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Should I try living a double life? - 2/15/2011 12:25:06 AM   
SAMHAIN09


Posts: 207
Joined: 11/8/2010
Status: offline 		I apologize if this doesn't belong here but this has been on my mind for a while. Okay I have been thinking about this ever since I started dabbling in the BDSM life style. I have considered having two separate lives my vanilla life you know my friends my family my co workers and separating it from my BDSM life(you know just keeping everything separate). But this has caused me to ask myself this question the reason I am even considering the double life thing is that most people might learn about the my lifestyle and grab their torches and pitch forks if you get my meaning.

So that being said if I choose to live a double life which side is the real me and does living a double life make me a fraud?" So my question is should I even attempt to live a double life?
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RE: Should I try living a double life? - 2/15/2011 12:29:01 AM   
hlen5


Posts: 5890
Joined: 3/2/2008
Status: offline 		Don't lie. Discovered lies are worse than someone indavertantly finding out about your kink. Don't tell people who don't need to know.

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RE: Should I try living a double life? - 2/15/2011 12:30:29 AM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
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Status: offline 		QFT.

if someone asks you flat out, dont lie.  Don't go into any more detail than necessary, but don't lie.

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RE: Should I try living a double life? - 2/15/2011 12:30:33 AM   
FukinTroll


Posts: 6277
Joined: 2/6/2007
From: Under a bridge
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SAMHAIN09

I apologize if this doesn't belong here but this has been on my mind for a while. Okay I have been thinking about this ever since I started dabbling in the BDSM life style. I have considered having two separate lives my vanilla life you know my friends my family my co workers and separating it from my BDSM life(you know just keeping everything separate). But this has caused me to ask myself this question the reason I am even considering the double life thing is that most people might learn about the my lifestyle and grab their torches and pitch forks if you get my meaning.

So that being said if I choose to live a double life which side is the real me and does living a double life make me a fraud?" So my question is should I even attempt to live a double life?


I am assuming the bolded part isn't your kink, right?

Ya know, unless you intend to flog the family pet I don't see how your nilla life is gonna get tripped up in your BDSM world. Just sayen.

YMMV


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RE: Should I try living a double life? - 2/15/2011 1:02:35 AM   
Prinsexx


Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SAMHAIN09

I apologize if this doesn't belong here but this has been on my mind for a while. Okay I have been thinking about this ever since I started dabbling in the BDSM life style. I have considered having two separate lives my vanilla life you know my friends my family my co workers and separating it from my BDSM life(you know just keeping everything separate). But this has caused me to ask myself this question the reason I am even considering the double life thing is that most people might learn about the my lifestyle and grab their torches and pitch forks if you get my meaning.

So that being said if I choose to live a double life which side is the real me and does living a double life make me a fraud?" So my question is should I even attempt to live a double life?

Almost every parent leads a double life: ine in the bedroom and one in front of the kids; almost everyone who has a job leads a double life: one in the office, one at home; almost every creative person has a double conscousness: one that creates and one that crosses the road. It's when for example you would like to think of yourself as let's say a thirty something slave willing to relocate but are actually a fifty year old man living at home with his mama and grabbing secret compiter time: now that's a double life!
If asked don't lie. But water finds a level and only those who are interested really want to know. So you are let's say gay, or want to change gender? Then don't lie. If yoou want to wear pink panties and be tied to the bed head then so what....doesn't every man these days?


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RE: Should I try living a double life? - 2/15/2011 1:52:14 AM   
oldbabyface


Posts: 56
Joined: 7/13/2010
From: West Midlands, UK
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quote:

ORIGINAL: SAMHAIN09
[..]does living a double life make me a fraud?


You only become a fraud when you delibrately attempt to portray yourself as something you are not. If you're not lying then you're not being a fraud.


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RE: Should I try living a double life? - 2/15/2011 3:35:04 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: SAMHAIN09

I apologize if this doesn't belong here but this has been on my mind for a while. Okay I have been thinking about this ever since I started dabbling in the BDSM life style. I have considered having two separate lives my vanilla life you know my friends my family my co workers and separating it from my BDSM life(you know just keeping everything separate). But this has caused me to ask myself this question the reason I am even considering the double life thing is that most people might learn about the my lifestyle and grab their torches and pitch forks if you get my meaning.

So that being said if I choose to live a double life which side is the real me and does living a double life make me a fraud?" So my question is should I even attempt to live a double life?



