ETIQUETTE WORKSHOP

ETIQUETTE WORKSHOP (Full Version)

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Devilwoman2774 -> ETIQUETTE WORKSHOP (2/3/2011 6:52:32 AM)
Hiya ppls! I am researching a new workshop on etiquette: Real-time/life specific play, to come before negotiation <and here I thought negotiation was the beginning!>...it's mad how many shy and uncommunicative ppls are out there! How the heck do ppl get play if they don't open their mouths!!! So if you have the time - I can use examples and any instances ppls have had difficulties in communicating, with both tops&bottoms, and any other problems associated with initial contact - funny stories are nicer to teach with, but if you could ask any SM mates for examples of any etiquette fuck - ups, that would be very cool, and possibly help out a lot of freshies <new BDSM'ers> with real-time play. THANKS in advance!xx [image]local://upfiles/221503/A7E87B6A6CA146F3BC28AFEB240D083A.jpg[/image]

RCdc -> RE: ETIQUETTE WORKSHOP (2/3/2011 9:17:39 AM)
If you have good communication skills, then learning etiquette doesn't matter. If you have bad skills, or are too nervous or shy then etiquettes the last thing you want to be thinking of - it's just an added worry surely?

IronBear -> RE: ETIQUETTE WORKSHOP (2/3/2011 10:24:25 AM)
Hi DW, you sexy thang you. I'm protocol driven and etiquette bound by nature and by choice.. You know the protocols and etiquattes I refer to, so having said that, I find there is something both sweet and delicious when having some sub/slave bent over a bar in the stable or chair in the parlor and seeing the beauty before you so with out missing a breath, follow the correct etiquette and tell her you are taking a break because you wish to mount her and have your way before you resume the beating. Is this the sort of thing to which you refer?

LadyPact -> RE: ETIQUETTE WORKSHOP (2/3/2011 10:36:55 AM)
That's the first time I've heard the term "freshies" so I learned something today. I'm sorry but I don't have any funny stories to share. I'm not shy, so I'm not much help in that area, either. The no chance to play thing isn't Me. Instead, I'll offer you a couple of things that might be helpful. One is encourage folks to know what kind of protocol is in place for wherever they are going. There are high protocol and leather events out there, but most evenings out at clubs and such don't include that element. This eliminates the restrictions that some have in their minds about they can't approach certain people. Then you just have to deal with won't due to shyness. This second one should spark some discussion since most people probably don't agree with Me about it. Collars that are worn as fashion statements (meaning not really collared to anyone) have the potential of people being reluctant to approach someone. If I see a collar on someone at a club, I'm going to assume that they are in a dynamic as someone's submissive, and that means I'm not going to ask them to play. I'll skip approaching that person because I don't want to offend the Dominant that I think they have.

RCdc -> RE: ETIQUETTE WORKSHOP (2/3/2011 10:54:39 AM)
Greetings Lady Pact, regards as always I hope you don't mind me asking. You have spoken about 'protocols'... and specifically clubs. I just didn't get that from the OP? It felt more like she's asking experience on one on one negotiating? So... my question is... do you think that it would help people to be really aware that there is a difference, or do you think they are similar? I know I sound a bit confused. P.S. I think I quite like the term freshies...

Kreevillicious -> RE: ETIQUETTE WORKSHOP (2/3/2011 11:30:27 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact If I see a collar on someone at a club, I'm going to assume that they are in a dynamic as someone's submissive, and that means I'm not going to ask them to play. I'll skip approaching that person because I don't want to offend the Dominant that I think they have. I have to agree with you on this LP. Although I don't think a collar should make someone an unapproachable social pariah, I also don't think think it is within the realm of good etiquette to "hit on" or touch someone who is wearing a collar. Real life example: I went to a munch with a girlfriend so she could meet some people. We were both in street clothes, and I was wearing a tasteful collar. We were approached by many people, and freely chatted. One D type saw the collar and asked about it. He was informed that I was indeed a collared submissive. At that point he said, "That's a shame. Welcome to <insert city of choice> anyway." He then reached back under my hair and grabbed the lock on the collar. He apologized when he realized that the collar was "real", and moved on. Needless to say, we left shortly thereafter. Depending on the event, I think it is fine to socialize with people wearing collars. I also think it is fine to ask about the collar, as so many people wear them as fashion accessories now. If it is determined that someone is in a collared relationship, then use some common sense!

