RE: Honesty without outing

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JstAnotherSub -> RE: Honesty without outing (6/24/2011 5:06:42 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Kalista07 Well I want to thank you all for your advice and words of wisdom......At this time I've decided that what I more than likely need to do is offer to pay him some sort of financial support. Kali That is great, if you want to hold on to that victim card forever. Otherwise, follow the advice Anjelika gave you.

DarkSteven -> RE: Honesty without outing (6/24/2011 5:36:54 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Kalista07 Well I want to thank you all for your advice and words of wisdom......At this time I've decided that what I more than likely need to do is offer to pay him some sort of financial support. Kali WTF? You're broke. He has two incomes at his disposal, you have one.

GreedyTop -> RE: Honesty without outing (6/24/2011 5:44:39 AM)
kali.. taking the high road, which as far as I can see you have gone WAY above and beyond here, DOES NOT MEAN that you pay his sorry ass to support him and the chick that displaced you. TAKE CARE OF YOU. I suspect it's going to get nasty.. he's going to get all defensive, because as far as he is concerned, he has done nothing wrong (neither has the new chick). Like Kana said.. get a shark.. do what said shark says.

lizi -> RE: Honesty without outing (6/24/2011 6:12:36 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Kalista07 Well I want to thank you all for your advice and words of wisdom......At this time I've decided that what I more than likely need to do is offer to pay him some sort of financial support. Kali Really? Obviously I don't know the specifics, but this seems rather over the top. He left the relationship by asking you to go, and after all the pain and anguish you suffered from being treated as disposable waste you're going to PAY him for tossing your marriage vows out the door? If you think this is taking the high road please think again, it's more like reinforcing bad behavior. He left the marriage, the only reason you are going through this now is for that reason. Who actually gives a rip if you out him or not? He should have thought of that before picking another person over you. You don't have to go out of your way to out him and be vindictive but go to a lawyer and use him/her as you should....tell them your situation and let them advise you. It's their freaking job, do you really think they've never heard of this kind of thing before in some form? Standing up for yourself is not being a troublemaker. Don't let the other two take advantage of you, you'll regret it later when you feel like roadkill. Don't pay them to make this go away, it was his choice to leave the marriage, let him find out what his choice entails. Don't make this easy for them and prostitute yourself in order to do it.

Kalista07 -> RE: Honesty without outing (6/24/2011 8:41:34 AM)
Well here's some pertinent details of the situation i may have left out previously..... He bought the house prior to us being married. So, while it is in his name we we were both well aware that we could not afford it with out each other. So....I feel obligated to help him so he doesn't loose the house. Last time I talked to him she was not helping him with any of the bills. Kali.

DesFIP -> RE: Honesty without outing (6/24/2011 8:54:10 AM)
Then he owes you to return the monies you paid him, unless this was in lieu of rent. If he chooses not to get a second job, or demand she pay rent, that's his problem. He can rent out a room. Turn the garage into an apartment and rent it out. Or he can sell the house. Your financial concern is you. He isn't offering to help you buy a new car or even help you when yours breaks down, but he expects you to subsidize his house payment forever? Again, you are still submitting to him and he doesn't deserve that. And you deserve better than to be taken advantage by him and his new girl who is probably laughing at you paying her way.

windchymes -> RE: Honesty without outing (6/24/2011 8:56:10 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Kalista07 Well here's some pertinent details of the situation i may have left out previously..... He bought the house prior to us being married. So, while it is in his name we we were both well aware that we could not afford it with out each other. So....I feel obligated to help him so he doesn't loose the house. Last time I talked to him she was not helping him with any of the bills. Kali. Kali, I say this with the utmost respect and affection.....please don't make any major decisions about obligations until some of the dust has settled and you are thinking with your head and not your emotions. His house, his choice on which woman he wanted in his life, his problem. If it gets down to the nitty gritty, he can sell the house and get something THEY can afford. Like you said you BOTH were well aware. He chose to let you go and start a life with someone else, as have you. You both need to take care of yourselves.....unless there are minor children involved that he takes custory of. That's the only thing you might owe him money for. All these obligations you are feeling are just emotions, normal emotions, going through a grieving process. What you're doing is starting to swing towards "enabling"....enabling him to not grow up and take responsibility for his own actions, which he'll never do if you keep on trying to pad the way for him. PLEASE stop trying to take care of him and take care of yourself, please please please [:)]

angelikaJ -> RE: Honesty without outing (6/24/2011 9:36:42 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Kalista07 Well here's some pertinent details of the situation i may have left out previously..... He bought the house prior to us being married. So, while it is in his name we we were both well aware that we could not afford it with out each other. So....I feel obligated to help him so he doesn't loose the house. Last time I talked to him she was not helping him with any of the bills. Kali. I know you don't just go from loving someone to not loving them, even if they hurt you; sometimes even if they abuse you. I think you are still trying to protect him from her and save him from himself. He made choices. Those choices have consequences. Some of those consequences may be long reaching. When you let him know you were unhappy, he could have made a different choice. Simply put, he could have chosen you. It is not a failure on your part that he didn't. The house and you were kind of a package deal and he was aware of that. You are NOT being unfair in acknowledging that; you aren't being a bitch or any of those other words that may come popping into your head. You did not cause this. You can't control it. You can't cure it. This is a bed of his making, Kali. Let him figure it out and you do your best to take care of what is really important: you.