I don't understand the issue. My boss doesn't need to know how I structure my personal relationships, what sorts of activities they and I do together, who I am in the relationships with. Neither do my siblings, neices, nephews, cousins, aunts, uncles, or to some degree, my kids and certainly not my grands. What is the big drama?

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RE: Should I try living a double life? - 2/15/2011 4:05:53 AM   
DarkSteven


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Status: offline 		Why would your neighbors and coworkers know anything about your sex life?

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RE: Should I try living a double life? - 2/15/2011 4:19:08 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline 		Especially agrees with LaTigresse and DarkSteven - your sex life is private.

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RE: Should I try living a double life? - 2/15/2011 4:45:22 AM   
phoenixmoonn13


Posts: 398
Joined: 6/11/2010
Status: offline 		would they know what you got up to if it werent bdsm. the sme rules apply.

for me i live with master but no one knows the dynamics of our relatiosnhip they jsut think we are a normal loving couple a bit oldfashioned and that can give odd looks occasionally but they see it a quirky. but no one knows the truth and i am not about to outmyself on purpose there is no point if we didnt have the M/s dynamic no one would know what i got up to in bed either.

however if somone asked outright depeding on who that somone was i may tell them if its the parents the ex or daughter then no (well daughter if she finds herself int eh lifestyle and i find out then i will tell her) but she is way to young. if its a friend then i may tell them if asked but how mcuh i tell would depend also on teh situation and person. as for work hell would freeze over first and they wouldnt find out anyway. if one of the bosses worked out it was me through being on a forum well then he is in the lifestyle as well and probably also would want to keep it a secret.


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RE: Should I try living a double life? - 2/15/2011 5:16:52 AM   
ImaginativeWhims


Posts: 81
Joined: 2/8/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

Why would your neighbors and coworkers know anything about your sex life?


I can answer this one from experience:

The neighbors will stop calling the cops if you tell them the screaming isn't abuse, it's wild sex. It seems the more blunt you are after the first time the cops show up, the more likely the neighbors will leave you be.

*cough*

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RE: Should I try living a double life? - 2/15/2011 5:36:10 AM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline 		Your private life is no one's business and you should keep it private but I draw the line at lying. I don't give anyone obvious reasons to wonder about me so I don't get uncomfortable questions, if I did I'd answer them truthfully and without detail like other posters have said.

How does not putting your personal preferences out for everyone else to see make you a fraud? That doesn't even make sense. Do you tell the world every time you use the bathroom? Or masturbate? No...? Well then if you like your relationships to follow a certain path it's no one's business but your own.

People do overreact to some things, so in the end it's none of their business. My adult sons would think that my guy was horrible for 'beating' me and they'd want to do bad things to him, therefore I don't tell them how my relationship is structured. If they somehow asked or had questions I'd not lie and I'd take the time to answer in a thoughtful manner, but they have no idea what is going on with that part of my private life and it'll stay like that as much as I can help it.

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RE: Should I try living a double life? - 2/15/2011 5:42:19 AM   
Buzzzz


Posts: 839
Joined: 11/28/2010
Status: offline 		I agree with Dark Steven, again :) I live a "double life" because bdsm is considered illegal (some of the things we do anyway)...I don't have a problem telling people about certain things, and I also figured that a lot of them are too narrow minded to get any clue. So, it is better for them anyway ..

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RE: Should I try living a double life? - 2/15/2011 7:18:54 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		Last I knew, being private about personal issues was not exactly leading a, double life.

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RE: Should I try living a double life? - 2/15/2011 7:35:30 AM   
CreativeDominant


Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline 		You have a right to live your life the way you want to. Some people are very open about who they are and what they do and they seem to almost feel a need to tell people. But you find those types in all walks...straight, bisexual, gay. But...there are those who prefer to keep our personal lives just that...personal. For the most part, I have no idea what My patients are into. I do have a basic idea of their sexual identity, whether it be straight, bi or gay...but how that is expressed in their bedroom or behind the closed doors of their home is their knowledge, not mine.

While it can be damning...and damaging...to have your lifestyle find out (just ask some of My former patients what they think of My personal life), the only option is to hide that part of your life so thoroughly that even you are not sure you live it. Unless you choose to have a partner that feels the same way or one who will keep their mouth shut if things go south between the two of you or one who lives so far away that they cannot create a disruption for you if things go south, you run the risk of being "found out". But then, doesn't everyone face that risk to some extent?

