The first thing to do is to understand, deep down inside, that it's possible to do these things and still be a good person. While some of these things may superficially resemble abuse, there's an important difference; unlike an abuser, you are doing these things because you both enjoy them, and you're doing them in a way that is safe, consensual, and respectful of her limits and desires.
One way to think about it is that you're playing a role. A person who plays a villain on TV is not actually a villain; and if you and your partner play out roles for your mutual enjoyment, it doesn't mean you're being abusive. You and your partner can play out roles in which you are harsh and demanding and she is your sex slave, and this does not mean that you actually believe women should be subordinate to men.

The kind of guy who enjoys exploring with his partner and pleasing his partner, of course!
More than that, though; by exploring your fantasies and your partner's fantasies, you create a deep intimacy that's hard to beat. This kind of exploration, and sharing of fantasies and sexual feelings, helps form a bond of intimacy and trust that's at once more romantic and more passionate than you may believe.
And the pleasure to be gained simply from seeing your partner eager to service you and submit to your desires shouldn't be discounted, either...
To do this, though, you may need to unlearn some things about what "nice guys" do and feel. "Nice guy syndrome" can sometimes prevent you from being able to really focus on your partner, and see what she wants; you may see social proconceptions of who "women are" or what "women want" instead. Women are individuals; focus on what the woman you're with wants rather than what "women want."
In extreme cases, "nice guy syndrome" can make you feel uncomfortable seeing your partner as a sexual being at all. But human beings are sexual beings, and it's hard to imagine anyone who doesn't want to be seen as sexually attractive by her mate; seeing your partner in a sexual light is not only healthy, it's an important part of any sexual relationship!

As with most things, you begin simply. Sex in general and BDSM in particular are learned skills; like all learned skills, you learn by doing. Start slow, learn what you and your partner like and don't like, and elaborate on the things you learn as you go along.
The best way to get started exploring BDSM is by talking to your partner. Discuss your fantasies and her fantasies; don't worry about whether or not those fantasies are things you would really explore or not, or even if they're things that are plausible or feasible. You're just talking about the things that turn you on, no matter how outlandish or how kinky they may be. Don't be timid, embarrassed, or ashamed, even of fantasies that seem extreme or frightening; these are fantasies, after all, not reality. Even extreme fantasies that you would never consider doing in real life can provide ideas or suggestions about places to explore, or things that turn you on!
Let's say, for example, that your partner has fantasies about being tied up and molested. You can start to explore by trying some light bondage or restraint; no need to go all-out, just start by holding her down or tying her arms with ordinary rope. If things go well, you may discover that you want to go farther next time, or you may come up with new ideas to try. And who knows? You may just find that it really turns you on...
At this point, it's probably worthwhile to discuss a few general guidelines as you start exploring this stuff. Some things to remember:

- Don't feel that you have to try everything all at once. Don't do too much, too fast. You have plenty of time! You're exploring what turns you on, what turns your partner on, and what you can create together; it's far better to end a scene thinking you could have gone farther than ending a scene thinking you've gone too far!
- Talk to your partner after you're done, espeically when you've tried something new. Spend some time talking about how you felt, how she felt, what turned you on, and what things you might want to explore later. Remember, whenever you try anything new, you will sometimes find things that you or your partner respond to in ways you didn't expect. You may even find that something you thought you'd like, or something she thought she'd like, triggers a negative reaction that you didn't anticipate. There's nothing wrong with that; you're exploring. By definition, when you explore, you don't always know what you'll find! If you discover something that you don't like, or that didn't go the way you expected, it's okay; you've learned from it, and now you have greater knowledge about how to please yourself and your partner.
- There's nothing wrong with taking pleasure from dominating your partner. If you find that you respond to taking charge in the bedroom, and your partner responds to being dominated, great! You're both happy; enjoy yourselves! Besides, it's much more fun to submit to a person who enjoys being dominant. It works both ways; you can take pleasure from pleasing your partner, and she can take pleasure from pleasing you.
- The greatest asset you have is a sense of self-confidence. It doesn't matter if you don't think you know what you're doing, or if things don't always go the way you wanted them to; it doesn't matter if you're uncertain about something you're trying. All this is normal. What does matter is that you project an air of confidence and control; just this alone can get you through a number of problems. You forget something? Something not working right? Smile and keep going anyway; chances are, she'll never even notice. Remember, you're playing a role; project confidence even if you don't feel it, and you'll do okay.
- Keep your eyes open and your common sense sharp. The best single safety tool you have is your common sense. Watch for problems; don't leave someone tied up unattended, don't try devices or gadgets on your partner if you don't have a sense of how they feel yourself.

