Bringing in new people

Bringing in new people (Full Version)

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sirsnake1134 -> Bringing in new people (9/24/2011 4:08:33 PM)
There are two types of people in the lifestyle. Those who came in on their own, and those who were brought in by other people. Those who came in on their own have various reasons/paths of how they came in and got started. My question, though, is to those who were brought in by somebody else, or those who have brought people in. To those who were brought in: How did it happen? Did they just take you to a club/play party and, for a lack of better term, throw you into the deep end? Or did they start slowly with books, movies? To those who bring others in: How do you know what to look for? How do you know that the perspective partner you are "after" will fit the role you are looking for (Aka if your a Master/Dom(me) how do you know the person you are talking to is a sub, and vise-a-versa) How did you bring them in?

Endivius -> RE: Bringing in new people (9/24/2011 4:42:32 PM)
Bringing someone into BDSM isn't about looking for some kind of wierd special marker. Talk to them, find out thier interests. Talk to them, find out thier preferences. Talk to them.

HisPet21 -> RE: Bringing in new people (9/24/2011 4:59:52 PM)
I brought by bf into the BDSM world. Gradually, we are working on integrating more and more aspects of D/s into our relationship. It is a slow, but steady, process. When I started dating, I wasn't frantically looking for men who'd I'd be able to introduce to BDSM. I found my partner, fell in love with him, and gradually opened myself up to him. Part of the process just included letting him know that I had a submissive nature, had fantasies about being tortured by a dominant man, and wanted to integrate D/s into my relationship. Since he'd fallen in love with me, and because he had some unexplored, dominant tendencies to begin with, he agreed to try it out. Simple as that, really. We're committed to each other, and that means we try our best to fulfill each others needs. And honestly, I've found that when you love someone enough, their needs become your needs until there really are very few discrepancies. He's enjoyed the things we've tried and we plan on trying more. That's how it was for us, anyway.

lizi -> RE: Bringing in new people (9/24/2011 5:06:29 PM)
I was meeting men online to date after my marriage ended a few years back, and met someone on a dating site that intrigued me as far as his attitude and personality. We hit it off fairly well, he used the words dominant and submissive in some conversations which caught my interest and I eventually began looking for information on the computer using those words, which led me to realizing my own desire to be submissive in a relationship. We didn't last, he wasn't worthy of being my leader in the end (made piss poor decisions plus I really didn't respect him for various reasons), but I went on from there to look for other people here on CM and I still dated traditionally as well. I met my Dom here 2 1/2 years ago, if we were to part I'd probably look for someone here first rather than go 'outside' to a regular site as I prefer the male-led relationship. As far as what the first guy did to bring me in, he just showed his personality, and when I seemed receptive to it he'd try small things and phrases to see if I was still following along. It was kind of a slow building up process. I imagine that since I was open to sticking around and hearing more from him then he knew we were on the same page.

DarkSteven -> RE: Bringing in new people (9/24/2011 5:51:02 PM)
I tried to introduce one woman. She was willing to play along, but I doubt she was a genuine sub. However, I realized we weren't compatible on other grounds and didn't continue. I have, however, worked with some who thought they might be submissive. I talked with them and introduced them to the local scene and in some cases played with them.

Awareness -> RE: Bringing in new people (9/24/2011 6:44:00 PM)
Dude, what's your intent? Women can often be beguiled by combining the spiritual with the transgressive. Kink folks who think they're fundamentally different are simply ignorant. They're simply indulging their notions of the taboo - that's the primary charge which drives all of this variation. I find submissive women to be everywhere, but young women in particular are often looking for someone to lead them and combining a hint of the dangerous with your activities can often be a fascinating draw-card. Getting a woman from point A to point B is generally possible provided you do it in slow degrees. The issue here is not what is possible - there's no question about that - but what is ethical.

Tristan -> RE: Bringing in new people (9/25/2011 11:48:55 AM)
I simply look for someone with whom I feel chemistry. If the chemistry is there, I have always found varying degrees of the lifestyle will follow.

LillyBoPeep -> RE: Bringing in new people (9/25/2011 12:02:22 PM)
my late M is the one who brought me in basically. i mean, i had an interest in it thanks to discovering kinky internet porn, but i never imagined i'd meet anyone into it, or have the guts to actually try it or go to events. he noticed that i would follow his directions and be a gopher without him really having to ask me. for some reason, i was just very comfortable deferring to him, and i'd never been that comfortable with anyone in my life. his personality basically "required" that i respond in a particular way, which was extremely comfortable for me. the way we interacted led him to ask me what my thoughts were on my partner taking over during sex, and i said i preferred that. we started having rougher and rougher sex and then he flat out asked about BDSM and i was like "oh wowzers!" from sex it branched out into "life" when we realized we wanted to be more than FWBs. =p so basically, we just got to know each other. someone who is shy (like me) sometimes appreciates being led because then it doesn't seem like her idea (haha =p) and by actively involving yourself, you show that it's okay to like this stuff, and other sane people really do do things like this. =p i became more okay with things because i was comfortable with this guy and he gave me reason to trust him, and his involvement in BDSM didn't turn him into a monster or make him creepy. =p that's very important.

