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Mentoring - 2/23/2011 6:02:53 PM

kdsusa7894

Posts: 193
Joined: 12/19/2010
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First of all, I wasn't sure where to post this so feel free to move if needed:)
I have heard alot about mentoring for Dom/Master and sub/slave but yet I have also heard/read alot about the only "right" place/way to be is your own and your partners. Doesn't being mentored contradict this? By being mentored by someone aren't you learning what it is that person likes, accepts, thinks is correct, which is subjective depending on the person? Or is the purpose of the mentoring to understand more of what my limits/expectations are? Ex. I am being mentored by another submissive and that person is accepting of something I would not be. From all I have read on here MY type of submission may be everything or nothing like someone elses. I can understand it more on the Dominant/Master side due to the possiblity of physically hurting someone while punishing or playing with them.
Just a thought that has been bouncing around in my head. And if it's self-explanatory and I'm just not grasping it - remember, I'm still on the learning curve, lol.
Thanks!

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val To Aqua- Thanks!
Seduce my mind and you can have my body, find my soul and I'm yours forever...

Post #: 1

RE: Mentoring - 2/23/2011 6:08:00 PM

LillyBoPeep

Posts: 6873
Joined: 12/29/2010
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to me, a mentor is an experienced person, a confidant -- someone you can go to who will give you sound advice, rather than exercise an ulterior motive. picking a mentor can be just as complex as picking a long-term partner, because you have to have a serious level of trust and belief in that person. if you feel that you and your mentor don't see eye-to-eye, that's a problem -- a trombone player can't tutor a flautist, etc etc.
i have been sorta looking for a mentor, just because things this time around are different for me; i stumbled into my last relationship with no experience and no idea on anything, vs. now -- for myself, i'm pursuing M/s or O/p -- finding a mentor who didnt believe in those things wouldn't be a good idea at all. some contradictory opinions are fine, but if you have a deep fundamental rift, it probably won't be a helpful relationship.
so it's really important that your mentor is someone who has an idea of where you're coming from, and where you're trying to go.

(in reply to kdsusa7894)

Post #: 2

RE: Mentoring - 2/23/2011 6:50:00 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

First, let's get rid of this thing that folks seem to think what mentoring is about. It's not about finding someone that you want to be exactly like or for them to 'groom' you into the type of sub, Dom, slave, Master, whatever that they think you should be. It's more about finding someone with the skills that you would like to learn, someone to bounce your ideas off of, and have the opportunity to talk about experiences with. Yes, I do think that subs should mentor subs and Doms should mentor Doms. They can help to guide you to learning about what it is to be in a successful dynamic from what it's been like for them.

Yes, most folks when they are in a dynamic of their own will decide on their own particulars, but there are a lot of advantages to having folks teach some things before that time comes. Do you want to learn some things about service? Are you interested in protocol or leather care? How does a submissive deal with the emotions if they are considering entering a punishment dynamic? Wouldn't it be nice to have a friend in the lifestyle who can go to munches/events with you so you don't feel like you're entering the lion's den? Maybe just an ear if you are examining your motives about something like sub frenzy?

Do you know someone who you have observed their dynamic and associate them with having beauty in submission? That person might make a good mentor. The same if they have skills that you would like to acquire. Somebody who may have more experience than you do at this point and may be able to help you as you are looking for a dynamic of your own.

_____________________________

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Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

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(in reply to LillyBoPeep)

Post #: 3

RE: Mentoring - 2/23/2011 6:57:55 PM

Phoenixpower

Posts: 8098
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LillyBoPeep

to me, a mentor is an experienced person, a confidant -- someone you can go to who will give you sound advice, rather than exercise an ulterior motive.

quote:

It's not about finding someone that you want to be exactly like or for them to 'groom' you into the type of sub, Dom, slave, Master, whatever that they think you should be. It's more about finding someone with the skills that you would like to learn, someone to bounce your ideas off of, and have the opportunity to talk about experiences with.

