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Newbies and External Stressors - 5/25/2006 2:59:18 PM

FitToBeTiedUp

Posts: 4
Joined: 5/22/2006
From: St. Paul, Minnesota
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I really don't like posting on forums that I've only lurked on briefly, but if I don't ask the question, I will probably drive at least two people crazy.

First of all, I would like to say that although I am a newbie (at least relatively speaking), I am not the kind of newbie with an idealized notion of everything and wants to jump into things with the first person who expresses interest. I'm a huge believer in safe, sane, and consensual. In my mind, part of that is knowing your situation and know who you're with. So, I'm in a situation and I'm trying to decide if I am overreacting.

I recently graduated from college. I'm in the process of moving across country to a completely new career having never taken time off from my own education. The new career will be demanding and I will have lots of responsibilities, both in training for it this summer and then when I'm actually engaging in it. In short, I'm up against a lot of new and challenging things that I'm looking forward to with anticipation and mild trepidation.

Right before graduating from college, I met up with someone that I'd known and chatted with for quite awhile previously. I would describe him as a friend, rather than an acquaintence, albeit a friend I had lost contact with for at least a year. He and I hung out and ended up playing for awhile, a rather short while, before I graduated and left. He and I continue to chat; I continue to sub to him from a distance. And he has offered me a collar.

On this point, I cannot help but doubt. I've never had a dominant before. I've had relationships that had elements of kink play in them, but this entire thing still feels very new to me. I'm hesitant to make any committment while facing the stressful unknown of my future career, which will also take a lot of adjustment.

So, I'm wondering about other peoples' experiences: trying new things while stressed, adjusting to new things while stressed. How does it work, how has it worked? Is it possible to overdo it and what happens when that happens?

And for that matter, I'm also kind of wondering about the standard feeling of "normal" before taking the leap and deciding to get into such a relationship. As in, even for those who didn't make the decision with other large stressors affecting them, what what the process like?

My internet access is not 24/7, so I won't be able to reply to pointed questions immediately. But rest assured, I am not a drive-by poster.

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RE: Newbies and External Stressors - 5/25/2006 4:25:31 PM

texturedshroom

Posts: 27
Joined: 6/5/2004
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Nothing relieves stressors like a good flogging.

(in reply to FitToBeTiedUp)

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RE: Newbies and External Stressors - 5/25/2006 9:36:34 PM

theRose4U

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quote:

ORIGINAL: texturedshroom

Nothing relieves stressors like a good flogging.

While I would agree with this a cyber flogging wouldn't have the same effect as he's listed this is a distance relationship.

I would say that having a dom can be a balancing influence. Having someone that you can call on for advice and a stabilizing influence is always good in a stressful situation even if it's just as a sounding board. Whether this person is looking for that is not clear from your post. It sounds like you're asking us if having a dom when you're making a major life change is a good idea...I would answer that as it depends on you and what your dom desires.

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RE: Newbies and External Stressors - 5/25/2006 10:52:17 PM

genvieve

Posts: 228
Joined: 5/14/2005
From: SF Bay Area
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i agree with the Rose...and would like to add the following.

Be certain of what each of you are looking for. If you do not know what you are looking for...please please please do research. Read books, talk to other submissives, entering this forum is verrah good. -smiles- But enjoy it.

Long distance D/s relationships can be tricky... they're hard...and not completely satisfying at times....just keep that in mind and you should be fine. But i can't stress it enough...

Communication, communication, communication!

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RE: Newbies and External Stressors - 5/25/2006 11:42:37 PM

becca333

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If this friendship is supportive, and if being collared to him will give you a safe place to relieve stress, then it'll be great.

But you're smart to want to find your base level, and to find a way to cope with all the changes in your life, first.

Talk to him. Just what will this require from you, and offer to you? How deep a commitment is it - is it really just cyber play? Will it lead to r/l? Is it exclusive for either or both of you?

