Is love better the second time around?

Is love better the second time around? (Full Version)

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Iamsemisweet -> Is love better the second time around? (9/13/2011 12:42:21 PM)
I have been dating my vanilla boy friend for about 6 months now. I hate the term "boy friend", at 52, it seems kind of stupid, so I will call him Vanilla in this post. Both of us have similar backgrounds, we were both married to other people for over 20 years, both divorced about 4 years, both of us have grown children that we are close to, and established careers. Vanilla is in many ways the absolute perfect person for me. Loves dogs and horses, kind of a farmer-nurturer type like me, fun to be with, fit, loves the outdoors, and on and on. While I wouldn't say he is naturally dominant, he has certainly shown a willingness to explore this with me too. I will use the term "marriage" here, but really what I am trying to find out about is second long term relationships. I am aware that second marriages are often not successful, despite the best intentions of the people involved. For those of you who have had second marriages, why did they succeed, or why did they fail? What kinds of things did you do differently from your first marriage (or LTR)? What do you wish you had done differently?

DesFIP -> RE: Is love better the second time around? (9/13/2011 12:51:00 PM)
We dated for three years before moving in together. We talked everything out at length, no secrets. My dog absolutely loved him from the first meet. That was very important to me. My kids liked him. Basically we went slow and weren't married to anything in our heads. If things didn't work, we would drop it and do other stuff while talking about what went wrong. If one of us later on wanted to revisit something, we talked about it.

pahunkboy -> RE: Is love better the second time around? (9/13/2011 1:02:30 PM)
OP- this is as good as it gets.

LaTigresse -> RE: Is love better the second time around? (9/13/2011 1:02:42 PM)
21 years and counting. It succeeds because we won't accept any other option. We give one another space to be exactly who we need to be. We respect one another and trust one another.

PeonForHer -> RE: Is love better the second time around? (9/13/2011 1:24:21 PM)
Love is always better the second time around. That is, if the first person you've loved is yourself. [Sorry about that. I don't know what it is - maybe I getting old. I keep coming over all deep and sincere these days. ;-)]

Iamsemisweet -> RE: Is love better the second time around? (9/13/2011 1:26:26 PM)
Don't stop, Peon!

agirl -> RE: Is love better the second time around? (9/13/2011 1:48:41 PM)
I don't want a marriage of any kind. I'm a similar age and this is my second long term relationship but to be together in the married way.....oh no. This works because we do NOT live together, even after all these years. I cannot live WITH anyone other than blood related young men and their cohorts. I can share every deep and dark but I just cannot share a living space. M assures me that after a period of painful adjustment I'd get used to it. I prefer that we never have to explore that situation......LOL This relationship is NOTHING like any other I've had, so nothing to compare. This is purely M/s....I've nothing remotely like the standing I had when I was married, nothing like the say in what occured and so on and so forth. Egalitarian marriage drove me slightly mad, being owned has it's own frustrations and can be maddening..........I'm not sure I'd do either again.......lol agirl

BurntKitty -> RE: Is love better the second time around? (9/13/2011 2:18:31 PM)
It's good the third and fourth time around, too as long as I can sleep in between! At 53, I am more than ready to settle down with the sweetest sadist I've ever known. He's very good to me, as well as evil- in a delicious way.

DomImus -> RE: Is love better the second time around? (9/13/2011 2:34:13 PM)
I'm just glad I never looked at love like a pass/fail report card thing.

Iamsemisweet -> RE: Is love better the second time around? (9/13/2011 2:37:36 PM)
No idea what you are talking about. quote: ORIGINAL: DomImus I'm just glad I never looked at love like a pass/fail report card thing.

LadyHibiscus -> RE: Is love better the second time around? (9/13/2011 2:39:37 PM)
I've never had a "first time", so I don't have that comparison, but if you have a good relationship, live it and enjoy it, whether you move in together, marry, or do something else. Those traditional solutions don't have to be the ones you end up with.

Iamsemisweet -> RE: Is love better the second time around? (9/13/2011 2:43:14 PM)
Agreed LadyHib, except that I am pretty traditional. I don't see being involved in a relationship long term that isn't going to lead to marriage, for emotional, social and financial reasons. I know lots of people don't feel that way, more power to them, but I do, and Vanilla seems to feel much the same way. Plus, he is just so damn cute. Sorry, had to put that in there. Mostly I am just enjoying the relationship, but I get the feeling he is going to want a further commitment soon.

LadyHibiscus -> RE: Is love better the second time around? (9/13/2011 2:45:15 PM)
Well if you are both like minded, that's a good thing, right? Take the chance, we really get so few of them.

littlewonder -> RE: Is love better the second time around? (9/13/2011 2:53:32 PM)
I was married once. It was my only long term relationship. It was a wonderful relationship. We were very happy together and I loved him more than I thought I could ever love another person. Sure we had our problems that caused us a lot of problems but underneath it all we couldn't imagine being with anyone else. We were childhood sweethearts. When he died I thought that was it. I'd never love another like him. Then I met Master and I can tell you that my love for him is probably as close to my marriage as I'll ever get. Neither relationship is greater than the other...just different in the way the love is felt.