What they said. Pretty soon after entering cm, I got in touch with a Dom who became unintentionally a sort of Mentor to me and we are still in touch since almost four years now... we have times where he gives me a lot of food for thought and times where he knows how to make me speechless or how to open my eyes what I am going into...it is a real blessing IMO to get such neutral unbiased advice where the person has no personal motive over you to gain whatever from your side, but just advices you when you desire advice (and sometimes when you dont

)

< Message edited by Phoenixpower -- 2/23/2011 7:00:24 PM >

_____________________________

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The PAST is history, the FUTURE a mystery, NOW is a gift - that's why it's called the PRESENT

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(in reply to LillyBoPeep)

Post #: 4

RE: Mentoring - 2/23/2011 7:08:49 PM

HisEvelyn

Posts: 252
Joined: 1/21/2010
Status: offline

Master had a mentor for years who he has immense respect for. This mentor has since passed on, but I know that Master still remains highly grateful to this man for teaching him technique, guiding him through hiso wn first attempts at BDSM, and bantering about philosophy. I would have loved to have had a chance to meet this man.

Also, when I first joined CM slightly more than a year ago, I was brand-new to BDSM in all its forms. Master encouraged me to come here in order to learn generalities and ideas from the community as a whole, and shortly after joining up, I ended up being inadvertently mentored a bit by a Dominant in Belgium through email. This man had his own slave and no ulterior motive with me, he was just a helpful, kind man. He was happy to answer questions I still felt strange about asking my own Master (sometimes that little extra anonymity can make it easier to broach a topic) and give me informed answers without a personal bias. I was very grateful to him for that. We fell out of contact, but I'll always remember him.

So I think mentoring can work wonders, if done well and honestly. In fact, my Master loves to help others and be a guiding light if he can, and is considering mentoring in the future. I'm actually excited about this, and about being able to serve him as the demonstration slave, lol. I know Master would keep me safe. :)

< Message edited by HisEvelyn -- 2/23/2011 7:10:13 PM >

(in reply to Phoenixpower)

Post #: 5

RE: Mentoring - 2/23/2011 7:10:09 PM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
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You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

I have been in touch with several people in the scene. I've gotten some past their inhibitions to get involved with the scene. I've gotten some intros to the scene. I am used as a sounding board by one. I've also been given advice on whipwork by a couple.

I assume that this all counts as mentoring.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to Phoenixpower)

Post #: 6

RE: Mentoring - 2/23/2011 7:11:56 PM

FukinTroll

Posts: 6277
Joined: 2/6/2007
From: Under a bridge
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

Inconceivable!

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(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 7

RE: Mentoring - 2/23/2011 7:20:09 PM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
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No.. or at least not when I do it. When I do such activities my goal is to help a couple find their own path, not to tell them mine. I do the best I can to expose them to as many different options, alternatives, and viewpoints as I can possibly manage and I encourage them regularly to sort through it all to find what fits for them, not for me and Carol.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to kdsusa7894)

Post #: 8

RE: Mentoring - 2/24/2011 4:55:00 AM

Palliata

Posts: 371
Joined: 8/9/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

First, let's get rid of this thing that folks seem to think what mentoring is about. It's not about finding someone that you want to be exactly like or for them to 'groom' you into the type of sub, Dom, slave, Master, whatever that they think you should be. It's more about finding someone with the skills that you would like to learn, someone to bounce your ideas off of, and have the opportunity to talk about experiences with. Yes, I do think that subs should mentor subs and Doms should mentor Doms. They can help to guide you to learning about what it is to be in a successful dynamic from what it's been like for them.

This. Entirely this. Learning skills and abilities from someone with experience is invaluable, and having someone whom you can approach with stupid questions and get honest advice is invaluable. It's no different from having a mentor in your chosen profession - you aren't going to BE that person at some point and this is the training period, you simply use them as a sounding board and they help you not fall into obvious pitfalls.

