breaking up (Full Version)

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SweetEscravo -> breaking up (5/5/2006 12:20:05 PM)

My (ex-)dom told me yesterday that after a lot of thought he wants to just be friends with me.  However, he also told me that he still loves me just as much and in the same way as before.  He also told me that he will still be looking out for me, making sure I am sticking to my diet and such just like he did when he was my dom.  Maybe I am still in the denial stage, but I feel like maybe all this means that he and I will get back together. 

I am really not sure why this happened, although there were a few things I thought it possibly could be..

1.  He and I are going to different colleges, and will have some distence between us
2.  He told me I have been very picky and negitive about a lot of things recently
3.  He also said that he is no longer 100% sure about being in a 24/7 d/s relationship with anyone.  He is, however, like I said, still kind of acting as a dom towards me.

Maybe it is all these things, I really have no idea. 

I would really like some insight or advice on how to deal with this, how to talk to him about things, what might be going on, anything.

Thanks.



Kidless -> RE: breaking up (5/5/2006 12:21:37 PM)

He was happy then things changed,now he's not as happy but still cares.

Happens, chill out and wait.



kittensmailbox -> RE: breaking up (5/5/2006 12:25:26 PM)

As long as you give him the power over you, he will take it... It is up to you whether or not you want to be his "part time" sub...



meatcleaver -> RE: breaking up (5/5/2006 12:29:55 PM)

When someone tells you they love you as much as ever but just want to be friends they aren't being honest. If the guy loves you he'd stick with you.

People's feelings change and telling you that you've been negative lately just sounds like a rationalisation and throwing the blame on you but to me he is just trying to make things easier on himself.

You'd probably be better moving on, if you persuade him to stay with you, you are probably only putting the inevitable off and you'll end up being hurt even more down the road.



CrappyDom -> RE: breaking up (5/5/2006 12:30:01 PM)

I take it this is your first serious S&M relationship, correct? 

So he wants his cake (freedom, lack of responsiblity) and he wants to eat it too (get to control you).

Well you have to decide if you are okay with both the situation and with a person who lacks such clarity.

Not sure how you can be going to differnt colleges and have a 24/7 relationship (my definition of that is living together) but regardless, people (tops of whatever stripe) think having a D/s relationship means you don't have to put up with the normal emotional ups and downs, which for the most part is utter rubbish.   D/s relationships take FAR MORE work, not less than a vanilla relationship!

You are young, I think you did pretty well in this one, learn from it and move on.  Try and find some local groups to join, play the field, have some fun before getting into another intense relationship.



meatcleaver -> RE: breaking up (5/5/2006 12:42:21 PM)

Breaking up is tough and I think how you break up means whether you will take the good memories of the relationship with you or not. A good face to face break up with a frank talk is the hardest but I think in the long run that is how you will end up with good memories.

I was head over heals with my bete noir but the only memory I now have is how malicious her final trick on me was. I just see the relationship now as a complete waste of time but if she had done things with some integrity (crossing threads here), we probably both could have walked away with many fine memories.

I'd have a heart to heart with him and then make a decision to break.



caitlyn -> RE: breaking up (5/5/2006 12:44:29 PM)

It's very hard to give advice because we don't really know either of you ... and at any rate, it's not up to us to walk in your shoes. [;)]
 
I can tell you what I would do though ... I would tell him to get lost and go fuck himself ...in no particular order.
 
90% of the men our age serve the vital function of balancing out 90% of the player girls we hear so much about online. Sorry if that's brutal ... just being honest with how I feel.



BitaTruble -> RE: breaking up (5/5/2006 1:10:28 PM)

Well, it's a shame that he decided to go introspective and do a lot of thinking instead of a lot of speaking with you. I must say that Caitlyn has the same sort of 'break up' policy that I do. It's quick, clean and relatively painless allowing you to get on with your life without baggage or wonder. I'm a bit curious on how he is going to continue to look out for you, make sure you stick to a diet etc since he, himself, stripped away the very authority he had to do those things.

Do what you think you need to do, but do it with your eyes wide open. Breaking up is hard to do.. getting back together with someone who doesn't want to is near impossible. People might not want to accept rejection, but we don't usually have a choice in such matters.

Celeste






LuckyAlbatross -> RE: breaking up (5/5/2006 1:18:51 PM)

I find that the whole "helping you through the breakup" tends to make people hang onto hope rather than actually moving on with the next part of their lives.

This really should be between you both.  He's obviously confused and working to try and clarify things- that's not the best position for you to be in if you're counting on him.



SirKenin -> RE: breaking up (5/5/2006 1:30:02 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: meatcleaver

When someone tells you they love you as much as ever but just want to be friends they aren't being honest. If the guy loves you he'd stick with you.

People's feelings change and telling you that you've been negative lately just sounds like a rationalisation and throwing the blame on you but to me he is just trying to make things easier on himself.

You'd probably be better moving on, if you persuade him to stay with you, you are probably only putting the inevitable off and you'll end up being hurt even more down the road.


This post is completely misguided in My opinion.