Ah, that's a bit tricky. Things are not always what they seem; there's a big difference between erotic pain and ordinary, garden-variety pain. The experience of pain in an erotic context, for someone who's wired that way, is nothing like what you may imagine; it's an incredible rush, that adds a powerful spice to sexual pleasure. Think of it like spice in chili; you might not like taking a bite out of a hot pepper, but in the right amount, it makes the chili a whole lot better...
Even things that look extreme, such as flogging or whipping, can be deceptive. These things don't feel like you imagine they do, and in the right environment with the right warmup, they're wonderful. And once your partner's endorphins, the natural painkilling chemicals produced in the brain, get going, it's the most intense, delightful high you can ever believe.
Of course, pain play is something you want to explore slowly. You don't jump right into it; ittakes time and practice to learn where your partner's limits are, and how your partner responds to things like spanking. But don't be so afraid of anything that looks painful--your partner is less fragile than you might think, and in the right setting, pain is both a powerful aphrodesiac and a tremendously pleasureable high. Pay attention, go slow, and you're not going to hurt her. As with many aspects of BDSM, pain is not always what it seems...
You can get a bit of my own perspective on pain play, if you'd like, here.

Humiliation play, like pain play, is another of those things that's not what it looks like from the outside. In a sense, it's the emotional equivalent of pain play; and like pain play, it's all about context. In the right setting, under the right circumstance, with the right person, it can for some people be an intense, white-hot turn-on; and as with much of BDSM play, it's helpful to think about it as playing a role.
Remember, this is something you do because it's something your partner wants. You can, during a BDSM scene, call your partner a dirty, filthy whore, and it doesn't mean that's really how you see her; you're in a role, and you're doing it because it's a turn-on. Outside of that role, you may think your lover is the most exquisite woman ever to walk the face of the earth; the things you do during a scene are not the whole of how you see her in your ordinary, day-to-day life!
And there's nothing wrong with enjoying erotic humiliation, if your partner enjoys it. It doesn't make you a bad person; it doesn't mean you want to degrade women; it means you take pleasure in creating an environment that's arousing and exciting.
This kind of play may seem silly, or awkward, or both, when you first start experimenting with it. You may find it's difficult to say and do things which humiliate your partner, and it might feel forced or contrived. That's a normal part of playing any unfamiliar role. This sort of play, like any skill, becomes easier and more natural with practice.
Don't worry about it becoming something that changes the way you think about women in the real world; like pain play, humiliation play is contextual both for your partner and for you. It's not going to suddenly make you into an insensitive clod. The difference in mindset between exploring humiliation play with a lover and actually believing that women deserve to be degraded is as great as the difference between playing a hit man in a movie and actually being a hit man.

Here are some ideas to start with:
- If you want to explore bondage, the easiest way to do this is with plain old cotton or nylon rope. Nylon stockings and silk scarves can cause problems, because they tend to bunch and be difficult to untie. You can tie your partner to the bed, to a chair, or simply bind her hands behind her back. Once you have her bound, you can go in a number of different directions. For example, you can kneel over her and tell her to service you with her mouth, or you can penetrate her and have sex with her. Or, you might try sensation play, running your hands or ice cubes or soft cloth or things like that over her body. Blindfolding her can make these sensations more intense. You can add a little bit of light pain play to the mix by pinching, pulling, or twisting her nipples, running your fingernails over her skin, and thinngs like that. Biting her, teasing her with tongue or fingers, and that sort of thing can be a lot of fun too.
- For introductory pain play, spanking, pinching, and biting can be good ways to begin. You might bend her over your lap, or--for a bit more fun--tie her down bent over the bed. You can combine this with roleplaying if you like; perhaps she's a naughty student and you're the disciplining teacher, for example. You can spank her with your hands, a paddle, or even a wooden spoon. Start with light, rapid strokes, and gradually increase the force until you find her limit. Remember, if you start light and build up gradually, you can get those endorphins going, which is exciting and intoxicating!
- Humiliation play can be verbal, or can involve things you do to her, or things you order her to do, or some combination of all three. For example, you can order her to kneel in front of you and give you oral sex while you tell her she's a filthy slut, or you can order her to call herself a slut or beg for sex while you tease her with your fingers and tongue, or you can kneel over her as she lies on her back and tell her to stroke you in her hands until you ejaculate over her body.
- Give her instructions to do things that excite or arouse you. For example, if you enjoy watching her masturbate (and who doesn't?), tell her to touch herself while you watch. You can be as detailed as you want, instructing her how and where to touch herself, and how hard, and how fast, and in what way; you may even enjoy instructing her to moan and sigh as she does. Or, take a different approach. Take her out to dinner, but give her detailed instructions about what she is to wear. Have her wear something that makes her easily accessible--a skirt with no panties, for example. Throughout dinner, keep her aroused by dropping hints about how you can't wait to get her home, and how she's so sexy that you're planning to have your way with her; then, when you get home, bend her over, hoist up her skirt, and take her!
- Surprise her. Mix things up. If you're exploring dominance and submission, try calling her at work one day and telling her to remove her panties, or go into the restroom and touch herself. Or, send her a text message on her phone telling her that you have plans for her and you're going to tie her up when she gets home. If she's at home when you're at work, send her an email with a list of things to do to arouse herself so that she's in the proper state of mind when you get home. If you've been talking about trying something new, create a scene where you're doing something you've done before, then add it in! Or, buy a new toy without telling her, and introduce it into your scene.
- If you run out of ideas, try doing things you've done before, but in a new way or with a new element, or combined with other things you've done. If you enjoy watching her masturbate, try adding a blindfold and telling her to touch herself. Or, make her touch herself as she watches herself in a mirror. Or make her describe how she feels out loud as she masturbates. If you enjoy having her give you oral sex, try tying her hands behind her back and then having her kneel in front of you. The possibilities for combining even simple, basic ideas in novel ways are endless; by doing this, you can keep things new and exciting all the time.

