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RE: My Sister- spat w bro- and now the baby - 12/14/2010 3:24:10 PM   
Phoenixpower


Posts: 8098
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quote:

ORIGINAL: popeye1250

PaHunk, the BIL is a germ fanatic? Oh God. I'd have a blast with him


I have to say, me, too...if folks are obsessive thats fine,as long as they know where to stop with it if they get in my space. Had once a colleague who tried to enforce the rules of recycling...now,i'm happy to recycle in general and do so since childhood as my parents do a lot in that respect,however i didnt tolerate her attitude and so had my joy with giving her more work to do with just binning all in the same bin when she was on shift or when she took over my shift,thinking "ups..." whilst binning it wrongly... after all, she always saw others as being stupid, so i gave her her stupid she asked for and dont have to proof anything to her...

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RE: My Sister- spat w bro- and now the baby - 12/14/2010 5:16:57 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		eehh..I have a sister I haven't spoken to in over 10 years. No love lost.

I would tell your sister to pick out another name for the baby and not waste her tears.


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RE: My Sister- spat w bro- and now the baby - 12/14/2010 5:39:51 PM   
pahunkboy


Posts: 33061
Joined: 2/26/2006
From: Central Pennsylvania
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

eehh..I have a sister I haven't spoken to in over 10 years. No love lost.

I would tell your sister to pick out another name for the baby and not waste her tears.




yeah- I like that idea.  i guess I am baffled by the whole thing.   a name is for life- if the fight goes on that long-  telling the kid- you are named after the mean uncle- could end up- making the kid mean and bitter-.... like his uncle.

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RE: My Sister- spat w bro- and now the baby - 12/14/2010 6:04:01 PM   
MrKicia


Posts: 155
Joined: 9/3/2010
Status: offline 		I hope you and your family get things figured out.  Ive recently fallen into family drama myself.

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RE: My Sister- spat w bro- and now the baby - 12/14/2010 6:10:26 PM   
Michael75


Posts: 31
Joined: 4/4/2010
Status: offline 		Has anybody tried acknowledging that maybe your brother had a reason for disagreeing? I mean, it's been over a year and you're still being very emphatic that he was in the wrong. I wouldn't want to listen to that either. You don't have to agree with his reason, just stop taking sides.

He washed his hands, but I am assuming he wasn't wearing a medical coverall so he contaminated them as soon as they went down by his sides.

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RE: My Sister- spat w bro- and now the baby - 12/14/2010 6:19:56 PM   
pahunkboy


Posts: 33061
Joined: 2/26/2006
From: Central Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		I will certainly give it some thought. 

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RE: My Sister- spat w bro- and now the baby - 12/14/2010 6:38:28 PM   
sunshinemiss


Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline 		PA - Just about everybody I know has a sibling they have realized is toxic and have basically let go of.  No shame in that. 

As I have often told clients (I worked quite a lot with adults who were abused as children/teens) who were trying to manage their history, "There are mean-spirited people in the world.  Oftentimes those people become parents."  I believe that the same could be said of siblings. 

Best wishes for a healthy baby and lots of love,
sunshine

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RE: My Sister- spat w bro- and now the baby - 12/14/2010 6:56:52 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Just remember that when people are being most unlovable is the time they most need love.
So don't talk to him about your sister or the baby or about what you want him to do. Just call regularly and tell him you miss him and love him. If he then starts to fight, tell him goodbye. And call again in a week just to see how he's doing since you love him.


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RE: My Sister- spat w bro- and now the baby - 12/14/2010 7:05:11 PM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		I see a lot of codependence going on.  

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RE: My Sister- spat w bro- and now the baby - 12/14/2010 8:16:14 PM   
kinkbound


Posts: 387
Joined: 9/15/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: pahunkboy

Yeah- perfect house-perfect car.  I get nervous there and spill things.

He always wants perfection-  and it is elusive.



Interesting. And as you may have guessed, I'm not surprised.

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RE: My Sister- spat w bro- and now the baby - 12/15/2010 6:59:30 AM   
pahunkboy


Posts: 33061
Joined: 2/26/2006
From: Central Pennsylvania
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Just remember that when people are being most unlovable is the time they most need love.
So don't talk to him about your sister or the baby or about what you want him to do. Just call regularly and tell him you miss him and love him. If he then starts to fight, tell him goodbye. And call again in a week just to see how he's doing since you love him.



