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ideas needed- on dententia chat w gram - 5/13/2011 9:01:26 AM

pahunkboy

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Hello. I was out in my old neighborhood the other day and forced myself to stop in at my grams.

She has dementia.

I am looking for topics- of conversation- that might work. I dont call her as often as I could-- as the conversation is always when is my mom coming into visit. Yesterday when I told her this summer, a few minutes later she asked if mom would be down later that day.

It is terrible when the mind goes. She still knows who I am- but had forgotten who my sister was for a few hours.

My uncle has her on some meds... and I popped in early in the day to see how effective they were-- because as the night comes it gets worse.

It would cause problems if I tried to take her anywhere- and if she fell - that would be ...on me. Her house is too hot and stuffy to stay any length of time- and I dont really even know to what extent she wants company.

Anyhow- I should call her every few days like I promised.....

How can I bring back the glory days? Or even a shimmer of that?

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RE: ideas needed- on dententia chat w gram - 5/13/2011 9:11:34 AM

windchymes

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Hunkie, the topic of conversation isn't important to her, just your company is. Just take her questions at face value, don't try to make her make sense. If she asks the same question over and over, just answer it simply as if it was the first time. Don't try to correct her, it just makes her more confused.

If she likes candy, take her some candy. If she likes flowers, pick a few wild daisies growing by the side of the road. If you can spare a few bucks, buy a cheap fan for the window to blow the stale air out. Maybe there's an old movie she liked once, or some music from another decade that she will remember. But if she doesn't remember, take it for what it is and go with it. The important thing is that she has a pleasant time, not that she's "cured".

It doesn't really matter what you can make her remember, and even if she does, she'll probably forget it again. Just live in the moment with her, talk about whatever she talks about at the time. Just go along with her. If she thinks you or someone else is someone else, you can gently try to correct her, but if she still doesn't remember, let it go, just take the ride with her.

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RE: ideas needed- on dententia chat w gram - 5/13/2011 9:19:33 AM

pahunkboy

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...It is sad- she never has the TV or radio on. I never see her with a cup of coffee. She always had a cup of coffee. It is like she is waiting to die.

In a way my hands are tied--- Good post Wind. Thanks.

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RE: ideas needed- on dententia chat w gram - 5/13/2011 9:26:03 AM

Hillwilliam

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You partially answered you own question hunky. Visit early in the day. Many folks with dementia are much more functional early. They even have a name for it "Sundowners Syndrome" meaning that later in the day the dementia becomes more pronounced.

Another thing is that many folks with dementia cant remember what they had for breakfast but they CAN remember things that happened 50 years ago. Try to steer things to 'ancient history'. You might even learn something about the era before you were born.

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RE: ideas needed- on dententia chat w gram - 5/13/2011 9:41:11 AM

windchymes

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quote:

ORIGINAL: pahunkboy

...It is sad- she never has the TV or radio on. I never see her with a cup of coffee. She always had a cup of coffee. It is like she is waiting to die.

In a way my hands are tied--- Good post Wind. Thanks.

There you go. Ask her what her favorite coffee is or was. Then take her some, whether she remembers it each time or not.

It's funny, my grandma was in her 80's when I found out she loved pizza, but she hadn't had it in years, because she loved it with everything, but all the people in her peer group only wanted cheese or veggies. So, we went to Pizza Hut for a Super Supreme. :) Man, could that woman put away pizza, dentures and all, lol.

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RE: ideas needed- on dententia chat w gram - 5/13/2011 9:46:00 AM

ChatteParfaitt

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Great advice so far, most especially about not trying to correct her when she forgets, it just makes her feel bad and confused. Try to find things she likes, or liked, and indulge her.

When my Grandma was dying, she had dementia as well. She thought I was my mother and called me Lovis (my mother's name). She didn't recognize my mother or my youngest sister who were caring for her 24/7.

She loved my fried chicken and biscuits, and I made them for her often. She constantly forgot she had eaten lunch or dinner, and would ask when food would be ready. Everyone got used to telling her I was making her chicken and biscuits right now. It made her happy. So what if she forgot about it 2 minutes later? When she asked again, she got to look forward to her favorite meal again. One of the happiest times in my life with her was making her favorite dinner and her delight in eating it (though I knew she would forget about it 5 mins after eating).