Trickier than it sounds. There's more to being a dom than telling people what to do. There's a lot more to it than telling people what to do. Anyone can do that; it no more makes you a dom than owning a border collie makes you a shepherd.

Actually, no. It's more complicated than that. Context is important; being a dom is not about being bossy, and nobody gets to tell everyone what to do all the time. In fact, it's not even about telling all the subs what to do all the time.
The very first mistake novice doms are likely to make is in believing that D/s relationship dynamics are simple. You're a dom; you see someone who is a sub; as a dom, your rightful place is telling that sub what to do, and as a sub, that person owes you respect, right?
Wrong. For starters, if you want respect, you have to do more than say "I'm a dom, worship me!" In fact, saying "I'm a dom, worship me!" is a good way to get ridiculed and laughed at by anyone who has any experience in real D/s relationships.
What many novice doms miss is that a D/s relationship is a relationship. Even if it's temporary, even if it happens only at something like a play party, a relationship exists between the dominant and the submissive because both people have made that choice. Believing that you can tell a submissive what to do before you have established some sort of relationship which gives you that authority is a bit like believing that any man can tell any woman to have sex with him, because, after all, men have sex with women, right?
Men have sex with women, and doms tell subs what to do--but not all the time, and not by default. Do not assume for even half a second that simply being a dom grants you any authority or presumption of power over someone who is a submissive; this is as foolish and misguided as assuming that being a man grants you any presumption of sex over someone who is a woman.

Perhaps. But that does not mean that any particular submissive wants to submit to you. Assuming that someone wants to submit to you simply because that person is "submissive" is exactly like assuming that a heterosexual woman would want to have sex with you simply because you're a heterosexual man (or vice versa).

No, respect--even in the BDSM community--is earned. Believing that you're entitled to it simply by virtue of the fact that you call yourself a "dom" is a sure-fire way to be labelled a wannabe.
And the worst, most patently offensive way to do this is to meet a person for the first time, find out that person is a submissive, and then say "Worship me!"
Submissives, like all people, are human beings. Whenever you deal with human beings, before you've established any kind of context or relationship, you will find that you have the best success if you treat them as people. Funny thing, that; people like being treated as people, especially by strangers--launching straight into a D/s relationship with someone you've only just met is premature, and assuming that anyone who self-identifies as "submissive" owes anything to every person who self-identifies as "dominant" is offensive.
And a big turn-off. The people you see who have all the subs, the ones you run into in the BDSM community and at play parties who are successful at finding and keeping partners, the ones who other people naturally seem to defer to? They have those partners and they have that respect because they understand that you treat everyone--including submissives--with respect until you've established a relationship that lets you assume the dominant role.

Again, it's about context. That person might very well want to be dominated, and might even want to be dominated by you, maybe--but until you find out what that person wants, don't make assumptions. And especially, don't make assumptions about what that person wants or needs, or how that person "should" interact with you.
When someone discovers an interest in BDSM, it can be easy to slip into a fantasy-fulfillment mindset. You have ideas about how you would like to be and what kinds of things you'd like to explore, you have fantasies, you have things you really want to do--so it may be tempting to slot every submissive you encounter into your own fantasies. When you stop relating to people as people and start relating to them as fantasy-fulfillment objects, you can expect to have problems.