LadyConstanze -> RE: Honesty without outing (6/24/2011 10:03:31 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Kalista07 Well here's some pertinent details of the situation i may have left out previously..... He bought the house prior to us being married. So, while it is in his name we we were both well aware that we could not afford it with out each other. So....I feel obligated to help him so he doesn't loose the house. Last time I talked to him she was not helping him with any of the bills. Kali. Sorry, you helped him to pay for the house while you were living with him, you had to move out so why should you pay for a house you aren't living in? Would you pay rent for a flat after you moved out and the lease ended? He can't afford the house - well tough, he has to sell it then. You're not his mother and you don't owe him anything, or do you want to show your eternal gratitude that he kicked you out and forced you to find somewhere else to live? Oh she is not helping with any of the bills, well, too tough, I can't say my heart bleeds for him, he made his bed, let him sleep in it...

lizi -> RE: Honesty without outing (6/24/2011 10:28:04 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Kalista07 Well here's some pertinent details of the situation i may have left out previously..... He bought the house prior to us being married. So, while it is in his name we we were both well aware that we could not afford it with out each other. So....I feel obligated to help him so he doesn't loose the house. Last time I talked to him she was not helping him with any of the bills. Kali. Thank you for clarifying things Kali. You both took on the house with the idea that you had a partnership, you no longer have this partnership at his request. This was his choice, you are no longer bound to the responsibility you both took on, it no longer exists. He should know that this would be the repercussion to his choice to leave the marriage. If he didn't...well, too gosh darn bad. It was still his choice and he made it. It's his duty to look out for himself, not yours. If you had a child, a relative, a friend, who told you that they were going to subsidize their estranged partner in paying for a house that they no longer live in but the partner's new gf does...what would you think? Would you want to shake them and say wake up? You are not going to live in the home, you will not get any proceeds of your payment towards the home, you are throwing your money away to support someone that you no longer have ties to. That's crazy. He made the choice to stay with the non-working slave, he needs to live up to the consequences of his actions. If he loses the house it's not your fault or your concern as it was his choice to do this. Please think things over by taking out the personal details and focusing on what exactly you're saying here. You're going to support him financially in a divorce you didn't necessarily want because without you he can't pay his own living expenses. That's it in a nutshell. Please reconsider...

DecadentDesire -> RE: Honesty without outing (6/24/2011 12:53:11 PM)
You've gotten some really good advice up until this point about how to approach the situation of keeping your private life private in the divorce. However, the topic of this thread seems to have switched from that to the specifics of the divorce and how you should handle it. It would be my strong recommendation that you ignore the advice of people in this thread who don't know enough about the specifics of your divorce to be giving such strong advice to begin with and focus instead on discussing your divorce with your lawyer who is educated on the specifics and can provide the best course of action for you to take.

heartfeltsub -> RE: Honesty without outing (6/24/2011 1:19:44 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Kalista07 Thanks everyone for your suggestions......... Despite everything he's done to me I don't want to hurt him and I don't want to be vindictive. But I honestly don't know where the line is between me being "nice" and "not vindictive" and allowing them to "run the hell over me". Kali Hey there Kalista, First of all, i wanted to say that i am really sorry that you are having to go through what you are facing. And secondly i wanted to address the portion that i bolded. i felt the same way when i was facing my divorce from a man i had been married to for almost 23 years, (since i was 18 years old). i didn't want to become a bitter and vindictive woman, but what i ended up being was a stupid one. i took too much of the debt with me when he wanted a divorce. At the time he was making almost twice what i was making. And i also didn't want to ask for alimony until my lawyer said that he wouldn't represent me unless i did ask for it. i did eventually ask for it, but only for a year. i should have looked longer down the road, and that is what i am counseling you to do as well. If i could have thought of the future i would have made some wiser decisions about finances. So please take a word of advice from someone who has been through it, please look to your own interests and your future.