I will call him for Christmas and his birthday in February.

I text or email him--  I have to watch it- as he really does not want to hear about the economic collapse...   he is straight- so  I can only get so detailed about my dating life...     ....and I doubt my thyroid is a fascinating topic ...!!!  STOMP.  lol.  I know he gets hinted at by mom...  they all live locally to eachother.  If I did- I would be at my sisters every day.

..He really is missing out.    We have a nephew who earns a living as a rock band, and a niece who just aced her physics in College.     (kids of my other brother- who he is also not talking to)

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RE: My Sister- spat w bro- and now the baby - 12/16/2010 3:36:02 PM   
pahunkboy


Posts: 33061
Joined: 2/26/2006
From: Central Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		The suspense is killing me.

Yesterday she told me she planned to confront him today.     She is doing this for HER.  I asked what the worst that could happen- she said he would stop talking to her- which is what the deal is now.

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RE: My Sister- spat w bro- and now the baby - 12/16/2010 9:06:24 PM   
Phoenixpower


Posts: 8098
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: pahunkboy

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

eehh..I have a sister I haven't spoken to in over 10 years. No love lost.

I would tell your sister to pick out another name for the baby and not waste her tears.




yeah- I like that idea.  i guess I am baffled by the whole thing.   a name is for life- if the fight goes on that long-  telling the kid- you are named after the mean uncle- could end up- making the kid mean and bitter-.... like his uncle.


Not neccessarily. My dad broke up his contact to his mum and siblings 22 years ago, after his dad died. I dont know my uncle and dont know 2 of my 3 aunts and barely remember his mum and 3rd aunt. My dad regular compared me to his sisters a la in that respect im like D, in that respect like H and in that respect like B. As my dad and i never got on really I (internally) thanked for coming after them (at least in his view *lol*) with the view that it is much better coming after them than after him. I think he used me to get his anger off he has against his sisters and felt glad that "with coming sooo after them" to be even less his daughter. On a personal note it never bothered me what he said anyway,so i just stayed out of his personal family war. I knew i was (and still am,even when they passed away) loved from my mums parents and so gained the resilience not to let his words affect me. Just because he felt to be above his siblings didnt mean that i have to agree or feel his way just because i ended up being his daughter

_____________________________

RIP 08-09-07

The PAST is history, the FUTURE a mystery, NOW is a gift - that's why it's called the PRESENT

www.butyoudontlooksick.com/navigation/BYDLS-TheSpoonTheory.pdf

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RE: My Sister- spat w bro- and now the baby - 12/17/2010 8:25:01 AM   
pahunkboy


Posts: 33061
Joined: 2/26/2006
From: Central Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		She went to his house to confront him yesterday.   It was a "wild goose chase" so they never met up.

It could be for the best.   I was sort of against the idea for now. I mean why ruin the holidays?

At some point a board will hit him on the head- or something like it- and things will be back to normal. I sure would not put my life on hold over it tho.

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RE: My Sister- spat w bro- and now the baby - 12/17/2010 8:52:30 AM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: pahunkboy

She went to his house to confront him yesterday.   It was a "wild goose chase" so they never met up.

It could be for the best.   I was sort of against the idea for now. I mean why ruin the holidays?

At some point a board will hit him on the head- or something like it- and things will be back to normal. I sure would not put my life on hold over it tho.



PA,

What is she hoping to gain from a confrontation?

Was this an angry confrontation or a "You're my brother, I love you confrontation"?

What is she needing?

What is going to make her feel better?









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RE: My Sister- spat w bro- and now the baby - 12/17/2010 8:56:38 AM   
pahunkboy


Posts: 33061
Joined: 2/26/2006
From: Central Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		Hi Ang-  she was never told directly by him what the problem is. 


The best I can guess is- he wants her to leave her husband.   And that is not going to happen.   The fight did not really even include her. 

At one time I was gung ho on a confrontation- but she is now having her 3rd kid- and the first 2 are young ones.  So- her life moves on.   In light of that- I think it is a mute point.  Maybe once the kids are all in school - it would be different- but her life now is pretty booked up.