LookieNoNookie -> RE: Is love better the second time around? (9/13/2011 3:50:03 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Iamsemisweet I have been dating my vanilla boy friend for about 6 months now. I hate the term "boy friend", at 52, it seems kind of stupid, so I will call him Vanilla in this post. Both of us have similar backgrounds, we were both married to other people for over 20 years, both divorced about 4 years, both of us have grown children that we are close to, and established careers. Vanilla is in many ways the absolute perfect person for me. Loves dogs and horses, kind of a farmer-nurturer type like me, fun to be with, fit, loves the outdoors, and on and on. While I wouldn't say he is naturally dominant, he has certainly shown a willingness to explore this with me too. I will use the term "marriage" here, but really what I am trying to find out about is second long term relationships. I am aware that second marriages are often not successful, despite the best intentions of the people involved. For those of you who have had second marriages, why did they succeed, or why did they fail? What kinds of things did you do differently from your first marriage (or LTR)? What do you wish you had done differently? I've found that 26th marriages are often the most successful. Here's why: After 25, you pretty much just say "what the fuck". (Just my thoughts).

slaveluci -> RE: Is love better the second time around? (9/13/2011 6:43:39 PM)
In my family, second marriages have been great. My mom was married once before divorcing and marrying my dad. My brother's first marriage ended badly but his second is several years long and going strong. I am married for the second time myself and it's terrific. We seem to have a history of marrying badly the first time and then correcting that and finding a great second partner. I've seen this with lots of friends and acquaintances as well. As far as what I did differently this second time....I chose a partner who truly loves and respects me. As much as I loved and sacrificed for my first husband, he just wasn't capable of giving that much back to me. I still love him and wish him only the best but I could never go back to a relationship where I wasn't respected and treated lovingly. I would say my mom and brother would probably say something very similar. My mom's first husband was alot like my first husband - handsome, exciting but totally worthless as a protector and provider. My brother's ex used him, cheated on him and didn't show him the respect he deserved because he was a good provider who loved her very much. I think for all of us it came down to taking better care of ourselves and realizing just how toxic the first marriages all were. There comes a point where ya just have to love yourself more than someone else, esp. when they're not really loving you back......luci

SternSkipper -> RE: Is love better the second time around? (9/13/2011 8:15:45 PM)
quote: I have been dating my vanilla boy friend for about 6 months now. I hate the term "boy friend", at 52, it seems kind of stupid, Call him "the Stalker" it'll make for good girltalk and your kids might even think its cool[:D]

NocturnalStalker -> RE: Is love better the second time around? (9/13/2011 9:39:53 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Iamsemisweet I have been dating my vanilla boy friend for about 6 months now. I hate the term "boy friend", at 52, it seems kind of stupid, so I will call him Vanilla in this post. Both of us have similar backgrounds, we were both married to other people for over 20 years, both divorced about 4 years, both of us have grown children that we are close to, and established careers. Vanilla is in many ways the absolute perfect person for me. Loves dogs and horses, kind of a farmer-nurturer type like me, fun to be with, fit, loves the outdoors, and on and on. While I wouldn't say he is naturally dominant, he has certainly shown a willingness to explore this with me too. I will use the term "marriage" here, but really what I am trying to find out about is second long term relationships. I am aware that second marriages are often not successful, despite the best intentions of the people involved. For those of you who have had second marriages, why did they succeed, or why did they fail? What kinds of things did you do differently from your first marriage (or LTR)? What do you wish you had done differently? Obviously I can't comment on the marriage situation (and to be frank, it is something that makes me break out in hives just thinking of) but it sounds like you have found quite the perfect fit for you. I'm a "thinking ahead" sort of guy and I like to plan future events out as meticulous as possible but I decided to let whomever I enjoy the company of so much that I seek to make them a near-permanent fixture of my life something random. Everybody needs a good thrill, so what have you got to lose? Except your house, but you're the woman so you'll get it all if it doesn't work out. Kidding.

M4S73R -> RE: Is love better the second time around? (9/13/2011 10:15:10 PM)
I hope its better the second time. My first marriage was great in the beginning but deteriorated rabidly. Here's hoping.

Iamsemisweet -> RE: Is love better the second time around? (9/13/2011 10:15:56 PM)
now that you mention it, I did get the house at the end of my 20 year marriage. As financial investments go, that did not end up being very profitable. I never want to get stuck with the house again. quote: ORIGINAL: NocturnalStalker quote: ORIGINAL: [/lEverybody needs a good thrill, so what have you got to lose? Except your house, but you're the woman so you'll get it all if it doesn't work out. Kidding.

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