I broke up with a sub a while ago and I love her as much as I ever did, even until this day.  I still love My wife, but we divorced several years ago.  I still look out for these people, I just do not want to be with them any more.  My life has changed, My interests have changed, but it is time to move on.

The reality, and the reason the post is misguided, is that true love never dies.  People change, but love will always remain, broken up or not.

I suspect that this person will not be back.  I would take them at their word and move on with your life, especially based on My own experiences.



caitlyn -> RE: breaking up (5/5/2006 2:14:31 PM)

Other people might be of the opinion that if you could leave them because your own interests change ... perhaps you sell your love a little too cheaply.[:D]



masterdeltafire -> RE: breaking up (5/5/2006 2:16:33 PM)

Sorry things are not going as planned on the engagement.   Being apart is hard, especially long distance.

But I agree, this is something the two of you are going to have to work out on own. 

Just talk with him.  College is frightening being away from home for the first time and on own. You two have a lot of chistory and love, if engaged.  If ins ame state on college, being apart a few days a week isn't going to totally kill things.  It will be hard yes, but if your love is strong, things should work out.

Good luck on things.



slavejali -> RE: breaking up (5/5/2006 2:29:07 PM)

sweet escravo.... I personally dont think that scenario is a good one. If he is no longer wanting to be your Dom, its kinda mean of him to say he still wants to look out for you etc...it keeps a tie there and doesnt let you fully let go of the relationship to move on....



MrDiscipline44 -> RE: breaking up (5/5/2006 5:35:58 PM)

I agree with the majority of posts here. Seems to me he is trying to keep you as a side option. In case he doesn't find someone to fill your place. You'll do better to move on.



truesub4u -> RE: breaking up (5/5/2006 5:42:34 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MrDiscipline44

I agree with the majority of posts here. Seems to me he is trying to keep you as a side option. In case he doesn't find someone to fill your place. You'll do better to move on.


Yep going with the consensus here.... I personally would tell him thank you but no thank you. And let it go.... being friends is all fine and dandy.... but the controlling part.... the looking out for things he did as your Dom... they're gone.. but that would be if I were the one dealing with this... and not you.



CreativeDominant -> RE: breaking up (5/5/2006 5:50:08 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: meatcleaver

When someone tells you they love you as much as ever but just want to be friends they aren't being honest. If the guy loves you he'd stick with you.


I agree with you. I've been there and done that: "I love you just as much, want you just as much...but my life here has stabilized now and, and, and this is where my family is...and this is where my job is (and they aren't going to lay me off now)...and, and...etc.

quote:

People's feelings change and telling you that you've been negative lately just sounds like a rationalisation and throwing the blame on you but to me he is just trying to make things easier on himself.

You'd probably be better moving on, if you persuade him to stay with you, you are probably only putting the inevitable off and you'll end up being hurt even more down the road.


Yeah...I agree with this too...sad to say.

You know, when I was new to all this, I believed in the "fantasy" that dominants were people who took their obligations seriously and that submissives meant what they said about "giving their all to you...now and forever". But I found out that some of my fellow dominants do take their obligations seriously...until they tire of the sub they are with or someone new/different/more eager/you give a reason comes along And I found out that some submissives love saying those things, especially after a dominant has told them that he/she loves them "cause it's just so romantic" and they mean them...until the hard times come...relocation or doing something they don't like to do even though it pleases their dominant to have it done.



MHOO314 -> RE: breaking up (5/5/2006 5:50:25 PM)

Ending is hard, things change or people realize that things don't or won't mesh--it doesn't mean caring necessarily stops---but I agree here--hard as it is, its on or off--and if its off--hard as it is, its time to move on and hope that it is a lesson for all.
 
 



CERCKL -> RE: breaking up (5/5/2006 6:46:41 PM)

quote:

Well, it's a shame that he decided to go introspective and do a lot of thinking instead of a lot of speaking with you.


This is something I have experienced a couple of times in quick sucession...though the first played out for about a decade...attempted to regain that communication and then was told after the decision had been given to me of our seperating...that she had found who she could get outside of herself and be honest with...she didn't say it outright but it was awhile before the verbalization of ending...


quote:

The reality, and the reason the post is misguided, is that true love never dies.  People change, but love will always remain, broken up or not.


I do agree with SirKenin also...even if the situation has not worked, people leave for their own paths for whatever reason...the love doesn't necessarily die right then...changes, evolves...but it still exists.

C



Wolf1020 -> RE: breaking up (5/5/2006 9:57:53 PM)

Sometimes two people just aren't made for each other even if they love each other.  Some are willing to tough it out and some aren't and there is nothing wrong with that.

This can be esspecialy true in the BDSM world.  Love them as you might, some masters and subs just aren't compatable to be Master/sub/slave for any thousands of possible combinations of reasons.  To those willing to tough it out more power to them, but there is nothing wrong with deciding the two of you simply aren't made for each other love or not.



LaMalinche -> RE: breaking up (5/5/2006 10:35:54 PM)

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.

-Neil Gaimen


I hope that you can let this go as quickly as possible.


Best,

LaMalinche




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