I don't shout from the rooftops that I am a dominant male that likes to be the leader and "beat" My woman to bring us off. My kids know that their Dad is dominant, they know that he is a sexual person who did not give up that enjoyment just because they were around and they know that I prefer a "traditional" relationship over one of pandering "equality". And I dealt with the stuff they heard when their big-mouthed mother and I were getting divorced. But they know what they need to know and that is all they need to know. But I won't live like I am on a shelf so as not to disturb their little psyches and I won't be a sexless doll so that I do not upset My patients' "morals" but I am circumspect in that living.

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RE: Should I try living a double life? - 2/15/2011 7:39:51 AM   
came4U


Posts: 3572
Joined: 1/23/2007
From: London, Ontario
Status: offline 		Consider BDSM as your sex life and leave it at that.  No one need to know if your sex life is so-called 'normal', gay, asexual or kink.

Why even consider answering or displaying explanation if it ever comes up?

Maybe explaining such would give you some thrill for a bit because of the 'shock value', but eventually if you tell the wrong person the wrong thing you can and may lose a valuable friend, family or coworker.  Leave your private life out of anyone else's life, and no harm, no foul or distaste would come back to you. Or...do you need pats on the back?


< Message edited by came4U -- 2/15/2011 7:42:00 AM >

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RE: Should I try living a double life? - 2/15/2011 7:45:28 AM   
LillyBoPeep


Posts: 6873
Joined: 12/29/2010
Status: offline 		i think a lot of people keep the "vanilla" and kinky stuff somewhat separate. my relatives don't have any business knowing about this bit of my business.
you don't lie, because lying is generally bad, but you dont have to give out all kinds of information.
"where are you going tonight?"
--"oh to a party with some friends"
that generally suffices -- you don't have to say "i'm going to a play party to watch people beat on each other."

people have facets; your "vanilla" and kinky sides are both sides of the real you -- you're a whole thing, not a bunch of spare parts.
some of the friends i've found via kink have many similar non-kink interests, like art galleries or belly dance, or going to movies or whatever. my family met my late M, and friends/family have met my Top friend --- they just don't need to know the details.

that said, to me it's all "life," -- this is just how i like to conduct relationships and have sex/fun. being into kink doesn't mean you can't go to a restaurant in a regular suit anymore. =p but i also don't think that someone has to know AND accept every little detail of who i am in order to like/love me.

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RE: Should I try living a double life? - 2/15/2011 7:49:35 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse
I don't understand the issue. My boss doesn't need to know how I structure my personal relationships, what sorts of activities they and I do together, who I am in the relationships with. Neither do my siblings, neices, nephews, cousins, aunts, uncles, or to some degree, my kids and certainly not my grands. What is the big drama?

Exactly.

If you weren't kinky, would you feel the need to tell everyone else in your life what is going on in your bedroom?  If you didn't consider yourself kinky, would you have to make some kind of public statement about what kind of foreplay that you and your partner had before having sex and what position you chose?  Just how many people are in your life who are walking up to you and asking these questions?

There's a difference between being honest with people and telling them every intimate detail.  I'm 'out' to most folks, but that doesn't mean that I have to give a blow by blow recount of everything that I do.  When I deal with folks that aren't aware of what I do, I just say that I went to see a friend (play) or I'm having dinner with some people that I know (munch).  It's really not as complicated as some would like to make it out to be.


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RE: Should I try living a double life? - 2/15/2011 7:54:20 AM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline 		Quite honestly, my relationship dynamic hardly ever comes up.  I don't call him "Daddy" in front of my vanilla friends & family, but even when that's slipped out, no one really batted an eye over it.

They know I tend to be submissive in my intimate relationships.  Some of them know I like "kinky sex."  But that's it.  I don't have to tell them I need to ask permission first, when they invite me out - I know what he approves and what he doesn't approve of in advance.  If I have to ask, I'll say, "Let me check with some things first and I'll get back to you."

It's not living a double life.  It's being aware of what you are sharing and what you are choosing not to share.  I'm pretty discriminating when it comes down to sharing things that are personal and intimate to me.


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RE: Should I try living a double life? - 2/15/2011 8:26:03 AM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		It really confuses me how so many who are new to this stuff have difficulty with this issue. I have been kinky all my life and indulging with other people since before I was 20. That is about 30 yrs and you know what? My sex life only comes up with people I am having sex with, unless I deliberately bring it up with others... which I do a LOT, since I run some kink type groups. Oddly, my bringing it up does not cross over into other areas of my life. I don't mesh all my life together. I wonder if the idea of revealing has been influenced by the facebook syndrome of no privacy?

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