Canaille -> RE: Honesty without outing (6/24/2011 1:44:19 PM)
Talk to a lawyer. As a matter of fact, talk to several lawyers. It has nothing to do with creating a conflict of interest, it's just a matter of finding someone that you can have a rapport with. The attorney is going to become part of your support network through this, so you want to take the time to make sure this is someone that will actually support you. Finding an attorney with experience in kink is a big help, but it's not necessary. You're hiring them for their expertise in the law, and that's going to be what matters. But absolutely, absolutely tell them everything. Believe me when I say that it's all going to come out, anyhow. Anything that you hide becomes a danger to you and your future. If you tell your lawyer that you want to keep the kink portion out of things as much as possible, then it will stay out unless he or his attorney brings it in. The courts are a lot more kink-aware than you think, and a lot less judgmental. Kink won't affect the judgement. Only the actions on both sides and the quality of your attorneys will. Oh, and if you both request that the record be sealed, in most states, it will be.

ChatteParfaitt -> RE: Honesty without outing (6/24/2011 1:51:05 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Canaille Talk to a lawyer. As a matter of fact, talk to several lawyers. It has nothing to do with creating a conflict of interest, it's just a matter of finding someone that you can have a rapport with. The attorney is going to become part of your support network through this, so you want to take the time to make sure this is someone that will actually support you. Finding an attorney with experience in kink is a big help, but it's not necessary. You're hiring them for their expertise in the law, and that's going to be what matters. But absolutely, absolutely tell them everything. Believe me when I say that it's all going to come out, anyhow. Anything that you hide becomes a danger to you and your future. If you tell your lawyer that you want to keep the kink portion out of things as much as possible, then it will stay out unless he or his attorney brings it in. The courts are a lot more kink-aware than you think, and a lot less judgmental. Kink won't affect the judgement. Only the actions on both sides and the quality of your attorneys will. Oh, and if you both request that the record be sealed, in most states, it will be. Please listen to this advice. I don't know you from these boards, but I feel for you. Friends tried to advise me when I left my husband of 20 years. I did not listen and paid an incredible cost, and it was not merely financial. I was floored at how vindictive my ex was, and I am mostly not a naive person. Please turn it all over to a good lawyer, and then move on with your life. And yes, I know how easy that is for me to say, been there, had to do that, but really it's all you can do. Right now you don't feel like it, please, just fake it. Fake it works until you feel like YOU again.

JstAnotherSub -> RE: Honesty without outing (6/24/2011 1:53:14 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Kalista07 Well here's some pertinent details of the situation i may have left out previously..... He bought the house prior to us being married. So, while it is in his name we we were both well aware that we could not afford it with out each other. So....I feel obligated to help him so he doesn't loose the house. Last time I talked to him she was not helping him with any of the bills. Kali. It sucks to be him hon. You are going to have to downsize, so will he. You have no responsibility at all to help him keep paying for a house!!!!

sexyred1 -> RE: Honesty without outing (6/24/2011 2:06:12 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Kalista07 Well here's some pertinent details of the situation i may have left out previously..... He bought the house prior to us being married. So, while it is in his name we we were both well aware that we could not afford it with out each other. So....I feel obligated to help him so he doesn't loose the house. Last time I talked to him she was not helping him with any of the bills. Kali. If the house is totally in his name, you have no obligation. Let him worry about her helping him pay for the house. Why would you even consider being nice or fair to someone who treated you so badly?

kalikshama -> RE: Honesty without outing (6/24/2011 2:08:52 PM)
I thought I was doing the right thing at the time, but 6 years later I, too, regret listening to friends' advice over legal advice.

LaTigresse -> RE: Honesty without outing (6/24/2011 2:21:17 PM)
The best advice a friend can give you is 'Get a lawyer'. Unless it is 'Get a lawyer NOW!'

ChatteParfaitt -> RE: Honesty without outing (6/24/2011 2:21:57 PM)
Just to be clear, friends advised me to take immediate legal action. I thought I knew him well enough that the split would not be (all that) acrimonious. Little did I know. There is this thing about dom males who have owned you, sometimes they get that idea in their head, and to them they will always own you. They can have a very hard time realizing it's over, or how to learn to be friends, or remembering how to be a human being, whatever. You are not his sub anymore, stop taking care of him.

LadyConstanze -> RE: Honesty without outing (6/24/2011 2:24:05 PM)
Red, it's something I can understand to a degree, I think he guilt tripped her into it. Been in a similar situation years ago where I broke up with a guy as it took me ages to figure out he has a drinking problem, only when I figured out he had moved in with me, lost the job, relied on me, I could have dealt with that but not the lies about therapy, the sneak drinking and getting abusive. When I finally broke up with him, I actually found him a flat, paid deposit and a few rents as he had guilt tripped me into that I am not supportive and I am part of his problem, blah blah... What can I say? I was a lot younger and some guys are good at pressing the right emotional buttons. Possibly because why I had this experience is why I advise her to do the same thing you say, let him worry about his own life, she doesn't owe him a thing, he's an adult and he made his choices, he now should live with him - without her support!

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