LadyPact -> RE: ETIQUETTE WORKSHOP (2/3/2011 11:47:07 AM)
I never mind you asking. I always enjoying talking to you. I'm looking at the situation from a broad spectrum of things. I was thinking the OP was talking about being in clubs or at events where the goal is to approach people to play. I was looking at it from a 'where are you' that you're with other people that play is a potential outcome. That could be anything from an after munch play party that's put on by a local group through attending a multiple day event where a dungeon has been set up. Over here, it's not terribly uncommon to have a higher percentage of folks that have higher protocols if attending a leather event. At times, that can be a person's first exposure to a play space because they don't have a public club where they live. Maybe I was off the mark, but the OP mentioned communicating before negotiation, so I thought it was more the angle of how do you approach people, get communication going, to even get to the process of discussing play.

IronBear -> RE: ETIQUETTE WORKSHOP (2/3/2011 12:03:12 PM)
G'day LP, I tend to be rather cautious about approaching some young thing wearing a collar. There are times when the collar wearer's attitude and posturewill indicate if the collar is nothing more than fashion wear (or part of the Goth movement). However, I will open a conversation by commenting about the collar and try to ascertain if there is an owner/Master/Mistress in the wings and if so my normal protocol is to ask that my regards be passed on (Unless I meet that Dominant). Conversely, I have rarely objected to any Dominant approaching my property provided as long as the collar is respected.

RCdc -> RE: ETIQUETTE WORKSHOP (2/3/2011 2:27:05 PM)
Thank you Lady Pact, you helped me look at the op and the subject in a different way.

hausboy -> RE: ETIQUETTE WORKSHOP (2/3/2011 8:09:05 PM)
OP: I don't know if this is what you're looking for, but it reminds me of a story. (okay, so EVERYTHING reminds me of a story. I'm a storyteller, what can I say....) There used to be a popular coffee and bakery in San Francisco, on Church Street just off Market...it was, unofficially, the official place where an astounding number of women would go to meet with prospective playmates prior to dungeon nights. I recall one particular night, I rode in on the backseat of my Mistress' motorcycle and we were about to discuss our plans for the upcoming Saturday night play party. In strolled another pair of leatherclad women, who nodded to us, sauntered into the next booth and began a rather intense dialogue. I could overhear them discussing likes and dislikes.....which activities were off-limits....and what gets them hot. It could not have been ten minutes later-- two more leatherdykes strut inside, order their coffee and cheesecake, and we could tell by their interaction that they were also negotiating out a scene. By the end of our coffee, more than half of the entire place was filled with women dressed in leather and denim. The place looked more like a vixen biker bar than a french pastry shop and cafe. That Saturday night was a fantastic play party--followed by another unofficial post-party tradition--'checking in." I always preferred to do this over a hot breakfast and coffee at a local gay-owned diner on Castro Street--I'd do a "check-in" with my top, to process anything from the night before, and ensure that we were both feeling okay and had enjoyed ourselves. I gingerly sat down on the booth side of the table where it was nicely cushioned--(clearly feeling the residual effects on my back and posterior from just hours before) and to my surprise, across the room sat one of the same pairs from the coffee house (and party), presumably engaging in the same dialogue as we were. We lifted our mugs in "cheers" to them--they did the same to us-- and as we were leaving, we couldn't help our laughter--we held the door open for two more couples we had seen at the dungeon the night before, as they were on their way in. Negotiation and after-play check-in were as important to me (still are) as the play itself. It was always done face-to-face, usually over coffee and a bite to eat-- and while negotiation didn't always lead to play all of the time, it usually lead to some great friendships. I miss this tradition very much. Today, it seems the majority of negotiations and check-ins occur over email....or texts...from the solitude of my home office. I miss the coffee....the smell of bacon and eggs frying.... and most of all, the sense of camaraderie and closeness that came from negotiation.