What will you gain? And what will you lose? Would you be better advised to find someone closer, for r/l contact? Or nobody at all until you've got settled?

Ok more questions than answers, I know. But you need to ask a lot, and think about what kind of commitment you're making.

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RE: Newbies and External Stressors - 5/26/2006 5:59:06 AM

LuckyAlbatross

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Give it time. I think you're completely on the right track to WAIT and get settled before making a relationship commitment.

And then- date around, see what's available. Then make a decision when it feels right. There's no rush.

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RE: Newbies and External Stressors - 5/26/2006 6:06:15 AM

spectreandnectre

Posts: 401
Joined: 3/20/2006
From: nebraska
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i would have to say that as far as stress goes any loving Dominant would go out of His way to help you with those stressors and to offer help. That being said...

The general thing is if you are not comfortable with continuing this relationship then don't.

But personally i would hold a conversation with Him and explain things exactly the way you did here and be completely honest. Its very possible that He may have those answers and will work with you on overcoming those doubts.

In short if you really do care about this Dominant then try talking about it...if its just an uncomfortable feeling all around go on with your life without Him.

Just my humble opinion

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RE: Newbies and External Stressors - 5/26/2006 6:06:31 AM

piscess

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Beginning a new career will take a lot of focus. Beginning a relationship that you seem unsure of may not be what you need right now.

Take your time, talk to him and let him know your concerns. Keeping things light for now until you are really ready to commit to a relationship.

And above all, like you have been told here.......communicate, communicate, communicate.

piscess

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RE: Newbies and External Stressors - 5/26/2006 6:19:17 AM

iliv2servher

Posts: 228
Joined: 5/17/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: FitToBeTiedUp

So, I'm wondering about other peoples' experiences: trying new things while stressed, adjusting to new things while stressed. How does it work, how has it worked? Is it possible to overdo it and what happens when that happens?

.

It may not be the best time to explore this realm, since you do have the added stress of adjusting to a career. The demands upon you might be overwealming. On the other hand, life often hands us multiple opportunities at once, and if you don't take the opportunities offered to you, then you might have regrets later on. However, if you are just graduating from college, it would appear that you have your whole life ahead of you. In other words, all in good time.

Best of luck with whatever decision you make.

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RE: Newbies and External Stressors - 5/26/2006 6:27:15 AM

Arpig

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Keep fovused on your career at the moment, you are just starting out and if you fuck it up now it will take you years to undo it. If this friend is the "right" one for you, then he/she will be there for you in a year or two, when you are settled in your new career and life.
A collar usually implies a committed relationship, and I doubt its value in a long distance relationship, personally. As well the fact that you really are very new to this whole lifestyle and are hesitant enough to accept the collar to me says that you are not really ready to do so....it should be a relatively easy decision to make, if you have to think and agonise over accepting a collar from somebody, then either the time or the person is not right.

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RE: Newbies and External Stressors - 5/26/2006 10:11:56 PM

theRose4U

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quote:

if you have to think and agonise over accepting a collar from somebody, then either the time or the person is not right.

I would very much agree

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RE: Newbies and External Stressors - 5/26/2006 10:52:45 PM

srllile7

Posts: 75
Joined: 3/30/2006
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I can not comment on accepting or not accepting a collar. but i can say that going into new things during stress isnt so bad. two weeks after meeting my now Master for the first time in person after a month of online my grandfather passed away unexpectedly and it did ruin a couple of visits, but my Dom still got on and chatted and sent messages everyday, he listened to every horrible good and stupid think i had to say and offered me a very well needed distraction. lol to add to the matter one of his good friends fathers was given a week to a month to live then died a week later, again stoping a visit. Then following that my uncle died so within the first visit so much had happened we were both stressed to the max but I feel like our trust grew like crazy and our relationship really took bigger leaps and bounds because of the stress, The whole new trials of being in a commited d/s relationship with the added kink i think is the only thing that keept me happily distracted during the stress, well i hope this novel helps you some hehehe.

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