)

Post #: 2

RE: Breaking up is hard to do - 12/16/2011 12:27:59 AM

DaddySatyr

Posts: 9381
Joined: 8/29/2011
From: Pittston, Pennsyltucky
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Iamsemisweet

As anyone ever been in a similar situation? How do you keep things from escalating into an emotional disaster?

Ahhhhhh the old conundrum of dealing with the aftermath of "dipping one's quill in the company ink"! That almost always tends to make every situation worse.

The only thing close that I can offer is the having to fire a high school friend (we were still fairly young). The very afternoon that I had spent 90 minutes defending his job, that morning.

There comes a time when you just can't be happy, making others happy if your sacrifice isn't appreciated.

Rip off the band-aid (and good luck)!

Peace and comfort,

Michael

< Message edited by DaddySatyr -- 12/16/2011 12:32:33 AM >

_____________________________

A Stone in My Shoe

Screen captures (and pissing on shadows) still RULE! Ya feel me?

"For that which I love, I will do horrible things"

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Post #: 3

RE: Breaking up is hard to do - 12/16/2011 2:37:40 AM

LizDeluxe

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Joined: 10/2/2011
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Thankfully, I am smart enough not to fuck where I work.

(in reply to Iamsemisweet)

Post #: 4

RE: Breaking up is hard to do - 12/16/2011 2:45:11 AM

SorceressJ

Posts: 2968
Joined: 7/24/2010
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Thankfully, I am happily married to my manager at work, and this is not an issue. We come as a set and our higher-ups know this without question. If either one of us leaves, the other is sure to be right behind them. It's not a very high-paying situation and is definitely not rocket science or a career either one of us planned for in our youth, but it pays the bills and we're good with that.

That being said, I agree with Satyr. Do what you have to do, cover your own ass yourself as best you can, allow the other party to own their part, and the very best of luck with that Band-aid.

_____________________________

‎Sic gorgiamus allos subjectatos nunc. <93>)O(

(in reply to LizDeluxe)

Post #: 5

RE: Breaking up is hard to do - 12/16/2011 4:17:29 AM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
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quote:

How do you keep things from escalating into an emotional disaster?

I leave very, very, very slowly. For example, I gave notice a year ago next month and am still working for them. (I wonder if for unemployment benefits I can consider them to have not accepted my notice?)

My ex husband and I were separated for four years before he finally initiated divorce proceedings.

I lived with my ex D for 4 years after we stopped the D/s portion of our relationship.

I'm not saying the triple slow motion separation is healthy, just that slowly tip-toeing out is the way I tend to cope.

(in reply to Iamsemisweet)

Post #: 6

RE: Breaking up is hard to do - 12/16/2011 6:24:12 AM

kdsub

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Joined: 8/16/2007
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I would set down... take a few minutes...organize my thoughts...be truthful with myself...then literally write down all my reasons for wanting to leave. If they are valid and truthful then I would present these to my partners asking for change. If they are incapable or unwilling then I would give them my notice with plenty of time for an orderly transition. If the separation or change is done in this way then bad feelings can be minimized.

If however there is no good reason except you no longer like the job this is a valid reason as well... I would just give them more time if they needed it or I would be prepared to walk out the door if they demanded it.

Just be prepared for both contingencies. Finally...attitude and tolerance will make all the difference in this or any separation. Good luck

Butch

_____________________________

Mark Twain:

I don't see any use in having a uniform and arbitrary way of spelling words. We might as well make all clothes alike and cook all dishes alike. Sameness is tiresome; variety is pleasing

(in reply to Iamsemisweet)

Post #: 7

RE: Breaking up is hard to do - 12/16/2011 6:52:10 AM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

I can't give you advice on the whole romantic partner thing since I've never done that but when I left my last job I gave a two week notice which completely shocked them. It came to a point where I could not function another day of going to the job and decided I had to leave so as soon as my house sold, the next day I went in a few minutes early, handed my boss my resignation and watched her eyes glaze over in shock. Can't say it wasn't fun to watch since I hated her lol.

And then I went to my co-worker who wasn't all that bad and gently asked her if we could talk and I explained to her that it was time for me to move on to bigger pastures and spread my wings. She didn't take it as shock at all. She said she realized I would do it soon and felt it was for the best and wished me the best of luck.

I went in to the job for two weeks, avoided my boss as much as possible, tied up all the loose ends and walked away. No big goodbyes, no worrying about if they found a replacement <not my job to find someone literally>. I did what I was supposed to do legally and as ethically as I could and just walked away.

