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stellauk -> RE: how an online relationship should work? (3/7/2011 1:25:51 PM)
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I don't have any issue with this concept, not at all.
Why not? Okay, so where does the dynamic in any relationship really exist? Is it not in the mind and heart of two people who are involved in a relationship?
I've checked, I don't run on Duracell batteries, I'm not affected by infrared signals or remote control devices. I don't go out of range when I'm 500 miles further down the road, I'm not a cellphone, I'm a human being, I have control of my mind, I assume everybody else does too.
If I'm in a relationship with someone I'm in a relationship with them period. Doesn't matter whether I'm with them physically in a room, asleep in another room, in another city, state or country, that relationship exists for as long as it exists as a concept in my mind and that of the other person.
The fact that I'm sitting by one computer and the other person is also by a computer doesn't make a difference, because it's just a means of communication, the same as a telephone line, writing someone a letter (does anybody still write letters to anyone else?) or meeting in the same place - call it dating if you like - none of these define the relationship. The relationship is defined by the two people involved, and it exists in their minds and hearts.
But here you meet two snags. The first is, is that you can't start a dynamic with just anybody. It needs to be someone you have a connection with, you accept as they accept you, someone you can communicate with, and someone you can trust, and it takes time to get to know someone to reach that stage.
There's a reason for this which I will come back to later if I may. It's tied to the second snag. I hope I'm not offending anyone here, but most people have difficulties with any sort of sustained communication online. The vast majority of people come here and things start online, and they hope that what starts online proceeds within a reasonable time frame to offline and real time.
It's really difficult to keep up the momentum and motivation in an online relationship for any sustained period of time, especially if there's no way of knowing how long it's going to last, whether it's ever going to get to offline or not, or anything with an unclear purpose or objective.
Human nature kicks in, we associate relationships with some degree of intimacy, and it is really difficult to share any sort of meaningful intimacy with someone online. In fact, I'd even suggest that it's easier to find opportunities for emotional and physical intimacy in a busy street or shopping mall, simply because you you are both in the same place. By intimacy here I mean the looks, the facial expressions, the little symbolic gestures, the squeeze of the hand, the holding of hands, the hugs, the kisses, the touches, the reactions and interactions which are non-verbal.
Sure, you can get intimate if you have speakers, mike, webcam and have Skype and IM installed, but it's not the same as being there together in the same place. You don't get to share in all those warm fuzzies that a typical relationship gives you. You have to use your imagination.
Furthermore most D/s dynamics, including service based ones, involve a certain degree of basic human intimacy. Even if you're just a menial domestic slave you are intimate with your Dominants, you are in their home, the most intimate, private place in their lives, you have access to their closets, cupboards, drawers, it's intimate.
Now if you were to take all the activities of WIITWD and write them down into two lists, one not requiring much intimacy, the second activities which require intimacy - which one would be longer? Have you ever tried to have a BDSM scene with yourself? Successfully?
So in theory yes, it is possible, I have no problems with it as a concept, but there's a lot of pros and cons and for most people and their relationship needs the cons by far outweigh the cons.
And while we're on the subject [soapbox] if you're thinking of an international LDR you need to multiply the time frames, costs, hassles and problems at least threefold. If you're an American crossing the Atlantic and coming to the UK and Europe is nothing like crossing two or three state lines. It's much more complicated. It's also not worth trying for such a relationship unless you are fully prepared to take the consequences and treat the other person as a priority, not an option. It cuts both ways of course, but it's a bit more than just a $1,000 round trip flight. [/soapbox]
I'm personally open to online as a start but I expect some real time objective and this is to be discussed in realistic terms at the start of the relationship. I've gone down this route a few times and it's worked out a couple of times but in the majority of cases it hasn't. I just got my fingers burned once too often and while in principle I'm open to it, I'm not going to shed any tears if it falls apart in the initial stages.
But a relationship that is purely online? Hmm, not for me, but you never know. There might be someone out there.
And does it have to be M/s? I admit I find this to be a tad unrealistic, given that it's hard to control anyone online (especially when you don't have the warm fuzzies or riding crop to dangle in front of them).
Have you thought about mentoring?
It's not for me but I accept that it's what's right for you. To me if you can conceive it, then it's possible... in theory. But as with everything else, it's the practice...
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