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If anyone can get me a number or link... - 2/28/2011 9:32:23 PM

CynthiaWVirginia

Posts: 1915
Joined: 2/28/2010
From: West Virginia, USA
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Last year, someone I know thought about going to some free parenting classes...to have his wife find a better way, instead of the family tradition of screaming. Unfortunately the wife refused to go.

Now it is make it or break it time, and he wants that number again but I cannot find it. I went here last year:
http://www.parentsanonymous.org/pahtml/progNet_p_AdultGroup.html
and to the bottom of that page for this clicky, entitled Find A Parents Anonymous Program In Your Area, and got this:
http://www.parentsanonymous.org/pahtml/progNet_p_findGroup.html

I typed in Florida (last year I found a group in Orlando, which is close to where they live). This time I wasn't so lucky and got this:
http://panetwork.parentsanonymous.org/asp/a2u/state.asp?state=FL
It says "The page cannot be displayed." Is this link broken, or is it just my old cranky computer? If anyone else can see that page with lists of groups in Florida, I would appreciate a copy and paste...pretty please with sugar on top. :)

He phoned tonight, wanting the information so his wife can get some help served up with an ultimatum...I would rather the entire family went. If anyone is better at getting this information for me, I would appreciate it. (I suck at finding things on the web.) He is not going to ask anyone else for help in this but me, so advising me to send him to the welfare department or the police station to ask for help there...would never happen. The kids are not physically abused, the father is. Not often. The daily verbal abuse is really spiraling out of control and the kids are learning to be just like their mother. She eggs them on to beat on him, and I have been visiting and watched.

This family needs some help and I feel Parents Anonymous with it's free parenting classes (including coping mechanisms with stress, support and guidance within a program) is a step in the right direction. He will never in a million years go to some battered man's shelter, but I am sure that Parents Anonymous will see the big picture and give them some help with that too.

They have already tried counseling through a church and it didn't help. At first I thought she should have to go through anger management, as my neighbor across the street had to...but I saw that it did my neighbor what seems like zero bit of good.

I really want to be able to contact that group in the Orlando area again. Thanks in advance.

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RE: If anyone can get me a number or link... - 2/28/2011 9:52:23 PM

Delilya

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I too get the page can not be displayed.

Good vibes for the family.

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RE: If anyone can get me a number or link... - 2/28/2011 9:56:55 PM

LadyPact

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You sort of already went where I was going to lead you. He may not be willing to go through utilizing the services that can be provided by the local shelter, but you could serve as the go between for getting help with the agencies in the area. They should have the number to every agency and non profit in the area. That includes things like parenting classes and anger management courses. You can obtain those numbers without having to give his name.

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RE: If anyone can get me a number or link... - 2/28/2011 11:11:07 PM

Masticator

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I sent you a message on the other side with some numbers and resources.

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RE: If anyone can get me a number or link... - 3/1/2011 4:09:58 AM

CynthiaWVirginia

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From: West Virginia, USA
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LadyPact, I contacted the shelter in my area of West Virginia, called SAFE (Stop Abusive Family Environments) and they were clueless about other shelters all over the USA. They told me that each one is a separate entity that does not keep track of each other.

If I look in some online directory, how would I find these shelters? Abuse Shelter? It is going to be horrible finding a free directory for Orlando phone numbers later today, after I've slept. A shelter might be better, as it doesn't have the blame attached to it like an organization called Parents Anonymous has.

***To all who answered***
Thank you for your time and for your help.

Delilya...thanks.

Masticator, I will chase down the leads you sent. Thank you.

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RE: If anyone can get me a number or link... - 3/1/2011 7:08:36 AM

LadyPact

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I should have provided you a little more detail. Yes, all shelters are independent from each other. The one you'll need to contact will be in Florida. You should be able to find a hot line number going through the page for domestic violence for the city. The number for them that I found was 1-800-500-1119 for DV. They should be able to resource you to programs.

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Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

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RE: If anyone can get me a number or link... - 3/1/2011 9:37:52 AM

Lockit

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Most communities have what is called a community resource book. This lists all the helping agencies, charities and helping services in the community. If you will look in your local phone book and go to the blue pages, you can find an agency/whatever that will have this book and they most often will assist by helping you find what you need. I found the agency that seemed most helpful was the senior citizens groups. Those blue pages are helpful in many ways and have been a great resource for me in the past.

I cannot find anything but this, for the Orlando/FL area for parents anonymous. The web site isn't working and that is a concern, but I found an address and phone number. http://www.manta.com/c/mmyz0ff/parents-anonymous-of-florida

Here is a link to parents anonymous for CA. I would think if you emailed them, they might have some information for you on whether there is anything in your area. http://www.parentsanonymous.org/

Here is a New Jersey group that has an online support. I can't tell if it is only for their members or anyone. http://www.pa-of-nj.org/NewPages2/GroupChat3.html

You said it is more the husband that is being abused, but I must disagree with this. Anyone yelling around the children become abusive to all around the person yelling. Yelling can do a lot of harm. The children are being abused. The environment of the home is abusive. Asking abuse victims what was the hardest part for them, many said that they would rather be hit than to be yelled at or emotionally messed with.