Online forums are very different from real-life forums. Online forums are more fantasy-oriented; in many cases, the submissive you're talking to is seeing you as nothing more than a fantasy-fulfillment object, you're seeing that submissive as a fantasy-fulfillment object, and you get along fine.
But even in online forums it can be very presumptuous to assume a power relationship that has not been established. Start a conversation with someone who identifies as "submissive" with "On your knees and worship me!" and you might just come across as an insensitive poseur, or worse.
Power exchange relationships are relationships. Don't assume that someone has granted you power just because you're a dominant and that person is a submissive.

Nope, that does not necessarily follow. You do not automatically get power by being a dom; a submissive grants you that power. It's not yours by right. This is one of the basic cornerstones of consent--a submissive gives you power by consent, not by the simple virtue of being a submissive.
Not every submissive wants the same things. Not every submissive interacts with a dominant in the same way. A wise and psychologically healthy submissive does not submit indescriminately to everyone who calls himself or herself a "dom." It is up to someone to choose to give you power, not up to you to take it.
And you're not likely to get it if you walk around demanding that every submissive you see worships you. Nobody has an entitlement to that kind of automatic submission, Your Worshipfulness!
First, get to know that person, even if briefly. Then, mutually decide whether and what kind of power relationship you have. Then, and only then, can you start with the giving orders.
Seriously. You don't get to call the shots to every submissive who talks to you, and you don't get to assume that every submissive who talks to you is submissive to you.

The next part to understand is that, as a dominant, it's not your job to do whatever you want. It's your job to do whatever you want within the bounds of basic common sense and the limits negotiated with your partner. Now, "basic common sense" is subjective and contextual, and changes with your degree of acceptable risk, your experience, and so on, but regardless of all that, a lot of the stuff you read about in bad S&M fiction? Way outside anyone's definition of "basic common sense." Ordering your newfound submissive to have unprotected sex with a pub full of strangers? Not basic common sense. Digging that eight-foot bullwhip you've never actually used from the back of your closet, and trying it out on a person who's never experienced any form of pain play before? Not basic common sense. Dragging your new partner home and leaving your new partner tied to your bed for three days? Not basic common sense.
Even within the realm of basic common sense, it's important to understand that it isn't all about you.

Um...no.
At least, not if you want to keep a submissive. The relationship works for both of you, or it works for nobody. You see, submissives are submissive because they get something from the experience, too--and they have things they want to do, things they want to explore. Ignore the fact that you need to create a positive experience for the submissive, and don't be surprised when the submissive leaves and finds a different dominant. Ignore a submissive's limits, and carelessly or maliciously cause permanent damage, and don't be surprised when the submissive files charges.
Any D/s relationship between two (or more) people is a relationship first and a D/s relationship second. As with all relationships, there is a need for mutual reciprocity in the relationship; everyone involved must feel that the relationship meets their needs.
And if you do start a D/s relationship with a submissive, remember that it's your responsibility to pay close attention to the submissive. When you're engaged in some BDSM activity, make a point of being conscious at all times about how your submissive is responding to what you're doing. Don't get so carried away that you stop paying attention to the experience from the submissive's point of view; remember, you only get to play again if you do a good job the first time around!

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LoganStrange

No, respect--even in the BDSM community--is earned.

quote:

And a big turn-off. The people you see who have all the subs, the ones you run into in the BDSM community and at play parties who are successful at finding and keeping partners, the ones who other people naturally seem to defer to? They have those partners and they have that respect because they understand that you treat everyone--including submissives--with respect until you've established a relationship that lets you assume the dominant role.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LoganStrange

Not my rant but it was so well done, I wanted to share, perhaps it has been seen here before, if not, enjoy!
(again, not everything is my opinion, not my rant, but felt worth sharing)

quote:

ORIGINAL: CreoleCook

quote:

ORIGINAL: LoganStrange

No, respect--even in the BDSM community--is earned.

This is the ONLY line in the whole article I have issues with.  Otherwise it was well written, and kind of like BDSM for dummies... explained to the point of understanding by a 12 year old, which is handy is some cases. 

Everyone has their own opinions on the topic of respect, but I do not believe respect is earned.  I respect everyone the same, whether male, female, dom, sub, top, bottom, wealthy, poor, white, black, blue, green, or purple.  One must earn my disrespect.
 
my two cents.
CC

quote:

ORIGINAL: Termyn8or

I think a couple people are having a problem with the definition of respect.

