RE: Is love better the second time around?

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RE: Is love better the second time around? - 9/14/2011 5:39:19 PM

LookieNoNookie

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quote:

ORIGINAL: M4S73R

I hope its better the second time. My first marriage was great in the beginning but deteriorated rabidly. Here's hoping.

Rabidly.

Freudian slip, no doubt.

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RE: Is love better the second time around? - 9/14/2011 6:27:21 PM

zephyroftheNorth

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LookieNoNookie

quote:

ORIGINAL: M4S73R

I hope its better the second time. My first marriage was great in the beginning but deteriorated rabidly. Here's hoping.

Rabidly.

Freudian slip, no doubt.

Either that or she gave him rabies...in which case, dude stay the fuck away from me!

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RE: Is love better the second time around? - 9/14/2011 8:27:22 PM

tiggerspoohbear

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My dad has found love again after being married to my mom for over 50 yrs. They've been together just over 3 yrs now and my mom passed away 4 yrs ago. They won't live together, they have no plans to get married, but they're so good for each other and I love her to pieces. She's like the mom I really didn't have. They love to travel, they both love to laugh and are so comfortable with each other. Her children (all around my age) think my dad is the greatest thing that's happened to her. Her husband was abusive and an alcoholic and she had no peace until he passed away. My dad is a total opposite and she loves that in him.

My sister lost her husband after they'd been together for 30 yrs. Were they happy? I don't know. I do know they loved each other but his job came first and he was rarely home. He needed the biggest, the most expensive, the this, the that to make himself appear "better" for lack of a better word. About 5 months after he passed, she found herself going out with a man she knew through my niece (her best friend's uncle). They'd known each other for years but nothing happened. Now they're together, they're in love and once my niece is finished college in 3 yrs, they're both selling their houses and moving in together. He's got my sister riding on his motorcycle, she's more relaxed, she seems more human at times.

And then there's me. I've never found anyone but Mr Wrong For Me and am still hopeful that one day the right man will come along. I've sacrificed a lot for the men I've been with, and received little in return. But I'd like to thin that by now I've learned better and the right man is just being made for me, he's just not quite "done" yet.

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RE: Is love better the second time around? - 9/14/2011 9:12:55 PM

M4S73R

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auto correct ftl. No rabies here.

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RE: Is love better the second time around? - 9/14/2011 9:20:40 PM

Kalista07

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quote:

ORIGINAL: NocturnalStalker

Except your house, but you're the woman so you'll get it all if it doesn't work out. Kidding.

NS,
How about I cmail you the name, number and address of the person I am legally married to... And then you can explain to him how wrong it is that I'm in an apartment, with very little dishes, no decorations, and uncomfortable furniture...While he and his slave are in the house he was buying for me, on my bed, and on my couch....

Kali

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RE: Is love better the second time around? - 9/14/2011 10:19:37 PM

Aynne88

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Yep. It is a proven fact most women lose financially after a divorce, that way of thinking is so archaic and outdated. Doesn't matter if you get caught cheating either, adultery means nothing in divorce cases.

http://money.cnn.com/2002/05/01/pf/expert/planning/q_divorce/index.htm

< Message edited by Aynne88 -- 9/14/2011 10:23:28 PM >

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RE: Is love better the second time around? - 9/14/2011 10:31:06 PM

HeatherMcLeather

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FR

I hope I never find out, but I honestly can't imagine anything could possibly be better than things are right now.

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RE: Is love better the second time around? - 9/14/2011 11:30:31 PM

NocturnalStalker

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Kalista07

quote:

ORIGINAL: NocturnalStalker

Except your house, but you're the woman so you'll get it all if it doesn't work out. Kidding.

NS,
How about I cmail you the name, number and address of the person I am legally married to... And then you can explain to him how wrong it is that I'm in an apartment, with very little dishes, no decorations, and uncomfortable furniture...While he and his slave are in the house he was buying for me, on my bed, and on my couch....

Kali

I've told you before, my days of being an assassin/contract killer are over.

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RE: Is love better the second time around? - 9/14/2011 11:49:16 PM

LadyPact

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This is going to be the crappiest answer this thread.

I honestly don't know.

The only thing that I can come up with is that it has to do with the type of man that I chose. Other than that, I'm kind of clueless. Not that My ex-husband was a bad guy. (He did have a hang up on My lack of wanting to be involved with organized religion.) I just think we didn't have any growing room together.

However, I fully get LaT's answer. MP is very well aware of something that My ex didn't take seriously. I am loyal to the end of the earth, but if you ask Me for a divorce, you will get one. If it comes out of the mouth even one time, you have sealed your fate.