_____________________________

I speak not of The Way, but only My Way. Think it not an indictment of Your Way.

I'm male. I know it sounds female. Work with me.

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 9

RE: Mentoring - 2/24/2011 7:06:34 AM

LillyBoPeep

Posts: 6873
Joined: 12/29/2010
Status: offline

so very true
and sometimes the problem with a Dominant "mentor" when you're a submissive is that they aren't really mentoring you, but grooming you. they're teaching you what THEY like, and what THEY want, rather than just being objective and offering advice and reason.
it's important to know the difference.

(in reply to Palliata)

Post #: 10

RE: Mentoring - 2/24/2011 7:24:12 AM

CreativeDominant

Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline

I think Lady Pact hit the nail on the head with this paragraph..."First, let's get rid of this thing that folks seem to think what mentoring is about. It's not about finding someone that you want to be exactly like or for them to 'groom' you into the type of sub, Dom, slave, Master, whatever that they think you should be. It's more about finding someone with the skills that you would like to learn, someone to bounce your ideas off of, and have the opportunity to talk about experiences with. Yes, I do think that subs should mentor subs and Doms should mentor Doms. They can help to guide you to learning about what it is to be in a successful dynamic from what it's been like for them."

While I have had discussed some things with new submissives and have taught some people My beliefs, I have always made it clear that what I might think or like or want is NOT what another dominant might like. They might...or they might not. I make sure, when dealing with submissive friends, that I have specified the difference between generalities and what is specific to Me.

Still, the idea of entering into a ongoing mentoring relationship with a submissive holds a lot of peril. I'd rather it be on a more casual basis than ongoing.

(in reply to LillyBoPeep)

Post #: 11

RE: Mentoring - 2/24/2011 7:48:52 AM

Prinsexx

Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
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In my ubderstanding of the meaning of mentor it represents a psychological coach rather than a teacher of skills. Unlike a supervisory role mentoring my be from someone who, yes has more experience, but who approaches on an equal footing. There is no judgment passed in mentoring except where the mentor feels that there might be health and saftey issues involved and by this i mean psychological well-being. Rather than jugdement, which often involves a negative aspect, a mentor provides positive input.
I have been mentored by someone from the other side of the kneel but then I have to admit the person had moved from submissive to dominant and I trusted in that experience.
A mentor does not always come equipped with only positive experiences and mentoring is a system in place in many contexts not just that pertaining to bdsm; teaching, the prison services and counselling for example. It is often those life changing moments taken from let's say the negative experiences that have provided the best serviices.
Like any other relationship one girl's mentor is another girl's poison. It differs from what is known as protection but than again that's another thread. (All in my opinion and from my own experience).

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(in reply to kdsusa7894)

Post #: 12

RE: Mentoring - 2/24/2011 7:03:50 PM

ImaginativeWhims

Posts: 81
Joined: 2/8/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: FukinTroll

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

Inconceivable!

Beat to the punch yet again.

_____________________________

I am inflexible in my needs, reasonably flexible in my wants and stand absolutely firm on my dynamic. -FT

(in reply to FukinTroll)

Post #: 13

RE: Mentoring - 2/24/2011 8:53:04 PM

kdsusa7894

Posts: 193
Joined: 12/19/2010
Status: offline

Thanks to you all for your great answers - as is normal. One more misunderstanding explained well and with varying views, which in itself is an added bonus to me. I took the word literally and I should have looked beyond that. You have all made good points and thanks for taking the time to post and answer my questions. :)

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val To Aqua- Thanks!
Seduce my mind and you can have my body, find my soul and I'm yours forever...