The way I have described what yelling is like or feels like is kind of gross, but it is effective. How would you feel if someone came up to you and vomited on you? You would feel grossed out, dirty, sickened maybe and awful. This is what anger can be related to. The angry person walks up and vomits on you. You feel awful. They vomit on you all the time... you feel awful all the time. I was going through a rough time and was angry and I used this to help myself get through it and not lash out unexpectedly or in frustration. I replaced the yelling with vomiting on them. Believe me, that is a turn off to even me. I don't want to vomit on people! Each time I felt like yelling, I pictured vomiting on them. It worked.

One of the hardest things for someone to admit is that they are abusive in anger. Because they don't hit or physically abuse someone, they don't see what they do as abusive and they don't wish to deal with it because they feel justified in what they are doing. Just like any addict, they will justify, excuse and lay blame on another. It is a serious problem, just as serious as any other. Trying to protect the abuser is often what those around them do. Trying to work it out is another thing they do and by the time people around them are ready to enforce something, someone has really been effected by it, whatever it is. If this is a learned and so far accepted way of functioning, there may need to be a break and most often what I have seen is that the person with the problem doesn't take ultimatums until they are actually acted upon. I will hope in this situation it doesn't have to take that, but sometimes for those that have been abused, it is the best course, so that they can get to a place where they feel safe... while someone works out their issues.

Good luck with this!

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RE: If anyone can get me a number or link... - 3/1/2011 9:59:30 AM

servantforuse

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If she wouldn't seek help a year ago, what makes you think she will do so now ? Unfortunately it sounds like local law enforcement will be involved sooner then later.

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RE: If anyone can get me a number or link... - 3/1/2011 10:01:42 AM

mnottertail

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I believe the OP has stated at the outset that this is an intervention and there will be some non-optional language bandied about in a take it or leave it rhetoric.

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RE: If anyone can get me a number or link... - 3/1/2011 1:04:41 PM

Outlier2

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In an announcement dated Feb 1, 2011 Parents Anonymous
started a National Helpline.

http://www.ucanchicago.org/site/epage/79902_682.htm

"On February 1, 2011, Parents Anonymous® launched the National Parent Helpline, providing immediate culturally and linguistically relevant support and guidance by trained professional advocates. The hotline can be reached Monday through Friday from 10:00am - 7:00pm Pacific Standard Time at 1-855-4A PARENT. The professional advocates will help parents resolve parenting issues; offer a caring, listening ear to reduce stress, and will empower parents with resources and a connection to a network of other parents experiencing similar struggles. It is Parents Anonymous'® goal for parents to find camaraderie and acceptance as they find solutions together."

Somebody at that number should be able to answer your questions.
I wish you the best of luck with difficult issue.

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RE: If anyone can get me a number or link... - 3/2/2011 2:43:12 AM

CynthiaWVirginia

Posts: 1915
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From: West Virginia, USA
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Thank you, LadyPact. I will phone that number after I've slept.

***
Thank you, Lockit. It is a rare person I've known in the past who will leave an abuser...and...people who are repeating the cycle they grew up with often do not see the problem for what it is, nor take responsibility for making changes. I can only present as many options as possible, in ways that are helpful instead of spreading blame. Parents Anonymous had meetings for kids as well, and it is my opinion that the children...are indeed learning what they live. I want a more peaceful life for all of them, instead of watching this train wreck for all of these years...happening exactly as I warned it would. This snowball is growing in speed and size as it gathers momentum, you know how that is. This family needs to learn a better way. All of them, not just the person who cannot hold her temper...and is so unhappy every day that it spews out into something very ugly. Her recent dental work, and problems with a root canal, have have made things worse.

I wish she could see this as vomiting on everyone and get some help...that is what I am trying to do, but unless the husband gets some support from others in his area (he is in Florida and I am in West Virginia now) he will just stay silent and maybe start working a third job to be away from home as much as is possible. If I were in Florida, I assure you that I would be a colossal pain in the arse and use our 25+ year long friendship to coughbullycough everyone into getting the help they need.

***
servantforuse...because she will have no choice but to seek help. This is my hope. As for law enforcement, the neighbors are used to all the screaming vitriol and since it is not in English...who can tell what is being said? The police stopped coming to tell them to keep it down years ago. He doesn't run out on the lawn when she is hitting him in the head with objects, and since he is afraid of losing his four kids he would never go to the police to complain. (Though he has in the past, back when they only had one kid, but it didn't do any good. A guy six feet tall getting knocked around by a little woman...they were probably laughing on their way back to the station.) Without witnesses, without a black eye and busted lip, who is going to believe anything.

Separation will not change the family dynamic; the children are learning to be abusers. He would rather try to seek help and support to help heal the entire family so he can have peace in his home.

***
Thank you, mnottertail. You are right, we are trying to do an intervention.

***
Thank you, Outlier2. That is the perfect quote to send to them...so he doesn't feel like he is betraying his entire family by risking getting some help. He needs to feel that he WILL get help. I doubt he will tell them about more than the verbal abuse though...but I'll bet the kids will talk about how mommy is to daddy and then this organization, and maybe some others, can teach this family a more healthy approach to dealing with anger, frustration, everything...as well as helping to define some new hard limits.

***
Thanks, all. I knew I could count on you information wise when I had trouble with that site.

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