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RE: Is love better the second time around? - 9/15/2011 12:27:49 AM

Kalista07

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quote:

ORIGINAL: NocturnalStalker

I've told you before, my days of being an assassin/contract killer are over.

WHAT!!!???? SERIOUSLY!!!!????? This is the first I've heard about your supposed "retirement". I'm going to have to call bullshit on this thing....
Come on, one last time for little 'ol me. Please??

And not wanting to hijack the thread.... My 2nd will be better because of me. I've grown, I've matured, I have a different set of standards. What I 'settled' for would not be permitted today!! I also have a support system today that would seriously kick my ass if I even dreamed of accepting someone who did not treat me the way I deserve to be treated.

I desire someone today who's going to make me a priority in their life.
Kali

< Message edited by Kalista07 -- 9/15/2011 12:29:58 AM >

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RE: Is love better the second time around? - 9/15/2011 12:46:38 AM

Arpig

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To the OP: No. Different but not better. I have only been married the once (12 years), but prior to that I was in a roughly 10 year common law relationship. It was no better or worse the 2nd time, just different.

quote:

It is a proven fact most women lose financially after a divorce

That all depends on if the guy is an asshole or not. When my Ex informed me she wanted a divorce I made sure her name was removed from all the utilities, etc. and that all the debts and liabilities were in my name alone so that she would owe nothing.

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RE: Is love better the second time around? - 9/15/2011 5:21:02 AM

lizi

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FR.
I also don't really want to be married again, but wanted to answer since I'm in a fully committed relationship now for 3 1/2 years and we both plan to continue with it till we're dead. That's the idea anyway. Hmmm.....maybe marriage again. I don't really know. He says yes to marriage, I'm the one hanging back.

Yeah, I think it's better the second time around. I think there is the whole learning process thing that you get from the first time, and since that is in place he and I are more careful with each other. We want it to last so we treat things with a more proactive bent. We are old enough to know how good relationships should work, and we take that stuff and actually apply it being with each other. We're more respectful, we do more positive things together and for each other. We know how rare it is to find that other half, so we approach it as a gift that we've received that needs TLC in order to flourish. No taking for granted. There's this air that permeates our dealings with each other that is cautious and respectful. Not to say that we treat things too carefully so that's it's stagnant or that we don't make mistakes. We certainly make the mistakes.

Personally I learned how to be more selective about picking this time and watch along the way for signs that it was the right thing or not. On the negative side...I find that I have more of a tendency when we hit a rough spot to want to walk away. I battle that, it's negative, it's baggage, and I don't want it around, but I do it. At least I do internally, he actually has no idea how often my mind goes there and then I talk myself back because it's stupid for me to do that and I hate it that I do.

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RE: Is love better the second time around? - 9/15/2011 6:37:34 AM

Iamsemisweet

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Thank you, this has been useful. I do want to be married again, but i don't don't don't want to ever go through another divorce. It sounds like most people are more conscientious about nurturing their second relationships.

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RE: Is love better the second time around? - 9/15/2011 7:24:16 AM

lizi

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Iamsemisweet

Thank you, this has been useful. I do want to be married again, but i don't don't don't want to ever go through another divorce. It sounds like most people are more conscientious about nurturing their second relationships.

Yes, I think we are both more careful and keep it in the back of our minds that there was failure before and it was devastating. It makes it harder to trust and go forward a second time, but we seem to want to do that and just be more cautious....if there is something to be done to be more nuturing and giving we want to do it. We don't want another failure. Which is why I'm ready to run at the slightest provocation sometimes, don't want another failure, but that's just me and something I am working on.

It's not enough now to make a mistake with each other and say whoopsie. We know that there are some things that you don't get back and that don't recover from certain treatment. Plus the proactive stuff....just knowing that you have to put out an enormous amount of work to keep things running well and we're glad to do it. You can't just sit back and expect something for nothing. Maybe that's the main difference now...? Knowing that it takes a lot of work and sheperding things carefully during good times and bad.

It's interesting that you mentioned marriage. I'll have to see where I end up with that someday. He's out there making plans for our future and I kind of hang back. I do give him as much as I have, I just don't know if I have as much trust in the future as he does. So far anyway...

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RE: Is love better the second time around? - 9/15/2011 8:01:29 AM

LaTigresse

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Iamsemisweet

Thank you, this has been useful. I do want to be married again, but i don't don't don't want to ever go through another divorce. It sounds like most people are more conscientious about nurturing their second relationships.

We made a very conscious decision in that, divorce is never going to be an option. I suppose, if aliens invaded one of our bodies and turned us into some horrible Jekyll and Hyde monster, the no divorce EVER might change.......but I just don't see it happening. We were friends first, we will always be best friends first and foremost. Everything else is negotiable.