IrishMist -> RE: Bringing in new people (9/25/2011 12:30:50 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sirsnake1134 There are two types of people in the lifestyle. Those who came in on their own, and those who were brought in by other people. Those who came in on their own have various reasons/paths of how they came in and got started. My question, though, is to those who were brought in by somebody else, or those who have brought people in. To those who were brought in: How did it happen? Did they just take you to a club/play party and, for a lack of better term, throw you into the deep end? Or did they start slowly with books, movies? To those who bring others in: How do you know what to look for? How do you know that the perspective partner you are "after" will fit the role you are looking for (Aka if your a Master/Dom(me) how do you know the person you are talking to is a sub, and vise-a-versa) How did you bring them in? He told me that he wanted things 'a certain way', then went on to explain what that way was. He then told me that if I wanted to be in a relationship with him, there were two things that I had to remember. It was his way, or no way. I followed his orders, his lead, or I walked out the door. No second chances. Those were my choices. I chose his way [8D]

MasterSlaveLA -> RE: Bringing in new people (9/25/2011 1:08:31 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sirsnake1134 To those who were brought in: How did it happen? Most likely reasons? 1. Developed feelings for someone who enjoys the Power Dynamic. 2. Know someone involved in the Power Dynamic, and became curious. quote: To those who bring others in... I can't say I've EVER known anyone who set out to intentionally "bring in" a 'nilla person where there wasn't already some romantic interest with that person.

ChatteParfaitt -> RE: Bringing in new people (9/25/2011 1:16:59 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: IrishMist He told me that he wanted things 'a certain way', then went on to explain what that way was. He then told me that if I wanted to be in a relationship with him, there were two things that I had to remember. It was his way, or no way. I followed his orders, his lead, or I walked out the door. No second chances. Those were my choices. I chose his way [8D] This really resonates with me. My father used to have a saying: There is the right way, the wrong way, and MY way. And guess which way I want it? Yeah, okay so I did inherit some of those tendencies from him. All kinds of people can be identified as dom or sub or switch, whether they know they are or not. There is no big mystery to it. What you need to look for is the open mindedness it takes to move beyond fantasy to reality.

tolovetolaugh -> RE: Bringing in new people (9/25/2011 9:59:15 PM)
I use a progression method. First I determine if they have it in them... or if they really couldn't hurt a fly. I start small with wrestling. If you mention there will be nakedness involved... well no one has had said no to that step yet. You put up a fight, and when they have you pinned... do lots of rubbing against them and when they win... you reward them with sex. That seems to work well for men. Each time you wrestle make the getting to sex part come after a longer period. Lots of wriggling. Next, you slowly move that to roughness... dropping hints the whole time. Some men feel better hitting you if you can hit them back, and it be all fluffy and laughing- others thats a bad idea... use common sense to feel it out. Let him know just how horny it makes you when he is rough. Again, sex as a reward works wonders. If all has gone well so far, I introduce, that me being the way I am- if they tell me to shut up... I will shut up. And maybe jump them. You than proceed to talk about your period until they use it. Once you break their cherry on it, they feel a lot more comfortable doing it again. Just slowly introduce more things that excite you to the equation, make sure to keep it light for a while so they don't think they are abusing you. And keep repeating the sex. Lots of sex.

NocturnalStalker -> RE: Bringing in new people (9/25/2011 10:21:42 PM)
"Want to see a magic trick?"

LadyPact -> RE: Bringing in new people (9/25/2011 10:29:49 PM)
I got brought in. The person who wanted Me to be his Dominant at the time very specifically asked Me to be. We weren't in a relationship prior, so in one sense it was the deep end of the pool going to My first munch relatively quickly. I had books recommended to Me there. I brought MP in but we are not D/s compatible. We're not even all that top/bottom compatible. He did start out as the vanilla spouse who went with his kinky wife to events. Since then, he acquired an interest in topping.

SlaveSubtoserve -> RE: Bringing in new people (11/20/2011 3:27:37 PM)
i came in on my own at a young age.

Fornica -> RE: Bringing in new people (11/20/2011 4:04:08 PM)
I had to laugh at the title...like we're our own little island..lol.

DesFIP -> RE: Bringing in new people (11/20/2011 7:15:21 PM)
Are you talking about people who seek out public dungeons and go googling for one versus those who don't know where one is until someone else invites them? Because if you're talking about people who do wiitwd, then everyone came in on their own. You cannot take someone who has zero interest in bondage and teach them to enjoy it. Nor can you take someone who does not have confusion in their pain/pleasure interpretation and teach them to enjoy pain as pleasurable. It doesn't matter if you asked a date to spank you or she asked if she could spank you. What matters is that you said yes.

lelloy -> RE: Bringing in new people (11/21/2011 5:31:46 AM)
I learned about it and come in on my own, however I have introduced other people to it. Not all of them being partners. To those who bring others in: How do you know what to look for? How do you know that the perspective partner you are "after" will fit the role you are looking for (Aka if your a Master/Dom(me) how do you know the person you are talking to is a sub, and vise-a-versa) How did you bring them in? I don'tlook for anyone. If someone I know or someone I'm dating expresses an openmindedness and interest in kink then I tell them some of what I know. I DO NOT steer partners in the direction of the role I would like them in. That doesn't work IMO and I destest "training" Doms. The paper training alone is such a pain. I give out the information to local groups and educate on the safety concerns. Even while playing with the people I've introduced I am capable of topping so pretty much their preferences can be pretty fluid. Most of it is talking and either educating or sending them places where they can be educated.

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