When you first meet someone you are pretty much on equal footing, actually disrespect as well as respect is earned. That is simply another person, no more, and particularly, NO LESS. Do you allow this person into your home, your bedroom, your circle of friends, indeed into your LIFE ?

Buddy of mine, just too hung up on something, can't talk to good looking Women. Too shy. I tried to tell him "Think of her as a totally ditsy bimbo, at least in the beginning. Of course that does not mean to treat her as such, control yourself. She has no more rights, power or authority than you, don't worry about it and if she doesn't like you, that is her choice, but if you never break the ice you'll never know". They want it just as much as we do.

Now this is to overcome his shortcomings in the brain department, not hers. I never said to disrespect anyone, but then some people just don't get it. Shyness is a form of inferiority complex and should be overcome if one is to find any joy in life.

There was a time I wouldn't reveal any of my kinks to anyone, and I mean anyone. I changed my mind, and only made one mistake, resulting in one person being referred to as "Looselips". But before then all holed up or "in the closet" I was miserable.

I only have one corporeal life to live dammit.

Who among the "vanilla" people do not do something they would not normally do for their partner ? If she wants to be smacked on the ass and called bitch or slut, you should be honored to be the one to do it. Nobody else (hopefully).

There are two things about me that suit me pretty well to this. First of all I have large hands and can deliver a world class slap without a whip or a flogger. Don't ask me to slap you in the face though, I am highly reluctant to do so. Believe me it'll hurt, and it might just be a bit too much force for the cheeks (umm, the upper ones). I'll do it, but I am not crazy about it. When I was young we sparred alot, doing what we called slap boxing and I got pretty good.

I am also not too crazy about the name calling, but I'll do it if it pleases someone I want to please. I will learn and adapt to the best of my ability, and I expect the same. If I am to be dominant, the well being of my sub is of utmost importance. There is a poster on LMU who put it quite well, and he isn't even kinky. He said "respect from the top down". As much as he and I differ, I can see the point.

The experience is different for everyone too, for one I am a switch. When I put the nice leather cuff around your wrist on the four poster, first I'll caress it and hold it, then once restrained I'll hold your hand for a moment, and then pull it away from your reach. I might linger nearby before going on to attach your other cuff. Yes your cuff, even though I bought it, when you wear it it is yours, but then what it restrains (you) is mine.

I think there is an inherent, though small, component of bondage that is dehumanization. Of course there is alot of dehumanization going on in the world and those of us who are into it just figure it is part of the deal, or actually want it. No matter how dehumanized you want to be, I would never "damage" you. It would be like wrecking my car on purpose or something. Now that's about as dehuman as it gets, but I assure you that is not what's in my mind.

Some people see this component of dehumanization, no matter how small, as an extremely evil and nasty thing. Some of them deny it in themselves and lose out on a form of fulfillment that would be so exquisite because of what is referred to as a hangup.

Sins of the flesh are not sins, that is bullshit. I agree that one must use judgement and discretion, but to simply not do something because of a hangup of any kind is not living, and not persuing happiness. We're talking pleasure of the flesh here, and no matter how religious you are and believe that you'll be at the pearly gates answering questions about your actions before admittance to heaven, you only get flesh here and now. Pleasure is a basic, primal instinct, to deny it it wrong. Except for one time, if the tease, the denial, being on the edge, if that's what you want it is pleasure.

That is to be stimulated to the brink several times before getting to cum is a turnon for you, perhaps you should call me. People all over the world wear chastity belts of their own volition. Some people chain themselves to a support beam in the house and go into chatrooms. Some people like to be hitched up in a harness like a horse and directed by reins and a bit gag. Dehumanizing ? What fits more ? but then there is still a person under all that gear, a person who I would hope is having the time of their life !

I think to be human is to have choices. Opressive government, big business buying everything, that is my definition of dehumanizing. Going to war ! Come on !

I think when I kiss your hand and caress it before CINCHING THE LEATHER STRAP ON IT, then teasing you, or getting you all strapped up in a harness and everything and hitching you to a cart and driving it around, things like that, they are not dehumanizing, they are humanizing. That is your choice. You want me to call you a bitch, spit on you, make you lick my feet, fine, but of course don't expect it at the dinner table. (actually I would find it very hard to spit on someone even at their request)

I am known for having a different slant on things than most people. This has actually helped me in life, I solve problems. I guess what I wanted to do was to bring my perspective here. Hope someone appreciated it.

T

quote:

ORIGINAL: sierraflowr

a whole nother topic .... but... Why do you belive disrespect instead of respect is earned. im just curious. thanks