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RE: Is love better the second time around? - 9/15/2011 8:04:22 AM

Iamsemisweet

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Yes, being married again is important to me. I also think back on how I sometimes treated my ex and how careless I was with our relationship. I hope I don't make those mistakes again.

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RE: Is love better the second time around? - 9/15/2011 8:21:13 AM

LaTigresse

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In my mind.......most people go into marriage with a lot of really wrong expectations. They have their own agenda and generally, just assume that the other person will have a similar one.

A young married couple I know, she just assumed he would want to have children within a year or two and is now hurt that he has distanced himself from her emotionally and sexually. He wants to keep buying expensive toys and playing. When she was telling me about he issues, I asked her if they had discussed this stuff prior to marriage and no, they really hadn't. Oops! Another case of two people that love one another, both (I can only assume on this one) wanted to get married, but had no clue what that really meant to one another. I don't know them well enough to make an assessment but to me, it is a recipe for divorce.

Too many seem to have the mindset that the other person is responsible for their happiness. G.D. is not responsible for my happiness nor am I for his.

A LOT of the stuff that G.D. and I have been through would be divorce fuel for many couples. There are still a few issues that are....delicate......his political aspirations being one of them. But we just flow with it. Give one another A LOT of space to just BE whatever we need to and trust that whatever that is, isn't going to totally fuck a lot of shit up. We've weathered a lot of shit and come out stronger for it. Both as individuals and a unit.

< Message edited by LaTigresse -- 9/15/2011 8:23:06 AM >

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RE: Is love better the second time around? - 9/15/2011 10:10:30 AM

Iamsemisweet

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Like I said, I wish I had been more aware of the importance of my first marriage, although my ex was not much better. It is amazing we lasted as long as we did, but it had to do more with perseverance than happiness. I want this relationship to be different, and I feel lucky to have met someone I am so compatible with.

I was pretty up front when I was dating that my ultimate goal was marriage. When I mentioned it to some people, I never heard from them again, which is fine.

Sounds like you have a relationship to admire, LaT. I was talking about marriage and meeting the needs of your spouse with my personal trainer last night, also, so I think how to keep things going is an important topic for a lot of people.

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RE: Is love better the second time around? - 9/15/2011 12:46:52 PM

LaTigresse

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Iamsemisweet
I was talking about marriage and meeting the needs of your spouse with my personal trainer last night, also, so I think how to keep things going is an important topic for a lot of people.

It was interesting, the odd knee jerk reaction I had to the bit I bolded, when I read it. My first reaction is that....I am not responsible to 'meet his needs'! But then I thought that was such a really selfish and snotty thought. Which knowing G.D. like I do, he wouldn't have put up with me for that long, if I was selfish and snotty. So I went through some fast mental gymnastics to understand what bothered me about that.

I think it's perhaps the wording, meeting their needs. I am, have always been, of the mind that we are each responsible for meeting our own needs. Now please, bare with me on this as I am using it in a very broad sense, not carnal, or anything specific. Perhaps it is even the word 'needs'. To ME, that turns into expectations. Reading as, meeting their expectations. Which tends to also bug me because that means we are trying to be the person they want us to be rather than the person WE need to be. Or, even worse, trying to be the person we believe they expect us to be.

And to complicate matters, we are having this conversation on a website where power exchange relationships are pretty damned common, so the whole needs and expectations thing is vastly different than the point of view I have of G.D. and I. For US, it is not about meeting needs or even expectations, but instead working towards a common goal. Doing what we can to make it as easy as possible for the other person without compromising our personal responsibility, especially the responsibility we have to and for ourselves.

I don't know if any of that makes any sense AT ALL.......

< Message edited by LaTigresse -- 9/15/2011 12:48:55 PM >

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RE: Is love better the second time around? - 9/15/2011 6:09:46 PM

Aynne88

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Arpig

To the OP: No. Different but not better. I have only been married the once (12 years), but prior to that I was in a roughly 10 year common law relationship. It was no better or worse the 2nd time, just different.

quote:

It is a proven fact most women lose financially after a divorce
That all depends on if the guy is an asshole or not. When my Ex informed me she wanted a divorce I made sure her name was removed from all the utilities, etc. and that all the debts and liabilities were in my name alone so that she would owe nothing.

Yes that is true Bob, but sadly not all men are that way, and the tired old fallacy that women get everything is just not so. My ex tried to hang me for adultery even though he did the same thing, the judge said that bore zero relevance and was a non issue. I also took no spousal support since I wanted out. I did want the dogs and some art work and my Dad's guns. That was it and he was lucky. So it's nice to see both sides can be decent.

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