I would say cut it short and sweet and walk away with your head held high, no excuses, no apologies, no worries.

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to kdsub)

Post #: 8

RE: Breaking up is hard to do - 12/16/2011 6:56:13 AM

Kana

Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Iamsemisweet

I thunk it is about time to call it quits with my business partners. We have been together for about five years, and it is getting to the point where I can barely drag myself into the office every morning. I am ready to practice on my own.
I have gone through a couple of firm breakups before, and they are always gut wrenching, full of hostility and anger. I used to have a romantic relationship with one of my partners at my current firm, so I am afraid this time is going to be especially bad. Actually, it was more sexual than romantic, but he is a very emotional person, and will no doubt see my leaving as a betrayal.
As anyone ever been in a similar situation? How do you keep things from escalating into an emotional disaster?

Frankly, if you can afford it, this is the exact time and place to lawyer up. Getting a rep who doesn't have the emotional ties to represent your interest might be the best thing for all parties, not just you.

_____________________________

"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
HST

(in reply to Iamsemisweet)

Post #: 9

RE: Breaking up is hard to do - 12/16/2011 7:13:38 AM

Iamsemisweet

Posts: 3651
Joined: 4/9/2011
From: The Great Northwest, USA
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Our relationship ended about 5 years ago, before i started working with him here. We were able to transition to a pretty close friendship. Friends or not, though, my practice is profitable, my other partners' practices are not. I am tired of working hard to support dead beats. The one I used to sleep with wants to call all the shots, and he has made some remarkably bonehead, unilateral decisions that have created big financial issues. I have a great practice, and I am not following some idiot off a cliff. For me, it all comes down to where I can make the most money, and I have decided I can make the most working on my own. But yes, I wish I had never banged that idiot. Oh well, too late now.
My sense is, that the less said about my reasons for leaving, the better. I have expressed my displeasure many times before, to no avail. Unfortunately, because of the nature of the business, I will be taking my clients with me, and it takes a while to disentangle all this.
I am more interested in hearing about how others have kept volatile situations like this from turning into all out wars. When a former, larger partnership broke up, we were stuck together for months trying to get disentangles, and it was awful. I really don't want that to happen again, there has to be a gracious, calm way to exit. I have never understood why some people get so emotional about what is, after all, just a business.

< Message edited by Iamsemisweet -- 12/16/2011 7:18:30 AM >

_____________________________

Alice: But I don't want to go among mad people.
The Cat: Oh, you can't help that. We're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad.
Alice: How do you know I'm mad?
The Cat: You must be. Or you wouldn't have come here.

(in reply to Kana)

Post #: 10

RE: Breaking up is hard to do - 12/16/2011 7:35:56 PM

LafayetteLady

Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
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Honestly, Iass, as you said the nature of your business is different than most here who posted realized. You can't give two weeks notice, leave quietly, etc. The partnership needs to be legally dissolved (as you know) and as happened before, appears from what you are saying about this partnership, destined to happen again.

You indicate you are the partner really bringing in the new business. Those clients are there because of you, expect you to represent them, blah blah blah. Since your partners have been basically pulling their paychecks out of the profits afforded to partners, I don't see how they aren't going to be major pissed over losing that money, or God forbid, having to bring in new business themselves and actually work for their paychecks.

Is there any way you can begin to separate yourself from them quietly without making an announcement? Yes, they would still be making money off your hard work, but if you could start collecting your files, getting things all together, etc. so that when you have the discussion/make the announcement, much of the disentanglement has been completed and is ready to go? It won't make things less miserable, but it might make the misery less short lived?

Do you have any colleagues who have dissolved partnerships in the past who you trust and can ask them if they were able to achieve with a minimal amount of misery? Perhaps they will have some advice for you on how they made it work.

Best I can say right now is wait until the holidays are over. People are usually stressed out enough this time of year, and you might push them over the edge if you do it now, making things really miserable.

Good luck.

(in reply to Iamsemisweet)

Post #: 11

RE: Breaking up is hard to do - 12/16/2011 7:45:53 PM

xxblushesxx

Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline

If you are taking business with you, you need to follow the contract you signed (or they signed) when you first came on board with this company.

You may also need (as Kana suggested) an attorney to look after your own best interests.