(in reply to ImaginativeWhims)

Post #: 14

RE: Mentoring - 2/25/2011 4:23:10 AM

Buzzzz

Posts: 839
Joined: 11/28/2010
Status: offline

I have a mentor. She is a good friend and a mistress (my profile on fet is buzzhappyranger if someone wants to look and stuff)... She is the one that got me into the lifestyle. I will always remeber her . I do not talk to her very often , because she is very busy (like nobody else's busy!!).. But I know she is there.. She guides me, gives me her input on things when I ask.. I guess a little like the cool aunt when I was a kid or something like that. I have never played with her and only met her a couple of times but, like I said earlier, I know she is there for me . A good friend.

_____________________________

_"Here is something you should never do to anyone.And here is exactly how to do it to someone you care about". Flagg._

(in reply to kdsusa7894)

Post #: 15

RE: Mentoring - 2/25/2011 4:48:02 AM

RCdc

Posts: 8674
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ImaginativeWhims

quote:

ORIGINAL: FukinTroll

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

Inconceivable!

Beat to the punch yet again.

Ah... deliciously sadistic....

_____________________________

RC&dc

love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to ImaginativeWhims)

Post #: 16

RE: Mentoring - 2/25/2011 2:16:49 PM

newsubnokc

Posts: 13
Joined: 2/16/2011
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i too have wanted someone to mentor me, i guess every one has definitions of the word mentor. i am looking for someone that is willing to answer questions, discuss diffrent aspects of the lifestyle so that i can understand it better.

(in reply to RCdc)

Post #: 17

RE: Mentoring - 2/25/2011 4:16:42 PM

porcelaine

Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: kdsusa7894

I have heard alot about mentoring for Dom/Master and sub/slave but yet I have also heard/read alot about the only "right" place/way to be is your own and your partners. Doesn't being mentored contradict this?

Greetings,

Welcome to the world of BDSM where contradictions abound! There are many philosophies regarding the right methods one should take when engaging, seeking, and everything else that will fit under that umbrella. However, I don't adhere to most and assume I'm interacting with adults that are capable of making their own decisions. As such, I define truth as what's applicable for an individual's circumstances and don't believe that will always mirror mine. In terms of mentoring, I don't readily agree with it. I believe its become a crutch of sorts and an easy fix for those that are reluctant to do their homework.

I have mentored extensively in the past and always limited myself to individuals I was intimately acquainted with that were very committed to discovering their own truth. Mimicking me and embracing my ideologies is not the behavior I impart or desire emulated. I have never been formerly mentored, but had someone in my life that I referred to as my Mentor and Lady. We were very close friends and she took me under her wing after my previous owner and I parted ways. She offered a shoulder and a discerning ear when needed. I contemplated leaving the kneel altogether and decided to do the opposite - dismantle and rebuild from scratch. She was a part of that process and I'm eternally grateful for her input. However, the mechanics and architecture were hand crafted. I built this.

I don't believe mentoring is necessary for success in either role. I find those that invested the time and energy in self reflection are generally better served in the long run. There's an ethereal confidence one gains when you 'know' that is markedly different from what a third party states. Challenges don't seem so daunting when you have a reference point to draw from.

Namaste,

~porcelaine

_____________________________

His will; my fate.

(in reply to kdsusa7894)

Post #: 18

RE: Mentoring - 2/25/2011 4:53:49 PM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: newsubnokc

i too have wanted someone to mentor me, i guess every one has definitions of the word mentor. i am looking for someone that is willing to answer questions, discuss diffrent aspects of the lifestyle so that i can understand it better.

newsub, your profile states that you have a Master now. I would be very leery of mentoring a sub who is taken, because you should be working with him to get your bearings. If your mentor and your Master don't agree on something, what will you do?

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to newsubnokc)

Post #: 19

RE: Mentoring - 2/25/2011 5:10:35 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Also consider that just as you have more than one professor in a department, each with a different view on the subject, you can have more than one person to bounce ideas off of. One may be great at judging technical skills but not so great in relationship skills. Another can be the opposite. Nothing wrong in asking more than one trusted friend for their thoughts.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 20

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