Devilwoman2774 -> RE: ETIQUETTE WORKSHOP (2/6/2011 7:20:28 AM)
heya guys, thanks for the imput! moremoremore please. I am writing from the teaching perspective that includes all styles, including individual style. I am trying to find a universal language that will help ppl communicate better what they actually realistically want/to try, with less flattery, suggestion and passive aggression etc etc BEFORE the negotiation can take place. The SIZING-UP period (lol - I might just use that) when you first choose to initiate<or NOT> visual AND vocal connection. for ex: When I see someone wearing a collar, and I want to talk to them because: a. I like the collar <manufacture> b. I think they are unique looking <and want to commend> c. I think they are hot and want to find out if they are owned to SIZE UP my chances <non-gambler LOL> d. They are new <publicly> and I am fucking nosy and wanna intro/expose them to the scene <I like talkin to the wierd quiet corner dwellers and post holders - hey there! Are you holding up that post? interesting kink! I haven't seen you before, where you been hiding out?> e. Any or all of the above... In a SM venue, I simply say "nice collar, are you owned" In a vanilla setting, " are you into BDSM" YES= "which one is your dominant" and go and intro myself to their owner, and SAY you like the collar for said reason/s. Ask if you can speak with their slv/sub to tell them such, despite what the slv/sub says is ok. It's human nature, and therefore natural and sometimes reflexive to see someone shadowing/staring/talking to your collared slv/sub<and Top in the opposite scenario of un-collared sub approaching the master> as a possible predatory threat, to own/be owned is to protect... so do try to form a relationship through the dominant of a collared slv/sub. This may also help in the opposite scenario. Many a poly household has jealousies between slv/subs, and for the new bottom, if known, talk to the collared bottom <if allowed - jeez it's gettin tricky> about their master, and ask which way is a good way to approach them. may be better received - especially if a successful long-term relationship is to be developed with that bottom lol. NEVER ever touch another person without asking if you are allowed to touch FIRST <this does not mean positioning your grabbing hands 2 inches above the proposed area at the same time!!!>. If you see outward, real-life discomfort in the face of the slv/sub/dominant at any proposal you make, discontinue promptly and do not tease that it may become a possibility in future. Their owner may well be a sadist and happy to continue or let you continue - but the ethical dilema sets in - just because you have been given permission, DOES NOT mean you need to take it <sadists, please dis-regard>...the same goes for new dominants - just because an experienced, well known blah blah dominant asks you to touch/display/play/whatever - DOES NOT mean that you must say yes. When a slv/sub is owned you must ask permission of the owner to touch ANYTHING - if they say YES, this may not mean that you have been given permission to touch the collar - wait - or even better, ask if the dominant would mind/rather showing it to you. You might want to consider if the owner is poly before ASKING to touch anything, and if you are stupid enough to step on toes even when you can tread more lightly - ASK THE BLOODY INDIVIDUAL you are considering touching first before you go ahead and do it... and if you go ahead and just do it, because you think that's what dominants do - then you really, really DO need a kick up the butt with this shit-arse boring subject on basic communication...go read up on body language before you open your mouth - your odds will improve. If you find yourself 'acting' too much when communicating, then get some pro advice. Try asking the D/slv/sub if they are into any specific style of BDSM, old guard, gorean, and admit you are ignorant <if you are> and if you are really keen <or just wanting to be more intelligent/understanding for free> do some bloody RESEARCH on the subject before expecting a stranger to give you a complete rundown of the history up to this date, whilst at a play party where they are most probably on an agenda other than yours<though you may get lucky and grab some immediate time - just don't monopolize their night unless you are all on fire like long lost friends & lovers, otherwise you can close yourself off from other interactions that may be just as stimulating - ... no research shows extreme laziness <the opposite of good relationships>, so educate yourself before expecting others to educate you - it may mean the difference between play and wanking home alone<not saying that's not fun in itself lol> blah blah blah THAT"S ENOUGH!!! pain in the fucking arse just took me better half of an hour to write <but I am sure as hell copy and pasting the bugger!!!> I am sure there are typos etc blah and NO IT's NOT the final - just off the top of my head - so no editing yet please JUST MORE IMPUT PRETTY PLEASE THATS IT! I am calling this workshop: "the IMPOSSIBLE workshop" lol a.k.a. "the evolution of ego" how about: "how to pick up if you are an antisocial arsehole" damn...this workshop is sure gonna be different I CAN SEE IT! It's going to be a 3-piece stand up comedy, walking through every stupid scenario we can think of to do - and NOT to do...that is the question... yup, that's the platform - it's gunna be easier to SHOW ppl this topic thaan speak on it, any yay for hecklers! So heckle away please LOL A slave enters a bar, and the Dom @ the bar says: ? at least it's gunna be fun! xx thanks guys!

Devilwoman2774 -> RE: ETIQUETTE WORKSHOP (2/6/2011 7:25:13 AM)
yup, something like that, NOT! love ya Iron Bear - you crack me!

Devilwoman2774 -> RE: ETIQUETTE WORKSHOP (2/6/2011 7:32:54 AM)
and I am really disliking this vanilla ice cream cone attached to my posts - help! <sadists!>

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