_____________________________

~Christina

A nice girl with a disturbing hobby

My femdom findom blog: http://www.MistressAvarice.com

(in reply to LafayetteLady)

Post #: 12

RE: Breaking up is hard to do - 12/17/2011 9:28:04 PM

Casteele

Posts: 655
Joined: 12/10/2011
From: Near Sacramento, California, USA
Status: offline

I like kdsub and littlewonder's attitudes and approaches. (Very mature and direct, and not an ounce of negativity, OR pulling punches, just "it is what it is". I like many of the other poster's comments, too. Definitely consult an attorney as a partnership is usually a legal contract and needs an attorney's knowledge and handling.

As for experiences, most of my breakups have always been on good terms. That is not to say there was no hurt or ill feelings involved; there were. But by approaching the issue in an adult manner, both sides have been able to cope in an adult manner. Those few which did not, there was nothing I could do; They wanted to feel and act the way they did, so I realize that nothing I could do will ever change that. I simply said "Sorry," and moved on. I've even been on the overly emotional and honestly, in hindsight, "totally fucked in the head" side of the equation, which I completely regret. But that is also what helped me understand and learn how to handle things more maturely--I eventually had to take a good, hard look at myself and how I was acting, and why I was acting that way. I did not like what I saw and worked to change it.

Just FYI, my current situation is similar in many respects. My roommate is also my ex-girlfriend of four years. We broke up about a year and a half ago, but because of our situations at the time, we agreed to be amicable and remain roommates. We've had our ups and downs, as well as emotional issues, but overall, it has worked out simply because we both make it work, in many ways encouraging each other to continue to do so. Even when she met a new man within weeks of our breakup, I found I was truly happy for her because he made her happy in ways I could not. The got married three months ago, and only last weekend did they finally find a place of their own and move out.

Just approach the situation as a rational, even headed person, and hope that the other person or people will follow suit. If not, accept that there is nothing you can do about it, and move on as best you can.

(in reply to kdsub)

Post #: 13

RE: Breaking up is hard to do - 12/17/2011 9:49:09 PM

LafayetteLady

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From: Northern New Jersey
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The partnership agreement might very well dicate how the partnership gets dissolved, although I don't know that three attorneys are going to need to bring in three more attorneys to dissolve it.

It seems that dissolving the partnership on paper is not that difficult (if the partnership contract mentions it), but rather, how to deal with people's emotions on the matter.

I stand by my idea of doing all the "legwork" of getting files together and such as quietly as possible before making the announcement. If I am remembering correctly, your partners will still be entitled to some money from clients that have ongoing cases with you after you leave for the work done prior to your leaving, although any settlements you get for those clients, the other partners share will be only up until the moment the partnership ends.

If you are able to do all the legwork, including finding a new place to hang your shingle, you should be able to make your exit pretty quickly and then be gone after the announcement. The other firm, you say was larger, and perhaps there were interdealing between partners and that took so long to disentagle? From the sounds of things, you don't have much of this now, which should make that problem less.

I'm sure the partnership papers don't dictate the reasons a partnership can be dissolved, and since you have tried to have discussions on these events, you don't need to do it again. It seems as though that is where you are most worried that things are going to blow up. If you can be totally prepared with files ready to go (I know you plan on taking your secretary, you have spoken highly of her), have a new (even if only temporary) office space set up, then when the time comes, tell them that you have decided this partnership isn't working and you want out. Spell out what the partnership agreement you all signed says about dissolution or one partner leaving. Explain, how you have accomplish getting each of those things done you could so as not to interrupt their work flow (that you say doesn't really exist anyway). Then let them know that while there are of course some details that will need to be worked out and communication between you will have to continue, you will be moving your office effective immediately.

Follow that as closely as you possibly can and when anyone asks you "why," just tell them that you have decided at this point in your life that you would like to have a solo practice and you can't do that if you have partners. In other words, lie through your teeth! Don't tell them it is because they make you miserable, they are lazy, and they don't bring in new business but earn off of your new business, that will start the problems. Make the reason about your needs that don't touch on that. If you can manage it, tell them you want to be closer to home, work less hours, change what you specialize in. Anything to keep the peace and get out the door.

(in reply to xxblushesxx)

Post #: 14

RE: Breaking up is hard to do - 12/18/2011 12:32:27 PM

Missokyst

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No question this is a case of the less said the better. Not gonna rag on you about dating your workmate because I think it can work even in a breakup. For this instance I think it is better to talk to your former lover about your need to go your own way. There is no real need for details except by saying you have not be happy in your firm for sometime and it is time to detangle yourself for your own well-being.
As far as the others go once you serve notice of quit, that is all that has to be said. Unless the client list is mandated to stay within the company I can't see how you would have any issue.
Good luck,

quote:

ORIGINAL: Iamsemisweet

the less said about my reasons for leaving, the better.
I have expressed my displeasure many times before, to no avail. Unfortunately, because of the nature of the business, I will be taking my clients with me, and it takes a while to disentangle all this.
I am more interested in hearing about how others have kept volatile situations like this from turning into all out wars. When a former, larger partnership broke up, we were stuck together for months trying to get disentangles, and it was awful. I really don't want that to happen again, there has to be a gracious, calm way to exit. I have never understood why some people get so emotional about what is, after all, just a business.