Yeah, she was old and sick and demented and went back to basics. As wind said, just spend quality time and don't expect her to make sense.

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RE: ideas needed- on dententia chat w gram - 5/13/2011 10:09:24 AM

pahunkboy

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I like the flower idea. I grow roses... so that will be easy. Visiting early- that sounds good. As it gets hot- my car is too hot to use. I try to combine my errands.

When we threw a Thanksgiving there- so many things in the house/kitchen did not work. It was a challenge. We fixed what we could.

My aunt- which would be her niece used to visit alot--- with her new job- she hasn't... and I take it she is perplexed as well.

I have cousins that my gram did everything for- in this region. All local. They have not seen her, called or wrote in over 20 years.

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RE: ideas needed- on dententia chat w gram - 5/13/2011 10:12:06 AM

needlesandpins

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i work with the elderly who usually have varying degrees of dementia. it can be tough and very wearing for those looking after them.

ask your grams how old she thinks she is. they usually will say somewhere in their 20-30's. then ask your parents what life was like for her back then, what routiens she had, did she go dancing, hobbies and that sort of thing. then you have something to bring up in conversation. it's improtant to keep a diary of dates that were something to her because even when they are right through the last stages of dementia they can often be really upset on a certain day but not know why. it's a very strange thing.

the older we get, the more like children we become. the silliest of things can make then laugh or cry. their tastes for food and drink can vastly change, hence why she may nolonger want the coffee. but you can ask her if she wants it and make it for her. don't wait for her to offer you a drink, suggest that you will make them instead. people will often stop boiling the kettle because of fear of spillage.

they will often ask about people that are nolonger with us. you can't explain to someone with dementia that their spouce/child died everytime they ask. especially if they think they are much younger than they are. as far as they are concerned the person is still alive and you have to maintain that or they become upset as though hearing the news for the first time, everytime. think of the time of day and what that perso would have been doing. it's not deception, it's damage control.

i don't know how it works over in the USA, but here in the UK we have care packages for those still living in their own homes. you could get in touch with social services and find a day centre for her to go to. they have techniques for helping with memory, and like you say, the drugs to help too. if she enjoyed crafts or art, ask her to help you out with a project and things like that. it helps make them feel valued. don't asume though that she can't do things, or get impatient and do it for her. you need to try and help her maintain as much independence as possible.

it's tough to see someone older that we love change and forget us.

needles

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RE: ideas needed- on dententia chat w gram - 5/13/2011 10:16:18 AM

peachgirl

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When I would visit with my grandmothers, they would always want to know what was happening in my life. We talked about people at my work, social life, etc. Like others have said, it's just that you are there. I don't think you should feel like you need to "entertain" her.

Some ideas for conversation: favorite places to go, favorite restaurants, things happening in the community.

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RE: ideas needed- on dententia chat w gram - 5/13/2011 1:20:49 PM

Rule

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Bring photographs of her grand old days. The Apollo Landings, President Kennedy, the church in her old town, movie star photographs. People she knew. People with dementia often remember some of these photographs and can talk about them.

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RE: ideas needed- on dententia chat w gram - 5/13/2011 1:34:02 PM

ChatteParfaitt

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Great idea, Rule. My grandma loved to look at old pics. She would talk about her past. I learned more about her in the last few months of her life than I ever did before. I found out that, like me, she loved to dance.

I know it's hard to see a loved one falling apart, but if you can see this as a special time you get to share, it may help.

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RE: ideas needed- on dententia chat w gram - 5/13/2011 3:58:09 PM

TreasureKY

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PA, stop by the public library and check out a coffee table book with lots of photographs of events she might remember from her lifetime. You'd be surprised at how enjoyable a time she'll have just looking at the photos and talking about what she sees. It doesn't even have to be historical... a photo books of dogs or cats (other other animals she might like), flowers, nature scenery, building architecture... anything like that.

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RE: ideas needed- on dententia chat w gram - 5/13/2011 5:21:47 PM

sunshinemiss

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There has been a lot of research showing music is helpful, also. Something about it touches on some part of the brain.... Play the old standards.

And, by the way, enjoy your time with her. Make sure you have support.

best,
sunshine

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