(in reply to angelikaJ)
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RE: My Sister- spat w bro- and now the baby - 12/17/2010 9:11:20 AM   
DMFParadox


Posts: 1405
Joined: 9/11/2007
Status: offline 		Yeah. Life is short, and life is long. If this is her choice then I support it; she's trying to emphasize the good and diminish the bad. And 'Trace Edward' is, frankly, a pretty kickass name if you remove the connotations.

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RE: My Sister- spat w bro- and now the baby - 12/17/2010 9:22:47 AM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: pahunkboy

Hi Ang-  she was never told directly by him what the problem is. 


The best I can guess is- he wants her to leave her husband.   And that is not going to happen.   The fight did not really even include her. 

At one time I was gung ho on a confrontation- but she is now having her 3rd kid- and the first 2 are young ones.  So- her life moves on.   In light of that- I think it is a mute point.  Maybe once the kids are all in school - it would be different- but her life now is pretty booked up.



I can see that she would want to know.

Her life will move on, but maybe knowing will give her some perspective and a map to Serenity... she will know what she can and can't do about it.

_____________________________

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RE: My Sister- spat w bro- and now the baby - 12/17/2010 9:22:58 AM   
pahunkboy


Posts: 33061
Joined: 2/26/2006
From: Central Pennsylvania
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DMFParadox

Yeah. Life is short, and life is long. If this is her choice then I support it; she's trying to emphasize the good and diminish the bad. And 'Trace Edward' is, frankly, a pretty kickass name if you remove the connotations.


Thank you.   My sister is like me in some ways- she will buck the trend.  I am happy that she has built the life she has.  Nice home, decent husband- sweet family...  mom moved from PA to IL to be near her grandkids.  I completely understand that. She is active in their life- when mom lived in PA she was aging- and bloated.  Now she is involved- and even fashionable.  A win-win.  I miss her at times- but I am blessed with a great neighbor.  :-)

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RE: My Sister- spat w bro- and now the baby - 12/17/2010 7:40:58 PM   
tiggerspoohbear


Posts: 19141
Joined: 6/27/2010
Status: offline 		Pahunk,

I say this with sadness but my sister basically hasn't spoken to me in almost 20 yrs over a very silly argument just before Christmas one year. She was upset that I was inviting my parents to spend Christmas Eve with me. She spent it with her in-laws as it was "their night" but she also didn't want to be left out of what I was doing with my parents. I pointed out to her that I was alone at home, they were by themselves also, and no harm no foul since Christmas day was spent with my side of the family and she and hubby were there. Words were spoken, things were said that shouldn't have been.

My BIL took the phone from her and said some rather harsh words, I told him that the argument was between my sister and me and that I wasn't going to speak to him about it. She got back on the phone and I ended up hanging up on her after awhile. I called right back to apologize but that wasn't good enough.

We lost our mom over 3 yrs ago, I tried to make up then, thought everything was fine. No go. She lost her husband of 20 yrs a year and 1/2 ago to ALS, I'd tried to offer to help since I don't work, I was turned down emphatically.

I've been trying for years now to make up to her, although we were both at fault, she won't even give me a chance. I've missed out on my niece growing up, she's 16 now and barely knows me. But I love that kid to pieces. My dad has finally come to the conclusion that nothing I do will ever make her change her mind.

At least now I'm invited for holiday dinners but it's a strain. She's never accepted that my dad found a new woman to love even though she's now in a relationship. She speaks to me because she knows my dad won't put up with me being ignored, but that's only because he's there. She doesn't have my phone #, doesn't have any interest in calling me ever and if I call her she always only has a few minutes then finds an excuse to hang up.

But I do know that she loves me, that she'd do anything for me if I ever got into trouble and would come to my aid. And it's the same for her, we're the only siblings, I love her and would do anything to help her. I offer but she refuses. Her choice to do so, and I've had to come to terms with it. So has my dad even though he feels stuck between a rock and a hard place. I'm not the one who put him there, I've told him so, we've had long discussions about it. It saddens both of us, but we have come to terms with how it is.

I really hope things work out for everyone, I realize how important family is. It's the most important thing to me. I'm spending Christmas day at my sister's, we're having a family supper and although it won't be easy I make the best of it. I know my dad will be there and my niece and I'll be on my best behavior as I always have been. May she one day find it in her heart to consider my her sister again.

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