_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley

(in reply to Iamsemisweet)

Post #: 15

RE: Breaking up is hard to do - 12/19/2011 10:06:43 AM

Iamsemisweet

Posts: 3651
Joined: 4/9/2011
From: The Great Northwest, USA
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No one else there is qualified to do the kind of work I do. The procedure is kind of the easy part, the clients have to be informed and then they decide who where they will go. However, unless the clients want to change firms completely, there really isn't much choice. I have been through this a few times, so I understand the process really well.
Our lease has just expired, so the timing is good in that way. I can reimburse my partners for any expenses that they paid, and I will take with me ( like annual licenses). God, I hope we are going to be able to do this without lawyering up.
While I was hoping t find a way to do this without leaving long term friendships in tatters, there is probably no way. I really am dissatisfied, and any reason I could possibly give will reflect that, and will be taken personally. I guess I just have to be prepared for some unpleasant days ahead.

_____________________________

Alice: But I don't want to go among mad people.
The Cat: Oh, you can't help that. We're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad.
Alice: How do you know I'm mad?
The Cat: You must be. Or you wouldn't have come here.

(in reply to Missokyst)

Post #: 16

RE: Breaking up is hard to do - 12/19/2011 11:24:13 AM

LafayetteLady

Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
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Is it possible for you to get all your "ducks in a row" so to speak before making the announcement? You indicated you are hoping to strike out on your own as a solo practioners, and since your partners don't specialize in the same areas, the clients are likely going to follow you. Great for you, sucks for them.

No one should have to be miserable every single day at work. With the current lease being up, moving on is that much simpler, as neither winds up with unneeded office space. While the finalization of dissolving the partnership make take a bit more time, you should be able to get situated in a new office, get your clients all properly transferred and not have to see your partners on a daily basis, which in itself will make the transition less painful, wouldn't it?

(in reply to Iamsemisweet)

Post #: 17

RE: Breaking up is hard to do - 12/19/2011 11:29:41 AM

stellauk

Posts: 1360
Status: offline

Oh dear, I'm sorry that you're going through with this.

My general advice would be to make it short, sudden, and clean and deal with the fallout and repercussions afterwards at a distance.

No relationship involved but I'm going through something similar with a close friend. The business side of things is dead but I'm leaving the friendship open for repair and I don't want to post any more than this because some might know who I am writing about.

_____________________________

Usually when you have all the answers for something nobody is interested in listening.

(in reply to Iamsemisweet)

Post #: 18

RE: Breaking up is hard to do - 12/19/2011 11:42:30 AM

Iamsemisweet

Posts: 3651
Joined: 4/9/2011
From: The Great Northwest, USA
Status: offline

Thanks wStella, it is tough to go through this, regardless of the nature of the relationship. The romantic side of the relationship with my partner is long over, but we were very good friends. It is painful to think that the friendship relationship is going to end, but this is my livelihood, and I am beginning to see this firm as a slowly sinking ship. I am lucky to have the practice I do, but I don't bring in enough to carry my two other partners. The fact is, I am confident I would make more money on my own. I am hoping my secretary will want to come with me. That is up to her, of course, but there is no way the remaining practice will support two staff people, one of them will have to go anyway. One of the reasons that this has been such a hard decision is because it will affect the staff too.
I think you are right, LL. I am taking next week off, and I will look for an office space during that time. That shouldn't be too hard. Then, the best I can hope for is that we are able to be professional about the work that needs to be done to inform the clients and transfer the files. Fortunately, the bar takes a dim view on doing anything that might affect a client's case negatively, so I don't think there will be any attempt to limit access to the files. Nevertheless, I am taking a hard drive to work this week and copying all my files from the server.
If I hadn't been such good friends with my partner, I would have done this long ago. I will be sad about the loss of our friendship, but I can't take much more of this.

_____________________________

Alice: But I don't want to go among mad people.
The Cat: Oh, you can't help that. We're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad.
Alice: How do you know I'm mad?
The Cat: You must be. Or you wouldn't have come here.

(in reply to stellauk)

Post #: 19

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